WIBU to reassure this child that my dog is friendly

[Allelbowsandtoes]

Hi,
This happened earlier today and I've been wondering about whether I was in the wrong or not.

I was walking earlier with my dog (she's s whippet and very lazy, usually either trots along beside me or sniffs things, not boisterous or anything). We were walking in a big local green space where there's always plenty of off lead dogs.

I was on a quiet, wide path in a wooded area. I came near some little girls who were with their mum. When I was about 4-5 metres away I could see one of the girls became very nervous and her mum advised her to stand back from the path and stay calm. My dog wasn't approaching her but was going to walk near her to get by so I called her back (she came immediately, we've trained recall extensively) and put her on the lead. As I was walking past I put as much space between us as possible but said to the little girl "don't worry, she's friendly " just to reassure her. Thd mum snapped at me "just because she's friendly, doesn't mean my daughter wants to say hello to her".

Tbh I was a bit pissed off, although I didn't say anything. If my dog had been greeting someone who didn't want to interact then that would have been a fair thing to say, but she was being really good.Then again, the girl was obviously scared and maybe has had bad experiences in he past?

Do you think the piss magically disappears? You probably do. It doesn't

Her dog WAS on a lead and unable to approach the children.
OP you behaved like a responsible dog owner and that woman was rude

I've been that mother with my daughter so many times. Am absolutely sick of dog owners thinking that my child wants them anywhere near her - I couldn't care less how friendly a stranger's dog apparently is, my daughter is scared and doesn't want it anywhere near her. I don't think it's at all irrational for anyone, but especially a small child for whom the dog is much bigger than for adults, to not want an unknown dog near them, I certainly don't. All dog owners would do better to assume this is the default for everyone rather than starting from the point of view that people want their dog near them, however friendly and harmless it apparently is.

If you can't see it, how do you know it is there?
I have no illusion that the outside environment is sterile. Not sure why you expect it to be, but that is a you problem.

This is exactly what I do. Our labs 30+kg of pure muscle, no one wants that barrelling into them or slobbering on them. I always walk off to the side into the long grass and let people pass.

That wasn't a natural instinct of mine as we trained guide dogs when I was growing up and the first thing you do is teach to ignore, ignore, ignore so it feels wrong to usher him to the side but I think there's so many more dogs and people about now, that it's become habit.

Thankyou for your very honest and reasonable comment. I can imagine that is rubbish to be around dogs all the time if you don't like them or are scared of them.

This. The previous dog owner probably said that as her daughter got bitten. I probably wouldn’t have made a comment as it sort of minimises her fear. Children need to be able to be scared or nervous and feel those emotions. You were trying to be nice - but it might have seemed as though you were saying ‘you’re wrong to feel scared or worried as my dog is ok’ just stay neutral next time and say thanks for standing back, or even more neutral afternoon it’s a lovely day.

My friends daughter is terrified as she was attacked as a young child. She won’t visit our house or go anywhere even a cafe if a dog is there. So we go to their house. She won’t even visit if the dogs are locked away at mine - so we stick to stuff she can do.

I wasn't assuming that she wanted my dog near her - I could see that she didn't want mh dog near her, which is why I put her on the lead!

Use this experience to learn something - don’t continue to be stupid about this.

If you read the thread you will see the OP is doing just that. She's not being stupid about anything.

This ^

Ive been a dog owner but as a child I was absolutely petrified of dogs and would have been distraught at the sight of one coming towards me off lead. I would never have had my dog off lead (even though he was pretty much bomb proof, excellent recall and very well socialised and round kids a lot) if I saw kids or other dogs in the distance I always would have leashed him.

I was walking with my toddler today and a woman opened her car boot and released 8 medium sized dogs which all ran en masse for the green which meant a bee line for my toddler. I just about lifted him out of the way before the first dog would have bowled him over. I had no way of knowing if they were friendly nor did I care. To my mind she was deeply out of line releasing dogs off lead around small children. She didn't give a hoot and didn't take me on at all. So I can see why the mother was irritated with you and I don't think she was wrong in what she said. Far too many owners use "they're friendly" to excuse really poor behaviour.

I've also had a woman allow a massive husky (which completely ignored her recall attempts) to run at my toddler and lick his face while he was on his bike. I remember looking at this giant dog running at us and genuinely being like I don't know what the fuck to do. "He's friendly" was all she could say. I don't give a shit he shouldn't be in a position to lick my kids face. All dogs can have a bad day.

Tbh it's the irresponsible owners that ruin it

Awful woman who is instilling fear into her child. I would have laughed at her.

I say this genuinely, I really feel for any child that's been attacked by a dog, how utterly terrifying. It must be hard now so many places allow dogs.

I hate it when someone says ‘dog is friendly’. Had dogs all my life, love dogs… more than people but that line grates and probably 80% of the time dog does something ‘not fine’! Sorry op.

But you couldn’t help yourself by commenting in such a way that minimised the child’s fear. You behaved as if you were right and they were wrong. As if putting your dog on a lead was a huge virtuous act instead of what should be normal.

Yes, that's right, and I shouted "bow down to my dog skills" as I walked past.
Seriously, I'm open to comments but this is ridiculous. Huge virtuous act?

My DD had a deep seated fear of dogs from toddlerhood to around age 14. We have well-behaved dogs in the wider family and my DD had never (knowingly) had a bad experience with a dog, it's just how she felt. Possibly their size, barking, unpredictability of movement and so on. As a young adult she began to rationalise risk a little better and was able to control her reactions.

The 's/he's friendly' phrase did nothing positive for her and began to irk me over the years because though well-intentioned, it's somehow implying that the child is wrong to have those feelings.

All that's needed in this situation is to call the dog back to you, put it on a short lead and give plenty of room walking past. Keep it on the lead for a distance so it can't run back when unleashed.

If you must say something, then a cheery 'Good Morning' to the parent is fine and normalises the situation. If the child is screaming or hanging round the parents neck in terror (my DD), and the path is narrow, you could reassure the parent and child with, 'I've got the lead very firmly and will walk right over here to give you some room' (step off path and give them a wide berth).

That's it. Thank you for asking the question. It's kind of you to reflect and consider this issue.

OP has already said she didn't realise how loaded the "don't worry, she is friendly" line is. Now they know.

Every dog owner says "they're friendly" - even those that are on the news for just attacking/killing someone.

It's a totally meaningless thing to say.

I had a dd who was absolutely petrified, for no apparent reason (and another who has absolutely no fear of any dog and adores them). The best owners were those who put their dog on a short lead and either just said "hello" or "don't worry, he's with me."

It's the blasé way dog owners assume that everyone will believe them saying they're friendly, that makes it much worse for someone who is nervous, because they can't trust that they won't release the dog two seconds later and ignore the fact they've promptly come straight back to you.

In the same way, when we were first married and I asked dh to remove a spider, he used to leisurely finish what he was doing, then wander over to have a look then say "oh that's not that big, can't you deal with it...". Now he comes over and removes it for me without making a fuss.
It makes me much more relaxed with spiders because I know he will come and remove them. When I knew there would be a long period for the spider to disappear and potentially him not to remove it, I really felt very panicky.

If there's ever a snake, I'll be the one removing it for him though.

This week I was walking a 14 yr old labradoodle. He's deaf and his back legs are going so no off lead. We were in a country park, on a path wide enough for a car and we were off in the grass at the side with his head in a long patch.

A small girl on a bike just stopped and screamed at him. Dog didn't even notice her.

If people don't like dogs they'll get pissed off at them just for existing.

Im a dog walker fed up with all the outdoor spaces being busy in the summer holidays.

When my son was about 3 or 4 he was absolutely terrified of dogs after one jumped on him

He would cling to me and scream if one came near, cue lots of owners eye rolling, snapping at me their dog was friendly, and being pretty rude a lot of times.

One day a lady with two greyhounds was approaching, I did the usual apologising in advance and trying to wrangle my terrified son so she could get past.

She stopped, said it was absolutely fine, and then asked if she could tell my son a story, which she did, for 45 minutes she told my son all about how she rescued them, how they were scared of her and how she helped them not be scared, showed him how she stroked them to start with to gain their trust and asked if my son would like to do the same to them.

And he did, she was so kind, had the patience of a Saint, and literally stopped his phobia in its tracks that day. He was absolutely fine with dogs after that.

I never saw her again, but think of her often.

The lady in your story was probably just at the end of her tether with a child who is scared of dogs and people essentially saying "well mine is friendly (so get over it)". Which I get, I was there as well. There are approaches you could take though that aren't so dismissive if you had the time or inclination.

This is beautiful and thanks for sharing.

My mum has an ex racing greyhound. He is the perfect gentleman. One time she was walking him, and a lady was walking past with a boy with Down Syndrome. The lady tried to guide the boy away from my mum and her dog, and said he was terrified of dogs. But he was trying to get to my mum's dog. My mum did say he was gentle and friendly, and this boy managed to stroke my mum's dog and give the biggest smile. His mum (or carer) was amazed and said it was the first time he had ever done that.
I will admit, there is something special about my mum's dog. I keep saying she should have him assessed and trained as a Pet as Therapy dog. Even strange dogs who hate dogs seem to gravitate towards him and feel at ease (including humping him, one of which was female 😅).

That's exactly what I wish people would say when I'm in that position with my little granddaughter who's scared of dogs. But every time, the dog walker makes it about their dog. As if they can't bear the fact that someone might not love their dog like they do. But my DGD is in no state of mind to be addressed by the owner, telling her that the dog is friendly (and of course she's heard that often enough in situations where the dog is jumping up, so she's not reassured by that claim).

Either say nothing and get out of the way asap, or say the above (preferably to the adult, with just a smile to the child while moving away).

I love dogs, but DGD doesn't. The worst is when the dog owner takes it on themself to provide a learning experience, and actually approaches DGD with the dog, to 'encourage her' to be less scared. FFS. I could murder then when they do that.

People are growing tired of owners saying 'it's ok, my dog is friendly' and then the bl@@dy thing jumps up at them. It sounds like a cop out phrase to validate their dog"s behaviour. And because it's so common now, saying those words is no reassurance whatsoever to the 'victim'. You did nothing wrong, OP but I can undestand why the mother snapped. There are too many untrained dogd (and owners) around and unfortunately, there's no way of telling them apart .

"Don't worry, he's friendly" is the only phrase I can think of that gives me instant rage. It's been a recurring negative theme throughout my child rearing years.

Responsible dog owners seem to be a small minority, and as such, should be aware of the impacts of their less-responsible peers.

As others have pointed out, that family had no doubt heard that phrase many times before and in much worse circumstances than you describe. 'Friendly dogs' would have instilled the fear you describe in the child.

Due to past such events, seeing an unleashed dog triggers a survival response in many parents, and because flight is not a safe option, they go with fight, and can come across as being 'overly' aggressive.

The fact that you are a dog owner and seem completely unaware of these things (i.e. you haven't considered why the mum responded the way she did) seems to indicate to me that you are a bit oblivious and should do better.

Leash your dog in public spaces - its selfish and entitled to do otherwise.