To think most men wouldn’t survive a year living the life of an average woman?

[ThatRealLimeBee]

The daily grind of sexism, safety worries, juggling expectations, emotional labour… Most men have no idea. AIBU to think they’d crumble under the load if they had to swap lives with us for a year?

So your best friends career is not a distraction that makes her a poorer mother then?

I guarantee you I wouldn’t. We’ve always been frugal and lived within our means, zero debt. No mortgage, no car loan, no student loan repayments, I’ve never wanted or owned a credit card.

If my DH left tomorrow I could live with no adjustments to what we currently pay by working 3 days a week. I have many contacts who would employ me quickly. I actually have enough savings to job hunt for a while if need be.

I know many people (who both work FT) who if their partner left them, could not survive on their 1 FT income. They have taken on way too much financially, and would certainly need to downsize and start making major adjustments to their monthly outgoings. Funnily enough, I know someone in real-life who works FT but is staying with her DH for this very reason right now. She can’t survive financially without him. And she earns more than my DH!

My best friend isn’t disrespectful towards SAHMs.

Two-thirds of respondents agreed with the OP?!?!?!

This sort of thing just makes women sound silly and self-obsessed.

You would let other people raise your precious children? Farm them out to poorer women so you could work? 😱

So what?

Either paid work is a distraction and makes women poor mothers or it's not. Pick a lane.

Neither am I but you absolutely ripped into me and others on another thread just for being working mothers. You accused a number of posters of being neglectful.

And it most definitely was you because you spoke about your friend on that thread too.

The language you use when talking about working mothers just screams judgement. Your comment about being distracted by work is a prime example. You talk about wanting to be respected as a SAHM on MN and in real life but you show little desire to offer that same respect to people who’ve made different choices to you.

Mine are at school, so yes hypothetically I would rather work school hours than not pay our bills, of course.

Not sure how the men I'm closest to - father, brothers, bils, and husband - would feel if they'd endured the sexual assaults I've been subjected to, if they were constantly underestimated and undermined at work, if they existed in a world where so many adults were so noticably taller and stronger than them, if they had monthly migraines.

But, not sure how I'd cope with their lives - the physical assaults they've been subjected to, the physical labour they do - paid and unpaid - the weight of financial responsibility (which I know comes in part from women not being paid well enough for our work).

My brothers, bils and husband carry a lot of responsibility, in ways that I and my sisters/ sisters in law don't - as in, their wages pay the rent, our wages couldn't cover it - and they have to work their bodies very hard.

I don't envy them, though I don't think they envy us either... Though I do wonder what it might be like to have a body that could at least potentially keep itself safe.

So mothers working is only a distraction until they are 4? Are we free after our four years of being nothing but mothers to live again without harming our precious children?

If all your children are at school all day I don't think you can actually call yourself a SAHP. If you're just at home on your own all day that's when you become a housewife.

Again, showing absolutely zero comprehension of what else SAHPs do during the school day 😂

Oh and I can decide for myself what I call myself thanks. You don’t get to decide that. Stay-at-home parents are those with children of any age technically. You’re just adjusting the definition to make yourself feel better. I can and will actually call myself a working mother if I please- all mothers work hard, after all.

Well you're not looking after your children are you!?

Which is the whole point of a SAHP is it not?

Oooh someone's prickly 😂

Careful dear, your sweetness and light honey bun mask is slipping.

Will you still be calling yourself a SAHP when your children are 30 and all that's left to do is housework and hobbies because you had children at some point?

Please tell me what SAHPs do all day when they haven't actually got any children to look after, I'm dying to know. Please tell me it's things like laundry and food prep, that other people do after work, it would make my day.

Well I’m cooking them breakfast every morning, personally doing every school run with zero breakfast clubs/after school clubs, taking them in and out to GP/frequent serious hospital appointments for 1 DC, attending every school event, leading on all school communication, volunteering there, helping on many trips, collecting them, hosting friends, listening to them read, washing and ironing uniforms, sorting dinner. My children have never, ever been late, never been without a detailed comment in their reading records, their clothes and shoes always fit, their nails are cut, I have never not ensured a single thing school have asked for or needed has not been swiftly sorted. Zero Mum guilt- this is my priority and I am on top of things!

Not sure my lovely nan would have survived the 12/14 hour 6 day weeks my grandad did as a low paid farm labourer just after he’d finished serving in the Second World War with what they then called ‘shell shock’ and a very bad back burn that became worse as he got older and fitter and wider physically stretching his skin in an agonising way.
it ruined him by 58 his body just gave up

not sure I’d have been up for the 15/16 hour days my first husband did as a chef either barely covering the bills while I stayed home with our kids and on the odd evening off he had having to make excuses to the lads , as couldn’t afford a pint with them despite pulling an 80 hour week

This ‘women’s’ mental load nonsense on Mumsnet baffles me - most of us just make calls or sort stuff online while either being at home - lovely- or quickly in a lunch break or on a day off etc

‘Daily’ sexism and misogyny?
who are you ? Where do you live? What do you do ? As if that’s happening to you here in the UK I’d eat my hat 🎩 for breakfast lunch and tea

get a grip

• Painting and decorating, both inside and outside.
• Spending time up ladders sawing trees, pruning shrubs, trimming hedges, washing windows.
• Washing walls.
• Properly cleaning- oven, fridge, kitchen appliances, etc.
• Ironing.
• Full weekly clean.
• Food shop.
• Regularly decluttering.
• Volunteering, often for several organisations.
• Caring for elderly family members. Also cleaning their homes, doing their laundry, collecting their prescriptions, spending time talking to them so they feel less lonely.
• Running errands when neighbours are ill.
• Pet sitting for anyone who needs help.
• Christmas prep- making chutney, giving children time to make gift bags, wrapping paper, cards. Booking the best Xmas days and times as soon as bookings go live- they are in my diary.
• Booking and planning everything for the whole 6 week Summer holiday. Park bags/beach bags/picnics/suitcases- we always have everything we need.
• Setting up the garden and inside with purposeful play opportunities to match each child’s age and interests. Creating new play areas, switching others around.
• Changing over and displaying the most up to date art work of my DCs because I love to look at it.
• Properly printing and annotating family photos because we all love browsing them. Rotating photos in frames in every room.
• Visiting potential party venues to research and decide which to book.
• Properly hand writing cards, wrapping presents and posting parcels which never arrive late.

Loads more I could add. Running a family home is varied and quite different each week/season.

I have many moments of frustration with being a woman and moments of real anger about sexism, historically mostly.. like elements of my mothers and grandmother's lives. But we are still the first on the lifeboats, no one will ever instruct me or my daughter to shoot another woman. We are protected in many ways that men are not.

I take on the mental load of running a home and I admit that can get stressful. I do a lot more organising re the kids. Dh has a job a million times more stressful than mine, I couldn't do it. I feel there is a balance in my home.

I don't get the safety concerns, I never really think about safety to be honest. I don't experience sexism so don't get that either. I don't relate to a lot of this OP.

I do think tho, the hot flushes and meno symptoms in late 40s/early 50s are comparable to what tradesmen experience at the same age when after hard graft from 15/16 starts to take its toll on their bodies- knees/backs/hands all starting to crumble and give way after so many years of punishment and physical labour. It can happen very quickly and sadly ‘reasonable adjustments’ don’t exist in those industries and that dang mortgage/rent still gotta be paid …
I come from a community where ‘women worker miracles and men worked hard ‘ etc etc
bit fuck me them men worked hard- to the death in some cases - on the farm / labouring etc - old before their time
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a women work herself to death ?
have you?

Work in construction myself. Yup, lots of old knackered guys from the days when H&S was a shadow of what it was now. I'm in the concrete industry and there are plenty with occupational asthma from years spent around silica dust without proper breathing apparatus (costs a grand or two for the proper air supplied helmets with air tank on the back). That's the lucky ones that didn't get silicosis and die before their time.

I'd rather do any of those tasks than work down a sewer, collect rubbish, apprehend a knife wielding drug addict, rescue a hostage from armed terrorists, fight the Taliban, remove a violent drunk from a nightclub, investigate a case of serious child abuse/paedophilia, etc etc.

All of which are jobs largely done by men.

There was actually a really relevant thread a good while ago. I've just tried to find it but can't seem to.

It was all about how hard life is for women and turned into a bit of a bunfight. Somebody linked a thread talking about how lucky women that don't need to work are and another poster compiled a load of posts from it to basically demonstrate the privilege they claimed a lot of women have.

I didn't 100% agree as both sexes have their own hardships but it was defo an eye opener. The poster said you'd never find a thread in the entirety of the internet with even half as many men enthusing about how they spend their days on their hobbies thanks to the support of their rich wives. I couldn't really disagree with that!

Can't find the original but found a repost...

My sil is 44, rich and has NEVER had a job, lucky her! She has no trouble filling her day and has a great life.

Dp earns the money then gives it to me. Why would I feel oppressed?

I haven't worked in 8 years and bloody love it! I got to go shopping without ds today and have a long lunch with a friend. Going to the gym now.

My friend is married to the son of a billionaire and sometimes I have to block her on social media because her life is one long holiday.

I dont work, I was able to be a sahm with my sons, both in 30s now. I lunch, dressmake, walk my dogs for miles, spend time with friends and family etc....
I also volunteer for a small homeless charity, something I am so passionate about, being literally close to home.
I feel totally fulfilled!

My DSis married a very high earner and has never worked a day in her life.

My DH works 80 hours a week for a signficant amount of money, which allows me to be a SAHM and indulge myself, allow me to do all of my volunteering and my hobbies.

I work just a few hours a week in a job I love doing, I don’t have to work for financial reasons. I’ve accidentally ended up with a really high earning DH. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, I have hobbies, an amazing spa membership and an extremely fortunate to have some really good friends whom I’m able to see nearly every week.

My SIL is lucky enough to not have to work due to DB’s income. She has nice things, goes out for lots of lunches.

I'm a SAHM who has teenage children and is fortunate to be married to a high earner so I haven't needed to work since having kids. We do have a lifestyle that most people would find impressive.

I choose not to work. DH works really long shifts and odd hours so can be out of the house either days or nights, with each week being different. When the kids are grown I'll go and get some post-sahm work. Maybe in a shop, factory, cafe or something similar.

The funniest post was Monday morning when she started by posting “it’s going to be a long week, hoping the nanny isn’t late” followed by “anyone know a place I can get nails done, not happy with the place I’ve been going as I think they overcharge and wanting a day to pamper myself a bit.”

I feel lucky that I don't need to work. I am not getting any benefits because dh earns enough.

I'm lucky in that I didn't have to carry on working.

I am lucky enough not to work and stay at home with my son, as DH is a high earner. I feel extremely grateful for this every day, and try very hard not to take it for granted.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3764425-To-think-you-are-very-lucky-if-you-dont-have-to-work

...in the wars other men caused.