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Original poster

To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

528 replies

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

OP posts:
TheRealGoose · 03/08/2025 18:36

I’m sorry op, what a time to find out, he is clearly her father, and knows he’s her father, his story doesn’t make any form of logical sense, from the she occasionally asks about him v they swap birthday cards each year, to the she said she wasn’t mine v I came into her life at 1. He is this little girls father and that’s why the mum wanted her at the wedding, or they both did and that’s why he stays in touch with the ex. They have a child together, I will also assume he’s been seeing her and hiding it from you. Like the cards. And the rest of the contact. Do you have full access to his financials, are you sure he isn’t also paying for her. I guess deep down he wanted this to come out, as he’s lied so long and that’s why he’s brought it to you like this just before the wedding. The little girl was going to her dad’s wedding, no more no less. I’m guessing the mother doesn’t know he’s been lying to you.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 03/08/2025 18:39

OP in the nicest possible way stop being naive.

Why would a child who he apparently hasn't seen in 3 or 4 years, who he last saw at age 3, want to come to his wedding.

If he's her father then you have to ask why he's kept it from you. If he's been seeing her and isn't her Dad, again ask yourself why he's kept it from you. He's obviously still in contact as they swap birthday cards (at the minimum).

Either way the man is a liar and why would you want to marry a man that doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth.

KiwiFall · 03/08/2025 18:39

Sorry it would be the lying for me. In order to even think about going ahead with the marriage I would want to see all messages and also a DNA test. If there is a wedding the child shouldn’t be coming to the wedding. Fiancé and girl should reconnect at a different time more private. It would be awkward for everyone and ultimately overwhelming for the girl. Also potentially lead to more arguments between you and your fiancé. But I do still think that’s probably what the child’s mother is counting on.

outerspacepotato · 03/08/2025 18:40

"When I pushed about why the ex suddenly asked about the wedding, he admitted she’s mentioned a few times that her daughter still talks about him and asks questions - like where he is, if he remembers her, that sort of thing. He said he didn’t know what to do with that information and kind of brushed it off until now, when she brought up the wedding as an opportunity for them to “reconnect.”

Ex brought up the idea of her child reconnecting with him at his wedding to another woman?

I got this bridge in Brooklyn....

OP, I think you made a mistake not asking him to hand over his phone then. I don't think he's going to give you the whole story. He's tapdancing.

Arealhousewife133 · 03/08/2025 18:40

I’ve gone from thinking this was just an awkward wedding-day situation to now seriously questioning what the foundations of my relationship have actually been built on.

And this is what you need to tell him. You are not unkind for not wanting this child at your wedding. The mother is deeply inappropriate for even asking and as for your hubby to be... his thought process and inability to show honesty and regard for boundaries which include the childs is shocking. Shes not going to be a part of your lives and it makes no sense to invite her to a wedding where she will know no one apart from the groom.. I really wouldn't marry this man with the way things are.

forgivenessISNTshallow · 03/08/2025 18:40

lastest update: you are brave and you are doing the right thing. Do not get married just to get the man, any man and regret all your years after that and become a bitter flat mate to someone who does not love you the same way as he should his only wife

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 18:41

I feel so sorry for you.
What a misleading liar.
Something doesn't add up for sure.
He has been in contact continuously for years behing your back.
Lying by ommission.

OneCleverEagle · 03/08/2025 18:41

Are you privy to his finances OP? Presumably somebody is paying child support to the ex, make sure it's not him.

forgivenessISNTshallow · 03/08/2025 18:41

ps: if you find something horrible and forgive, let it be well earned. Forgiveness does not have to be shallow

Driedupandleft · 03/08/2025 18:44

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 14:33

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

No, no and no!
This is your day and not for him to invite a minor that WILL require 24/7 care and full parental responsibility!!! I mean, what fucking planet is he on??
Ultimatum time really.... which one does he really want at the wedding?
Best to get the skeletons out of the closet now before you're legally bound to this man.....

Lionness5 · 03/08/2025 18:45

Lionness5 · 03/08/2025 18:31

Has it really come out of the blue and how does she know you're getting married?

Apologies. I missed there were more posts explaining.

@Lukeuppy Kudos to you. You're calm,measured and strong.

MeridianB · 03/08/2025 18:45

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 03/08/2025 17:25

So he's been in contact with his ex for the length of your relationship and kept it secret from you.
I'd be wondering what other things he's been hiding. Really awful behaviour choices he has made over and over, and to dump it on you a month before the wedding?

This. I still don’t think you have the whole truth, OP. I’d be having another chat and one chance for him to share everything.

If this ongoing contact is completely innocent why has he been hiding it throughout your relationship? Why is he still in touch with an ex anyway? And why is he trying to bring her and her young child closer into his and your lives?

mindutopia · 03/08/2025 18:47

I have a 7 year old. I went no contact with my family around the same age that your partner would have left her life (around 3). My 7 year old has absolutely no memory of my family existing. He truly has no idea that there are people he’s never met who he used to see all the time.

Children don’t remember those early years in concrete long term memories like we might as adults. Unless your partner has stayed actively involved in her life beyond sending a card a time or two, or the ex is obsessively talking about him to her dd, there is no way this child even remembers who he is.

Silversaxo · 03/08/2025 18:47

This is strange. I’d be asking to read the messages, the math is not mathing.

Touchwood2654 · 03/08/2025 18:48

Lionness5 · 03/08/2025 18:45

Apologies. I missed there were more posts explaining.

@Lukeuppy Kudos to you. You're calm,measured and strong.

Show quote history

Exactly neither of those questions have been answered and I've read the whole thread.
Oh and the potential hubby has kept saying the child is not his even though he only met the child and the ex for the first time when she was already 1 years old. Methinks he doth protest too much.

AvidJadeShaker · 03/08/2025 18:49

It sounds as dodgy as f*ck to me.

GRex · 03/08/2025 18:50

Lukeuppy · 03/08/2025 18:19

I’ve gone from thinking this was just an awkward wedding-day situation to now seriously questioning what the foundations of my relationship have actually been built on. A few of you have pointed out things that make a lot of sense, especially around the paternity side of it. I kept brushing past that in my head because I didn’t want to believe it could be a possibility, but when you all lay it out like that - it really does not add up.

The wording he used - “she always told me from the start she wasn’t mine” - yeah, you’re right. Why would she need to say that unless there was ever a reason to think otherwise? If he met her when the child was one, and there was no overlap or confusion, then that conversation wouldn’t have even been relevant. I didn’t clock that at the time but now it’s glaring.

I’m also seriously uncomfortable about the idea that this child might think he is her dad. He hasn’t answered that directly. I didn’t even know to ask it before, but I will now. Because if she’s grown up believing that, and the contact has been going on behind the scenes, then this situation is miles more serious than just a weird wedding invite.

A few people asked if I’m planning to call the ex. I don’t know. Part of me wants to, but I’m also aware I don’t know what I’m walking into, and I don’t want to put myself in a position where it becomes a shouting match or something emotional and chaotic. That said, I do want the truth, and if that’s the only way to get it, I’m not ruling it out.

I haven’t seen the messages yet. That’s a line in the sand for me now. I’ve told him I need to go through them with him tonight, and if he refuses or tries to minimise it, I’ll take that as my answer. I don’t want to be the person who’s “so understanding” that I let things slide and then spend years regretting it.

I’ve also decided that the wedding is officially on pause until this is all properly dealt with. I haven’t said the words “postponed” yet, but in my heart, I know I can’t walk down the aisle until this is sorted. I don’t know if that means a few weeks or forever, but I’m not pretending anymore that this is just a one-off issue.

To whoever said I’ve taught him he can lie and I’ll still stay - that hit hard, but I hear it. I’m trying not to spiral, but I do feel incredibly stupid. I don’t want to be naive. I want to be brave enough to walk away if that’s what needs to happen.

I’ll come back and update once I’ve seen the messages and had a proper, honest conversation. Right now I just feel like everything I thought I knew is a bit upside down.

You're very brave and you're doing all the right things. There is no rush. Breathe. Work through things, tell him he can get a C100 through court for paternity testing, make sure you feel comfortable with who he is, how he has acted, and what you want next.

Don't even think about the wedding if you can, but double check any early cancellation dates to see if you need to pause anything while you work through things. You need to be able to calmly take as much time as you need. Sending you strength.

Tandora · 03/08/2025 18:50

so sorry OP , having read your updates I think this is mostly likely his kid. The “ex always told me she wasn’t mine…” line I reckon is his excuse for being a crappy / absent dad. I bet ex is in touch asking if he’s not even going to invite his own dd to his wedding.. and because he’s not even told you the truth that he has a dd he’s now trying to drip it slowly and avoid blame.. this could be all wrong, but it’s sounding like the most plausible scenario at this point.

NJC7 · 03/08/2025 18:50

Sorry to add to your woes OP, but have you considered the wider ramifications of these lies?

If your fiancée has parents / siblings, you can bet that they know more than you about all of this too. So you’ve probably had an entire family lying to you by omission, a family you’re marrying into.

I doubt the girl’s mum would have sent her to a wedding full of strangers. Instead, unbeknownst to you, I expect she was sending her to a wedding with daddy, nanny, granddad etc…

You’ll feel an utter fool and totally betrayed if you later find out that they were all in on it too. Which I’d bet money they are.

These are all questions you need to be asking.

But in my opinion the damage is already done, your entire relationship is built on a whole stack of lies.

Mulledjuice · 03/08/2025 18:51

SunshineAndFizz · 03/08/2025 14:46

If she’s that important to him why doesn’t he still see her? She’s in the past.

This. It's so weird if he's only seen her a couple of times since the breakup and isn't now going to try to have a quasi paternal relationship with her. Just attending a wedding out of the blue and then nothing is weird.

Touchwood2654 · 03/08/2025 18:51

Tandora · 03/08/2025 18:50

so sorry OP , having read your updates I think this is mostly likely his kid. The “ex always told me she wasn’t mine…” line I reckon is his excuse for being a crappy / absent dad. I bet ex is in touch asking if he’s not even going to invite his own dd to his wedding.. and because he’s not even told you the truth that he has a dd he’s now trying to drip it slowly and avoid blame.. this could be all wrong, but it’s sounding like the most plausible scenario at this point.

Edited

THIS ⬆️

Silverbirchleaf · 03/08/2025 18:53

Sorry to hear the update, and the wedding on-hold possibly, but better to get this clarified upfront. It’s unfair of dp to expect you to play step mother to a child you thought wasn’t relevant to your life. Was he expecting you to get married, and then present the situation as a fait accompli?

BarilynBordeaux · 03/08/2025 18:53

He is frantically deleting messages right now I imagine. Based on the drip feed from him to you so far, no way this kid isn’t his.

Jojimoji · 03/08/2025 18:54

TheRealGoose · 03/08/2025 18:36

I’m sorry op, what a time to find out, he is clearly her father, and knows he’s her father, his story doesn’t make any form of logical sense, from the she occasionally asks about him v they swap birthday cards each year, to the she said she wasn’t mine v I came into her life at 1. He is this little girls father and that’s why the mum wanted her at the wedding, or they both did and that’s why he stays in touch with the ex. They have a child together, I will also assume he’s been seeing her and hiding it from you. Like the cards. And the rest of the contact. Do you have full access to his financials, are you sure he isn’t also paying for her. I guess deep down he wanted this to come out, as he’s lied so long and that’s why he’s brought it to you like this just before the wedding. The little girl was going to her dad’s wedding, no more no less. I’m guessing the mother doesn’t know he’s been lying to you.

I'd put money on this.
He's the Dad, he maintains contact with daughter and Ex.

And it would makes sense of the Ex asking for her to come to the wedding if she's his biological daughter..... and the mum has no idea that you are completely in the dark.

I'm sorry OP.
What a rotten situation you're in.
💐💐

Radiowaawaa · 03/08/2025 18:56

If he previously questioned the paternity of a child that he met when she was already a year old he’s either thick as fuck or he thinks that you are.