To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

What a ridiculous comparison, I'm sorry.

There's a massive difference between working abroad and needing to make adjustments like pre-booking flights just in case of an emergency, and heading abroad for a stag do.

I'm sorry, but there is such a gulf between the two scenarios that it's ridiculous to even mention it.

Yes he definitely sounds like the sort to sulk and be all "I told you so" if baby doesn't arrive that weekend.

So sorry OP. This should and still can be a magical time for you. It's a horrible realisation that the person you should be able to trust at such a huge time on all your lives, is putting something so menial before you.

I personally would try not to stop him going. If he gives a fuck, he'll do the right thing. If he doesn't decide off his own back to stay home, I'd see if your mum can come and stay.

Think very carefully about your future with this man. So many of us here are speaking from frank experience. Very often men are very willingly involved in the beginning and then show their tru colours later. To be so indifferent and self absorbed so early on speaks absolute volumes about this man. He isn't going to cope with being a father.

In my experience a family emergency (my side of the family) stopped my husband getting to attend a football parade thing when his team had won a cup. That whole day I had nothing but grief from him and jibes about how he is missing out, ruining his life etc etc. It totally changed my thoughts on him after 15 years together, knowing where his priorities lie. I’m not sure I will be with my pathetic man-child husband much longer. Wishing you all the best x

A baby born at 38 weeks is a term baby.

It's a completely normal time to be born and it happens every day, even in first pregnancies.

For reference, I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant (not first pregnancy though)

My husband is about to fly abroad for a week to visit his brother who's got cancer.

Its okay with me under these special circumstances, but I told him that he has to come home straight away if anything happens with the baby while he's away.

I would never allow it for a stag do.

I agree. Stop being a martyr and tell him if he goes ahead with the stag do it's going to be a very clear red line he's crossed and you will be considering your next steps with him very carefully.

That you may not put his name on the birth certificate.

And that he is ruining your life by putting you through this when you are physically in a very precarious situation with a new baby on the way, about to give birth. God he's a complete cunt OP. Sorry but the level of selfishness if off the charts.

I'd go in and in a very quiet voice, read the riot act and tell him, all bets are off if he goes ahead. This is not what you married or signed up for and if he can't dig deep and find a more mature and responsible gear in his body, he's not what you want long-term.

He's putting his fun before your physical, emotional and mental health. And the new baby too.

Sorry you have to deal with this unexpected turn of events.
He wants to behave like a single man on a lad’s holiday.
This mentality is no good for you or your baby. He’s cooked his goose.
Tell him you’ve lost all respect for him. Ensure you can support yourself & child in the coming months/years. Unless a miracle happens he may well prove to be inadequate as a husband & father.
Keep your dignity. Use your energy on the coming birth. He is not worth the angst.
Treat him with the contempt he deserves.

I'd let him make his own decision on this. That way, you'll know exactly where you are on his list of priorities. If he asks, just say "you know my feelings".

He wants you to be all breezy with him like going off on a binge party so close to birth is perfectly ok.

He's already starting the DARVO tactics playing the victim and having his life ruined if he misses this one time drunken event.

I think this was his life moment of step up and be an adult who takes care of his family but instead he is choosing to fuck off on a 4 day drunken scene. He's already flunked his life test.

He's already shown he will blame you if he stays. He would rather drink with a friend he's not even that close with than stay around to support his pregnant wife. He should be cherishing you and trying to reduce your stress rather than cause you so much. But from now on, he doesn't count in the scheme of things. You are going to be getting yourself through birth with your mom to help

I'm pretty independent but very late pregnancy, yes, I wanted my husband there most of the time. It's such a a vulnerable time. You're not small or pathetic for expecting that he step up for you and be present. But he isn't that man. He's a boy in a man's body.

Unfortunately it seems to happen a lot. You think you have a good guy then a baby comes along and you realise they are actually selfish dick heads.

Hang in there, OP. You sound like such a lovely person and wherever it all goes from here, you will find the strength to deal with it, and support will come from quarters you can’t even imagine at this point. One of my friend’s husbands was so hungover during her first (full-term) labour that he asked her if he could lie on the bed for a bit, and duly did so. The midwife was appalled and made him get up again. I thought it was a funny story at the time and so did my friend. But now I’m older and it breaks my heart that we’re required to by some men to be “cool wives” and accept so little from them, as if that’s a progressive relationship.

I'm a man, and my initial gut reaction was to be on his side. But "38 weeks" doesn't convey a lot to me. I asked Google what the probability was that a woman who was 38 weeks pregnant would give birth in the following 4 days, and it said 25%, which was far, far, very far higher than I thought. So I've changed sides. Does he know the probability?

He needs to grow up. There is no way my husband would dream of leaving me for a stag do at 38 weeks pregnant.

Why was your gut reaction to be on his side, @RetiredMan ? I'm genuinely interested.
Did you not think he should support his wife in late pregnancy?

OP I am so sorry you are facing this when you are so vulnerable. I would show him up terribly with no hesitation by casually mentioning to the grandparents to be on both sides his plans and how he is behaving.See if they agree with his bloody stupid ideas. You are scared its natural, we have all been there having a baby, he should be relishing looking after you and making sure you and him as a family are ready for your new baby to appear. The pressure he is putting on you is awful frankly.
Tell him to go and have fun,you will manage I promise you. We ladies become lions when we have children, we change and we protect at any cost, so you will be ok,yes,tell him to go but tell him not to expect to come back ever. He is blowing everyones lives apart but he can't see it..show him...Let him live with his decisions on his own,no you ,no baby. He doesnt deserve it the stupid man child he is. YOU on the other hand will grow and flourish you will surprise yourself how strong you will become.

Op, this twat and man child has shown you where you and the baby are on his list of priorities. The bottom.

He is not father or partner worthy

He is showing you who he is and also that hes not interested in the baby, if he misses the birth you will leave him you will have no choice, and whats he going to get up to over there on his last fling before having his wings clipped! Can you imagine if he was having major stomache surgery for cancer and on the day he was due home from hospital you said im going to spain for the weekend im having some fun gonna flirt with some guys and let off steam, you will cope for gods sake your mates coming to look after you what more do you want!!

You and baby are worth way more than this, OP.

YANBU. He is fucking this up.

All this. Don't make the mistake of being the martyr.
Don't wait for him to realise that he wants to be with you or cut your nose off to spite your face saying if he doesn't want to be there you don't want him there. Say what he needs to do, and say it with confidence that you are right to expect him to do it.

OP I’m so, so sorry. I’m sitting here with my 3 month old and know exactly how you feel about your partner going away when you feel so vulnerable. You are vulnerable in your late pregnancy, and it’s appalling that your DH is behaving in this way. I really don’t have words, I am so appalled by his behaviour. It makes me feel sick.

FWIW, my DH would never, ever, leave me at 38 weeks. He would take any of his mates to task if they behaved the way your DH is.

If it were my DH, I would tell him to pack his bags and not come back. I would hope he would realise his mistake and apologise, but I refuse to be treated with such disdain.

The problem is, he’s shown his true colours now, and he can’t be relied upon. He isn’t listening to you. He isn’t helping you engage with arguably the most intense, scary, vulnerable thing to happen in your life. Pregnancy and birth and post-partum is no joke. He is behaving like a small, pathetic little man. How utterly disappointing.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I know that’s all really hard to hear, and again, I am so, so sorry.

I'm sorry op. To a certain extent, I understand how you're feeling. Not quite the same but would like to share my experience if it helps.

I was pregnant at 21 and it wasn't planned, dh (then boyfriend) was 22 and, to be fair, terrified but like your dh he avoided things to do with planning for a baby and went out drinking etc... no stag do's abroad but I had to ask him to stop going out drinking towards the end. I had my mum there as a second birthing partner, which he wasn't happy about but that was the one thing I insisted on as I knew I'd need support in labour and didn't feel that from him. His family made a big fuss of him on his birthday because it was the "last one before he had to become a dad" which really hurt me also. As if he was about to go to prison or something! So they all fed into it and a lot of what you have written resonates with me.

In our case, dh witnessed me giving birth, fell head over heels in love with our baby and all those protective feelings for me seemed to come to him then. I hope your dh steps up, but even if he does this resentment won't go away unless you talk about it and he shows true remorse for causing you stress. My Dh just admitted he was really scared and selfish and has apologised to me and I've made allowances because we were so young and it wasn't planned.

A stressful pregnancy is a risk factor for post natal depression. Whatever you can put in place to reduce stress, do it for yourself. Confide in midwives also as they should offer extra support. I really hope it all works out for you.

What an absolute dick, I'm furious on your behalf.

My DH missed his friends stag do when I was 34 weeks because you just never know what's going to happen during a pregnancy. He didn't even float the idea of going because he's an adult not a selfish teenager. (As it happens I ended up needing a c section at 37 weeks).

His job during pregnancy and the postpartum period is to look after you. You are having his child and that's huge, physically and mentally.

Please show him this thread. If he's not mortified about how he's treated you then I'd seriously consider whether you want him anywhere near you during and after birth. You are going to be vulnerable in so many ways and the only people near you should be those you can rely on. I'm so glad your mum is able to come to you

Abso bloody lutely this!

If I were you, I'd say to him if he was happy missing the birth of his child to go and get pissed with his mates, feel free. But don't expect to come home.

@NavyRose don't forget this man is a lot older. He's also been incredibly rude and offensive to her, accusing her of being paranoid and wanting to ruin his life.
It's a bit different from an immature and ill informed young man who sounds ignorant rather than nasty.

Just skimmed over this thread and told my hubby. We only have one DS. 💙

He said... 38 weeks? Hold on, women are pregnant for 40 and hes leaving her alone, just before her end date? 2 weeks before? But what if it comes early or something happens? 👀
His jaw hit the floor, eyebrows shot up and he then said...
What a selfish bastard! She may as well be a single mum. He's a useless complete wanker!

So there you have it. I completely agree with my husband. Your fella is a selfish bastard and a useless complete wanker 😠 😡 😤

I hope you're okay and sending hugs to you 🫂
If you're based in the northwest and need support, I drive 🚗

OP I was in a similar-ish position. Pregnant with my first DC during Covid winter 2021. DH was due to go to a wedding less than 2 weeks before planned c section which meant that if he contracted Covid (as was typical at events like weddings during covid winters) he would miss the birth and have to isolate from me and baby post birth. I will never forget the feeling when he said he was willing to take that risk so as not to miss the wedding. It was devastating. In the end he didn’t go but only decided at the last minute. It was devastating and frankly still is when I think about it.

DH is good in many ways but can be incredibly selfish with his time and in the intervening years he has not changed in this regard.

My point really is people like this don’t change so think carefully. I also just wanted to acknowledge how upset you must feel because I’ve been there and it’s awful, especially in advance of the unknown of giving birth. Sending you lots of support.