To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

You need proper answers. Hope you get them

It's not about how she knows about the wedding.
This is the scenario from the potential hubby's POV:
He meets a woman he's NEVER met before, she already has a child who is one years old, she then insists on telling him that it is not his kid. Read that back. It makes no sense.
The OP is only realising the absurdity of this since she posted on here. Now you're caught up.

You sound as if you don't have any clue about children. That little girl would have a dreadful day at a wedding where she knows no-one except one man from years ago.

No it is a good idea to lose contact with everyone in your dp's past before you get married, including this child. It is just better that way.

Wow.

I know it's not about how the ex knows. It was just a question.

Unless it's his child.

sorry should have RTFT 😂

He's still telling half of the story. Usually, paternity tests are not needed if they first meet the mum when the child is already born. Why are they in secret contact if there is nothing sinister? It is one thing to not think sharing everything is necessary, Im really bad at sharing information. But not mentioning he kight have a daughter and he is kn contact with her is more than "forgot to mention".

I have a friend whose (now ex) bf was still in contact with his ex's son. We all thought it was admirable that he still wants to maintain contact and not just disappear since he has been the child's father figure. Only to learn that he and the mum had dated for 6 months. It didn't take long to figure out that he was as ass. We never could confirm they were still hooking up

So true.

Your last post is very brave OP. You sound so measured and sensible in what must be an ovewhelming series of shocks as new information comes out. You are quite right to think about postponing until you know the full truth and are OK with it, and assured that DP has not lied to you. Hold your head up, don't lower your standards just because you want to believe him. I really hope things will be OK for you once this situation is sorted out.

And I was just answering as I happen to have read the whole thread.
My response wasn't to you personally, it was tongue in cheek to anyone who doesn't have the time to read 15 pages of thread. No need to be put out. ❤️

It sounds like he /she /both are trying to edge the dd back into his life. Don't make this a YOU issue by marrying into this drama. He needs to be transparent or you need to ltb. He isn't shaping up to be a good dh is he?

Does the little girl have a new 'dad' figure in her life. It's unlikely her mother is still single after 3 years and was quick enough for the OPs fiancée to take the role previously, so would probably do the same in similar circumstances. Unless they aren't similar circumstances and he was allowed to be the 'dad' figure because he actually is the daddy.

Is this the ex trying to get an invite through her DD?

Sorry! I missed some of your posts @Lukeuppy and see you have answered that. I've now read them all. I suspect this child IS his. At the very least, he must have been with the ex around the time of conception, otherwise it doesn't make sense that she told him that he isn't the Father! He's not been honest with you I'm sorry to say and you are doing the right thing putting the wedding on hold until you find out what has been going on.

Have you got a good photo of the child - does she look like him?

They could have had a ONS in the past or fucked about casually in the past before meeting up a year later and making a better go of it. Hence him asking if the child was his. It does happen. However, the OPs story on this thread things do sound a bit dodgy.

That poor child would be at a wedding where she doesn't know anyone with no one to supervise her. I think it's a cruel thing to do to a child. Weddings usually aren't that interesting to children and she would be there all alone. She is too young for this.

It would be understandable if she had a relationship with someone at the wedding, but she doesn't. She would be in a completely strange environment surrounded by strange adults.

Don't you think that would be irresponsible?

I'd be questioning everything!

If it was nothing sinister, all innocent, all above deck, why would he hide that from you?

He actively concealed from you the fact he's in contact with the ex "on and off". He'd be minimising it, I bet you they are in touch more than he is letting on.

Unkind ? To not want a child she doesn’t know and has no biological connection to her fiancé at her wedding ? When actual family are being cut because of budget ? Really. ? And far from accommodating this I would want to know how much contact was going on with the ex for her a) to know about the wedding in the first place and b) to be able to manipulate OP’s fiancé this way. Something doesn’t add up.

I'm not put out.

I knew it had moved on, I was just going at my pace.

I'm so sorry, he's very clearly being dishonest and minimising. I hope you get to the truth otherwise this will eat you up.

This makes by far the most sense.

He’s been assured she isn’t his….probably by virtue of the fact she was a year old when they met, allegedly.

Yes but the OP fiancé said they had never met before.