To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I've just asked my 2 DS's (23 and 24) about this.
They said "he's a Dick".

Both of mine were born at 38 weeks exactly. It's unacceptable for him to go away. Babies also usually come at night...so he thinks he'll be out drinking at a stag do, then immediately able to check his phone, get everything arranged and head home in time? It's delusional. What he's really saying is that he is prioritising this trip over the birth of his child, and he needs to admit it or change his plans.

I don’t think you can tell him not to go but you’re certainly not unreasonable to ask him not to!

lol at that manchild, I had mine at 27 weeks. For no reason.

Hes the one that will miss out.

Honestly what are you getting out of this man. The fact he even thinks it’s worth arguing is a joke

Both my babies came at 38 weeks. First babies aren’t always late. He’s being unreasonable, it’s too close to the birth and he won’t get back in time if you go into labour.

He's the one who sounds controlling tbh.

And "paranoid"? Oh, I get it, he's utilising the centuries-old tendency of men to claim female madness as a form of coercive control.

Nothing to see here, just your every day misogyny, carry on.

He sounds like a child and I can’t believe he’s nearly 10 years older than I was when I had my dd. I had my baby (now toddler) at 39 weeks and I know other first time mums who gave birth at 37 and 38 weeks. He sounds like he’ll be a useless father.

The money he wants to spend at the lads holiday should be used for supporting you and baby!

TBH OP with his attitude I don't think I'd want him there. He's either going to be annoyed and bitter if you don't go into labour or sulky and resentful if you do. I'd tell him to go and then ask your mum to come and stay with you while he's away.

He's acting like an asshole.

FWIW, my first came at 36 weeks. Smooth pregnancy, no problems, just early labour (birth went a bit sidewise, but that wasn't due to being early). Problem might solve itself. Of course you might reasonably find it very difficult to forget how he has behaved around this regardless

I would have agreed with him and found a way to destroy his passport.

Yes, iy certainly bodes ill, doesn't it? He's a self indulgent misogynist who doesn't care about his heavily pregnant wife.
What a catch.

Wow - I’m honestly overwhelmed reading through all your replies. I wasn’t expecting this level of support (or honesty) but it’s really opened my eyes. Thank you. I’ve read every single one.

To answer a few questions - yes, it’s been booked quite last minute. He only told me earlier this week, and I think I just went into a bit of shock. I didn’t even argue at first, I just sort of shut down. He says he didn’t tell me earlier because he “knew I’d react like this” which is… telling.

I’m currently 36+5, so not quite full term, but nearly there. No signs of labour yet but I know that means nothing. It’s true what lots of you have said - I’ve been having more and more appointments and I’m getting really tired. I’m struggling to sleep, my back hurts constantly, and I’m starting to get scared about the birth.

My mum can come, but not at the drop of a hat - she works full time and isn’t in great health. I could go and stay with her, but it’s a 4 hour drive and I just don’t think I’d manage it in one go, not in this state. And I don’t want to be stuck that far away either.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. He’s out tonight (ironic!) so I’ll talk to him properly tomorrow. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum but I feel like he’s already made the choice by booking it behind my back.

I really hope he reads this thread. I might even show him.

If I could have a family or friend stay with me or live close enough to be able to take me to the hospital, then I’d be ok with it.

But he’d need to be prepared to cancel at the last minute or return early.

The problem is he wants to go. Any reasonable person would not leave their pregnant wife at 38 weeks not to mention for a stag.

Don’t control him, don’t tell him what he should do. He’s a grown man, you can’t parent him. But be prepared for him to let you down in life.

Show him the thread, OP. If he can read all these replies and think we’re all just paranoid on your behalf and unreasonable then you have a much bigger DH problem.

Definitely too close! First baby came at 38 weeks (and very quickly) so definitely wouldn’t want to risk it.

He’s a complete arsehole

Oh I do feel for you, as pp have said you can’t win whatever you do.

what are his plans for the wedding? Are you both invited, does he realise how hard it’s going to be with a newborn?

Would you be ok with the lack of care, the lack of respect and the offensive language?
I wouldn't!

Yet another man who managed to find a woman to have a child with when he clearly did not deserve to.

He sounds pathetic. Like one of those men who isn't going to change a single thing about his life when he becomes a father and will be a big fucking rock around your neck.

I assume he's to be your birthing partner? That's what annoys me so much about things like this. I was unexpectedly induced due to RFM and if my husband hadn't been there to advocate for me during labour I don't know what would have happened. I really, really needed him in ways I would never have thought of. You need a responsible partner and really if he's willing to miss the birth of his child, I'd be asking someone else to take his place whether he's here or not. You can't rely on a manchild.

Oh OP, I am sorry to hear that he is being such an irresponsible bellend. As you said, this doesn’t bode well. I really would be prepared for him to disappoint you after the birth as well. Time after time after time, men that carry on like this go on to be despairingly unsupportive once the baby arrives. It’s so depressing.

You don’t need a long chat with him:

”Pack a bigger bag, and when you return go straight to your parents”

I did it with DH once, when he wanted to play cricket, when is was DDs 5th Birthday party. I said, as he was packing his cricket bag “put some extra stuff in there, and take it to your mum’s, because I’m not putting up with this shit” .. he didn’t play cricket, and turned to at the party

Raise your bar

If DH had done that when I was having DS, he'd have missed the birth. Not all first babies are late, lots are early!

No, of course he shouldn't go. What a dickhead.

I agree with this. My DH wouldn't have wanted to go when I was pg.