Was this comment by the waiter a bit off?

[doriiii]

This is something that happened a couple of weeks ago but not sure if I'm being overly sensitive.

Went to meet a few friends for some food in a nice pub. I arrived a bit later due to work hours. When I arrived I asked the waiter where they were sat and he walked me over. I asked if they accepted blue light cards, and he said 'only if you say pretty please'.

It really grossed me out, and I knew he wouldn't have said it to my male friends.

I didn't say anything but did kind of laugh when I said 'right ok'.

AIBU to think it's just a bit of a gross comment?

Because she felt the need to say it here, so it must be important.

I bet a male waiter would not have said it to a male customer.

Saying it to a nephew or close mate is not the same.

We used to say "pretty please with a cherry on the top and coca cola poured all over" when we really really wanted our friends to do something!

“gatekeeper to your discount” @doriiii ?

Seriously?

Except it’s not friendly, it’s patronising. Friendliness extends to all sexes.

Friends being the important context here.
Plus the saying of it voluntarily, not the power play of “only if you say…”

Only in answer to why she didn't reply in the moment. Why would you suggest she use it in a complaint when it's irrelevant to it?

That's obviously subjective. Some people seem to choose to be professionally offended.

I wouldn't call it gross as to me that implies stomach turning and vomit making but certainly a bit rude and thoughtless. But two weeks ago????? move on!

Well, we will have to agree to disagree.

Jesus. Really shit engagement/rapport-building. I'd loathe that and think you were a twat.

And as for ‘gatekeeping my discount’ - what bollocks.

Is that it??

I thought you were going to say something far worse. A stupid, puerile comment for sure but I’d forget about it.

I’m reading through the messages to find out an appropriate response. I am in my sixties so grew up as a feminist - but there was misogyny all around me. At age 20, as a waitress, I would probably have laughed it off whilst in my head thinking “what an **hole”.

I am surprised to read so many posters saying this is banter. My understanding of banter is there has to be equality in the relationship for it to be appropriate. In this case the waiter is not equal to the customer, unless of course the customer is a regular and then they may already be on friendly terms.

So thanks @WestwardHo1 I love the idea of the stare and repeat of question. I’m not at the age when I am likely to get that sort of comment. That says a lot about it being sexist I think.

Fact is even if people do respond in certain ways to males versus females it doesn't make them sexist or abusive or controlling or prefudiced,

Fact is, responding differently to people soley because of that person's sex, in a situation where the sex is completely irrelevant does make them sexist.

Because I'm a sarcastic ass-hole who thinks the whole thing is a storm in a teacup.

This. Jayzus is this really all you have to worry about in life!

You don’t need to defend yourself for not speaking up. It’s so annoying when a woman comes on here to complain about a dickhead comment from a man when they’re unprepared and in a public place, and everyone (with the benefit of hindsight and total anonymity!) blames them for not having an instant, hilariously witty comeback that obliterates the whole concept of sexism! 🥱 when most of them would have done the exact same thing…despite them saying “oh no I wouldn’t…I would’ve grabbed his left bollock and twisted so far up his….blah, blah”. No they wouldn’t. They’d do an awkward laugh (cos sometimes that’s just a reflex response) and sat down. He’s the dick in this situation, not you.

And id think you were an awkward customer.

Then I'd move on.

And some people choose to be professionally patronising and dismissive.

If you're in a hospitality role always best not to irritate many of your customers even if humourless people would think they were being hilarious.

“Um, I've said stuff like this to a man (and women)” but I’m assuming you’re a woman - that’s the difference.
There’s an unspoken dominance by men that means a phrase like that is patronising coming from a man whereas it’s not in the same way when said by a woman. Might not be right but it’s true.

And you'd be wrong.

Most people would think nothing of the comment. It was a complete non-event. I just don't look for problems where there are clearly none.

Still doesn't explain why periods are relevant.

I agree.