Relationships - difference in work and pay

[478302job]

I’ve been seeing someone for a year who is really lovely and kind.

as we’ve got to know one another more and spend more time together, it’s become more apparent the differences in our finances.

I own a house. I have a successful business I spent years building. I’m on good money. I’ve always worked as I’ve always had to look after and depend on myself from a very young age.

the person I’m seeing rents a house with a friend. Was studying alongside work until recently as uni finished 3 months ago. But have continued to work in a shop 2 days per week.

I’ve been asking about work opportunities and what’s the plan now the degree is finished as I can personally see lots of work opportunities to do their dream job but I don’t see as much action as I’d probably take. Which is fine as we’re different.

when we go out places, there’s a significant difference I’ve noticed when it come to buying and paying for stuff which also was highlighted recently when we were planning a holiday.

I don’t think there’s any plan to buy a house and when talking about it, it seems the intention is to continue renting with a friend as it’s cheaper which I understand.

I suppose it’s on my mind a little bit. It might not be all that important but I’m conscious of the difference.

we are both almost 40.

So its 12m in and already you are paying for his holidays, you stay over with your child and they go to the park and he and your child have built a relationship ?????

Honestly - take a step back and look at this clearly.
i really dont understand what is wrong with women that they do this....🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

he must be the world's most ammmmmmaaaazing shag 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, it really sounds as if your values are incompatible.

It also sounds as if he has taken the Eternal Student route to avoid getting on the career ladder so far.

You need to have a conversation with him about where he sees himself in five years. If he doesn’t have a clue, or at least a plan, then you will know for sure that you will never be compatible with him, and should move on…

I’ve made it completely clear that I’m financially independent, I don’t rely on anyone financially and all that I have will go to my DC. I wouldn’t sell my house to put towards a house together as I would see that as a risk with anyone. Going off past experience.

I think we could have a really great relationship. We are really relaxed together and have fun and genuinely enjoy one another’s company.

for the year we’ve spent getting to know each other, it was consistent that they were at uni studying and working at the shop 2 days a week. But then it sort of dawned on me last night that uni finished 3 months ago and there hasn’t been much movement to work in the field they’ve trained in. It’s still early days.

I have no idea if they have savings and wonder how I can ask these questions without seeming rude or intrusive.

OP, if he LET you pay for his holiday, then he is not for you.

Either you were determined to have a holiday that he wasn't bothered about, so you felt compelled to pay to persuade him to go, or he knew you would feel bad and cover his costs.

Neither situation is sustainable.

If you move in together, you will be gaining a dependent. Even if you don't, how can you respect a man who can't pay his own way. What would happen if you fell ill? You can't rely on him for anything. What about pensions? If you form a long lasting relationship, how many years are you going to carry him?

You are working towards a future for you and your child, he's just living for today, with no ambition or long term plans. Eventually you will resent his indifference.

And there are plenty of men who now think it's ok to live off a hard working woman. So you may be his long term plan. Be careful.

I don't mean to sound judgemental but even though he seems nice. Keep your wits about you that he isn't using you OP. He surely notices the difference?

Does the guy work fulltime now? You said he's finished his degree. I would be honest with him because at 40 I would expect a lot more than this. Does he want children of his own?

I don't think you should of suggested a holiday knowing his finances either OP.

I have no idea if they have savings and wonder how I can ask these questions without seeming rude or intrusive.

So you arent comfortable asking basic questions but you are comfortable letting your child build a relationship with someone you dont know if you have any future with?
I. Just. Dont. Get. It 🤦‍♀️

If you must...
"Geoff we need to talk candidly, I am a fully independent adult with a child and its important my life partner is similar. You finished your degree 3 months ago, i want to understand what are your plans now for your career finances and future? I need to know to be sure we are on the same page"

But he is "graduating" into one of the worst job markets in a while and give his current state of play id be amazed if you see any meaningful traction.

Also
I’ve made it completely clear that I’m financially independent,
He is making it clear he is not financially independent...because he is happy to sit back and mooch off you... "letting you" (a single mother!!!!) pay thousands for his holidays

There’s been a couple of weeks working a couple more extra days. But has mainly stuck to the 2 days per week.

it came up for me a bit more when it was coming to the end of the renting lease and the house was being sold. So I asked what are the living plans now and the response was that they were going to find another rental with the current housemate as it made sense for them to continue living together financially etc. so it’s made me question it more. Especially as it’s been a year now.

Before I met OH my 'criteria' was I met someone who like me, had their own house, shared values and, it didn't have to be work necessarily but had a focus. I didn't mind what job they did as long as there was motivation to get up and do something.
So whilst your boyfriend was at Uni, fine but like you'd I'd struggle with the lack of motivation to do something.
Why wasn't he job searching whilst in final year? I went back as a mature student and had a job lined up months before I finished.

Everyone is assuming OP is a woman and her partner is a man.

Am I missing something? I can't see anything where that's been confirmed.

Could be that OP is a man.. or both OP and partner are women.

Also to answer about children. I don’t want any more children and it isn’t something they’ve expressed interest in having. I have asked but the response was really “I don’t really mind either way. I would be open to it but it isn’t something I’m desperate to have”. But has been positive that I have a child and hasn’t expressed any negativity around this

and I would not be dating anybody at all who wasn’t happy that I already had a DC

Both women.

Wouldn’t work for me. Part of my initial attraction to DH was his his motivation and ambition.

Yes its been assumed its a hetrosexual couple and she the woman.
statistically its the norm on mumnet.

But honeslty Sex is immaterial here - A responsible parent doesnt do this.

Hmm, too many doubts here. I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't take their career seriously and couldn't pay their way for a holiday. Why did he do the degree - surely you can ask that? To enrich his mind or to increase his earning power / get on in life? And why hasn't he done this earlier? Does he have other sources of income as I don't see how anyone can live these days on the wages of a lowly paid job of only two days a week?

It’s something they were really interested in and wanted an education in something they were passionate about. I see lots of earning potential and opportunities available but it certainly would take some motivation to make that happen.

It would be a firm no from me. I’m not interested in people that lack aspiration or ambition. There is nothing wrong with this being a reason to not be with someone. I surround myself with my kind of people And I don’t mean this purely in relation to affluence , just drive.