To not want my DH’s ex’s child at our wedding?

[Lukeuppy]

I know how this sounds, but I’m genuinely torn and could use some outside perspective.

My fiancé has a 7 year old from a previous relationship - not biologically his, but he was involved when she was really little. He was with the mum for a couple of years when the girl was around 1 to 3, and apparently he was very involved day-to-day. They split up quite suddenly and from what I understand, there was no formal custody or anything like that, so he just kind of faded out of that “dad” role over time. He’s seen the little girl once or twice since then and they’ve exchanged the odd birthday card, but that’s really it.

Anyway, we’re getting married this autumn and out of nowhere, his ex reached out and asked if the little girl could come to the wedding. My immediate reaction was confusion. She’s not part of our lives. I’ve never met her. She’s not part of his family, at least not anymore. And it’s not like he’s co-parenting or paying child support or doing school runs. He was there for a bit, and now he isn’t.

I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship. I’ve spent months trying to make everything feel special and personal and balanced - numbers are tight, there are even cousins we had to cut - and now suddenly we’re supposed to make room for a child who, to be blunt, isn’t his and isn’t ours?

He didn’t push back too hard, but he did say something about how she might remember him and it might “mean a lot” to her. Which made me feel awful, but also kind of annoyed? Why is that our responsibility?

I’m trying to be sensitive but I honestly don’t see how it’s appropriate. She has her own mum, her own family. Am I being heartless or just realistic?

Would really appreciate some honest but kind replies.

Yet you’d be quite happy for a seven year old to be left at a wedding knowing none of the guests, to just fend for herself?

You're not being unreasonable. I would say that your wedding day is not the place for you to meet her for the first time. It should be a day that's all about the two of you.

I’ve gone from thinking this was just an awkward wedding-day situation to now seriously questioning what the foundations of my relationship have actually been built on. A few of you have pointed out things that make a lot of sense, especially around the paternity side of it. I kept brushing past that in my head because I didn’t want to believe it could be a possibility, but when you all lay it out like that - it really does not add up.

The wording he used - “she always told me from the start she wasn’t mine” - yeah, you’re right. Why would she need to say that unless there was ever a reason to think otherwise? If he met her when the child was one, and there was no overlap or confusion, then that conversation wouldn’t have even been relevant. I didn’t clock that at the time but now it’s glaring.

I’m also seriously uncomfortable about the idea that this child might think he is her dad. He hasn’t answered that directly. I didn’t even know to ask it before, but I will now. Because if she’s grown up believing that, and the contact has been going on behind the scenes, then this situation is miles more serious than just a weird wedding invite.

A few people asked if I’m planning to call the ex. I don’t know. Part of me wants to, but I’m also aware I don’t know what I’m walking into, and I don’t want to put myself in a position where it becomes a shouting match or something emotional and chaotic. That said, I do want the truth, and if that’s the only way to get it, I’m not ruling it out.

I haven’t seen the messages yet. That’s a line in the sand for me now. I’ve told him I need to go through them with him tonight, and if he refuses or tries to minimise it, I’ll take that as my answer. I don’t want to be the person who’s “so understanding” that I let things slide and then spend years regretting it.

I’ve also decided that the wedding is officially on pause until this is all properly dealt with. I haven’t said the words “postponed” yet, but in my heart, I know I can’t walk down the aisle until this is sorted. I don’t know if that means a few weeks or forever, but I’m not pretending anymore that this is just a one-off issue.

To whoever said I’ve taught him he can lie and I’ll still stay - that hit hard, but I hear it. I’m trying not to spiral, but I do feel incredibly stupid. I don’t want to be naive. I want to be brave enough to walk away if that’s what needs to happen.

I’ll come back and update once I’ve seen the messages and had a proper, honest conversation. Right now I just feel like everything I thought I knew is a bit upside down.

Not going to lie OP, but the kid was a baby/toddler when he left. Why is a now 7 year old even remotely interested in a guy she wouldn’t remember , but somehow , they’ve had some “low communication”

You know there’s holes in this story.

Don’t put on the rose tinted glasses with the wedding approaching . the marriage is a financial and legal tie between you both and it sounds like you don’t quite know everything you should about him. He’s had contact with this kid and ex and you didn’t know, if there were no issues why wasn’t he upfront in the first place

Well if the ex doesn't want a paternity test done then the fiancé needs to cut all ties. This is the ex pushing this.

If someone could look after i would say yes let her come. Him not being her biological father does not mean she doesn't think.about him. Laws don't legislate feelings.

People don't always stay in our lives for ever. They move and life circumstances change

Absolutely this. DP of 15 years & father to my youngest DC (12) was married previously (as was I). We have very different histories. Ex-DH (father of my 2 eldest DC) is a huge part of all of our lives. He's a wonderful father & we all get on really well. In fact, he joined us on Friday for a few nights of our holiday.

DP has no previous children & ex-wife was a real piece of work, so not in any way part of our lives. He was a father figure to ex-wife's daughter from age 8-15. He was young, but took that responsibility on. She is now 32 & not significantly in his life. They exchange the very odd text, she asks for advice now & again related to his job. He is not her father & she doesn't refer to him as 'dad'.

When he & her mother split she did refer to him as 'step-dad', but it was more when she needed something over the first, few years. DP did feel connected when she was younger, but she showed little interest in his life despite being invited to things. They did meet just the 2 of them on lots of occasions, but she quickly went off on her own life path - not one that he particularly wanted to be part of (quite dysfunctional). He
gave her money (quite a lot) on too many occasions, & it became clear that she was using him only for that.

Now as an adult she knows if she needs him he'd pitch up- he has a huge heart- but I think she knows she's burnt too many bridges. Thankfully she seems to have straightened herself out & is now qualifying & getting on with life.

It's true that sometimes life changes & moves on & people move out of our lives. It doesn't mean anyone is a terrible person.

I would make a plan for a babysitter or someone else to look after her. But I don't see children as disposable. Unlike OP, and it seems like you too. Children should not be disposable, or considered ghosts. Disgraceful.
"I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I want the day to be about us and the people in our lives now, not a ghost from a past relationship."

If he TRIES to minimise it? He’s minimising it to the nth degree!

Don’t make any big decisions in haste, OP

Fgs… you don’t give someone notice that you need to read their messages. He’ll just delete the most incriminating ones 🙄

Just stop spouting rubbish

Everything is dodgy about this. I wouldn’t be marrying this man if I were you until he’s fine an actual paternity test!

Agree completely. What kind of a man dumps a child and what kind of a woman doesn't allow that child to be part of the day of the man she perceives to be her dad gets married. Sounds like you two deserve each other. Horrible people.

You'd send a 7 year old child off to a wedding to be surrounded by strangers for the day?

I'm quite sure a 7 year old wouldn't be happy with a stranger looking after her. Weddings are boring. She probably thinks that she will be with her dad all day and that he will be able to play with her, whereas in reality she will be bored to death in a room full of strangers and just want to go home.

I think there’s more to this than meets the eye. No mother would suggest this unless there was a current connection between the child and her “Dad”. She wouldn’t make her child vulnerable and left out unless there were mental health issues and if so the child could be used as a magnet. Please be careful here and investigate further.

Thinking the Ex wants to be at the wedding.

Not comfortable with the fiancé secrets. Like does he give child support? Cash?

Still wouldn’t marry him after the lying!

So do you for saying that.

I would make a plan for a babysitter or someone else to look after her.

Who is making the plan for the babysitter?

I personally would be unhappy to have my 7yo dc left with a stranger (the babysitter) to see the wedding of a man she might not even recognise (they’ve exchanged birthday cards. They haven’t meet for 4 years. She won’t have a great deal of memory of him. Unless her mum has kept talking and talking about him).

Has it really come out of the blue and how does she know you're getting married?

The wedding is not the best place for this 7 yr old to make a connection with a past father figure she hasn’t seen for a while (assuming he’s telling the truth) and even with a babysitter - again, someone she doesn’t know - she’s still going to be at a wedding surrounded by people she doesn’t know and a ‘dad’ who will be distracted with his wedding ceremony. And who is this babysitter that’s going to supervise her all day?

Much better that he sees her in different surroundings where he can give her his full attention.

The same as yours then really. Only ridiculous because you don’t agree. How ridiculous someone else can’t have an opinion different to your own without being replied to as you have.

Assuming he's told the truth so far, and that he does want to reconnect with the child, his actual wedding day is the worst possible day to do so. His attention will and should rightfully be on his new wife and his guests.

Agree