Relationships - difference in work and pay

[478302job]

I’ve been seeing someone for a year who is really lovely and kind.

as we’ve got to know one another more and spend more time together, it’s become more apparent the differences in our finances.

I own a house. I have a successful business I spent years building. I’m on good money. I’ve always worked as I’ve always had to look after and depend on myself from a very young age.

the person I’m seeing rents a house with a friend. Was studying alongside work until recently as uni finished 3 months ago. But have continued to work in a shop 2 days per week.

I’ve been asking about work opportunities and what’s the plan now the degree is finished as I can personally see lots of work opportunities to do their dream job but I don’t see as much action as I’d probably take. Which is fine as we’re different.

when we go out places, there’s a significant difference I’ve noticed when it come to buying and paying for stuff which also was highlighted recently when we were planning a holiday.

I don’t think there’s any plan to buy a house and when talking about it, it seems the intention is to continue renting with a friend as it’s cheaper which I understand.

I suppose it’s on my mind a little bit. It might not be all that important but I’m conscious of the difference.

we are both almost 40.

You don't sound compatible.

They sound like a perpetual student who isn't quite a full adult and likes the student life of part time work and living in shared housing.

If you continue seeing them, you'll have to compromise on most things from shopping together up to holidays because there's not the get up and go that you have and it seems like you expect. Or you'll end up subsidizing yet another partner because this one isn't going to be pulling their own weight anytime soon. That will take away from your child. You're also showing your child that it's ok to subsidize a partner that works so little.

Honestly, the working only two days a week 3 months after they graduated would put me right off.

@pinotpony sorry but are you sure your partner isn't tight? 30k living in a shared house.... it's not exactly living on the bread line. He should be able to afford a holiday easily!

Some tight people have a lot more money than you would think. 30k is low compared to 95k yes but most people aren't on 95k.

It started as a casual thing but he was kind, clever and funny and I fell in love with him. He’s got a strong work ethic but hasn’t had the same opportunities that I had growing up. No family support or encouragement. That’s not a flaw in his character, it’s just the reality of his upbringing. He’s 34 and went back to uni as a mature student to pursue his career. He’s now in a much stronger position to earn good money in his field of work. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

He can afford a holiday. We’ve been every year. My point is that he can’t afford multiple trips away, so I go away separately with friends. And there’s invariably a conversation about the type of holiday and the cost because we have different budgets. He’s not flying business class obviously!

He’s not tight. He buys me gifts and flowers and always pays his way.

You need to have a big conversation OP. From a slightly different perspective I spent a while as the poorer person in my relationship and it was awful. Partner wanted to do lots of things that I just couldn't afford and navigating that was very tricky.

I’m 51, so definitely not having more children now! He doesn’t want children. Obviously, we’re at very different stages of our lives, hence the disparity in earnings. If I were looking for a life partner to have a family with then it might be an issue, but our set up works for us and we’re very happy.

OP’s partner is a woman

I've reread OP's posts. Nowhere does she suggest her partner is in debt or borrowing money. So they obviously are supporting themselves.

They might not have a life style that you or OP aspire to but presumably have enough money for the life style that suits them. So who is anyone else to pass judgement?

Perhaps you should ask them how they budget and manage on the income they have?

The op doesn’t want to have a chat with him about savings because she worried it might be awkward

so it doesn’t look like much transparency in finances re this relationship

My comment wasn't directed at OP . It was directed at the poster who questioned how the partner sustained their life style on 2 days working per week.
And is this not a same sex relationship without a " he"?

2 days a week
cheap flat share
prob PIP are some such benefit

I can’t imagine accepting a partner of a mere year paying 100% of my holiday when I know that said partner is

a) a single mother of a dependent
b) I only work 2 days a week

it says a great deal about their moral compass

He, she, them, it

really… who cares?

Only read the first page but beyond grim to take your child to stay over in a flatshare, wtf???

Well I don't care.

But for reason some posters are taking issue with the fact I'm not joining in with the condemnation of the partner's choice of lifestyle.

I don’t remember the OP mentioning a gender. This post feels really sad to me. There this other person is thinking they are connecting with a new partner and being accepted for who they are and, as apologetic as they sound about it, the OP is all the same secretly judging their approach to life, and calculating their assets and, what’s more, everyone on here seems to be in full agreement that all that matters is a person’s mortgage status and career identity.

So what if they share a house with a friend? Seems a sensible arrangement to me. Plus, it’s impossible to rent affordable accommodation as a single person anymore - all of those high flying ambitious people buying investment properties and elevating the prices.

I think this person sounds as if they have a lovely approach to life, not rushing into a 40 hour a week grind in the name of ambition. Some people prioritise other things and maybe that is ok. If they are going to be quietly judged for that, I honestly feel for them. Sounds like a recipe for soul destruction over time.

@Churchofthegoddamnwild fair enough, the partner has chosen to work part time and share a house with a friend and escape the daily grind. But do you also think it's OK to let your new partner, a hard working single mother, pay for your holiday?

Not being the OP or her partner, I wasn’t privy to the entire conversation or dynamics around that so don’t feel in a position to pass judgement on that really.

The partner can do what the hell they want
if they want to work 2 days a week and have bugger all ambition and live in a house share at 40… go for it

what we are saying is that a successful financially I depend single mother to spend her money on someone like this with very little of it ever being reciprocated is utterly daft on the part of the op

and yes… dragging your child along to your partner of a year’s house share and then to sleep… where? Is “grim”

This person has accepted a partner of a mere year to pay 100% of their holiday when their partner is a single mother and they only work 2 days a week…. Does that honestly not indicate that this person is a little… off?