To think most men wouldn’t survive a year living the life of an average woman?

[ThatRealLimeBee]

The daily grind of sexism, safety worries, juggling expectations, emotional labour… Most men have no idea. AIBU to think they’d crumble under the load if they had to swap lives with us for a year?

@4timesthefun maybe it comes down to the way that if your DH isn't usually the one to do that kind of organisation then it's not surprising if he didn't instantly start doing everything the way you do. Give him time and I'm sure he'd learn, just as I'm sure it took you time to learn and you probably made some mistakes along the way.

Add painful smears to the list. In particular I'm thinking of the delightful nurse who barked at me that she 'wouldn't be able to do anything if I didn't relax'. If women don't experience the same problems with intimate procedures it tends to be a case of 'don't know what you're bellyaching about, get on with it' - as seen on many MN threads where posts about difficulty with smears tend to get met with 'Grow up and get a grip, it's a moment or two of mild discomfort,' etc etc.

But to get back on topic, if men had to put up with some of the things women do (e.g. hysteroscopies), there'd be effective pain relief for one thing, instead of being told to buck up Sandra* it's just a twinge and you can always have a Nurofen when you get home so stop being a silly girl. I do honestly believe some medical misogyny comes from female clinicians who don't understand a specific issue because they don't experience it themselves.

*not my name

It makes you wonder how, if men can't cope with pain, the trope about men never going to the Drs came about.

Hackneyed cliches in both directions I guess? I've known several hypochondriac men and also many "just Get On With It" types of women who have no sympathy for illnesses.

Pain threshold is not something, in my experience, that's related to gender.

God, all of these "all men are the same! all women are the same!" threads get my goat.

I've been the primary breadwinner for decades and I'm fine, thanks. I know lots of women who are. It's not the 70s.

Well it depends if a woman is using a man as a cash machine there is still plenty around

It’s constant safety considerations, being underestimated, appearance pressures, and other things men don’t have to think about. That’s the bit I think most men wouldn’t cope well with.

I'd say teen boys and old men do.

Also watching FIL get dismissed and ignore now he retired and getting old.

I do more the mental work with the kids - appointments but that's been practical for us and DH can do it if he has to - all but schools that do try and push it onto me teh "mother" - ringing my number first what ever we write and having this weired expcation at times that I can drop everything and do their bidding to support the kids - hopefully that will change next generation as well - as it often comes from working female staff - often though not always mothers themselves.

I can't say I know any of them.

Just to chip in here, my wife died leaving me to raise our three year old daughter alone. I have not cumbled. We are both thriving.

But what I did to survive was not put unnecessary pressure on myself. I don’t need to do a perfect Christmas, I don’t try to remember everyone’s birthday, I do the best I can to survive. That is what men do. Drop the externals concentrate on the vital things and do those well

@CatHairEveryWhereNow At one point the DCs were on the child protection register because of their mum's issues and I was primary carer. The school knew about this, not least because the head teacher (who was great) was heavily involved and we'd had several of the social services meetings in the head's office. My name was most definitely down as the primary contact.

When my DD had an accident, guess who the receptionist called?

I think the issue is women get judged far more harshly than men. So if presents and cards don’t get sent to in laws suddenly it’s the wife’s ‘fault’ as much as the husband’s. ( perhaps even more so).

If a dad ‘copes’ by feeding his kids chicken nuggets for a week, while working and doing some minimal housework, he’ll be applauded for how ‘hands on’ he is. The bar, when it comes to domestic stuff and life admin, is much lower for men than it is for women.

And I know some women put themselves under ridiculous pressure to do it all and that perhaps feeds some of these societal expectations.

But then you see it all the time with stupid content about bikini bodies and beauty ideals and how much women judge other women for working or for staying at home etc… men just don’t have these kinds of expectations put on them. So I agree they would struggle if they had to face the constant criticism and judgement that women often face.

I agree to an extent but men don’t have those expectations on us mainly because we have an ability to give less of a fuck about what other people think. If someone put that expectation on me I would brush it off. I know I’m doing my best, fuck everyone else and what they think

Also on the nuggets every night point I know loads of mum’s who do that without judging each other.

Ive seen a few plus you only have to read MN.

I don't recognise any of this in the slightest.

I think a lot of women choose to put unrealistic expectations on themselves and then complain about it.

Wellaybe that translates as women making extra work for themselves putting in " more effort" when it's obviously not necessary

It's getting that way.

I completely accept that things were different in the past, with "a women's place is in the kitchen" attitude prevailing.

Things are changing, as they should. And hopefully will continue to change as the next generation grow up and take charge with different attitudes to those of my generation and the ones that went before.

I am all in favour of equal pay for the same jobs, and the same opportunities available to all. First and foremost we are all just people, trying to have a decent standard of living.

But there are quite often physical and emotional differences between the average male and the average female. We are different and quite often go about things differently, that's fine.

What I do find irritating is the endless misandry on these threads. It's no better than misogyny.

Hmm maybe I don't relate to all this " woman martyr" stuff as I grew up with a single father family. Therefore it was the norm that Dad could deal with stuff perfectly well. Also means I've expected every partner to be competent and be able to do stuff and not be expecting me to do basic things for them

I don't feel my life is a daily grind. To the extent my life ever was a grind, that was when I was young with a lot of MH issues, and actually quite few responsibilities.

My 82yo dad is having a lot of health issues while my 82yo step-mum is skipping merrily and very healthily into old age. Their main difference is biologicl: men get more health problems at a younger age than women. I'd rather be her than him for sure.

Heck as a child when I was bullied a lot I was always grateful to be a girl. the boys had much worse bullying. Bullies were M&F btw.

Wives at home actually save their husbands a fortune on childcare, cleaners, gardeners, painters and decorators, second cars (they prefer walking), Ubers, expensive supermarkets, takeaways, take out hot drinks (never!), full priced items generally (they prioritise living frugally), books, window cleaners, car washing, beauty treatments (do their own), hair cuts. Wise up and check your judgment!

Some wives at home…..

Actually, we don't crumble. We get organised. I earned more than my DP most of my working life. I was the one with the grit and persistence to get better qualifications and to work hard. Oh and l did the majority of looking after DD.

And the criticism you describe generally comes from…other women. This, plus the fact women take on so much extra stuff we don’t need to and worry needlessly about inconsequential things is the root of the problem. So I generally think men would be fine if they had to ‘deal with’ the things women do because they just don’t care or judge others the way we do.

Think of the endless threads on here from school mums tearing “unfriendly mum cliques” at the school gate to shreds because those mums do not talk to them. Some of us obsess and stress over making friends with a complete bunch of strangers while I have yet to meet a man who cares about making friends with other dads on the school run.

The women who choose to spend time and energy buying presents for their in-laws and then come onto MN to complain. Why? The world will not stop turning if your MIL doesn’t get that hand-cream set for her birthday. If your DH isn’t bothered, why are you? It really doesn’t matter if your in-laws criticise you for not buying the presents. Just ignore and crack on. It’s what men do!

Are you for real?

Fuck me 🤣☝️.

Wives at home prefer walking and live frugally.
Yes, and on really special occasions they treat themselves to a glass of elderflower cordial after lifting their nightdress.

Proving my point exactly. And I can highly recommend an elderflower cordial with ice out in one’s garden whilst entertaining 👌🏻