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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
NJC7 · 03/08/2025 18:57

Radiowaawaa · 03/08/2025 18:56

If he previously questioned the paternity of a child that he met when she was already a year old he’s either thick as fuck or he thinks that you are.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 18:57

Have you seen his bank statements? Cms payments or payments to her would show up.
This all sounds as fishy as a fish quay.

Flamingoknees · 03/08/2025 18:58

I'm sorry OP, but I think he is a liar, and drip feeding 1/2 truths. Be very wary of marrying this man. He's only going to show you messages that back his story. He is not showing you the level of respect you deserve.

Brayndrayn · 03/08/2025 18:58

Tandora · 03/08/2025 18:50

so sorry OP , having read your updates I think this is mostly likely his kid. The “ex always told me she wasn’t mine…” line I reckon is his excuse for being a crappy / absent dad. I bet ex is in touch asking if he’s not even going to invite his own dd to his wedding.. and because he’s not even told you the truth that he has a dd he’s now trying to drip it slowly and avoid blame.. this could be all wrong, but it’s sounding like the most plausible scenario at this point.

Edited

100% this

ohyesido · 03/08/2025 18:59

It will only confuse the child.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 03/08/2025 18:59

I wouldn't presume the ex would be honest op...

HaveIBeenHereBefore · 03/08/2025 18:59

Hiptothisjive · 03/08/2025 18:33

The same as yours then really. Only ridiculous because you don’t agree. How ridiculous someone else can’t have an opinion different to your own without being replied to as you have.

Show quote history

I apologise, I should have been more specific. Your reply is ridiculous, as you haven't seemed to have understood the complexity of the issue. Perhaps you didn't read the whole thread or the OP's posts?

YerArseInParsley · 03/08/2025 19:03

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

I think this is heartless on your part any maybe a little put out.

Your partner treated this child like his own for the years that he was with her mum then suddenly nothing. Maybe the child feels abandoned by the only dad she's ever known. You don't know her but your partner does.

Apart from who will look after her at the wedding, is it such a big deal? Surly your parents family could look after her, i'm assuming she was part of their family once.

WhyCantISayFork · 03/08/2025 19:03

I remember people from when I was 3. If one of them was such a huge part of my life as a parent I would definitely remember them at 7 years old. So I wouldn’t assume the girl doesn’t/couldn’t remember him.

However, there definitely does seem to be an ongoing relationship between him and his ex, even if it genuinely is only what he has described (and he has already admitted that he’s been keeping this from you, which implies he could be keeping more from you).

I would want a paternity test if I was him (and if I was you!) and see if that clears up his feelings. It’s possible he’s always wondered if she might be his and that’s why he hasn’t let go of her/his ex. If it was definite that she isn’t is that might put an end to it. Alternatively, if she is his, that would change their relationship (and yours, too).

Also, I am not sure telling him you intend to view his messages was the most effective way to ensure you get the truth. Sorry, Op. I’m not trying to be critical - I’m sure it’s all thrown you.

Jojimoji · 03/08/2025 19:05

YerArseInParsley · 03/08/2025 19:03

I think this is heartless on your part any maybe a little put out.

Your partner treated this child like his own for the years that he was with her mum then suddenly nothing. Maybe the child feels abandoned by the only dad she's ever known. You don't know her but your partner does.

Apart from who will look after her at the wedding, is it such a big deal? Surly your parents family could look after her, i'm assuming she was part of their family once.

Show quote history

Why not read the thread before jumping in to judge the OP?

She's not heartless at all.
She's clearly been lied to by her rat of a fiancé.

Motherbear44 · 03/08/2025 19:05

MoveOverToTheSea · 03/08/2025 18:31

I would make a plan for a babysitter or someone else to look after her.

Who is making the plan for the babysitter?

I personally would be unhappy to have my 7yo dc left with a stranger (the babysitter) to see the wedding of a man she might not even recognise (they’ve exchanged birthday cards. They haven’t meet for 4 years. She won’t have a great deal of memory of him. Unless her mum has kept talking and talking about him).

This.

And I wonder if the child has been watching too many movies with happy ever after weddings. She might be wishing that she could walk in front of the couple throwing petals. In movies you don't see the slowness of a wedding and the need to be able to make small talk with people you only vaguely know.

That does not resolve what the OP does. Maybe the child's mother was just trying to stir up trouble.

Lionness5 · 03/08/2025 19:07

Touchwood2654 · 03/08/2025 18:48

Exactly neither of those questions have been answered and I've read the whole thread.
Oh and the potential hubby has kept saying the child is not his even though he only met the child and the ex for the first time when she was already 1 years old. Methinks he doth protest too much.

Show quote history

She knows about the wedding as it's on social media and it's not out of the blue her contacting as they send cards. No?

Pearldroop · 03/08/2025 19:07

*He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years $

I knew it

op, if you marry him…. This is how it’s going to go:

He will cheat
You will start multiple threads on mumsnet re how unhappy you are
You will have children with him, probably multiple
He will continue to cheat
Eventually he will leave you for OW

you will then start multiple threads on the Divorce forum about custody and maintenance etc

and then more threads about the ex and his new family and issues with your children fitting in

basically a total shit show

so… don’t marry him 🤷‍♀️

InterIgnis · 03/08/2025 19:07

This is so weird. Is she his and he decided to hide that because you wouldn’t have wanted to date him if he had a child? It’s not like it’s unheard of for men to do that, unfortunately. Did he think he could slow introduce her this way then reveal the truth once you were married and, in his mind, trapped?

If she isn’t his, is the child actually aware of that, or does she think he’s actually her father?

Are you in a financially better position than him, and does he think he can pressure you into financially supporting them both?

This whole situation has more red flags than Stalin’s birthday party.

MyLimeGuide · 03/08/2025 19:09

YerArseInParsley · 03/08/2025 19:03

I think this is heartless on your part any maybe a little put out.

Your partner treated this child like his own for the years that he was with her mum then suddenly nothing. Maybe the child feels abandoned by the only dad she's ever known. You don't know her but your partner does.

Apart from who will look after her at the wedding, is it such a big deal? Surly your parents family could look after her, i'm assuming she was part of their family once.

Show quote history

WTF?? You think OPs parents should look after the grooms exs step daughter on her wedding day!!?

NotTonightDeidre · 03/08/2025 19:10

I can't even imagine the most batshit exes wanting to send their child to the wedding of a man they barely know, are unrelated to & haven't seen for several years.....

I think it's been pointed out enough that the above is likely not even close to being true.

I hope you get the answers you need OP.

Welikebeingcosy · 03/08/2025 19:13

My past experiences all say there is more to this, or there isn't and he just has a habit of hiding things for no reason other than to just hide them.

Sassybooklover · 03/08/2025 19:15

This is probably going to sound a bit 'out there' but do you know the little girl's name (as in full name)? Do you know the Mum's name? Where the child was born? You can request a copy of the birth certificate online!! No one would know, it's about £12.50. The Father's name could be blank or there may have been a name registered. For your partner to say that his ex told him the girl wasn't his, suggests there was a possibility, that she might be. There would be absolutely no need for his ex to say this to him, if they didn't get together after the girl was born. I don't personally believe that a 7 year old, would have many memories of someone she last saw properly 4 years ago. So is the ex lying to your partner about her daughter so say missing him? It's entirely possible. Who ended the relationship? Your partner or his ex and why? My honest opinion, is that unless this little girl is your partner's daughter or there's a strong possibility, then he shouldn't reconnect. It's not fair on the little girl to have someone in and out of her life, who's not even biologically related to her, it's unsettling and confusing. Your partner needs to end contact with her Mum completely going forward. There's no reason why she or her daughter needs to be in your lives.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/08/2025 19:15

YerArseInParsley · 03/08/2025 19:03

I think this is heartless on your part any maybe a little put out.

Your partner treated this child like his own for the years that he was with her mum then suddenly nothing. Maybe the child feels abandoned by the only dad she's ever known. You don't know her but your partner does.

Apart from who will look after her at the wedding, is it such a big deal? Surly your parents family could look after her, i'm assuming she was part of their family once.

Show quote history

Why would OP's parents, who like OP have never met this child, be the ones to look after her? Surely you mean the groom's parents?

Anyway, things have moved on quite significantly and it is likely that the wedding will be called off.

excelledyourself · 03/08/2025 19:15

OP, does the ex and child live near you? Is there opportunity for him to be seeing her?

I only ask because even if she is his child, unless he’s been seeing her in secret, I still think it’s weird the ex would want her daughter there.

LilWoosmum82 · 03/08/2025 19:16

Erm
Personally, I think this child isn't his, he doesn't have any day to day involvement, he doesn't pay child support, he doesn't include her in family events normally, he doesn't see her for Christmas, birthday, Easter etc. Then why would he have her at his wedding? This child unless she sees him regularly won't have many long term memories of him. I feel like this is the ex's way of keeping in touch. I don't know it sounds odd.

Touchwood2654 · 03/08/2025 19:17

Pearldroop · 03/08/2025 19:07

*He admitted they’ve been in touch “on and off” over the past couple of years $

I knew it

op, if you marry him…. This is how it’s going to go:

He will cheat
You will start multiple threads on mumsnet re how unhappy you are
You will have children with him, probably multiple
He will continue to cheat
Eventually he will leave you for OW

you will then start multiple threads on the Divorce forum about custody and maintenance etc

and then more threads about the ex and his new family and issues with your children fitting in

basically a total shit show

so… don’t marry him 🤷‍♀️

I don't want to laugh but... this. 🤣🤣🤣

myglowupera · 03/08/2025 19:17

Has she been trying to get him to see her child after they split and him to maintain contact, or is she not that bothered but is just waving her child around now when it comes to his wedding?

Silvers11 · 03/08/2025 19:19

@Lukeuppy So how did the ex know you and DP are getting married? The request hasn't come 'out of the blue' surely? Something very odd about this.

sunshine244 · 03/08/2025 19:20

I suppose its also possible when oh made comments about knowing that she wasn't his that this is more of a symbolic thing. That he was joining the family but not as a replacement father. Which would imply she had a strong relationship with her real dad. I guess you'll need to keep an open mind to possibilities.

Are you close to your ohms family. Have they ever mentioned her? What does he usually do with cards - read then throw them away, or display them? I.e. was he deliberately hiding the cards or not?