To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

That's fair enough, but I do think that although your partner was awful, this is another level.
I'm glad things got better for you, though.

I agree.

Also, if these really are true friends this won't be the last ever opportunity to go on holiday with them, and they will understand why he can't do a 4 day stag.

His prioritisation of a long weekend over the birth of his child is really odd.

Oh my GOD I have just read your last couple of updates.

I am seething on your behalf. This is grade A CUNT behaviour. How dare he imply that you’re being dramatic. I’m sure you despise him right now and rightfully so.

Honestly, fuck him. I would be encouraging him to go at this point. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me nor at the birth. He’s has ruined it.

He’s a DOUCHE of the highest order. I bet you feel sick even looking at his nonchalant ugly fucking face.

It’s one year of your life, it’s not the end of the world to miss one stag given all the sacrifices pregnant women make. Can they change the date? I would put the decision on him, ask him how he would feel to miss the birth of his first child. You are not being unreasonable at all. My first baby came with no warning at 37+1, totally normal pregnancy, same happened to 3 out of 6 of us in our antenatal class, early bubs with no warning.

You shouldn’t have to “tell” him he can’t go. He should have been able to realise this for himself

First came at 35 weeks and 1 day...

I've read most of the thread - has anyone else pointed out that if he's going this weekend and only told the OP about it this week, there's NO WAY it's only just been booked. He's known for weeks at least.

It’s both of your decision to have a baby. If your best friend was having a stag do in Ibiza when you are 38 weeks pregnant then you wouldn’t dream of going. Why is it different for him. You’re either in this together or you’re in for a difficult time as co parents.

First came a37 weeks quite suddenly too second 35 weeks so it’s a no from me.

Actually also got eye rolled by my family for refusing a weekend away with them for a big birthday at 37 weeks. Was vindicated when my waters broke dramatically that exact weekend.

I’m so sorry to read this OP. Nothing to say that’s not been said but we are all behind you! And tell your mum everything.

Yeah, I think a few posters finally twigged to this a couple of pages ago.

If he is packing now for 10 days’ time, he’s really rubbing it in. Unless I don’t understand the OP’s timings over the 36/38 weeks?? I know a couple of other posters don’t either.

At 38 weeks my bump touched the steering wheel!

Tell him that you will never forget this

OP I am so sorry. I went into labour with our first and only at 38+5. No signs prior at all, waters broke all in one. We had another in our antenatal class born at 38+2, within 3 hours labour (again first baby).

It's easy to feel in pregnancy like you are the emotional / hormonal one so I just want to make clear: you are not being dramatic, unreasonable, selfish, catastrophising, overreacting, controlling, nor paranoid. It is completely reasonable in late pregnancy to want your partner close by and want them to spend lots of time at home with you.

Partners should want to stay close by; to help you and to prepare the home and you and themselves. And yes, the birth of your child and supporting your heavily pregnant wife matters much much more than a stag do. My DH didn't want to be a one hour drive away after 35 weeks - I don't say that to make you feel bad but to show what is normal/healthy.

As men are homosocial and he won’t pay much attention to female replies by the sound of him

my husband is horrified by what he is doing

I agree with all of what everyone is saying. My ex prioritised all kinds of other stuff over me and my daughter in the lead up to and directly after the birth when we had to stay in hospital for a few days (she was at 36 weeks btw) and never did a single antenatal class or anything else so I totally understand what it feels like to be in this position. I get your DH probably feels like everything is going to change when the baby comes and maybe is scared, but reality is that within weeks or months he will be going back out with his mates and on weekends away with them etc. He will NEVER get a chance to experience the birth of his first child again. To risk missing it is insane. To let the woman he loves struggle alone or feel worried while he is away, even if you don't go into labour, is not the actions of a loving husband. Sadly things with my ex only got worse after the birth, and I was a single mum from the time she was about 2. She is 15 now. I have got remarried to a lovely man, and although we never had children together I now realise what kind, loving men are like - my DH now would never have prioritised all the stuff my ex thought was reasonable. Your DH is not only being unreasonable going away, he is being an arsehole blaming it on you if he stays. That's the bit that makes me really angry on your behalf, that he can't just admit its a risk he is prepared to take and say sorry, but that he has made you feel like its somehow your fault he is being a dick when you are at a very physically and emotionally vulnerable time. Sending you huge hugs.

I met a lot of really shit fathers, thanks to work. However, I never met even 1, who didn't prioritise being there for the birth of their child. So glad you've got your mum OP.

I'm not sure there's much point, the damage is done. I'm so sorry OP, I wish you weren't in this situation. Thank god your mother is coming to be with you.

Having been pregnant once, and at the time with a DH who told me I had "ruined his life" too for even considering having the child (I didn't in the end), I completely understand how helpless and vulnerable you feel.

There is nothing quite like Nature for stripping away the social veneer and making us see that we are little animals who need basic care at times like this. When it's just not there, it's such a lonely desperate feeling and I don't think you ever come back from having seen him in that light.

My daughter was born at 38 weeks, it’s too close. Just echoing what others have said tbh, he sounds horrid. He’s either going to miss the stag but hold it against you which will suck, he’ll go and pull hi into labour and he’ll miss it which will suck, or he’ll go, you won’t go into labour and he’ll Lord it over you that he was ‘right’. He’s the kind of knob where you can’t win.

Helltotheno, my husband would not be going to ibiza full stop. Call me controlling if you wish, but nahhhhhhh way. That stops when your married with children 💅

I've not read the full thread but I saw some replies after the last OP update saying if he doesn't go and baby doesn't come he'll always use it against you. Sadly I agree. The fact that going anywhere so close to the due date even crossed his mind tells you all you need to know. 😢

I’d say beware. This behaviour isn’t acceptable. My now ex refused to pack a hospital bag for himself (resulting in leaving me in active labour for over an hr), moaned we had to do an nct class on the weekend before his birthday, left me to deal with all the nights alone and acted hard done by that our child affected his life. He even refused to go on holiday when child was a baby as it wouldn’t be a holiday for him if he couldn’t have long lunches abs drink lots of wine. Unfortunately fatherhood can turn some men into kids themselves. This side of him had not been obvious in the previous 15 years I’d been with him. It didn’t end well either

I'm sure I'm not the first to say my first baby didn't come on time - he came two weeks early via emergency section. My h would have been gutted to miss the birth and especially for the sake of a stag do. Not that he would have gone. He'd already stopped drinking just in case.

My first came at 37 weeks (almost in b&q 🤣🤣) if my DH was in ibiza getting g wrecked, he would never ever have met his daughter.
What a Prince.

This guy hasn't stepped up at all during the pregnancy.

He can't be bothered to go to antenatal classes when he's obviously completely ignorant about pregnancy and labour and delivery. He can't be bothered to read up on what to expect.

He's a know nothing prioritizing partying in a foreign country over being present for his very pregnant wife who could deliver any day or hopefully not, have complications.

He's 34. There's no excuses.