To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

He’s got a damn nerve accusing you of ‘ruining’ things for him (i.e. the stag in Ibiza) when he is ruining what is the most precious and special time in a couple’s life (the arrival of a baby). Snivelling little git.

Unfortunately because he hasn't bothered to go to antenatal classes and educate himself, then he doesn't know it would be completely normal to give birth at 38 weeks. I had my first at 37 weeks and had him in just over 4 hours from my first twinge, so it defintely wouldn't have been enough time to get back from Ibiza on an early flight.
Let your Mum look after you for now, sending hugs your way 🤗

Possible your daughter went into labour as soon as you got there because she felt safe and protected and looked after as soon as you got there. x

Yanbu.
My first came at 36w.

OP I know this is probably minor at the moment but I did an online antenatal class, so other than introductions, I never saw the other people. Don't let his behavior make you miss out on doing this if you want to do the class - it'll be so useful and I found it reassuring that I did know some stuff already. I did the class through Now Baby but there must be other providers so you can find one that fits for you.

Give the ultimatum OP! If ever there was a time it is justified, this is it. His reaction/response will tell you everything you need to know x

Accusing you of ruining his life genuinely sounds like something a 14 year old would say. It's utterly pathetic. Best of luck with having a conversation with him later on.

When your child asks him where their Dad was when they were born a few days early.....

I know more first babies born early (from 24 - 36 weeks) than I know who were late.

You could give birth at any time. He is being an absolute idiot. In my NCT class all the babies were early (from 5 weeks to a couple of days early) bar mine, who was born at 40+4.

Unfortunately this is about so much more than Ibiza, as you've realised. I'm so, so sorry you've ended up in this situation.

I would suggest you tell your mum everything and look at moving back home for the birth. Tell your midwife too, she will want to support you. When he's away use that time to start getting your ducks in a row, legal advice, gathering copies of documents and financial information etc. That gives you options.

Even if he is in the UK when you give birth, you need a supportive birth partner and it sounds like that's your mum.

No don't. As then he'll use it against you forever. I'd say no more about the trip. Let your mum look after you. Leave him to what he wants to do. If he misses the birth he has to live with that. When you're in labour I doubt you'll notice if he's there or not, it's just how your body and mind can go. You're focussed on just one thing.

Just asked my husband about this and he said he'd think any of his friends who went on holiday to Ibiza or anywhere with friends and left his 38 week pregnant partner at home alone was an absolute selfish prick.

I know his type as well. If you put your foot down and tell him not to go and don't go into labour you will NEVER hear the end of him saying "see I could have gone and nothing would have happened." When it's not even about that, he shouldn't want to leave his heavily pregnant partner he should want to be with you looking after you. He shouldn't make you feel like you're not as important as a "lads holiday" 🤮. He's in his thirties, he needs to grow the fuck up quite frankly. You and the baby deserve better. And of course he's fucked off to the pub leaving his upset, pregnant partner alone.

@Featureso Forget about the baby. A 34 year old man going to Ibiza is embarrassing.

What a prat. Who the hell prioritises a stag do over being there for their child's birth? The best outcome would be if, after his child is born, he realises how much he loves them and is mortified he even considered missing their birth. But sadly there's no guarantee that'll happen.

So he’s going out drinking tonight now, too? He’s obviously completely taken the gloves off and has realised he can do what he wants with no consequences. Prove him wrong by bagging up his stuff and telling him to stay elsewhere.
If you don’t make a stand now, he’s going to do whatever he wants forever.
Although, tbh you’re better off just ending it completely as he sounds like a waste of skin.

Horrid post. The girl needs support and kindness.

Yes, he will make your life more of a misery than it already is, if he stays here & your baby isn’t born early.
Go to your Mothers. Return when you are stronger. Get rid of him now to save more unnecessary horribleness in the future.
I think virtually 100% of posters support you. We are incensed on your behalf.

He doesn’t care if you go into labour early, he wants to go out with his mates pissing it up.

My first child came at 37 + 6 so they can absolutely come early! It's way too close to your due date, what a selfish idiot!

How awful OP, but sounds like you’ve seen his true colours, better now than later . I’d be telling him not to come back to the house after his Ibiza trip and slinging all his stuff out . Build your village to support you - as he won’t very sadly . It’ll be awfully hard and your dreams are shattered but you’ll rise up stronger. You and your baby deserve better than him .

It’s mostly about the cadence. And, the XY statements: "While X may be true, it’s important to remember that Y.”
“In a world where X, Y becomes essential.”
“It’s not just about X — it’s about Y.”

Also, lots of “And honestly? …” Or similar.

Often lots of em dashes. I’m sure there’s loads more identifiers, but those are the main ones.

My NCT group (all first time mothers) were all due in May and the first baby arrived in March.

The others were all late, but no-one could have predicted which would be early.

Another friend had an emergency C section after developing pre-eclampsia in about week 38.

I wouldn't be impressed. Tbh whether he went or not, the fact I had to force him to stay would be a big problem for me.

On the whole I'd let him go and have my best friend on standby for the birth. But if the baby came whilst he was away I would also struggle to forgive him, and if it didn't I'd also struggle to forgive him if he said anything approaching "told you so".

Make otger arrangements fir birthing support, then tell him if you go.into labour he won't be informed until he gets back, he will miss out on the most important experience of your lives together. If he chooses to go, he doesn't deserve you or the baby imo

You have a baby on the way and one adult baby who wants what he wants. You can't really tell any adult or adult baby what to do. They will do what they want.Or resent you for it and it gets thrown back in your face later. Your partner doesn't sound mature. These red flags we tend to ignore and hope it gets better or someone will change. They usually don't. When someone shows you who they are in actions. Believe them the first time.
Really look at how he treats you in other ways. Is it worth sticking with him if hes good to you or are they ways he treats you poorly. You don't have to act on it. Just pay attention to his actions. Not what he says.
You can express your feelings about him leaving you at such a critical time. And explain how you feel if he were to miss the birth. You partner is making a choice to put his needs above the child. He can choose to do this. But you have a right to react to it how you like. What ever happens or you choose to do. Try to retain some of your own peace and avoid drama if you can. Focus on the baby and your health and safety. Getting you home ready for the baby and any support you. can access in any way you need. Ensure you at least have a reliable person such as a family or friend to help if needed if he chooses to go. Always have a back up plan should the relationship go pair shaped. Such as your own bank act or a credit union , he has no access to with savings and maintain good friends and contacts should you need to leave for any reason. Manipulating you that it is normal for the partners to leave their heavily pregnant partner isn't real. Its just what he wants to do. Of course his mates might agree with him. They want him to go.

i had my first at 37 + 1.

tell him to ask your midwife if he should go. I'd love to see the reaction.

I was in the same position OP but with a newborn, ex-DP went out all the time leaving me alone and ill. I remember feeling so vulnerable and embarrassed. I wish I’d told people the truth sooner because it was much easier having real support when people realised I was alone than trying to pretend everything was ok. Please lean on the women in your life and talk to your midwife. FWIW if a colleague, or even an acquaintance or neighbour was in this position I’d want to help them and would have no problem driving them to hospital or being around if they needed help