Relationships - difference in work and pay

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I’ve been seeing someone for a year who is really lovely and kind.

as we’ve got to know one another more and spend more time together, it’s become more apparent the differences in our finances.

I own a house. I have a successful business I spent years building. I’m on good money. I’ve always worked as I’ve always had to look after and depend on myself from a very young age.

the person I’m seeing rents a house with a friend. Was studying alongside work until recently as uni finished 3 months ago. But have continued to work in a shop 2 days per week.

I’ve been asking about work opportunities and what’s the plan now the degree is finished as I can personally see lots of work opportunities to do their dream job but I don’t see as much action as I’d probably take. Which is fine as we’re different.

when we go out places, there’s a significant difference I’ve noticed when it come to buying and paying for stuff which also was highlighted recently when we were planning a holiday.

I don’t think there’s any plan to buy a house and when talking about it, it seems the intention is to continue renting with a friend as it’s cheaper which I understand.

I suppose it’s on my mind a little bit. It might not be all that important but I’m conscious of the difference.

we are both almost 40.

Your partner has just completed a degree, it might take a while to get a related job. I think doing a degree at 40 is fine, they are pursuing their ambition later in life.

It might just be that your stages in life are too different as you are much further down the line in career and in responsibility level.

I would really struggle to get excited about this relationship, I think I would get bored of it quite quickly.
It doesn't sound like your lives are in the same place. At 40yrs they are literally living the same life as my 18yr old daughter who has just finished school and also working in retail (temporarily).
What do you find to talk about? My most recent ex walked out of his job after we had been together for 5mnths. The relationship quickly went down hill for me. He had no money, he had nothing to talk about other than what he had made for dinner. For me I had an exciting new job, I had a pay increase and was generally so happy with where I was heading. Even after we split he still didn't see why walking out on his job was a problem.....

I do have a lot of drive and ambition and have built a successful business which I’m focusing on increasing year after year.

I think when we started seeing each other it didn’t matter to me as I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I wasn’t looking at ‘building a life’ with someone as I am happy by myself.

We started of chatting as good friends before we started dating so there was no pressure.

In a way, I don’t entirely know what I want as I’m not sure I’d want to live with someone again. I’ve lived with 2 ex partners. I like my own space. Which is probably why these questions haven’t felt as prominent before now.

See usually in this threads people say something like ‘I own a house, he doesn’t, should I leave him’, which I think is a bit superficial. Perhaps for context, the women in my family have been quite well off and in senior professional jobs for generations, and usually that’s meant that the wealth of the man hasn’t been relevant as long as they’re lovely and the right type of person.

However, your situation sounds completely different and like you lead totally different lives.

Basically, you work and he doesn’t. It sounds like you have lots of drive and he doesn’t. It’s not about the financial difference, it’s an outlook on life.

I can’t even imagine what someone would do if they work 2 days a week by choice, how do they use their time? Initially I was going to ask if he’s in his early 20s, but now that I know his age, how does he even support himself? Even if it’s family money, IMO wealth is irrelevant and attitudes need to be aligned. Doesn’t sound like they are.

I think it would be ok if you keep this very very casual. Dating only, not moving in with each other, money completely separate. You have a boundary (in your own mind) about the extent to which you're prepared to subsidise them and stick to that. That might be fine for you. But probably at some point you will want this to get more serious and then it could become tricky.

They don’t have family money or family wealth. I think because of renting with a friend, it’s affordable as their rent is actually very low.

I think it could get more tricky because I would only live with somebody if they could fully pay their way. I have financially subsidised an ex in the past And I don’t want to do that again.

I had a very similar situation. My partner ended up taking 6 months out and retraining before getting a job that he liked which led to 2 promotions. I’m still the higher earner but 7 years later we have a child together and split bills by same ratio as our earnings which means our lifestyle is affordable for both of us. We keep other money separate and spend it on things we value. I have on occasion toppped up our budget without asking or expecting the money back because I want to do something o know he’d love but can’t afford. It feels nice to do stuff together and I just call it a treat. He does stuff for me like give me morning off, buy me flowers or a nice book which is also a treat - just little surprises - which whilst they don’t cost the same probably mean more because they are done with thoughtfulness. If things had stayed the same as before I think it could have been an issue but sometimes it is about timing and I think giving the person space to work out what they want is important. If it helps we were roughly same age - I was turning 40 and he was nearly mid thirties. Hope it works out for the best for you both either way

You have a DC and important financial commitments so IMO it’s poor use of your money to subsidise your girlfriend.

It’d be better to mainly do things within her budget and not shop together or plan and pay for her holiday. If that’s not enjoyable for you perhaps you’re not that into her.

Long term, you don’t seem compatible in terms of money or work, at least at this point in time.

With a DC to consider I wouldn’t want to subsidise another adult (my DC’s step parent) living in my home. So if you continue dating would make clear that living together wasn’t on the cards.

Based on the going around the gender, im assuming op and partner are both women. Not that it matters.

It is one thing to lack ambition. Not everyone cares about work like that. I don't, im happy not to advance or become better. So that is not a dealbreaker for me. However, a 40yo in a houseshare and no intention of getting a full time job was a dealbreaker for me. Unless there was a reason for it.

You're just not compatible. This bothers you and that is understandable. It wouldnt be a dealbreaker for everyone but it is fine that it is for you.

Also suggest minimal contact between DC and girlfriend, since the relationship seems unlikely to progress long term.

Your partner knows that you'll spend your money on her. You're already doing it, paying for holidays and I would bet you pay more than your share for days out or nights out or other activities.
Sorry but I think she's looking to move in with you.
I'm sure she does love and care for you and your child it's not about that but some people are happy to take because it's easier than actually having to get it for themselves.

Yes, there are, but you need to earn enough to support yourself first.

Well I can't see anything in OP's posts which says this person isn't supporting themselves. I could have missed it of course.
I thought the problem was this person isn't earning enough to live the lifestyle OP lives. And thats a totally different thing.

Lovely people are hard to come by - he’s just finished a degree - give it a bit more time . My DSD has taken 18months to get a decent job after her masters

You're incompatible. Eventually you having to pay for most things or refusing invitations as your partner can't afford them will grate on you .
ive read loads and loads of posts on here from women who married men who were 'free apirit' types who all said they regretted it hugely regardless of other attributes.

Are you male or female OP? You keep referring g to “they”.

What difference does it make?

I mostly can't believe you take your child to sleep in a house share with someone you've only known for a year! How old is your child, where do they sleep whilst they're there? I would consider this a potential safeguarding issue and very poor judgement f they weren't in the same room as you. Which I'm presuming they are not.

I don't know why you even introduced your child to this person at all so early on. You should step your child back from this mess first and foremost. You can consider what you want to do longer term but your child doesn't need to be caught up in this right now.

I was replying to your point that people can contribute to society in different ways other than working. I was just saying that you have to earn enough to be able to afford to live, otherwise you’re expecting others to subsidise you, which is the opposite of contributing.

OP hasn’t said that their partner can’t afford to live. But if they are only working in a shop two days a week, they must have very low living costs…

So this woman is in her 40's, barely works, is showing no ambition, no drive to work more. You're doing all of the planning in terms of dates and holidays etc and often paying for them. She's still living in a flatshare. All of this despite having the intellectual capability to develop a career, be more financially stable and make a greater societal contribution. You have a child... what kind of example is this woman setting? It's each to their own whether they are attracted to drive and ambition but when it has the potential to have a negative impact on your child, surely you have to question your judgement here?

you have to earn enough to be able to afford to live, otherwise you’re expecting others to subsidise you, which is the opposite of contributing.

Yes I agree you.

She's already said they're both women.

I don't think you’re being harsh. Owning our own home is not a status thing for DH and me, it’s part of us planning for our old age. so we’re secure in a paid off home and not paying market rent. We see the “extra” cost of mortgage versus rent as a bit like a pension contribution, and therefore (to us) worth the sacrifice. I know to others it isn’t, and that is totally their choice.
From very bitter experience with an ex, I would say that having someone whose “risk-appetite” re finances is the same as your own certainly means less stress and resentment, regardless of who earns what.

I have a similar imbalance in my relationship of 5 years. I earn £95k and, until recently, DP was working part time whilst studying. He graduated last summer and it has taken him a year to find a full time job in his chosen profession. He’s just accepted a role paying £30k.

I own my home. He rents in a shared house. I’ll occasionally stay at his but mostly he comes to mine. No intention to ever move in together.

There have been times when he’s struggled to “keep up” financially. But we just adjust our plans according to what he can afford.

We happily go for lunch in a dog friendly country pub. He can’t often afford to go to expensive restaurants so I do that with my friends or family instead.

We go to festivals together. I suggested a spa weekend away and he found a Groupon deal. We’ve just booked a holiday to Egypt next year and he’s saving up. I’m also holidaying separately with my kids and friends.

Very occasionally I’ll pay for something simply because I really want to do it. We recently had a trip to Rome, the holiday and eating out all split 50/50. But I wanted to do the expensive tours rather than wandering around with a guidebook, so I paid the additional cost of those excursions.

He’s much better at managing his money than me. I’ll buy things on a whim because I can afford to; he’s more restrained. I’m buying Holland and Cooper whilst he’s in JD Sports!

I don’t think a significant difference in earnings has to be a problem if you recognise and accept that it may limit some of the things you do together. You don’t love someone because of how much money they have.