To think most men wouldn’t survive a year living the life of an average woman?

[ThatRealLimeBee]

The daily grind of sexism, safety worries, juggling expectations, emotional labour… Most men have no idea. AIBU to think they’d crumble under the load if they had to swap lives with us for a year?

All the men I know socially and in family would cope fine swapping. I don’t think I’d cope well in my DH’s shoes – he does an extraordinary amount.

But they wouldn’t do it. We put the stress on ourselves. My husband does his side of the family, gifts and cards - no expectation on my. Because that’s how we roll. He collects the kids and drops them off and he steps up. My children have been raised the same. Why do we feel ‘a woman’s load is huge?’

This.... DH cooks the christmas lunch in our house.

I ignore stupid appearance expectations. I don't wear makeup or heels etc, do not get my hair highlighted or my nails done. DH doesn't either....

Amazing 😂

I agree with this.

Equality doesn't mean everyone doing the same thing, living their lives the same way as everybody else and all having successful careers and earning pots of money.

Equality is being able to choose. If someone doesn't want kids or a partner and wants to live a single life then that's fine. At the other end of the scale, if someone wants to be a SAHP and their partner is happy to accommodate that, then that's fine too.

If someone wants a successful career earning pots of money with a big pension, living in a luxurious home, then good for them. If that's what they want to do then go and do it.

If someone wants to be be an artist, live in a converted donkey barn and know they will probably never make lots of money, but it makes them happy, then go and do it.

One person's equality doesn't necessarily look like someone else's.

I don't sit at my kitchen table imagining I'm running the world, I'm actually out there doing it.
and yet.. here you are on MN with some home makers. Funny isn't it 😂

Just because we ended up in the same place at the end of the day, it doesn't remotely mean our days or the impact they had on wider society were comparable 😂 there are people from all walks of life here, why do you think the use of Mumsnet is relevant to peoples lifestyles?

Is your world so black and white? Either you are at work, or you are cleaning? You can't find anything fulfilling to do anywhere? Odd.
It is well known that work improves social skills, intelligence, self esteem and confidence and opens up opportunities through training and education. That's why it is so different to return after a long break and people who fall out of work often struggle to get back into it if they're out for a few years. I'm also very proud of equestrian achievements and enjoyed my travelling, but I wouldn't be able to pay for those without my career unless I found a cash machine rich husband to pay for it all for me.

As for keep banging on about cleaning the kitchen, it's miss Nigel that has waxed lyrical about endless domestic duties and child rearing activities like there's nothing better for women to do. I am well aware there are far more 🤔 things in life than "diligent housewifery". Of course we are free to choose, but we are also free to judge and think that these women are letting the side down! Especially when these are types of women banging on about how men could never cope with it all. Cope with what? A bit of housework and all of the self imposed wifey standards they have made up for themselves?

You sound interested in what being a ‘diligent housewife’ entails. Basically the following (which are positive!);

• Putting your children and husband first in any decision you make, as does your DH. Asking yourself: Who does this really benefit? Your own family comes first, always, every time.
• Not bad mouthing your DH and DCs at any given opportunity. Praising and celebrating their qualities and achievements.
• Ensuring your home runs efficiently. Really getting to know the needs of your individual home and garden. I’m all about efficiency- I know exactly how often each cleaning/maintenance task needs doing. This actually saves you a load of time in the long run.
• Diligently volunteering whatever time you can at your DCs schools, for counselling style charities, actively running errands for extended family members, neighbours and other parents. Ideally living close to both sides of the family. Studying things that interest you.
• Hosting often. Warmly welcoming family and friends, anticipating and thoughtfully meeting their needs. I delight in hosting vegetarians, vegans, nut allergy sufferers, friends who have different cultural dietary needs, etc. I will joyfully adapt my menus and remember their preferences.
• Freeing up evenings and weekends for date nights and adventurous days out (who said a housewife doesn’t like adventures or travelling the world? Many travel more extensively than the average person with their DHs on international business, particularly those without children yet).
• Prioritising hobbies and leisure activities. Not treating these as an after thought.
• Never leaving the house in PJs!!!

It makes for an exceptionally happy and fulfilling life 😊

again, we are also free to judge and think that these women are letting the side down!

yes, you are free to judge, but what "side"? you are the one "letting the side down" by pretending you should have a say on how women live their life.

Are you so insecure you need other women to do the same as you? Why does it make you so uncomfortable that someone has another lifestyle? How can it possibly affect you?

People don't need a paycheck to use their social skills, and access training and education, improve their intelligence and so on, but if your identity is so linked with your job, it's your choice. Is it what what makes you so unhappy: to see people just as educated, interesting, confident, busy and active but who couldn't care less about a job title?

Bloody hell. You know that most women manage these things whilst also working right?

The misogyny is in seeing these things a woman's priority. They are basic responsibilities everybody both male and female have.

A war they started

I have never found my life as a woman a burden and I am quite sure every man I know could "survive" being a woman.

It affects me because there is absolutely no way every housewife's husband pays enough tax for four people to be net contributers and not drains on society. Our country is in the state it is because too many are taking and not putting enough in.

It's a really basic concept that in the UK at least that there is pride in paying your way and shame in letting everyone else pay for you. As an adult of working age it is your duty to earn your keep because the children and old people can't do that. If half the working age adults are economically inactive too you end up where we are right now as a nation. So yes, I want people to actually contribute to the state because they live here. I don't think that is remotely radical.

Actually thinking it is only mens responsibility to pay for everything is deeply regressive and misandrist. And society would never accept men diligently house husbanding away while their wife works and pays for everything. There's your sexism. Until men are not judged for not paying their way, women should get to work and pay their way too, there's your equality!

Ps. Education training and skills are wasted if you're not using them on something productive. A degree in physics is wasted if you spend the rest of your life baking. You wasted your time and the tax payers money or whoever else's money paid for your degree if you don't use it. I'm not insecure, I resent people taking a free ride and calling it 'progressive'. Nothing about idolising the 50s is progressive.

Is that it? I am the least housewifely person I know and I still tick many of those boxes.

Putting family first - if your husband does it too it's not a specific housewife role, just what people who live together do.

Not slagging them off - ideally you'd actually like the person you married so this should be a given (again it's not exactly a task, is it).

I don't give much headspace to housework at all but I still know how long hoovering and cleaning takes. I know this precisely because I don't want to think about it for any longer than is necessary.

I don't have children but I volunteer, campaign and protest for causes I care about. This doesn't seem housewife-specific either.

"Joyfully" adapting menus made me laugh but hosting people for dinners, parties and dinner parties is something my friends and I have done since our houseshare days. I don't associate it with housewives either.

Nights out and days out and holidays are again things that everyone can do, not just housewives.

I definitely prioritise leisure activities! That's why I didn't have children!

I've never left the house in PJs though I do pretty much live in athleisure.

On top of all of this I still have a career and earn my own money and like I said, waste as little of my thought on homemaking and housework as I can.

Agreed.

We’re parents to a very complex, disabled child and definitely also hoover.

We definitely cater for dietary needs - I’m allergic to nuts.

We’re also definitely going away for the weekend next week, as a couple.

We just both also work, and pay for that food/leisure together.

to be fair, most of us don't
which is why cleaners are in such high demand for a start😂

I actually know plenty of stay-at-home Dads/house husbands too- up to them.

Great to hear you are embracing core home making tasks- there is no shame in understanding and embracing these tasks and describing them for what they are 😊

Of course most men would manage, there is plenty of women out there that don't bother doing the mundane stuff.

The administration might suffer, my DH would be capable excluding paperwork.

I think what is actually being said is that they’re not homemaking tasks, they’re just normal parts of life.

Yeah I manage all of these AND work full time. So does my DH.

I don’t ever want to be described as a ‘diligent housewife’.

I guarantee you that most people don't pay enough tax to actually contribute 😂
Just google it

there is pride in paying your way and shame in letting everyone else pay for you.
arrangements made privately between a couple have nothing to do with you. There is pride in anything you want to be proud of, if being a SAH partner is that, then go for it. You don't even need kids. Be a stay-at-home wife if you like, it's a free country. Be proud of that! I'd be tempted just to look at the sour faces of people like you 😂

And society would never accept men diligently house husbanding away while their wife works and pays for everything.
welcome to 2025, we are finally starting to!
There are a few high-profile women with SAH husbands. Again, google it.

You care far too much about other people. Why is that? I couldn't care less if you spend your day baking or doing cutting hedge brain surgery.

I resent people taking a free ride and calling it 'progressive'
we get it, you are jealous and resentful. It IS progressive when it's a decision between 2 consenting adults. People being free to live the way they want to live, fancy that!

I call bullshit.

There's no way you can have a full time job, look after your children, AND prioritise your hobbies. You can be as efficient as you want, when you work 8-10 hours a day, and have a family life, something got to give.

The difference between you and me is that I don't resent people who prioritise their hobbies. Good for them.

If things were unnecessary, they mostly wouldn’t be done by women either.

Sure it isn’t mandatory that you plan a nice Christmas, but how fucking joyless would it be with an M&S ready meal for 4, and whatever gifts he can pick up on Christmas Eve from the Aldi aisles of cack?

Kid’s birthday parties, dentist appointments, back to school shopping etc, not unnecessary but largely carried by women.

My husband is pretty hands on with all that stuff. He does most of the cooking, mucks in with the housework. But he cleans a bathroom in 5 minutes, whereas it can take me half an hour to do it properly. He thinks it’s unnecessary, and yet, he will also complain when he has to replace grouting or mastic if it becomes mouldy. That doesn’t happen if it is cleaned properly regularly. On the other hand, he spends days cleaning our driveway every year. Getting rid of weeds, power washing, re-sanding the joints. He claims it’s for maintenance, but apart from the two weeks it looks sparkling clean, our neighbours’s drive which is rarely done, looks exactly the same.

It makes me laugh when people claim what women do is unnecessary. Usually that just means nobody notices that it’s done. But they sure as hell notice when it isn’t.

Exactly. Outside of social media, most people seem to be able to work, raise kids, walk the dog, do housework and socialise without a need for all the drama. It's just basic day-to-day life.

Call bullshit all you like but you don’t know my life or how I organise it.

And who said I resent anyone? I don’t.

Absolutely. Pretty much everyone I know manages it.