Relationships - difference in work and pay

[478302job]

I’ve been seeing someone for a year who is really lovely and kind.

as we’ve got to know one another more and spend more time together, it’s become more apparent the differences in our finances.

I own a house. I have a successful business I spent years building. I’m on good money. I’ve always worked as I’ve always had to look after and depend on myself from a very young age.

the person I’m seeing rents a house with a friend. Was studying alongside work until recently as uni finished 3 months ago. But have continued to work in a shop 2 days per week.

I’ve been asking about work opportunities and what’s the plan now the degree is finished as I can personally see lots of work opportunities to do their dream job but I don’t see as much action as I’d probably take. Which is fine as we’re different.

when we go out places, there’s a significant difference I’ve noticed when it come to buying and paying for stuff which also was highlighted recently when we were planning a holiday.

I don’t think there’s any plan to buy a house and when talking about it, it seems the intention is to continue renting with a friend as it’s cheaper which I understand.

I suppose it’s on my mind a little bit. It might not be all that important but I’m conscious of the difference.

we are both almost 40.

It doesnt sound as though you are compatible.
Ambition, career and money sound very important to you whereas they don't sound particularly so to your partner. You will probably both end up resenting each other over your different attitudes to life.

That would be a complete deal breaker for me. But it's not about pay. There is no plan, no ambition, no desire or urgency to contribute to society through working. Such a turn off.

There are other ways to contribute to society. Some people find emphasis on work ambition a complete turn off.

I think the clear difference in attitude and ambition is one you'll not overcome and regret sticking with

I have a friend who is a chartered accountant who married to a lovely guy who got a part time job in Tesco's at 17 at school and never left.

The were eventually miserable, she holidayed with her friends while he stayed at home etc

Eventually they divorced, she remarried someone with the same outlook and thrived, he moved back in with his parents and still happily works in tescos

I don’t know if I’m being harsh. It’s just I know how I am, and as soon as I finished my degree I was actively looking at all the ways I could use it for work. Whereas I don’t see a big pull towards that. I also think it could be a confidence thing.

but I’m conscious of living arrangements. I’m fine not living together and it’s not in my plan to live together yet. But it is grating on me a little when I go there and the housemate is hanging around and it’s not really a private space.

and I don’t know if there’s some unspoken expectation that they’ll eventually move in with me or something because I’ve bought my house. We do need further, perhaps more explicit conversation about it but I find when I ask questions, the answers seem a little vague or are answered as if that’s the plan for the ‘far away future’.

im finding that in order to do what I’d like to do or go places I want to go, I’ll naturally pay more otherwise we probably couldn’t do it. It isn’t that I’m being pressured to.

but it has been highlighted for example when we’ve been out shopping and we’ve been in a shop we both like, and I asked ‘are you buying anything?’ Because there was quite a bit we both wanted and the response was ‘no because I’m going to save my money for if we get food in a bit’ and I suddenly felt awful.
it felt a bit like we were teenagers.

I feel terrible even typing all of this. Maybe the situation will change. But we talk about money very differently. And about work quite differently.

Yes I have a child.

We’ve now planned and booked one but it took a while to get there and it was me who was proactive in sorting it. Otherwise I’m not sure it would have happened.

when talking about budget it was quite different and meant we needed to look at a change in location to make it doable.

I think it’s becoming more apparent now. We do get on really well. We have a laugh together. We can talk about all sorts. We really enjoy spending time together.

it’s just it’s been highlighted more when I go round either by myself or with DC, and we stay over, the housemate is often present so it’s not as comfortable.

I am focused on savings, a safety net etc. I’ve mentioned that but we haven’t really discussed their financial situation whereas I’ve been open about mine and that financial security is important to me and always has been but especially now I have a child.

It’s hard because we do really get on but this difference is becoming more noticeable.

I married a man who lacked any ambition despite being a kind sweet person, and it nearly destroyed us. He had a modest income from inherited property which meant he didn't feel a great financial need to work after we had children. It wound me up more and more once they were in school.

Eventually he got a job doing something he loves but its barely above min wage. I've accepted this is it, better than nothing and at least he's working, but he'll never climb the ladder.

If its important to you, don't stay with him.

I was thinking this wasn't too much of a big deal until you said that you're both in your 40s. It sounded like someone in their mid-20s just starting out!
Personally, I don't think having uneven pay is an issue when you're in a long term relationship as I'm one of the "all money is joint money' types, but the lack of drive to improve his personal circumstances would be a bit off putting, I think. You could be setting yourself up for a lot of resentment later on.

Sounds like you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t want. You’re kind of judging yourself for your feelings/instincts at the moment, questioning if you’re being too harsh. There’s no point comparing against what others might accept - he doesn’t sound right for you.

In answer to the holiday question, I paid for it. They offered to send half but I felt bad and said no. Which is the story of my life. A habit I don’t want to get back into. So I suggested they bring the spending money. Although they’ve said they’ll pay 50% when we get there.

we both said about going away but I think I’m more active with planning. I usually plan the days out etc too. And make suggestions of where to go

You already sound resentful OP.

It was my fault really for feeling uncomfortable accepting half of the payment. When really I should have said yes. I think I need to start doing that more and see how that is. As I don’t want to get into the habit of paying.

It’s possible it could work out if you’re both open and mature about things. Even if you’re the higher earner there are many financial savings to living with a partner. You’d just have to be clear that everything you’ve built is for your daughter and your own security.

It will be stressful for him too. Pointless shopping and planning things he can’t afford. There’s just not enough context. Is he worth the cost?

I’ve posted on the ‘who wants a man’ thread about three friends who have found someone in later life. 40s onwards. Two have married and one is cohabiting with a contract drawn up re the house. In each case they are very happy but in each case they are contributing far more to the relationship in terms of what they’re earning or their housing or their care for stepchildren. None of them are stupid. They are just clear on what their priorities are.

It was a no from me before this update. No its a hard no.

The holiday update tells me what you have here isnt a partner... its a passenger.
He is going to be happy to stand their smiling into middle distance while you pick up the checks, you do the planning, you worry about the future.

The money you are spending on his holiday is money and energy you could be pouring into yourself and your child. I wouldn't be willing to do this. All my resources are directed towards my children

Keep him as a FWB if you want but he wouldn't be introduced to my child and I wouldn't be "building a life" with him.

The house is lovely and it’s not like a dive. The house is really lovely in a nice area. It’s clean and tidy.

the person I’m seeing is really lovely. So accommodating when we’re there. Cooks lovely meals. Plays with DC. We’ll go out for walks, to the park, have a picnic etc. I want to try to give a full picture.