To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

Just show him the thread so he has context of early labour but mostly how he’s coming across. Some people need to see that they’re acting like an arse before they realise it.

OP, you've just come to the realization that your partner is not a partner, he's an immature, selfish and egotistical manipulator who will NEVER prioritize you OR your baby.

That's a lot to digest.

Don't rush any decisions.

Talk to your Mum, family and friends. Don't 'sugar coat' anything ! tell them exactly what he has said. Tell them he booked it without telling you until now.
Tell them about him refusing to go to any of the pre-natal classes.

I'd be interested to hear him explain just what he thinks will happen when you're in labour? How will he know how to support you? Does he even know what's in your birth plan, and why? Would you trust him to speak up about your wishes in labour? Or does he just expect to hold your hand a bit???
(And I'd bet money on him buggering off to get himself food or going home to sleep because HE'S fekkin 'tired' if you have a long labour ! Also, him 'wetting the baby's head' with his mates being the bloody 'priority' for him, possibly while you're still in labour ! not you or your DC !)

Simply put, I'd expect bugger all from him, and I'd actually want to deny him entry to the labour suite, because he's made it 1000% CLEAR that he doesn't care about making certain he's at the actual birth !

He’s emotionally checked out. He’s not trying to understand what this is like for me at all. He’s just focused on whether he can still go have his fun and not be “the bad guy.” I don’t think he sees what this is doing to us - to me.

He needs to know this, and your mother needs to know everything. If he was my son in law I would be telling him how it is.

Please, please go to some ante natal classes. I went on my own because DH couldn't come with me and I wasn't the only one on my own. I learned so much from them and it meant that when I went into labour there was nothing I didn't expect or understand. This is really important.

How selfish. Both of mine came at 38 weeks so him saying that first babies come late are nonsense.

I wouldn’t be happy in general with a husband of mine going on a stag do in such a drug fuelled location. To do so when you’re 38 weeks is disgraceful.

I always cringe when I see men his age out clubbing in general. I used to be a bottle girl in my late teens and used to think how embarrassing they looked and behaved.

I doubt I've got anything new to add to this thread. You're definitely not being unreasonable, and I'm a ruddy bloke. He shouldn't even be having a night out when you're at 38 weeks. More generally, I think the whole stag/hen-do-in-ibiza/gdansk is just mental anyway. I'm assuming you're ordinary working people: how did we come to this? Ordinary people pissing a grand up the wall for a stag do? That money should be going to his family. Fucking ridiculous. Sorry, I've just woken up and I'm in a bad mood.

Time for him to grow up.

I'm so sorry, OP.

You're not small, and you're not pathetic, and I know it's easy to say that, but you're really not.

It sounds like he's trying to paint you in the role of "villain." You're "ruining things" or "making a big deal" if you say anything he doesn't like. This is a classic manipulation tactic to ensure that you don't feel safe or comfortable voicing your opinion and needs.

So, you get to look like the bad guy and he's just the innocent guy who wants to have fun. He just sounds like he's not remotely invested in any of this and it would be one thing if he was anxious or scared-you can work through that as a team, but if he's literally not bothered-there's nowhere to go from there. You're going to end up doing all this yourself and I'm so sorry you're finding out this way.

Focus on getting through today. You and your baby come first, and take care of yourself. Talk with your mum, and tell her everything. You're going to need support and I'm sorry to say, I don't think it's going to come from him.

I'm so angry for you that he's behaving so selfishly and making you feel like this at a time when you should be relaxing, knowing everything is taken care of.

Imagine how small and pathetic you have to be to care more about a stupid stag do than about the arrival of your first born. That is the true mark of a pathetic person. So don't ever feel pathetic or small-he's the one who is that. Not you.

I've nothing to add bar I've had 2 pregnancies, and gave birth at 37 and 38 weeks. I'm pretty confident my OH wouldn't have gone abroad for 4 days at that point even with a gun held to his head. He was excited to see the babies arrive, and understood i was nervous, tired and achy and needed his support.

Men can't have the babies for us, but they can at least be present.

Wishing you a smooth delivery OP, and a wonderful life as a Mum

I haven't read all the replies but I have read all your posts and I think you should go back with your mum and make plans to leave him.

Regardless of whether he goes or not now. He's shown you who he is and you should believe him

Might as well be a single mum from the start as you'll be a married single mum anyway if he's like this now.

Also no need for you to feel ashamed. You sound lovely, He in the other hand is a massive twat.

"He’s still going out tonight."
That'd be to 'blow off steam' from all the stress of his heavily pregnant wife not saying yes instantly to any of his incredibly selfish demands?

Still going to Ibiza unless I “make a massive deal” and “ruin things.”
I know you're not going to tell him to get to fuck so I won't suggest it but I would suggest you let your mum read this thread (if she's driving down don't let her read it beforehand as it's not good to drive whilst furious) and start to make plans without him.

@Featureso there is a popular MN saying 'when someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them'. When you have the baby and he/she is ill or something and he can't go somewhere he wants or do something he wants, will the baby then be 'ruining his life'? If it's parents night at school when he wants to go for some drinks with his friends, will that be too much 'waffle' and he'll not go? Or if he/she is learning to swim and the lessons are in the morning when he wants a lie in, will they be ditched as too much fuss? Will your baby play second fiddle to his every want too?

You need to tell your mum absolutely everything.

I don’t see how you can come back from this, well I couldn’t anyway. I cannot think of any words or actions he can come up with now to undo the damage he’s done.

Even if he doesn’t go to the stag do now, in years to come every time you think about your pregnancy and birth and the lead up to giving birth, you’ll remember this. It will always be there in the back of your mind. Tainted.

What a stupid stupid manchild.

Some men only reveal their true colours when pregnancy and new baby happen.

Him saying you'll ruin everything is him loading everything into you unless you meekly acquiesce and shut up and let him do exactly what he wants.

Tell your mum everything.

If he goes ... Ask her if you can go home with her.

Go to the antenatal classes. Him not being there can't be your focus now - the professional advice you'll get there is the point.

Starting joining mother and baby groups. Make friends who get it.

Really sorry that you are going through all of this OP. Make sure you tell your Mum everything...you have nothing to be embarrassed about and if your mum is half as angry with him as everyone is on here that should really solidify everything for you as to just how poorly he is behaving. Hopefully it will make it easier to leave him as well as it will be very hard to stay with this boy knowing that your mother knows just how pathetic he is.

I had my (first and only so far) daughter in December 2024 at 38 weeks + 1 (I went into labour the day before my maternity leave was due to start). It was a shock and I ended up needing an emergency C-section. My parents and friends also live over 3 hours away and I do not how I would have coped without my husband there supporting me through the birth, the pain and with our daughter in the hours and days after.

You really deserve better from your husband and please put yourself and baby first because clearly your husband won't/isn't.

Right now you are quite naturally focused on the birth, @Featureso - because you are scared and need his support.

But beyond that is the fact that he just isn’t ‘bothered’ about any of it - emotionally unavailable, letting you down, the actual birth and - most importantly - the child that is about to be born.

You are having a child with a man who doesn’t really want to be a father. 💐

Yeah 38 weeks is def cutting it too fine, my youngest came at 38 weeks.
You will be able to drive though, I drove myself in for a scan a couple of days before she arrived.

It's a big too close to the birth but why will you be unable to drive?

I would be packed up and gone by the time he came back from the stag.

Rewrite to his bags would be packed and on the doorstep when he got back. Why should she leave her home.

I would be very tempted to sabotage his luggage just before he leaves the house to go to this stag do.

You do need to tell your mum everything. If you were my daughter, I'd want to know.

You may feel small and pathetic but you really aren't. You are strong and brave and you can manage without him if that is what you need to do. His behaviour is small and pathetic because he doesn't know what it is like to put another person first which you have to do every single day once you have a baby.

You may decide that you will be better off going it alone without an uncaring man-baby being physically there, but emotionally completely detached from you and his child.

What the situation with his family? Is he close to them?

Are they aware of his plans?

If my son pulled a stunt like this I’d metaphorically cane his backside so hard he’d not sit down for a month.

If I was you I’d write him a letter whilst he is out tonight and make clear the gravity of the situation.

As you say it’s gone way beyond a stag do ands it seems clear that he is clueless (or in denial/doesn’t care) about the implications of his behaviour….not just re: the birth but your relationship.

You can’t trust him anymore. Not just in being there and having your back but just as bad in him pushing this back on you.

He’s laying the ground for a no win scenario for you either way and pretending to be the injured party.

He goes and all is well - “I told you so, don’t doubt my judgement again”.

He doesn’t go and you give birth later - “I told you so and it’s your fault I missed the stag do”.

He goes and you go into labour - “It’s not my fault the flights were booked up and besides you had your mum to look after you so what’s the big deal”.

You give birth before he goes - “Well your mum is here to look after you”.

All of which miss the point that he chose to have a baby with you. That in doing so he committed to supporting the person (you) who is quite literally carrying the load of this pregnancy.

His part in this process is actually very, very small, yet he can’t even step up to do that. Worse, that he doesn’t want to.

What sort of man would risk missing the birth of his child to go partying abroad?

The answer to that question is not one that any woman with any self respect would want to be with.

He thinks he holds the cards and this is about him.

It’s not. From now you act in the best interests of yourself and your baby. He is of no consequence.

I wanted to send you a big hug and say that you aren't being unreasonable in wanting him to be in the UK as you go into your final few weeks of pregnancy.
Your DH has shown where his priorities lie and I'm sorry but you are way down his list. Time to make a stand. If you don't, I can guarantee that you and your child will never ever be top of his list of priorities. I know, because I was that child and it was obvious that dad was more interested in being with his mates etc. I wish mum had walked out rather than being miserable and unhappy.
I'm glad you have your friend and your mum coming as they will be there for you. You need that.

Oh and although my first baby wasn’t two weeks early. He did come 5 days early and only took 4 hours to arrive. My only overdue baby was my last. My middle baby was 3 weeks early and a spearheading 2 hours labour and delivery.

If dh at 20 had of acted like your husband there wouldn’t have been a child 2 and 3 at least not with him.

As many of the others have said your husband is being an absolute tool. However, honestly, 38 weeks is 2 weeks away from being due and it’s a short flight away. I know you’re worried about this but try and disconnect your feelings about your husband from your feelings about how it would be to do it alone. My husband worked Monday - Friday in Rome when I was pregnant first time, and had flights booked all through. Our plan was he’d jump on a flight back up the second I went into labour, else we’d just hope I went into labour at the weekend. My backups were my mum, but she lived hours away and the hospital were brilliant in assuring me that if I came in alone they would absolutely take care of me, have someone there “for me” eg a trainee midwife or something. Taxi to take me in if early labour and abulance if it was quick. I’m not saying this to diminish what you’re going through or imply that giving birth alone would be easy - I’m just saying… if you look at this very rationally you might feel stronger than you think.

Ask him to imagine if he was the size of a bus and about to split in two to give birth to a new human and just as he was about to do that, you said, "oh sorry, there's a hen do in Ibiza that I literally must go to and if you don't let me go, you'll have ruined my life".

He's being really very irresponsible.

I'd say to him if he goes, he's very much putting himself first and not his new family. He also has to live with knowing that he put you through enormous stress when you needed him most. That this stress may affect you and the baby and the way the first few months pan out.

And it's not about being in prison after the baby comes, and if that's the way he sees it, then he's not the person you thought he was.

It sounds like he's out a lot too. What is he going to do once there's a baby? You can't keep that up in the early years. Babies are incredibly hard work.

Sorry OP but he sounds very immature.

The fact he won't talk about female intimate stuff and baby stuff sounds like he's got his head in the sand.

What's his relationship like with his mother?

She didn't do a very good job of teaching him about stuff, did she?

OP find your strength and anger and put on your school ma'am personality/face as he is so irresponsible and immature. Don't be a martyr.
Just tell him his whole attitude during the entire pregnancy stinks and has not measured up at all to your expectations.
Ask does he in fact not want a baby/child?
Tell him that he clearly does not care to take any responsibility for your or his child's welfare at this critical time and is prepared to give it to anyone else while he swans off on what will probably be a crude drunken immature jolly etc
Just tell him you forbid him to go. End of.