To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

Omg! Padlocks? Where did you see this? Are you a social worker? That’s awful. 😢

This was me as a child. I was actually a little overweight because I stole food but I was underfed at home. My mum made tiny ultra healthy meals and they had no other food available, I was starving.
You’d never have known from looking at my home or parents especially with their professions but they have since acknowledged they didn’t feed my siblings and I enough.
Please give him cheap bits to fill him up, you just never know what’s going on

Hi op you need to speak his mother yes he can come around then go home for tea. I would also ask her how his appetite is at home just be honest with her tell her he has x amount of snacks then food but he asks for 2nd and thirds which is a lot more than my dc eats plus desert and your concerned you might be over feeding him. He might just like food, or could just be a greedy one or he’s not getting enough at home but this isn’t your problem I’m not saying he should be starved but if his mum is working she is more than likely feeding him. You can’t skint yourself for somebody else’s kid.

Make cheap nourishing food when he visits. Surely you can stretch to second helpings of pasta and rice pudding? Impose limits on expensive snacks.

The child is a guest and it's generally impolite to refuse a guest food. Children are people too. (Though yes, an adult would be unlikely to ask for thirds of dinner and would have better manners).

I think feeding him something filling first like Weetabix and allowing time for that to settle so he feels less hungry before you get to dinner is a plan.

He needs protein with the carbs - peanut or other nut butter on toast, cheese, cheap bacon etc to fill him.

I’d be flagging it to the safeguarding lead at school, just in case there are issues at home.

There are so many children who are hungry at home and it’s often missed. I’d want to be very sure he isn’t hungry before refusing food. I have a friend that teaches primary and there are lots of children that don’t eat much at all in the holidays as they only have free school meals.

But you can change the snacks and food offer to something very cheap and see how that impacts things.

Why would you not discuss this with his parents?

As he is 7. How does he get home. Does mum collect ? Do you drop off ?

can you then speak to mum

Doesn’t sound like this is pure greed - he genuinely sounds very hungry and I wonder what is happening with food at home. I would actually mention this to the school. And I would have extra pasta or rice cooked so he could have as much as he wanted. But I would be strict with the snacks

Why do people find it so difficult to say no?? You’re the adult here.

This.

And if he's helping himself, put the snacks up high where only you can reach them.

Is he actually being invited to yours for tea or just after school play, if she's your friend you need to tell her he's hungry and asking for food at yours, what does he eat at home, does he have school lunches.

This is a lot of responsibility three times a week. He’s not being child minded so why isn’t he in after school club ? The parent is getting free care for those days and it’s actually cost the op. I would cut it to one day to play and ask the mum what’s going on . Being kind I get but you need to be registered to mind children for a reason. It’s not just the money it’s the whole situation.

@tempname1234

“Yes, you are being tight as you are saying it is getting expensive. You do mind or you wouldn't be here posting about it.“

she does mind, she has admitted that. She hasn’t got a bottomless supply of money to keep buying all this food. Not to mention she probs doesn’t want to spend all her spare time in the supermarket!!

My parents were Irish, when we had friends over they got fed, when my own kids were growing up and had pals over they got fed.

I realised when my kids had pals over that some families were not as lucky as mine, so it never really occurred to me not to feed one of their pals, or even to worry about one of them having seconds.

Sometimes you pay things forward.

But why is he coming over several times a week, that's not a normal play date situation.

I would flag it with the school. He might be asking for more food at school too and they might need to check if everything is ok at home.

Well you can't just leave the poor boy hungry. You will have to tell his Mum to pack him some food if she wants him to go round. Tell her how hungry he is. You can't just leave him underfed now. You have a responsibility to find out what's going on.

Personally I would have thought about the home situation straight away.

Is it a real issue to let him eat seconds? A bit if extra pasta?

Maybe it bothers you as you wouldn't expect the same from your children (fair enough)but if they are a nice child and playdates are fun, just let it go maybe.

One of our dd friends eats like a horse and I just make sure I give her a bigger portion. Hardly costing a fortune for an extra bowl of pasta.

His mum needs to know and tp explain why he's so hungry and coming to you so often, at 7 he can tell you where his mum is and when he has tea.

Is this a Y2 child and so having free school meals?
If so could you mention to his mum that he always seems absolutely ravenous after school eating several snacks and multiple servings of tea.
Could it be that he’s not eating his lunch? Some children are in such a rush to go out to play that they don’t eat it all.
Suggest she has a word with school to see what their view is.
If nothing else at least she will be aware of the situation, which might prompt a conversation with her child about the amount of food he’s eating at yours and why that is.

A cake can be on the expensive side. A packet of biscuits can be 45 pence. Just give him a few biscuits when he asks for cake. And serve up less bowls of food. Surely he should have the same amount of food as your son has ? Just say that.

Id be worried for this 7 year old. It sounds as if he’s really hungry. Do you know his home situation? As the children are such good friends coukd you start chatting to his mum? I know his welfare is not your officially your problem but there may be a child welfare problem. So often people dont get involved and children are really suffering. Great advice about cheap pasta, toast, beans, jacket potatoes etc. Feed the kid basic food - he's great good mannered polite company for your son and this is worth a lot! If you become aware there's a home problem, talk to the school

Everyone keeps saying it's nuts but op hasn't clarified what a "bowl" is. Some people feed 7 year olds in those kiddy plastic ikea bowls still. And if he's used to a normal adult bowl at home then that's a huge difference.

We need photos. One person's "huge meal" is another person's snack.

Also cheapest loaf of bread from supermarket (Asda value one) and freeze it. And same with smart price tub of jam. He can have an extra slice of toast and Jam - surely that's cheap? And his friendship is keeping son entertained and happy.

No need to feed him all the cereal bars/snack stuff. Just 1 thing of that maybe with fruit and that's it.

If consensus on pasta is its actually a decent sized portion. Then just 1 bowl of that.

Anything else is a slice or 2 of toast and jam.

And a "not right now I'm cleaning the kitchen now. Off you go and play " it's ok to say no to kids. (But caveat is that this is actually a normal bowl of pasta not a toddler bowl)

Maybe he's not being fed enough at home?