To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I’m so sorry, OP. It must be heartbreaking. I’m so glad your mum is coming so you can have a hug.

Re your DH, I think you need to make sure that he knows exactly how you feel. I’ve found in the past that writing it out in a text can help me organise my thoughts and make sure all my feelings and thoughts are communicated without interruption or emotion (I can cry very easily over certain topics!).

I would say that it is clear that he has made his choice and that has genuinely changed how you see him. It is the must vulnerable time in your life and he has chosen not to be there for you. That he has a lot of work to do making up for this but you genuinely don’t know if you’ll ever get over it. Because it’s not who you thought he was. That he has prioritised his friends and his own selfish needs over yours and his unborn child and you now fear that this is just a sign of things to come. It’s not who you thought he was. Tell him that this is the biggest moment of your life and you don’t understand how he can feel differently. Because he must - he’s happy to miss it. His life being ruined should be if he missed the birth of his child.

I would stress that he can pretend to himself that your mum being here lets him off the hook but surely he knows deep down that he’s let you down and the only person you and your child want at the birth is him. And of course, he might come back from his weekend and not miss the birth but by going he has let you down when you needed him most and that’s not something you’ll get over any time soon. He can say that other women wouldn’t care (maybe you should show him this!) but the only thing he needs to know is that you care. At this stage in life, that should matter more than anything.

Basically, I’d find a way to make it really clear that whether the baby comes or not, the way he has handled this and his decision to go has totally changed how you see him and it’s not something you’ll be forgiving him for anytime soon. And the reason all of this makes him feel bad is not your fault, he’s just feeling guilty because he knows it’s the wrong choice.

I also want to stress that you are so much stronger than you know. For starters, you are growing a whole beautiful baby! That’s incredible. And when your child gets here, you’ll be amazed at how empowering it can feel. Sh*tty DH behaviour will just show you how much you don’t need them. If they help you feel strong and are good dads, they’re irreplaceable, but if not, you are all you need to absolutely ace parenting. Men can be frustratingly slow to realise the reality of having a baby so I’m not saying this is the end. But he needs to know that his life changed the moment you guys got pregnant and he needs to grow up and catch up with the new order. He is there to support you whilst you do almost all the hard work.

THIS 👆
If you go to Ibiza then the locks will be changed and you won't be getting through the front door mate 🔑

@WimbyAce OP said she couldn’t reach the pedals

Thing is the damage is done now! The fact that he even thought it was ok is not acceptable. As for going off blowing off steam tonight! He needs to grow up. He’s about to become a father.

This needs to be a line in the sand moment for your relationship. Just think five years from now when you have two kids with fevers and sickness and he fucks off out to clear his head and blow off steam!

He’s still going out tonight. Still going to Ibiza unless I “make a massive deal” and “ruin things.”

So selfish & nasty?

Honestly I'd be tempted to just not be there when he gets back from Ibiza!

This is one of those relationship events that is not recoverable.

You're having his first child. His diary should be clear. No plans know nothing.His life should be revolving around you.And when the baby could arrive and what you need.

If he doesn't, then I don't see how the relationship can survive.

My god, please find your anger here. Your partner is treating you awfully. Im so sorry to say this as I know you're feeling vulnerable and fragile but this would be a marriage ender for me because of how dismissive and manipulative he is being.
Please tell your mum everything and take a good look at him. You shouldn't be feeling so alone in a marriage.

I just wanted to send hugs. And it’s pretty clear that this baby is going to have an awesome mum. Whatever happens, you are going to be strong and amazing. You deserve better.X

He will have some brass neck on him if he can face your mum, I bet she is disgusted with him too. I know what my mum would do and say and it wouldn't be pretty!

I am so sorry you're in this situation. But I'd start seriously considering your options. If he is happy to ditch you at probably the most vulnerable time in your life, it doesn't bode well for your future. He is showing you that he is immature, selfish and has very little care for anyone but himself. This is not a man who cares deeply about his wife and unborn child.

100% agree

Lots of airlines don't let you book into a flight where the gates have already opened or a few hours

The poster doesn't have a clue where OP lives- there could only be one flight to/from ibiza a week to their closest airport - the one where he presumably left the car if he drove!

Finding a space on a flight to Heathrow is no good if he then has to somehow travel another 8 hours by public transport to Edinburgh or Cornwall!

Not to mention the cost of a last minute flight etc when most people with half a braincell (which is still one more than that poster) will be saving money for the cost of a new baby with OP off work!

I was in a similar situation and we compromised and he went for 1 night and arranged his own flights etc. i stayed with family for the night and had a nice relaxing evening with my feet up (it wasn’t Ibiza though) he was the best man so I didn’t object to him going but he didn’t want to be away longer than 1 night) he is a great husband and amazing dad by the
way and I didn’t have the baby whilst he was away.

Well since he doesn't give a fuck, why not go and stay with a friend or your mum's right now, until further notice. I mean after all, it's "all a bit much" - suit yourself dude, but can't have it both ways.

Honestly, take the pregnancy stuff out of it, he just doesn't sound very engaged in the relationship or with you. He sounds like a big man-child who isnt fully committed to any of it. It's a massive shame that youre only really seeing his true colours now.

I think, as others have said, let him decide what he does. Say youre not going to stop him, he needs to decide what he thinks is right. If he does choose to go, the relationship would be over for me.

Good luck op xx

I'm probably going to get slated for this ... So I just want to make it clear I'm not defending your DP as he's being a complete idiot.

But I did notice you said he's usually a good bloke / good partner. I think some blokes can be pretty detached during their partner's pregnancy as they're not "excited" in the same way as the mum, they just feel worried about how their life is going to change. I think when baby is actually born it's different and many men (though not all sadly) will suddenly realise they have an actual baby and really step up.

I think my partner was a bit like this before our babies were born but once they were here he adored them and was a great dad (though of course we had the usual niggles in the early days making sure we both got a "fair" amount of sleep etc).

I also think men can be very factual and black and white and he might not realise the actual probability of you going into labour at 38 weeks. I would quote the 25% chance at him, as noted by the male poster earlier.

By all means tell him he's being an unsupportive dick right now - I just think don't let this thread push you into doing anything drastic in terms of your relationship, as he may well step up once baby arrives.

Disgusting and pathetic excuse. What a man child. What a shame you didn't find him out sooner. However, its not too late, you sound strong and will absolutely be a better parent without him. Don't have him back, you and the baby deserve so much better. I'd be embarrassed if I was one of his friends.

@DisappearingGirl he's not just "detached", which is inexcusable and would be bad enough. It's his treatment of her over this. His accusations and his nastiness.

Oh OP I’m so sorry to read all of this.

Needless to say he is being breathtakingly selfish AND shortsighted. Even if the baby doesn’t come until you’re 40 weeks, that’s irrelevant! You still need help and support and to feel protected. He is doing none of this and it’s beyond hurtful.

as others have pointed out at the moment you’re in a lose/lose situation because if he doesn’t go he’ll have a shitty attitude about it and then if you don’t have the baby he will never let you forget it.

none of his behaviour sounds like he is mature enough or even remotely excited about the prospect of parenthood. It’s all about him and how much freedom he's going to lose. It’s just awful.

That’s also relying on him bothering to even really look at his phone while his away from prison home.

Unbelievably selfish. And to turn it round on you, ruining his life? Get a grip idiot. I had DS2 at 38wks. Yes my first went to 39+5 (and same for my 3rd) but plenty do come earlier, or you could get pre-eclampsia / high BP etc. Yes your mum can come (thank God for mums) but he seems pretty chilled about missing the birth.

Guarantee if he stays home, he will he making countless comments how he could have gone. What a horrible thing to do. Sorry OP, you sound lovely and deserve so much better.

I don't understand all these posts saying OP must tell her DH exactly how he feels or tell him not to go. The damage is done. The fact that he not only considered going but booked it without consulting OP first and has accused OP of trying to ruin his life by raising her justified concerns is enough.

He's willing to take the gamble of missing the birth or your child or not being there in the event you become unwell or even just to support you in late pregnancy for a few days drinking with his mates in Ibiza.

He's planning to be on a 4 day bender so he's not even going to be sober to get himself home if he needed to be.

He's willing to take the gamble, he's shown you that in his list of priorities you and his child are below having a good time and his friends. I don't see how you come back from that.

OP don't beg him to stay and don't tell him not to go, not only because you're worth more than that but also because you shouldn't have to. He is unfortunately showing you who he is, and if this is any indication I fear you're going to be mostly left on your own to raise this baby even if the marriage survives this. Personally if it were me, I'd let him go and when he gets back home I'd ask him to leave and say you need some time and space away from him. Now isn't the time to make any big and life changing decisions, you're vulnerable and full of hormones, wait for a few weeks after baby has arrived and if you want to reconcile at that point that's when I'd consider it but I think you'll rightly, find it difficult to move past or forgive this.

Would you manage financially OP? If you moved closer to your mum and left him?

I do understand that, just wanted to share in case it was helpful for op to read anyway.

Yes, he won't be looking at his phone when he's drunk and watching some tacky bar show.

I know this is little consolation and we will probably never meet but you do have all of us on here. We’re like an army of strong women who’ve got your back.