To think most men wouldn’t survive a year living the life of an average woman?

[ThatRealLimeBee]

The daily grind of sexism, safety worries, juggling expectations, emotional labour… Most men have no idea. AIBU to think they’d crumble under the load if they had to swap lives with us for a year?

yeah wartime conscription is the ultimate in men having it harder than women. Imagine being forced to fight, watch all your friends die, knowing you will soon either be killed yourself or horribly maimed. Nothing about childbirth or menstruation (come on) comes remotely close.

I’m not saying men don’t face their own pressures, they do. The point was that many don’t experience or even notice the specific daily realities women deal with and that those challenges are different in nature. It’s not about one-upmanship, it’s about perspective.

Omg, this is an utter betrayal of the MN sisterhood 🤣.

Spot on btw. Bang on ☝️.

As much as I don’t agree with the basis of this thread, the precise reason some women don’t feel like they live in some sort of sexist hell, is because they’re able to be the main earners of their families.

I’ve been the breadwinner in every relationship I’ve ever had, and certainly for the last 15 years. I’m fine with that pressure, thanks.

They absolutely would survive if they had to. The point is they never do have to because women constantly over-anticipate and swoop in to prevent them having to think about stuff like this.

Hmm I don't know about women crumbling under the pressure of being the breadwinner. If my husband did all the stuff I do in terms of sorting the house, kids, mental load, and all I had to worry about was work? I'd be at the top of my game!

Men and women do have different strengths and weaknesses. And here I am very much generalising I know... But I do agree that women put up with a shit ton more and just generally cope better with pretty much everything. Under the weather? Crack on because we have to. Periods, pregnancy, childbirth? Crack on. Work stress? Well, life won't stop for us to deal with that!
Slightest sniffle, men are in bed unable to move, slightest stress and it's the end of the world. Last minute planners, minimal effort with mates, rubbish at organising kids stuff. Sorry, that's just how it is!!
Again, generalising but women are better at the emotional stuff. Men are generally better at the practical stuff.

Personally we play to our strengths and divide things relatively fairly, I think - but many don't and I agree we can be real bloody martyrs.

Yep, same as the usual Christmas post(s) about this. Men cope more than fine when they have to. It's the getting to that point that seems to be a disconnect in a lot of relationships.

I don't feel like I face sexism or safety concerns every day.

My dp doesn't crumble at the first sniffle he is far more stoic than I am. We share tasks equally we, are kind to each other. I certainly dont feel a constant worry about my safety. If you feel beaten down by the 'mental load' then stop dping it all its a choice.

You could equally say some women don’t experience or even notice the specific daily realities men deal with

But being the sole breadwinner isn’t just about going to work.

It’s do we have enough savings? How much of a mortgage can we afford? How do we keep affording it if I lose my job? How do I sort out retirement? What happens if I get sick/injured/die? What happens if my boss is an asshole? What happens if I stop processing at work? If my company goes under? etc etc…

It’s a form of mental load in itself.

SleeplessInWherever- great, obviously I didn’t say NO women could handle it, but I think there are many who would find it a struggle, especially broadly defined as above.

Huge generalisation. Do you think men who do heavy manual labour on building sites or travel long distances, living away from their families to find seasonal work crumble at the slightest hint of a sniffle?
I think this thread is based on a certain vision of men and women where the man works an easy but fairly high paying office job, has his “hobbies” and generally lives a fairly charmed life. The women in this scenario are self-appointed martyrs, do everything for the man and for the kids (and choose to have kids with a man they know will not do an equal share). That doesn’t reflect the average man or woman across the world but generally work done by men is physically harder and they suffer ill health more than women. Jobs that are really bad for your health like painter decorator or dangerous industrial work are almost never done by women.

Yes, eg the numerous women on social media making cleaning their house part of their personality. You don’t have to do that. You don’t need to bleach your toilet daily or scrub the kitchen floor every night.

I genuinely don't recognise this, and to be honest don't understand why people set their lives up like this. Yes, DH and I could swap and of course we'd both survive. It wouldn't even be that different. I can't imagine he'd have enjoyed childbirth, but it's not like I was - and nor was I some sort of stoic throughout, and I think that's fine!

Do I think that there is still inequality between men and women? Of course. But claiming that a man would find the average life of a UK woman unliveable is silly to the point it undermines the genuine case.

Thats just a mumsnet stereotype IMO. How many men are self employed tradies? Not a chance they go to bed with a sniffle.

Bar my wife's job which I'm not qualified or smart enough for it would be an absolute piece of piss

Unless it's a the passport renewal year obviously

I agree with this some women put it on them selfs.
I dont do xmass easter etc and the world keeps moving.
Somethings i read about on MN i dont see the point in doing.

“Men cope more than fine when they have to.”

Exactly. You don’t find this level of strategic incompetence that the op is talking about in the workplace. Funny it only manifests in the domestic sphere…

Well that’s fair enough, I’m sure there is a mental load attached to being the only earner.

But I actually believe that people who can work, should, and nobody should be living exclusively off their partners income because I believe in equality in finances, household activities and parenting. Proper equality.

I’ve been the breadwinner for years, but I wouldn’t be the sole earner and bankroll someone, ever. It would put me off if it was even suggested. I’m not a bank.

If men decide, or agree, to be the sole earner - the consequences of that choice are on them, because it is optional.

I cant really see much difference between my life and DHs to be honest. There are some bits he couldn't do (birth) some bit he is less good at, he really struggled with ds autism at the start and I had to carry him, but there are things he does im crap at or couldn't do too and he has had to carry me at other times. I think our whole species is designed as men and women not men v women to get the maximum out of life.

Agreed. I think part of the reason I don’t feel the “female load,” is because I’m not busy looking busy.

It’s do we have enough savings? How much of a mortgage can we afford? How do we keep affording it if I lose my job? How do I sort out retirement? What happens if I get sick/injured/die? What happens if my boss is an asshole? What happens if I stop processing at work? If my company goes under? etc etc

I out earn DH by 3 times so that does all fall to me. I actually was made redundant at the end of May so it has been a worry, but as I have made sure we have enough savings, it’s not been a disaster until I start my new job in September.

DH would be fine, but initially he’d have no clue who the orthodontist is and when DC need to go, same with the dentist & optician. He’s not on the WhatsApp groups for the kids sports groups, nor does he have details for the plumber/electrician/cleaner. DD has a follow up hospital appointment in November I don't think he knows about, so she’d probably miss that.

Everyone would be fed/clothed/get to school, but it would take a good few months for him to sort all that stuff out.

."If men decide, or agree, to be the sole earner - the consequences of that choice are on them, because it is optional."

Surely what's good for the goose is good for the gander then for any woman complaining about their mental load.

Totally, the bit before the part you’ve quoted said about equality.

Instead of complaining about the load, share it and minimise it.

Expect your partner/husband to do the same amount of housework, parenting, cooking, shopping, whatever. They can, many do. They don’t because we weaponise their incompetence and do it ourselves.

The “mental load” of being a woman is because not enough of it is being passed to a man.

...this is a really interesting thread topic @ThatRealLimeBee . I agree with some of what you said @Lavenderandclimbingrose . I do think men have their own struggles/challenges, particularly in terms of mental health. I think it also depends so much on context (e.g. age, socioeconomic factors, culture, class, family construct, marital status, etc). It isn't that straightforward. Each have societal pressures.