To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

Yes it’s very harsh, and it also illustrates the difference between their two situations.
OP’s body and life has been massively changed already, whereas her dh has experienced no changes at all and thinks his life can continue as it always has. He doesn’t get it.

OP this has been so heartbreaking to read and I can't imagine how you must be feeling going through all of this so close to your due date.
If you feel too uncomfortable to go to antenatal classes alone (or if it's too late now!) I just wanted to recommend the positive birth company hypnobirthing course. I did it with my first and found it really informative and empowering. It's £39 and has videos online that you can watch at your own pace https://thepositivebirthcompany.com/digital-pack
Wishing you all the best.

I haven’t read all of this and but from about 36 weeks my partner stopped drinking in case he needed to drive. He didn’t book work travel for the last few weeks either. With my second I was 100% convinced he’d be overdue like my first. He came 37+4 - not a hint of a warning sign beforehand either. It really can be any moment!

He needs a reality check! Unless he possesses psychic abilities how the hell does he know when your baby will arrive?! Honestly at 38 weeks I was unbearably uncomfortable and needed a lot of help and reassurance. He’s being a complete dick and if I’m honest this would totally turn me off him and not sure I could look past it. He’s prioritising his mates stag do over his partner and unborn child. Would be honestly be ok with potentially missing the birth?

I would ask him just one question. How would he feel if his mother told him that his father was not present at his birth because he had gone on a stag holiday when she was 38 weeks pregnant. How he would view his father for putting his mother in that situation, and how unexcited his father must have been about hi birth to miss being one of the first people to meet him.

That happened to my sister at 34 weeks with her first. Her prenatal group was having a tour of the OB wing when she was being wheeled from her room to visit her son in the NICU a couple of days after she had given birth.

I would tell him that he can go, but if he goes, he should plan to stay with his best mate upon his return. OP will be too busy with her newborn, she doesn’t have time to take care of a man acting like a toddler.

My first came at only just 37 weeks and was in intensive care for nearly a fortnight.
Honestly, if you go into labour when he’s away, tell him to get to fuck and go to your mums for a few weeks while you decide what to do about him.

A very sad read OP.

You'll never be as vulnerable as you are when heavily pregnant, about to deliver your baby and after birth.

You deserve to be looked after and appreciated during these weeks so you can enjoy this precious time.

Another poster has said already but if you need someone to sit with you whilst you wait for your mum - if you are nearby I'd happily support you just as a mother to a mother. I'm sure a lot of women on here would do the same.

Build your own village.

So sorry op. In your shoes I would feel so let down that I wouldn't see him the same way again.

It's wise to draw on othe support around you for the short term.

His first baby is due and all he's bothered about is going to ibiza for a piss up when you'll be 38 weeks pregnant, tells you everything you need to know about his priorities. A man that would risk missing the birth of his child and leaving his heavily pregnant wife is not a good person, it's a selfish arsehole x

@Featureso mumy DH didn’t drink past 32 weeks incase anything happened and we needed to go to hospital. He wouldn’t have even entertained leaving me at that stage!
whwn you updated about him not going to the antenatal classes, that made me so sad for you.

It’s not about missing the birth, it’s about leaving you on your own to get to hospital in labour or if anything is going wrong

I’m so easy going & never have any issues with my husband going on holiday (usually golfing & likewise he never has any issues when I have girly holidays with my mum & sister) however I wouldn’t want him going this close to giving birth whether it was 1st or 21st pregnancy. You just never know when the baby could come, it could be tonight or it could be in 3 weeks but it’s not worth risking the birth & TBH I know my husband wouldn’t want to be abroad this close either

YANBU. You shouldn’t even have to ask him not to go, it should be a given.

Colleague at work just had a little boy at 36 weeks. And this is the second child.

Am I the only one who thinks this has been booked ages? I reckon he thought he could get it past you as a last hoorah (not that it will be)

wheres his family in all this? Any sisters or parents who could talk to him? The other blokes wives? Are you 100% sure that he is going with them and the other wives are chill about it? I would be tempted to reach out to a couple of them so you have their take on it.

Does your mum have room for you at hers?

He has put you in an awful position and he needs to see that.

I’m so angry and hurt for you x

Dear OP, so sorry you are going through this at the most vulnerable time. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are not small, you are absolutely fine, but are being made to feel less than you are, which is so wrong and unfair.
Gently, I doubt that whether your DH goes off to Ibiza or not, he is going to be a suitable birth partner. He has not made himself aware as a responsible adult would, about the birth process and the support you will need, indeed need now. If you get on well with your DM, would she be a good person? You need someone who is strongly supportive and has your back, who you can rely on and can advocate for you. Maybe you have a good friend who may not live close but could come to help you out? Someone you know well and trust would be best. Do tell the midwives your situation with DH and if you don't want him there. Wishing you a good birth experience and joy with your new DC and a happy future. Thinking of you with positive vibes.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry 💐. He's being so unreasonable and selfish.

Having your first baby is one of the most vulnerable and frightening times of your life and if he can't be here for you now then when will he be? It says a lot about what to expect from him as a husband and a father going forward.

I can't believe he would risk missing the birth of his child as well as causing you so much upset and stress just to attend a stag do. You deserve better xx

my first baby came at 38 weeks

OP I'm so glad your mum is coming. Hopefully she will cherish you and make you feel safe and loved which your DH is totally failing to do.
All I would say, and this is by way of hoping things improve in the future, not as an excuse, is that instead of just being a shit, your DH is scared and in denial. We carry our children, we touch them, we talk to them, they are quite literally a part of us before they are born and that love helps us get through bringing them into the world. Some men just don't get it. The baby is just a bump without a real existence until it is born. They have no idea what our bodies and brains go through during pregnancy and cannot empathise.
There is just a chance that when he holds his child for the first time, your DH will regret what he's done.

Oh god OP I’ve just read your updates and you are worth SO much more than this. I am really angry and upset on your behalf!

OP, had to post because I am also 36+5 today, so we have the same due date, although this is second baby for me. I therefore know exactly how you’re feeling, in terms of the pain, discomfort, exhaustion, etc etc. My husband is off work this week and has spent the day today running round after our 2 year old, decorating the nursery, cooking for me, tidying the house, and doing almost all of the childcare - he’s putting her to sleep as I type this. I am in agony with sciatica, am barely sleeping, and our 2 year old is a handful who is constantly demanding things. He can see how much I’m struggling, and he has stepped up in an enormous way to help me as much as possible. He would never, in a million years, contemplate leaving me at 38 weeks to go to a stag do abroad. The thought wouldn’t even enter his head.

I’m not saying any of this to upset you, or as some kind of brag about my husband. I’m saying this because this is what your partner SHOULD be doing. This is what any man SHOULD be doing for his heavily pregnant partner. Please, please, do not settle for anything less. A present and supportive partner is the absolute least you should expect at this point in your pregnancy. The way he’s behaving is despicable. You deserve so much more. Please reach out if there is anything I can do to help, as someone in the same place in her pregnancy as you, I know how essential support is right now.

38 weeks or more counts as full term; it is quite possible your baby will come then. Even if not, you'll be in a physically vulnerable condition. Putting a stag do ahead of his wife and baby isn't great.

When people show you who they are believe them. There's no need to put up a fight for what he sees as his right to go away with his mates. You won't be the first woman to go through labour without a husband or partner Bessie and you won't be the last. He doesn't deserve to be at the birth. Let him be pissed on the Med - singing football tunes and dribbling wee down his leg. What an absolute child. He will need to be tight, cajoled and encouraged at every stage. You will not have the nervy for him. Let him go. X

He’s still going out tonight. Still going to Ibiza unless I “make a massive deal” and “ruin things.” It feels like I’m the one being put on trial. Like it’s somehow unreasonable of me to want him here, to not want to go through this alone, to need him.

Oh OP this is tragic and heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry.