To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I also went into labour exactly at 38 weeks with my first. It’s way too close to chance being in another country. I can’t imagine anyone thinking this would be ok

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I fear it's only going to get worse when the baby is born.

You have my sympathies, but the fact that this was clearly written by ChatGPT makes me doubt its veracity.

Honestly OP I think just let him go.

You want him there because you want his support. He's not going to be able to support you because he only cares about himself. You unfortunately know now that he would only be there because "you forced him" and not because he wants to be and cares about you and that will make it nearly impossible for you to feel supported even if he's there.

Have your mum with you.

You sound as though you're going to be a wonderful caring mum. You've got this!

I'm so sorry your H turned out to be like this.

OP my darling dry your tears now. Eat and go put your feet up. YOU have a job to do very soon and YOU need to be strong. I would suggest on reflection that he knows how you feel you don't need to say and do anything more. Just concentrate on you and let him be..he has made himself irrelevant. He stays or goes fuck him either way from here on in until you get that beautiful baby in your arms all you need to do is look after you. It will take a lot of willpower but don't ever underestimate yourself. xx

Oh god op just read your responses I’m so sorry. So uncaring and awful. Hell would have frozen over before Dh did that. He sat for ages in the car according to mum so the minute he could leave to get access to the ward he was off. And with your first you really really need good support Dh was a rock when it all went wrong and had emergency c section. I remember seeing him crying about it. This idiot sounds like he hasn’t grasped the gravity of it. Sodding Ibiza isn’t going anywhere. How could he want to party at this stage? I don’t know him but I hate him.

Hasn't this guy told any of his many friends he's about to have a baby? I can't imagine that not a single one has said he needs to stay home, that the birth of his child is an incredible experience he shouldn't risk missing, that no man should leave his wife when she really needs him.

I suspect he checked out of being a husband and father months ago, when he decided not to bother with ante-natal classes. When he decided not to bother informing himself. When he booked the stag weekend, which was earlier than he's told you, OP.

Some people have mentioned how, on witnessing the birth itself, some non-committal men suddenly got it and became devoted (and slightly less self-obsessed) fathers. I've known this happen quite often, but that was 40 years ago when there was far less public information and people didn't really talk about "women's things". Your husband wasn't even born then; he'd have to have made quite an effort to avoid knowing anything about pregnancy, childbirth and fatherhood throughout his lifetime.

Also, the birth was not an epiphany for all men. Some found it "off-putting". They became useless husbands and inadequate fathers. While I think it's worth trying to rope his friends and family into ensuring he is here for the birth of his first child, in hopes that he will suddenly get it, I wouldn't bank on his being there in much of a way for you and your child. Ensure you feel safe and calm(ish) for now. Wishing you an easy birth and smooth recovery.

Please, OP, be fully honest with your mother. You desperately need support, and from your more recent posts, sounds like you've been carrying too much solo for some time.

Honestly, for me, this would be breaking point. It's not just the utter staggering stupidity and selfishness of wanting to leave an extremely pregnant wife, potentially missing the birth of his child - although that would be enough. But the cruel (arguably abusive) emotional manipulation, making you feel as if you're being a controlling, hysterical shrew, rather than a pregnant woman who will be at full term when he wants to fuck off and get drunk - it's pretty unforgivable.

His mates are fucking scumbags too. If his best mate had any decency, he'd have either:

• Held his stag do much earlier, when his best mate's missus wasn't at full term

• If it needed to be at the planned date, he should have held a stag do near to the OP's home, and making it very clear that her 'DH' wasn't to get drunk.

• Accepted with grace that his best mate can't attend, because HIS WIFE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.

I don't know OP, and I think that I give more of a shit about her (and her baby's) welfare than her actual husband and father of the child.

I'm wondering if he's actually trying to get you to break up with him so that he appears less of a bad guy...

Very off topic but I often see people saying stuff is clearly written by Chat GPT...how do you tell? **

I’m so so chill about DH doing things/ going away with mates etc but absolutely would have never had him out of the country when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Nor would he have booked it. Please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are the problem here. You are not. It is not unreasonable to want the father of your child to be there for the delivery in this day and age ffs! Particularly for first baby!!

for what it’s worth, our first baby arrived at 38+2 and was born 6 hours after the very first sign of labour. So not enough warning to return from Ibiza.

I've read all of your posts @Featureso and I'm appalled at his behaviour, he's worked very hard to pretend your pregnancy isn't really happening and that you're being a killjoy. I'm sorry to be blunt Op but he doesn't really want this DC, he wants to go on doing as he likes, he wants to pretend he's young, free and single because any decent man would make an effort, they'd learn about childbirth and childcare, he just wants to leave it all with you. Let him go, don't shield him, tell your Mum everything and his as well because frankly you and your baby will be better off without this utter loser

I gave birth @38 weeks with my first 🙃

he’s being selfish.

He's calling you controlling and paranoid because you don't want him to potentially miss out on the birth of his first child?!
Yanbu!
This is a selfish boy response, not a man about to become a father. I hope for both your sakes it's just a blip in the worry and stress that babies bring with them.

This is so sad, you guys should be in your happiest moments excitedly discussing baby, sharing and alleviating your worries etc. I'm actually quite concerned you've not gone to antenatal classes? They are a wealth of knowledge that help you prepare for the birth and life with a newborn, and usually give you your first mummy friends to share the crazy journey of maternity leave with. I'm still friends with many of mine 10 years on. You're missing so many exciting firsts due to a selfish and immature partner. Maybe the baby's arrival will be the wake-up call he needs to change his attitude. I have everything crossed things will work out ok.

I hate to tell you this but by that time you could be home with a newborn. Its not at all a good time.

I saw a meme last week with a fetus in utero holding a calendar and laughing. Of course I can't find it today.

OP in birth you definitely need someone who has your back, will advocate for you and help you.
Your DH by his words and actions is none of the above. The fact that he doesn't want to do antenatal classes or even bother to read about how to care for a baby is very telling. Would bet quite a sum that baby will arrive and suddenly he's too tired or he has work in the morning so can't help you with baby and everything falls down to you.

I have a friend like this we watch from the sidelines as her friends as she makes excuse after excuse for her useless husband.

As for birth have someone who will actually support you and midwives are brilliant.

Quite simply this isn't about a stag do it's about selfish actions.
My DH went on sports holiday when I was 35 weeks pregnant with DS2 - difference was we discussed it well in advance of it being booked. I arranged to stay with my parents and given the crap year he had with multiple family deaths he did need the trip and I was fully supported with both DS1 and being heavily pregnant.

This is so disappointing, and I understand how you feel. And really, at his age, he should be mature enough to actually step back and think, 'My heavily pregnant partner is anxious about this, so it's an absolute no-go'.

It should not matter whether you are right, or wrong to be anxious. (You're not wrong - I had 2 babies at 37 and 38 weeks). What matters is that you are the mother of his child, about to give birth and want him around for support at this point in time.

Not in Ibiza.

Full term is 37 weeks. Possibly the baby will already be here before the stag party then he won't be going anywhere, and if he does, it's over.

This made me so sad to read. Instead of getting excited and nervous together about the big change coming to your family you’re having to be scared and stressed wondering why the person that should be supporting you isn’t. Even if baby doesn’t come early I think you will need counselling to rebuild trust as I am not sure I would want to be vulnerable in postpartum with a newborn with someone so unsupportive.
The last few weeks are so tiring and your carrying all of the load so to speak so it sounds like your husband is too immature and selfish to be a dad or a husband at the
moment without some serious therapy!
Wishing you a happy healthy baby and safe delivery!

What a horrible man he is. Poor you and poor baby being lumbered with a father who doesn’t care about them, even before they’re born.

Totally agree but that question is aimed to make him think about both of those things.

NHS says at 37 weeks baby could come at any time. Show him that. If he insists on going, you insist he has a realistic plan to get home pronto, regardless of expense, if you go into labour while he is away.

Even if it is ChatGPT it doesn't mean it's not true just that the OP had assistance writing it

He's let you down when you needed him. You've found out that you can't depend on him. I'm so sorry, OP, this must be devastating because he's completely pulled the rug from under you here.

What a shit excuse for a man. Genuinely what is the point of a husband if he can't even support you at the end of a pregnancy. He might as well just fuck off permanently. Don't let him at the birth, no matter when it happens.

I’m so sorry OP. These last few days should be such a magical cosy time, mentally preparing, eating curries, watching box sets.

I’m utterly disgusted by this horrible little man. Enjoy your beautiful baby when it arrives. Think carefully about what to do with this weasel of a man.

The option to head to your parents and transfer your maternity care is still wide open.