To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I would be divorcing him🙄

Are you happy to say where your location is? It sounds like you could do with some local support - I’m sure many of us would want to help.

We have all been there - heavily pregnant, scared, becoming a mother for the first time, and that’s why we are so worried and angry about this.

Many years ago now I was sent out from the home birth of my son by the midwife. I wanted to be there and some 62 years later he doesn't know how lucky he is to have the chance that was denied to me.

@Featureso
I am so sorry that your husband has really shown you how useless and selfish he really is.
Keep posting we are on here ready to support you over the next few weeks.

Wow it gets worse. He couldn't be bothered attending antenatal classes, he hasn't bothered looking up anything online...

He doesn't give a flying fuck about being a father or supporting his pregnant wife, does he?

If this was me I would be divorcing him. I'm 100% serious.

@Featureso Can you go and stay with your Mum rather than her come to you? You need time away from this W*er until after the baby is born and you have time to think about whether you really want to stay in a relationship like this? It's only going to get worse.

If he doesn't go, he will clearly take out his bad temper on you, at least verbally, and even more so if the baby doesn't arrive early. It is too late now, really, for there be any coming back from this. It really is. He has made it clear he doesn't care a stuff about you or the baby.

Please try and at least get away from him until the baby has arrived and you have had time to think clearly about where you go from here. I so wish I could just give you a huge hug.

I don’t know why it’s made me cry again reading these new replies but it has. Maybe because so many of you have said things I didn’t let myself think, or didn’t want to admit I was already thinking. I kept telling myself this was just a rough patch, just bad timing, just stress – but now I don’t know.

The thing that’s really stuck with me is a few of you saying “he’s showing you who he is” – I think you’re right. And it’s breaking my heart because I wanted so badly for him to be different. Or at least to want to be different.

Someone asked if he’s squeamish about the birth. We haven’t really talked about that – but honestly, he avoids the whole topic. Any time I bring up labour or postnatal stuff, he changes the subject or says we’ll “figure it out when we get there.” But I don’t think he’s scared. I think he just can’t be bothered.

He’s still going out tonight. Still going to Ibiza unless I “make a massive deal” and “ruin things.” It feels like I’m the one being put on trial. Like it’s somehow unreasonable of me to want him here, to not want to go through this alone, to need him.

And yes, to the person who asked – I do feel small. I feel pathetic. And I know I shouldn’t. But I do. I just feel worn out and a bit humiliated, to be honest. Like the punchline to some awful joke.

My mum is coming tomorrow and I’m holding onto that. I haven’t told her everything yet – I’ve been embarrassed – but I think I need to now. I don’t know what I’m going to do long-term. I’m just trying to get through today.

Thank you again for letting me say all this. I’ve been reading every single comment and I’ll keep doing so tonight. I can’t say it enough – thank you.

OP, I'm confused about why he is packing tonight and your mum is coming tomorrow. Is it literally tomorrow he is going?

This is so horrible - I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re doing great growing your baby and putting them first with all your reassuring thoughts.

I used to be a midwife and also ran antenatal classes. Each week at the beginning I would do small groups with a talking point.
Things like:

what does it mean to be a parent?
what kind of parent do you think you’ll be?
what will be good and what will be hard about being a mum / dad?
what do you think are common conflicts in relationships and how can you avoid or work through them?
teamwork makes the dream work; how will that work in your new family?

Give him this list and a pen/paper and see how he’s get on focusing his mind on being a dad.

Pm me if you want some other ideas x

Where in the country are you? If you need someone to sit with when you go into labour until your mum gets there I’m happy to!

@Fannyy "the ante natal class thing is odd ..."

Isn't it? He hasn't been to a single one, but said they were “a bit much”. What does that even mean?! 🙄 And I wonder how much research he's actually done on the internet ...

Tell him its the stag do or you and the baby. That's it at least you will know where you and the baby stand.

Very best of luck OP

You need to build your own village - without him. This boy is not ready to be a father and he is hiding away to prove it.

I would find a new birthing partner, tell the midwife he's out. Then tell him he's out as you need someone you can trust, is reliable and has some respect for what you are going through.

I think sadly you’re damned either way OP.

He goes on the stag do and quite rightly, whether baby comes or not, you shouldn’t forgive him, especially the last 4 weeks are so hard with just even doing day to day things (for some people), due to belly size, tiredness, trying to eat and drink properly, worry (perfectly normal to be anxious pre-birth). I didn’t even feel I could safely drive with DS1 about 3 weeks before because I couldn’t fit behind the wheel and reach the pedals.

Arranging your mum to come (totally understandable) is seen by him as verifying he can go as you’re safe. No consideration to the fact he may miss the birth of his first DC. A friend of mine had her first at 37 weeks and in less than 4 hours!

If he doesn’t go though, and baby doesn’t appear - I can see him holding that against you. He could have gone, had fun, etc.

Whatever happens look after yourself and your baby - and don’t forget your midwife is also there to listen and advise (and will no doubt have heard all of this before sadly).

Yes, I suggested upthread that if she says her general area, one of us may live not too far and could support.

At the end of the day your husband will possibly be of little to no use in labour anyway so if he wants to go let him go. You don't need him you can have the baby without him like loads of women during covid had to.

He'll be the one gutted he missed the birth and he'll have to live with it. Won't change anything for you, you won't need him the midwives and staff will do anything he could do.

Let him crack on and enjoy the peace I'd say.

Is the stag this weekend?

im convinced he will go and when back be all sweetness and light because he got away with it

How awful for you to be in such a vulnerable position when he shows you who he really is, but he was going to let you down majorly at some point.
In retrospect there were lots of red flags with my ex ( although he was around for both births) but if a similar situation had presented itself I can imagine he may well have made the same decision.
He was great in many aspects but eventually let me and my dc down in spectacular fashion.
It maybe for the best that you are seeing who he really is before you become more invested (and have more dc)
But being pregnant with your first dc is a major life event and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. Idiot that he is he probably has no idea what he's done.

What’s your relationship like with your MIL? Feel like I want someone else to give his head a wobble - you don’t need the stress / confrontation, but he really needs to hear it straight and have his eyes opened to what an awful husband he’s being.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry he’s being such a selfish dickhead. It’s such a vulnerable, emotional, and anxious time for a woman and he should 100% be there for you. Even if you don’t go into labour early, the fact that he’s not there just in case, when it’s at a point that it’s very entirely possible that you could, speaks volumes. If it was a close dying relative he had to go see, then maybe, but for a bloody stag do- he’s just utterly selfish. I’d have a really hard time forgiving this. Not just the actual action of going, but even that he wants to go.

If he is going out can you go and get yourself some delicious food and nourish yourself with a film or see a friend? Don’t want you sat there feeling rubbish

You’ve been put in the impossible position.

He goes and you don’t have the baby early it’s see I told you and he will always use that as well in future, well last time you said but what if and it didn’t happen.

He doesn’t go and again you don’t give birth early, see you made me miss it for nothing. Even though you being scared it could happen should be enough.

Frankly a good husband and dad to be wouldn’t want to go. The way and words like ruin his life. His not ready to be a dad or husband.

Honestly he sounds the type of person you’d be better off splitting from because married you’ll still feel like a lone parent because his going to be useless.

If your mum is a supportive kind of person then tell her all of it. You need someone in your corner.

Tell him to leave. Seriously you don’t need this kind of hindrance in your life. He’s not interested in even learning how to support you and your baby. Your mum is coming and she can be your birthing partner. And you can always go back there with her. He doesn’t deserve to be at the birth tbh and wouldn’t be any use anyway and prob complain that he’s had no sleep. Do you share the house?

My DH was there for both of my difficult births. Pregnancies were relatively ok until the last few weeks when things started to get hairy. C section was booked for the first as he breached two weeks before due date. Kicked himself the wrong way up. I was in hospital from that point. Baby was unwell and we were blue lighted to kings. Was in hospital for three weeks.
Second was an emergency episotomy which went a bit wrong and ainwas in hospital for 4 weeks after.
In both instances my husband had to be the primary care giver and practically lived at the hospital with us.
All worked out fine in the end for us. Healthy happy babies but it was unexpected turns of events in the last two weeks and I relaly needed hin there for everything. Even bringing me food in hospital, taking baby for tests and other things.
I think your man does not understand childbirth. Its a first child. He is naive. Probably doesn't realise why you need him. Just thinks baby will come on the due date and just pop out. For some people it does, but not all. He will be in for a massive shock. I think he is being naive rather than nasty and he needs educating.