To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

My husband I debated about whether he should attend his best mates wedding (he was best man) when I was 38 weeks. And that was only a 2 hour drive away from us. Both of us were in two minds over it. Turns out, the decision was taken from us as I was in and out of hospital from 34 weeks onwards with various issues and I had to be induced at 37. We took a loss on hotels, etc. but hindsight made us realise that even discussing it was daft, it’s way too close to be going anywhere far.

I hope you don’t have any issues with your pregnancy, but the fact he isn’t able to have a reasonable conversation about it is worrying. I hope he comes to the right decision.

I agree this is a lose lose situation.

But I wondered if not making it about the birth itself would help. Its about more general support thats needed too. There can be little minor complications that crop up that need monitoring, and even in perfect pregnancies, some mums just feel vulnerable and a bit uncomfortable by that stage. You feel you need him regardless of the birth process. Its not very kind to look at someone at that stage if pregnancy saying they need you and to say tough can your mum do it!

It doesn't matter if his friends wives didnt need thier partners at that stage or if the baby doesn't come.

There is nothing wrong with going to Ibiza at 34. It’s not about “recreating one’s youth”.

The issue is his treatment of his wife - not the fact they are going to Ibiza.

Wait, what?

He just booked it, without telling you, and then gave you less than a fortnight's notice that he was going off to Ibiza when you are at full term?

So there was no discussion, he just "told" you, and admitted that he could have "told" you earlier but chose not to because he knew you would be unhappy about it?

What a wanker!

My sister in law went into spontaneous labour with her first child at exactly 38 weeks.

Can you ask your mum or someone to come and stay with you?

If you do go into labour when he's away I wouldn't even tell him, let him miss the whole thing.

He’s an absolute prick! He thinks you’re trying to control him? Wow.
I’d be asking him why he thinks it’s ok to prioritise an old uni mate to go on a four day drinking bender, above being there for his partner and potentially missing the birth of his child!!! Would he still be hellbent on going if you give birth 2 days before he buggers off?
Jeez, you’ve saddled yourself with a selfish manchild right there. Oh and yes, show him this thread!!!

My DH missed being best man at his brothers wedding due to mine being born at 34 weeks.

babies are unpredictable

My first arrived 17 days early so YANBU. If he does go I would invite a friend round to stay just in case

First time parents just have no idea what they are in for. Especially dads, they are detached from the situation really until the baby arrives.
I would explain to him that baby could come early and there could be complications. I was in and out of hospital so many times during the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Its a very scary thing for a woman to go through.
Anythijg cpukd hapoen, my baby breached at the kast two weeks and I had to be induced early.
He really is not understanding the gravity of childbirth. He thinks a baby will pop out on the due date and everything will be fine.he needs to understand more about what is actually going to happen in the last few weeks.

I had my first (completely normal and healthy pregnancy) at 36 weeks due to spontaneous PPROM.

You can definitely go early with your first.

Also the fact that he's quite happy to cause you distress and anxiety over this means he absolutely doesn't give a shit about you or the baby.

Causing you to stress and worry about this will directly be having a harmful impact on your baby due to raised cortisol levels - which cross through the placenta and into the baby's brain - so he actually doesn't even care that he's directly harming your baby by putting you through all of this worry. There is a reason why women are told in pregnancy, especially the third trimester, to rest and take things easy - this is not only to make things easier for them but to also reduce the negative impact of stress on the baby!

I am so angry and upset on your behalf. My DH would never in a million years even contemplate doing something like this. He would do absolutely anything to ensure that I was as relaxed and stress free as possible before the imminent birth of our baby.

Give him this to read . 🤦🏼‍♀️
https://towardsdatascience.com/are-first-babies-more-likely-to-be-late-1b099b5796b6/

he is just hoping it’ll not happen and he can say told you so, you were trying to control me. And if he stays he’ll blame you entirely if you’re late and he “could” have gone. You can’t win now other than delivering early 🙄

you can drive btw.

id clearly say that if he disregards the probability curve in this paper and decides a drunk weekend is more important than being there at such a crucial time, he is telling you something very clearly about what sort of adult he is. and that you will not forget that and how he made you feel. But do not try further to stop him. This is his decison. You’ve made your point. Don’t push him to not going simply to appease you and blame you later. It is his responsisiblty to make responsible adult decison.

I’d would though point out that if this bloody weekend is so important (it’ll ruin his life if he doesn’t go) he should have planned it better before deciding to have sex with you anytime in period around 9 months. Protected sex wouldn’t have been a guarantee either. He needs to take responsisiblty for his bad planning.

Your update makes this sound even worse. What a pathetic loser. I can't get my head around wanting to party. Even if the baby doesn't arrive, you sound tired, no family nearby. Why wouldn't he absolutely want to prioritise you. He clearly has shown you who he is.

Can you stay with your mum for a bit even after the birth, if so, I would decamp there. He will be out and about soon after birth letting you hold the baby. Trust me. Protect yourself. His excuse (blaming it on you and your unreasonableness) is almost worse than the crime. I wouldn't forgive him. he is not only abandoning you but gaslighting you and making you sound hysterical and unreasonable. As if it's all your fault. I mean, WTF!

He definitely shouldn’t go on a stag do that late in your pregnancy, but if something ‘happens suddenly’, you would just call an ambulance surely? Not expect a neighbour to ferry you to hospital.

YANBU, even slightly. Tbh, my feelings for him would have changed after he said that to me. I'd tell him you trust him to make the right choice. If he decides to go, that, for me, would be the end of the relationship. It shows he doesn't care about me, or our baby, and that getting pissed with his mates (and doing god knows what else) is more important. It will always be that way.

Is this really his best friend? You say later he was a uni mate that he went travelling with once. Is he saying he's his best mate as it sounds better than some bloke he doesn't really see anymore and just wants the last hurrah? Surely his best mate would know he wouldn't be available at that particular time?

Also, about the things you've listed to show he has been involved; did he have to miss out on anything to be able to do them? I doubt it. He's someone who will be happy to do anything as long as it doesn't affect him negatively in any way.

I do wonder how he'll behave if he does the right thing and stays at home. Will he be sitting there resenting you if you don't go into labour and he's missed the stag do "for nothing".

Lastly, ignore anyone telling you that "you'll be able to do it alone, because that's what single mums have to do". I was single when I had my twins, so i always knew I'd be doing it all on my own. There was no other choice. Had I not been single, it wouldn't occur to me that their father might not be there because he had better plans. I would completely expect him to be with me at that stage of pregnancy.

It's not just about going into labour early. His behaviour and attitude is causing you stress, you don't need that. You don't need the anxiety of worrying about a long car journey or calling an ambulance.

Ibiza is not that far away. First labour is often not that quick. I said often, not always, before I get all the stories of people delivering in under 3 seconds even though they were a primip. Can you give the opinion of staying, or going but spending whatever it costs of his own, not joint, money to get back if you do go into labour. To be honest he sounds like he will be insufferable if he doesn't go. That will really sour your experience and memories of your pregnancy more than him being away for 4 days.

Sorry, option, not opinion

Ooooo I am usually Mrs relaxed about these kind of things but it's too close.
It's the begining of a new chapter for you together, it should be full prep time for baby.
When I was around 38 weeks my (sometimes childish and pigheaded) husband had to work away for 1 night in England and he was so stressed and chewed that I could go in labour, he really would never of contemplated going on a holiday abroad x

potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

Try and take any of that sort of talk out of your discussions OP, it makes it sound like you are annoyed and angry at him for going away with his mates (not because of his timing), and it will be clouding any argument that you have, which is the argument he seems to be trying to make.

The facts are that you could go into labour at any time around that time, and he should be there for you in those final weeks fully prepped for when it happens, CHOOSING to be out of the country for 4 days at that time is incredibly selfish, and then saying he knows you won't go into labour just makes him sound, quite frankly, stupid.

I wouldn't say no to him going personally, as that isn't your job to police his actions, but I'd have no problem telling him you think he is making the wrong decision for himself if he does go, and you will never forgive him for putting himself first instead of his wife and unborn child, whether you go into labour or not.. but ultimately it's up to him to make that decision for himself.

You're going to have problems with this one OP, just from his language alone and comparing you to other wives, he is showing his true nature and where you/your child fall in his priorities, he will only get worse once the child is born, he'll probably be one of those that spends all his time down the pub while blaming you for nagging him too much.

Very few people expect their first baby to arrive earlier than 40 weeks however many many do! Its too close. In an emergency or should you go into labour he is too far away to support you or get to you in time. His priorities are worrying.

Oh I’m so sorry op - this is a really awful moment to discover the true colours of the father of your child. Agree with others - this is lose lose. What a truly callous and uncaring git he is. Please draw strength from friends and family - hopefully they will help you navigate this.

My first baby came at 37 weeks, my second at 38. It absolutely does happen. It would be normal to have a baby anywhere between 37-42 weeks. I can see why you would be so upset. The thought that someone who is supposed to love you is so happy to risk you going through something so massive, frightening (and risky) alone is a real relationship ruiner. He sounds so incredibly selfish, hes failing at being a partner and dad before hes even started.

If I'm being charitable- is he just a bit thick? Does he really believe that the baby definitely won't come or that he could get a flight back in time?

This would massively give me the ick.

That's definitely too close.
And who is he to know first babies are 'never in time'! 🙄

@Featureso several of my closest friends are male, we've known each other since school and university. One of the reasons I rate them as highly as I do is for the respect and care they hold for their respective partners.

They put them first, always. One in particular gently (almost unnoticeably) defined new & entirely appropriate boundaries in his friendships in order to prioritise his wife & family.

There are good men out there. Respectful, caring, intelligent men. None of us need to settle with selfish the ones.

It isn't just you and your child your husband let's down, he undermines himself. He could hold himself to a higher standard if he chose to.

Yep, same. He stopped drinking so able to drive me to hospital when went into labour. Still saw hospital mates locally and went out, but not drinking and stayed fairly local.

Sorry OP that you are married to this selfish boy (as no proper man would behave like this). I hope you have a good support network of family and friends around for support both now and after baby born.

I would let him go but tell him find somewhere else to stay when he comes back. If you stop him going it sounds like the man baby will just sulk.

As others have said, a proper man, husband and father puts his family first before anything, but shouldn't have to be asked to do so.

I also don't think much of his mate tbh. DH's best mate was getting married around time I was due with our first, and he specifically moved his stag do earlier and to the UK so my DH could attend, as his best man he couldn't really miss it but he knew DH wouldn't leave me near to due date, his friend cared about and respected me so adjusted plans to support us.

38 weeks is just too close to your due date. Your dh is being an arse.