To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

My first came at 36 weeks. Baby could come any day.
its more than that though. Even if baby doesn’t come your heavily pregnant and reliant on him for support in many ways. I hope this isn’t the start of showing you who he is and I speak from experience sadly. He’s behaving like a single man and he needs to put his wife and unborn child before a piss up

We are super chilled re separate hols but that would definitely be too much for me, I would never tell DH he couldnt do something but it would ruin our relationship if he chose to do something like that. He went on stag do abroad when DS2 was 8 weeks (i had 2 yo also) but that was fine but not 2 weeks before. DS1 came exactly on 38 weeks and he nearly died so it would have been unforgivable had he not been there.

He did go for the day to FA cup final 2 days after my c section with DS2 but I had loads of help so it was just about ok. I would have preferred him to have rather have stayed with me than go but we are huge football fans so I do get it. With the team we support it was a 'one off' however crazily it happened again 2 yrs later 🙄

I'm so sorry. I think if he goes to Ibiza you won't want him back in the house TBH.

I don’t know where your husband gained his midwifery qualifications from so that he can tell you that first babies don’t come on time. He is talking out of his rear end. Your baby can make an appearance between 37-42 weeks. If he was looking forward to the birth of his child he wouldn’t want to be away from you at this time. It doesn’t say much about his commitment to you or your child. I would tell him to go and not bother coming back. You are not controlling him, or spoiling his fun. He needs to grow up and think what his priorities are. He is a prick.

Look, men who speak like this both to you and about you (I bet he's told his mates you're "Doing his head in" etc) make shitty husbands and even shittier dads. I gave birth at 38+2 with my first baby so it does happen - you're too close to birth for doing anything now but honestly, ask him how he would feel if he missed the birth. If he hesitates or shrugs you're better off alone.

OP, this is one of the saddest posts I have seen on here. You deserve so much more than this.
its bad enough he is happy to prioritise a piss up over the birth of his child but also unforgivable to leave you to potentially do it all alone. This is not the kind of person I would want to raise any children with.
sending all love and hugs to you, you sound lovely and I’m sure will be a great mum

This. No further discussion - there’s no point. He sounds badly wants to go. Put yourself first and get as much support from your mum and friends as you can. Focus on you and your baby.🪷

@Featureso I would think seriously about going to your mum’s to give birth, especially if you’ve had an unremarkable pregnancy and have no flags for the labour.
Just saying to him, fine, if you’re not that bothered (no antenatal, no reading, no any meaningful prep or adjustment) then I will go and have my mum with me as my birth partner because at least she’ll have my best interests at heart and I won’t have to worry that she’ll dip out halfway through in order to find the cigars, that’s if she’s even in the country. We’ll see you when you get home, maybe.

If you’re married, I would also start seeing solicitors. You don’t have to take anything forward but he needs to know how serious this is. It isn’t a case of going into prison, presumably you both decided to have your baby as a step forward in your lives together? He cannot expect to have all the benefits of fatherhood without being a father, and that starts with how he treats the mother of his child.

Both of mine came at 38 weeks.

Why is he packing tonight if he’s not going for a couple of weeks, especially when he’s going out tonight?

He's not going to Ibiza for work
Your DH was primed to jump on a flight the minute he knew you were in labour.

This Prince hasn't even been to an antenatal class to find out anything about what his wife will be going through or how to support her. He couldn't be bothered.
Is he really going to interrupt his stag do activities to jump on a plane if its the slightest inconvenience to him. And would he be any use if he did turn up for the labour/birth.

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going though.. but at least you have your DM to support you... and it sounds like she will be much better support than your DH. You will get through this, step by step and will soon have your lovely baby in your arms. Let him go to his stupid stag do.. at least you won't have to put up with his manchild sulks. Its entirely his loss... and he doesn't even realise it. More fool him.

‘Trying to ruin his life’?! Wtaf?! Is he 15 and called Kevin? Un fucking believable.

Oh lovey he’s a useless berk. He’s not fit to kiss your boots. Tell your mum everything - she will be steaming mad.

Time to face some big stuff now - you can do what needs to be done, MN vipers are behind you all the way.

Are you using AI to draft your replies here? No judgement, I get it if you're too drained to do it yourself, just curious.

You shouldn't have had to tell him not to go.

Married men going to Ibiza with their mates are not going only for the booze!! This selfish prick is just the type to fully make the most of the freedom!! He's way too excited about going.... and his gaslighting of his poor wife is fairly ramping up to get his own way. Guilt tripping absolutely INFURIATES me!!! OP, this is not right. He's being spectacularly selfish. He's not single. He needs to decide what his priorities are, but sadly he's already showing you.

He’s still going out tonight. Still going to Ibiza unless I “make a massive deal” and “ruin things.” It feels like I’m the one being put on trial. Like it’s somehow unreasonable of me to want him here, to not want to go through this alone, to need him.

This is so dark:

If you "make a massive deal" and "ruin things" he won't go, but he'll make you pay for ruining his trip.

If you don't "make a massive deal" and "ruin things" he'll go, and he'll frame it as your fault that he's gone for not making enough of a big deal about it for his not too

He's a real horror show.

Sounds like a bad indication of what kinda dad he’s gonna be !!

What a pig! I had a very quick labour at 37 weeks with my first. My husband was due to be best man the next day! We had planned on going to the wedding but having a room nearby for me to go and grab an earlier night if needed and he was skipping the booze. As it was we missed the whole thing!

Yes I thought the same, reads like AI

What a pathetic excuse of a man. Let him go, change the locks. Don’t think I’d even bother telling him if I went into labour- imagine him coming back half cut with sunburn. Bet he’d love that as a war story. What a prick. I would not be saying anything to him to encourage or discourage him. I’d just repeat “it’s up to you.”
He should be especially putting you on a pedestal at this time: you have grown and are birthing his first child- it is the greatest thing you can ever do or share with him. If he’s treating you like this at a time so precious and exciting, what will be like during hard times?
FWIW my DH didn’t go away beyond about 6 months. I work in a very male dominated career full of macho guys and my workmates have always been desperately excited and present at home in the weeks before their children are born. 95% of them don’t drink any alcohol beyond about 35 weeks which says a lot considering most of them live down the pub.

OP - you’ve laid out how you feel. Don’t try and make him stay. Quite simply - his decision on whether he goes or not, purely on what you’ve spelled out to him already, gives you the answer to your relationship as a whole.

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been reading through all these messages slowly, and I honestly feel like I’ve just been winded by the sheer volume of it - of care, of anger on my behalf, of truth. And also grief.

hmmm, really?

This won't end with this trip either. He'll just have to wet the babies head when they arrive with his mates, he'll feel trapped having a new baby in the house so will have to escape to the pub every weekend. Couldn't possibly do night feeds as thats your job, childcare...that's womens work too and a lot of nothing to do with him. Clearing his head ffs, what a fool.
Honestly I'd be planning my future away from this gobshite.

Honestly. I'd have the baby, get on good contraception then when the baby is older say 1 or 1.5 leave.