To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

If he’s hungry, feed the poor lad. Get some cheaper filling food in if you need to.

I think it’s important to know what the issue is. I would hope to always be in the position to feed a hungry child, but of course if you can’t afford it that’s a problem. If it’s more the frustration of it all then I think it’s important to find out if there’s a problem at home. And that’s when it’s helpful to think about super cheap filling food. If he’s genuinely hungry and a good friend then surely you just get a loaf of bread and make him as much toast as he wants. If he’s just a bit overexcited about the fun snacks I’d just put those away and see what happens.

We have loads of snacks available and have had to put some restrictions around it as children in my home who aren’t used to self regulating can struggle. But a child asking for extra helpings of actual meals must be hungry and I’d be more worried than frustrated.

My daughter has a massive appetite- she’s an athlete and just eats all day. She never gets enough food at friends houses and would never ask for more so she always brings a bunch of food with her - protein bars and such. She eats double portions at home and often an extra egg or peanut butter toast or something. Just how she’s made. So if she was more self confident she’d likely be this child without meaning to be rude at all.

of course if you can’t afford it that’s a problem
OP has already been clear she can afford it, it's just her priority is working out how not to feed him (without saying no) rather than working how to feed him.

Example cheap filling meals that cost similar to the roughly £2 pack of cereal bars and fruit OP is rolling out daily across this kid plus her own 3, before even the dinner she resents adding portions to:

• 4 jacket potatoes, 4 tins of beans, butter
• 500g pasta, tin of tomatoes, little bit of extra veg and flavouring
• Loaf of bread, small peanut butter, butter
• Pack of wraps, packet of refried beans
• 500g rice, mixed veg and flavouring
• Pack of eggs, onion, broccoli and carrot chopped up small

Dropping snack for early dinner one day but providing a cheap plentiful option would let her double up portions easily. Given she is still feeding her own 3 kids, adding a packet of mince or quorn, cheese or extra veg into any of those stretched out cheap options would be unlikely to be more than she is spending anyway.

I'd talk to your kids. Just conversationally, when the other child isn't there, "Gosh, Tommy is always SO hungry. Does he eat a big lunch, too?" It's possible he's having woefully inadequate packed lunches, or simply not being sent with anything (It does happen, and kids can feel ashamed and hide it). If they reply "Oh no, he has school lunch, and the dinner ladies always give him extra" then he just has a big appetite. What does he look like, skinny or on the normal to plump side? If the latter, he could just be greedy, and mum is trying to limit him to healthy stuff at home. Or maybe your food is different to theirs, and he prefers it. My MIL was a dreadful cook, and as children my husband and his brother loved eating away from home, because the food was so much better! So many scenarios here. Personally I'd just feed him, but not snacky stuff like chocolate biscuits or crisps, just toast and cheap jam as has been suggested, extra pasta/mash, make one dessert, and tell him there's no more once it's gone. Can you chat to mum, and say something like "Gosh, can't believe how much my kids eat, they must run around all break time." or something along those lines and see how the conversation goes.

Have you spoken to the parent? My DD would probably have been like that at his age. Not because she wasn't fed but because she had no 'off' switch. Didn't recognise when she was full ( unlike her brother who has always eaten until he is full and then stopped). It impacted her weight. Now as a teenager she has learnt to stop eating when she has had enough but it took a while. The kids parent may be grateful you are feeding him, but may be annoyed. I would have to tell other parents not to feed my DD too much. Just give her a normal portion and then offer water or carrot sticks or something.

Really? The OP is helping and is feeding this child. I mentioned nothing about the school or council being responsible for the child. I work in a community hub and wish I could save all of the children and families that come through my door but you learn pretty quickly in this type of environment that you can't save everyone all of the time. The OP is being generous and kind but quite rightly has concerns about this situation for several reasons.

Ultimately though, this child is the responsibility of their parent/s.

Stop the cereal bars - and fruit if too costly

and once home from school a cheese spread /ham /jam sandwich

is he a large boy @GazerJame

My daughter is tiny and burns through food so fast. I was the same and remember coming home for lunch feeling faint with hunger - the same at teatime. I wish I still had that sort of metabolism.
Kids need good protein but if cash is short then
I would just have inexpensive food in. I'm sure last time I was in lidl I got a large bag of pasta for about 45p.
Popcorn as a snack - you can get a large bag of corn and it will last ages.
We used to have regular gathering in our house with about ten kids and a huge bowl of pasta and some pesto and a huge bowl of freshly popped popcorn put out to help themselves was always a staple.

If you're worried about overfeeding, have a chat with his mum about what her rules are?

Ahh you sound very kind OP.Just to start do you think he may have worms? Itchy bot ,starving all the time .I appreciate this is difficult to bring up with Mum though! Does your DS go there at all.I think I would see if you can bring down the visits to yours to maybe once a week or something .Does your DS have other friends he can see.Its never great to just limit to one friend only.

Poor kid, id wonder if they are being fed at home. Why not make/buy flap jack. Its very filling

This could be my child. He has no off switch and just eats and eats ( he is over weight) . I actually always discuss this with anyone who looks after him and say once he has eaten an adequate amount please don’t give more.

so this child may view your house as one where the rules are different and you can eat and eat and may not realise it’s an issue. You need to explain the rules in your house. They can’t mind read .

I agree. It's a kid, might not be your responsibility, but why not help them if you are able to?

How do you mean..”shames”? If you can’t afford it, that’s that. On to the next solution. What has “ shame” got to do with it?!

Because most of the replies center on oh just feed them, how could you not blah blah, it's not always that straightforward sadly

Feeding him is one thing, but feeding 3 meals in one sitting is not right. That one is on the OP. She should say no.

Not feeding hungry guests is incredibly stingy. Buy less snacks/ say no to snacks and let them have a decent meal!

Not feeding hungry guests is one thing, but the boy is at OP's several times a week, and is requesting an inordinate amount of food.

A 7-yr old doesn't need 2 or 3 snacks, three bowls of pasta and then cake.

One snack, a bowl of pasta and cake is fine.

Why dont you see if you can have a bit of a conversation with him next time hes round and ask about foods he eats at home etc to get an idea of how things are

When they arrive in from school give them a drink, fruit and one treat type biscuit. Say 'that's it until tea time' and stick to it. Then load him up with pasta, rice or potatoes, veg and a normal portion of protein. The carbs are cheap to give him extra. State 'no seconds'. Your house, your food, your decision. Try to ease the friendship off before he's a teenager, he'll be a nightmare then. He's probably got a tapeworm.

I totally get it, I got told off as a child for giving a snack to a friend. We couldn’t afford it. And we didn’t have food banks then. If you ain’t got it, you can’t give it!

He’s not like an occasional dinner guest - he’s there a few times a week eating everything he can get.
That’s quite a burden on a family budget.
OP is perfectly entitled to say one portion is enough - if he doesn’t like it, he can go home and ask for more there!

YABU. Unless the kid is obese, don’t deny food. It’s a couple of times a week and no other issues. Just serve cheap food all the time like pasta. It doesn’t break the bank twice a week and it’s worth it for the entertainment and happiness of your own child. Plus you don’t know if there’s a backstory like the others have suggested or if the child isn’t comfortable eating at school and doesn’t eat very well there. My children tend not to eat a whole lot at school and wolf down a lot at home, especially one of them.

Could be down to the parents, i have seen padlocked kitchen cupboards before and kids massively rationed and told no all the time, he,s probably delighted to get to your house, so hold judgement til you onow more and home situation x

Try to find out more about his home situation. I was landed with feeding my son’s friends years ago when I was a single parent so I appreciate what you’re saying.
Meanwhile, why not make the same filling first course/starter every time he comes? for example, a tin of soup with small pasta shapes added. Very filling when served hot as it has to be eaten slowly!
My DS ( now 40+) had a friend who often hung around at tea time. I fed him and my DS seemed relieved. Turned out his parents were big drinkers and often failed to make proper meals. In the end, he virtually lived with us for the whole summer holidays.
I quickly learned to serve big starters like hot garlic bread and plenty of chips/mashed potatoes with the main meal.
Sorry about my long response, OP. Good 🌺

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