To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

The OP isn’t inviting you round for dinner though is she?

Im a feeder so it wouldn't worry me at all to cook a larger portion of pasta with tomato sauce or big baked potato with beans and for him to have seconds.

Sainsburys do an own brand hidden veg pasta sauce 500g for 69p and a bag of basic pasta for 65p. Frozen peas to add protein are cheap and easy too.

I think these ideas for meals are great suggestions from other Mums here and toast and jam costs very little too as a snack.

Can't us Mums/ Grandparent's show a bit of kindness and generosity to an obviously very hungry child. I cant believe some of the harsh comments here. Hes just a child and very polite at that.

It wouldn't happen in other cultures such as Italy you would be fed till you popped as a visitor!

Some kids have higher metabolism and maybe food is scarce at home.

If however he was showing signs of obesity or poor health i would be seeking out his parents and gently explaining the situation with kindness of course.

If you are struggling financially or just dont feel comfortable with him coming so frequently reduce it down to once a week.

Maybe his parents are always saying no to snacks and second courses, you indulged him on the first date and he is now just in awe od being able to get any snacks and second courses that he wants.
If there isnt signs of neglect, ai would actually chat to the mum and mention that you ahve been giving him snacks but he keeos wanting more and havign second and third courses of dinner. That you want to check with her about it as it seems a lot.
If I were the parent I would then say, oh no, thats too much, just tell him no extra snacks or second courses and that I will tell my child not to ask.
If they seem pretty decent then I dont see why you cant have that conversation. But in a more tentative way, not just, your child is greedy and eating me out of house and home more, is this normal for them type of thing

This.

All of these suggestions telling OP how to fill him up with roly-poly and cheap pasta are wild.

OP is getting fed up with his demands for more food. Time for a word with his family.
It's not her kid. It's not her responsibility to fill him up.

Just to offer a slightly different point of view, DS used to have a friend around this regularly and he often stayed for tea. He wasn’t hungry but his Mum didn’t cook and he lived off takeaways and convenience food.

He always really appreciated staying for tea and would walk through the kitchen and talk to me about what I was cooking.

He’s in his early twenties now and a chef

Agree with this. Also we don’t know what’s going on at home- might not be neglect just simply tight finances so where you’ve shown generosity he naturally takes advantage of it.

When I was a kid things were really tight- while I wouldn’t demand food and snacks at other people’s houses, I certainly would take advantage of whatever was offered such as seconds, thirds as I wouldn’t know when the next time I could eat until I was full would occur. It wasn’t bad manners just scarcity mindset.

One of my DC (7) has a friend like this, she’s always starving when she comes round, she’s very sweet but eats my cupboards empty. We’ve learned she has a difficult home situation and they are often quite stretched so I just feed her whatever she wants (home cooked meals, healthy snacks, fruit, cheese). I wouldn’t want to deny a hungry child.

What happens when you child goes over to theirs? Pleanty of food? If they come over twice a week I am assuming you are pals with the Mother? Whats your experince with her? You know her well enough.

Either his parents aren’t meeting his needs, or he has an eating disorder.
Why are you cooking so much?
Kids don’t need snacks if they are eating properly at meal times and it causes damage to their teeth.

Oh I would feel too sad to not do it to be honest. There is clearly a reason he is so hungry.

Personally I would keep a couple of cheap bags of pasta in the cupboard or some bread and jam and say there's no more dinner but I can make you some toast.

I know costs are tight, and the child isn't your responsibility, but at that age denying a child food when they are asking for more can lead to certain eating disorders. I should know - my family were very much thats all there is and thats that... and I went through some things as a teen. It was only as a an adult my attitude to food became healthy again.

I know its not your child but to deny a child who's hungry food seems quite sad to me - my child or not...

Either that or you have to straight up talk to his mum about it and ask she sends some extra snacks with him.. I think not allowing him over is very extreme

You just need to start saying no.

''Sorry, we don't have more pasta''
''No, we aren't having multiple snacks today''

etc

He's probably just greedy rather than hungry and taking advantage of you giving him whatever he demands.

One of my son's friends was like that. Always hungry and asking for food. I found out later that his parents were very specific about food they eat at home ( think super healthy clean vegan) and controlled the child's food too.

I agree - it sounds like he's a hungry kid not a greedy kid

My parents were. Not vegan but very portion controlled.
They aren't evil just took some very bad advice from a friend of theirs.

It ruined my relationship with food, I was obsessed with my weight (I was hugely underweight) and it took quite a long time to get out of that mindset.

I’m quite shocked at all of the posters saying a 7 yo is “greedy.” It’s be different if he were asking to be taken to Mac Donald’s or a teenage boy demanding another takeout but this is just a wee lad!

See, this is the sort of post that just shames a poorer family, those things you mention above were ( and still are) luxury items for my shopping list! Also stating such and such is affordable...not when your budget is already tighter than, well you get the idea!

If this was me, then someone (me) would have to be missing even more meals every week to accommodate ( which I would if a child was genuinely going without). I'd cope for maybe twice a week and be ensuring child went home the other days ( depending on how friendly my child was with them)

Hes literally asking for more pasta not another big mac... I don't get the greedy comments either...

The problem is that you're offering up more expensive foods like fruit and cereal bars, then getting annoyed that he's eating a lot. Buttered toast for snack. Dinner - 500g pasta 75p, jar of pesto £1, tin of tomatoes 45p, grate on some cheese; add some cheap veg chopped small and fried if you have it. Serve water and like or lump it, glass of milk or half juice/ half water with dinner. Biscuit for dessert. Doesn't need to cost much and he'll be stuffed as will your 3.

It isn't just one more bowl of pasta though, is it? It can sometimes be two more bowls of pasta plus asking for snacks and then asking for pudding on top of that.

I'm failing to see how that isn't greedy.

It might be worth putting in a message to the safeguarding team at school as well- they could keep an eye on him to make sure he's getting enough to eat at school. I know with my children's school they also offer food packages out to certain families as well which might be an option if mum is struggling a bit.

This is what I’d be worried about.

@GazerJame does your DS go to his house ever ? If not why not

you say mum works - are you free after school childcare

does mum pick him up ?

I cook enough for dd and friends / I don’t make 2/3 extra portions so you are obv making a lot of else would say it’s all gone now after first serving

OP, it really depends on what the cause of the "excessive" eating is which will determine how you tackle it

• Not getting enough food at home? Unless there are safeguarding concerns, if it's an issue with the mum not being able to afford that much tbh I'd probably just stock up on cheap food to feed the friend and not mention it to his mum so as not to embarrass her

• Friend is just being a glutton because you've essentially allowed it so he thinks it's OK? In the nicest way, set some boundaries and stand up for yourself!

There is a 3rd option which is friend isn't being underfed persay but perhaps your food is REALLY nice compared to home. In this case, serve a reasonable amount of food that you're happy paying for but no more. Take it as a compliment that he likes your food/cooking. (This was sort of me in school, my DM much as I love her is a fucking awful cook so I'd often ask to go to my friends house - she was Indian and her mum was an AMAZING cook. I didn't do the rest of stuff your DS friend does like constantly asking for food, but I'd always want to go over to my friends house in a general sense because the food at home was so unappealing. I feel bad about it now but at the time I was a little kid, so....)

I hope you get a free meal when you visit where he works!

Some of the replies here are hilarious (sorry OP I know it's not funny for you):
Give him protein based meals instead of carbs
He could be diabetic
Is it a worming issue 😂
And the winning comment in response to all the 'buy some cheap pasta' advice: 'I buy Dececco' 😆