To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

This has brought tears to my eyes - I’m angry and sad for you - you deserve so much more. Sending a huge hug to you xx

There it is - right there: wouldn’t go to ante natal classes. He should go FOR YOU, as well as to be part of the experience himself.

And yes, this isn’t last minute at all. It’s been arranged for a long time.

Right now he’s prob got a WhatsApp group of jolly lads bantering about what clubs they are going to. That is more appealing to him than perhaps being at home and nothing happening. Not sure how you get past that op - I wonder if he wants to decide the day before.

Oh op, the thought of you sitting alone in that bathroom is heartbreaking, please know you’re not truly alone because even though it’s turned out to be an absolute shit show of a day (and you’re realising things you didn’t want to) you have hundreds of people here supporting you and showing solidarity. Please try and stay calm. Allow him to do as he wishes. If he goes and you have the baby, he didn’t deserve to be there anyway, and he doesn’t deserve you and that little one. Stay strong 💐

I think I'd be inclined to tell him to go but the marriage is over. Make your plans now because I can't see this getting better. So sorry @Featureso .

That's the reality of the situation.

If he can't make the necessary sacrifices now to ensure he's present for the birth, when will he?

There's so many sacrifices decent parents need to make to be present for their children and give them what they need-if he can't "sacrifice" a weekend of fun with his friends to be present for the birth-it doesn't bode well for the future, unfortunately.

He sounds like the type of man to always put himself first. It may not have reared its head much before-maybe because he hasn't had to sacrifice much before-but I suspect this will not be an isolated incident. He will continue to find ways to prioritise himself and ensure he never misses out.

The "ruin his life" is just so reminiscent of a spoilt teenager throwing a tantrum and it would turn me off for life.

.

Oh love I wish I lived round the corner, I’d be there in a heart beat. I agree with all the advice here. Take one day at a time, you don’t need to be making any decisions right now. But he’s shown you who he is. Listen.

So glad your mum will be with you. Be honest with her.
Thinking of you xx

@Featureso YOU are not remotely pathetic OP - he is! 😠

I feel really small. And a bit pathetic. Like maybe I expected too much thinking he’d just know not to do this.

He is the pathetic one to have to have this spelt out to him.

Curious what his mother would think. I’d be beyond incensed and mortified if he was my son.

I’m so so sorry, you deserve better.

There's been loads of really good advice in this thread already.
I urge you to talk to him properly, maybe he has worries about being AT the actual birth, is he squeamish? Have you talked about post birth and what you and the baby will need from him.
Honestly he doesn't sound up to being a father right now - hopefully he will change as soon as the reality hits.
Unfortunately for you the baby probably won't arrive until 40 weeks, and he'll blame YOU for missing the stag. Although I can't think of many men who would be out of the country with the prospect of their first child being born soonish.
I really think you need to get yourself booked on a local antenatal class - you get to meet other women and make a few early friends in the same boat who want to 'talk babies' all the time, which to everyone else is really quite boring!
I'm still in touch with a few people from my class (and our children are now 18!).
Good luck x

I’m so sorry, lovely.

But that small, pathetic feeling you gave right now? It’s going to be ten times worse once your child is here if he continues down the sand selfish, self centred, emotionally maniptivd, gaslighting track.

And you’ll turn around in 10, 15, 20 years time and wonder where you lost your sense of self l, lost who you are, lost everything about you. You lost yourself here, right now, unless you make a stand. He either shows up gof his family or his family don’t havd the pain and hurt if enduring him for yhd next 20 years. Men who act like this strip women of their dignity, self worth, resilience and ability to cope - abc then gaslight them when they crumble.

Dong let this happen to you or your child.

He IS usually like this - he couldn’t even be bothered to go to antenatal classes with you.

This IS who he is.

Agreed.

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been reading through all these messages slowly, and I honestly feel like I’ve just been winded by the sheer volume of it - of care, of anger on my behalf, of truth. And also grief. Because I think some part of me already knew what a lot of you are saying, and I just didn’t want to admit it.

I don’t think this is about a stag do anymore, is it?

Someone said above he’s laid his cards on the table - and that hit hard. Because yes. He has. And the worst part is, I’m not sure he even sees what he’s done. He keeps saying “but nothing’s even happened yet,” and “you’re just catastrophising,” like I’m the one making drama out of nothing. But it’s not nothing. It’s the fact that I had to cancel the antenatal class because I didn’t want to sit there alone. It’s the fact that my mum is coming not because she’s excited, but because I need someone - anyone - here in case something goes wrong. And it’s the fact that he still thinks he’s the one being hard done by.

A few of you have asked if he’s even read anything - no, he hasn’t. He’s not interested in any of it. He said he doesn’t “see the point in all that waffle” and that people have been having babies since forever. I just… I don’t even have the energy to argue anymore. I feel like I’ve been gaslit out of my own reality.

He’s going out later too - just for “a couple of pints” with some of the lads, as if I’m not sitting here 36 weeks pregnant wondering if I’ll go into labour early. Apparently he “needs to blow off steam.” I’ve stopped saying anything because when I do, it ends up with me crying and him sulking. I don’t want to have another row tonight. Not again.

Right now he’s upstairs packing like this is a normal Friday. He’s humming to himself. I had to come back in here because I felt like I was going to scream.

Thank you all again. I know I keep saying that but I genuinely mean it. I don’t know where I go from here yet - but I don’t feel quite as alone anymore.

Loads of excellent advice already on this thread. MNers can be the absolute best in offering support when it is needed.

You've been put in an impossible situation and, as with every other poster, I'm appalled he'd make you feel small and pathetic for wanting him around in the days before delivery (or actually at the delivery). The fault lies with him and with him alone.

Lean on your Mum. Leave him to wallow.

Nothing to add to all the wonderful advice here, except to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this. Big hugs. Hope all goes smoothly, and that the arrival of your little one is as drama free as possible. (P.S. if it's any consolation, I'm not in touch at all with any of the people from the NCT class I attended, but am still good friends with the the new mums I met after my baby arrived).

In his mind, probably, but not in the mind of a normal, eager to be first time dad. Oh no, wait, I see what you mean ... 😔

Well, my 1st was born at 37 weeks.

Your DH sounds immature and selfish. With no idea of what parenthood/family life entails (spoiler alert…he’s not #1 priority).

That said, you will cope on your own. But the upshot of that is long term damage - you know he wasn’t there for you when you needed him and therefore in effect you were trained to carry on without him - emotionally and physically.

OP if you are london based please please please feel free to DM me.

"He needs to blow off steam" Does he now. How very fucking convenient for him. Sorry. He's an awful prick.

Definitely

I bet we can find someone on this thread not too far from you, OP. I’m in Kent, DM me if you like.

This situation is mind boggling to me and I’m so sorry you’re in it (I’ve been refreshing all day). It’s very rare the MN crowd so overwhelming sides with an OP but it’s been amazing to see how much support you’ve gotten.

I'm sorry OP but better to find out now than when baby is here.

He's shown you who he really is and that ''blowing off steam'' is the priority. He isn't going to change.

Do you have a good relationship with his mother or any member of his family?
Does he or you speak to them much?

The partners of his stag-do friends? @Featureso

I wonder what they'd say if they heard? (and I don't mean you should contact them about it)