To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I’m so sorry you had to find out this way what a horrible, immature, irresponsible guy you’re with is. I haven’t read all the other comments here but I’ve read yours, and I think the other thing that stands out to me is that he is putting you through this extra unnecessary stress at a time you need to be calm and collected and getting ready for the baby. Stress is awful for a heavily pregnant woman and her baby.

He is a selfish prick. If you weren’t in such a precarious state as it was, I would suggest leaving him. He isn’t the type of man you would want around your children, and you will always remember this time now as the time he could easily have shown up for you, but decided not to.

That's exactly what it sounds like.

Just send him a link to this thread OP and then go out for a bit (if your feeling ok too)

I would tell him that if he goes to Ibiza he is clearly not ready to be a father. You don't get to decide that you're not ready to be a mother because the baby is inside your body and ready to come out.

So you need to surround yourself with people who are going to support you, and what he is telling you by even considering going to Ibiza is that he isn't someone you can rely on.

Honestly, OP, I would absolutely let him have it and not hold back. How can he be so absolutely dense? This is not what you signed up for when you conceived a child with this insensitive, immature idiot. If he decides to go, I don't see how your relationship can recover - even now it's on a sticky wicket because of even considering going to this stupid stag do.

I’m still hiding in the bathroom - not quite ready to go back out there yet. I think I just needed five minutes of not having to pretend I’m fine.

Reading these replies… honestly, I don’t even have words. It’s weird how a bunch of strangers on the internet can feel more comforting and grounded than the person I live with. Thank you all. Truly.

To the person who asked if this is a one-off - no, he’s not usually this selfish, or at least I didn’t think he was. He’s never been the most emotionally tuned-in person, but he’s usually decent. Reliable. He’s funny and good at sorting out practical things and I never imagined we’d end up here. That’s what’s throwing me - I thought we were a team. I think maybe I assumed he’d naturally fall into that “protector” role when the baby came, but now I’m realising that might have just been wishful thinking.

And no - he hasn’t come to the antenatal classes. I asked him to come to one but he said they were “a bit much” and that it was “all stuff I can just read online.” In the end I didn’t go either. I couldn’t face sitting there by myself and pretending everything was fine.

I’m trying to stay calm, because if I break properly I don’t know how easy it’ll be to put myself back together again. I don’t want the stress to affect the baby - that’s the main thing now. I’ve been talking to them in my belly, saying “don’t worry, I’ve got you” over and over, even though I don’t feel like I’ve got much of anything right now.

I don’t think I’m going to show him the thread. Not yet. But I’ve screenshotted a few things. Maybe I’ll need them later.

Look in the bathroom mirror. You are a strong, capable woman. You are not at fault.
Why didn't it surprise me that he hadn't been to ante natal classes?
Not engaged and not supportive.
Predictable.

You didn't expect to much.

His wanting to go to Ibiza is not what a reasonable adult man with a wife soon to deliver their first child would do.

I used to work NICU before I switched specialties. The vast majority of men want to be there with and for their wives before, during, and after delivery. They want to be an involved partner.

Your husband seems to think this pregnancy and delivery is all on you to manage and he's free to do what he pleases. There's something missing in him and I'm sorry that you've found out at such a vulnerable time.

Who raised him?

I think you expected him mot to be a selfish dick. Which is absolutely fair. I’m so sorry OP, something similar happened to me near the birth of my second and it is such a vulnerable time. Rally other support around you and leave him to stew. If he decides to go, then I would consider making arrangements to separate. Be absolutely clear, chant it to yourself in the mirror if you have to, you are not solely responsible for this baby, it was a joint decision and therefore the care of you and this baby is a joint responsibility. Don’t stand for this casual ‘I’ll chip in occasionally’ approach. So fucking done with men wandering in and out like they have absolutely no responsibility. The selfishness is off the charts.

How depressing. My Dh was invited to a stag abroad when I would be 39weeks. His response to his friend before he even told was 'sorry mate would love to but Mrs will be heavily pregnant' wouldn't have even crossed his mind to go! Where do women find these men! Sorry op but don't think you've picked a good one

I fear he's showing you who he is

the ante natal class thing is odd.
id go and stay at your mums for a bit

He’s not mentally prepared for this then, not having been to the classes.

At best he is being clueless. I want you to be ok and am trying to work out what’s going on in his head. Denial probably and a black and white view of baby not being here yet.

it easy for us to all say he’s a dick. But the op wants him to be dad and support her. It’s like you need urgent couples therapy but not sure how you get that

Umm, how is your maternity leave being paid for? Is he leaving you to deal with that on your own, too?

And it's not a matter of letting him go. The ball is in his court

i would refuse to say anything else about it.

Oh wow. He couldn’t even be bothered to go to antenatal classes.
Sorry OP but the writing has been on the wall for a while. He’s a selfish pig and you will end up doing all of the parenting.
I’d advise you to try to attend some antenatal classes- they really help with the labour. NCT do private weekend ones- where you’ll meet other mums too.

I think it's clear that he's just laid his cards down for you, OP.

He doesn't care about you or your baby. Not as much as he does about his friend and going on a 4-day bender. If he did, he wouldn't even countenance such a plan that could see him miss the birth of your child.

It's not just a matter of someone being there for you as "cover." Surely, he'd want to be that person? Surely he wants to meet baby as soon as they have arrived and make sure you are ok and supported?

I feel like this is just so much deeper and more than simply wanting to go on a stag do. It shows an utter lack of care or consideration for you and everything you're going through.

No decent husband, man, father would ever even consider this. Only selfish, immature rotters would even think it was reasonable to keep the options open here.

If you can and you have the means and support, I'd be looking at getting out of this marriage. That might seem extreme-but he's shown you who he is. He's shown you that you and baby are not priority-going to Ibiza and getting bladdered with his mates is.

Let him go to Ibiza, but don't be there when he gets back. I just don't see how you recover from all this.

What an utter bellend.

Right op. In my opinion, you need to march out of tge bathroom and tell him like it is. That if he's prepared to miss the birth, to go on a 4 day bender, thrn he's not going to be much of a father. That you will not forgive him for this. That your mother is coming because you do not feel supported or comforted by him. That you are giving him this information, so he can make an informed decision. But you make your stance very clear, no wishy washy words that he can "misinterpret" as a green light.
Therefore if he chooses to go, he understands the choice he has made. I think he has a fair amount of growing up to do, in a very short space of time. I am angry on your behalf.

I have read every post you have put in here OP and as others have said, if we could look after you we really would.

I am not one to jump on this bandwagon usually but I would honestly be considering your future with this man. This isn't the last time something challenging will come up when it comes to being a parent and he is falling at the first hurdle.... the birth.

I know it's scary but you are practically doing it alone anyway. Look after yourself xx

I'd be wondering how last-minute this holiday really is. They're all able to get time off easily? I've not booked a holiday abroad in years, but is it that easy to find accommodation big enough for what sounds like a few of them? And for 4 days? Presumably he's already paid in full if it's that last minute

This is not good. If you ever show him this thread I want him to know that real men don’t do this.
These comments aren’t just ‘hysterical women winding you up’ they are women who know what pregnancy and labour are like. We know what is needed and that is your partner at a time where you are terrified and vulnerable.
My husband would NEVER have even dreamed about leaving me at this time. He wouldn’t have even risked for a moment the possibility of missing out on the privilege of being at the birth of his child or at supporting his wife who he loves most in the world.
He gladly came to ante natal classes and discussed birth plans and bought those huge pads that you will need when you’re bleeding after the birth. Not because he didn’t feel uncomfortable, of course he did, but because he WANTED to be a part of it and be there for me. He put all pride to one side and showed up and has been showing up for 24 years.

You shouldn’t have to ask or shout at him, he should gladly and willingly be choosing you and your baby. So him the thread, say nothing and give him the chance for him to realise and admit what a tool he is being, and for him to say sorry, I didn’t think about it in this way. Then forgive him.
If he still doesn’t completely beg your forgiveness then yes you’ve got a big problem here. So sorry op. Really hoping for this to some round for both of you.

And no - he hasn’t come to the antenatal classes. I asked him to come to one but he said they were “a bit much” and that it was “all stuff I can just read online.” In the end I didn’t go either. I couldn’t face sitting there by myself and pretending everything was fine.

And has he read anything online?

How much of this do you think is deliberate denial, and how much is that he just doesn't care?

You need to be stronger, you have to stand up for yourself as well as your baby now. Don’t feel small, feel cold fury. You need to find support from other people since your DH is a stupid, selfish, foolish, twat. Do you have any men in your family, as I fear he might only respect men.

You need to go from porcelain, to steel.

Tbf the baby probably wont come before 40 weeks sometimes later with a first child. BUT, to say you are ruining his life is a big red flag, it’s a shame and very sad that this relationship may end before the baby is born. I think some men just shouldn’t be fathers and he seems to be one of them. He may come round once the baby is born, but I think his selfish behaviour will rear its head plenty in the future. Let him go,,,,,,, your flogging a dead horse.

He’ll go, the baby will be two weeks late and he’ll be all “I told you so”, and he won’t realise the catastrophic damage he’s done to his relationship and the trust you had in him.

The not supporting you at the classes you wanted to go to too, to the point you didn’t go, is pretty unforgivable even without this stag do malarkey.

I think this will now have opened your eyes and could well be the beginning of the end.

Eeek - I don't know what to say about that except if he thinks not going on a stag will 'ruin his life', wait until the baby comes along as his life will be totally upended (although he sounds like the sort of bloke who would just carry on with his 'old' life anyway).

Also, him not wanting to come to antenatal classes, and by extension you not going, means that you've possibly missed out on those mum friends you may have made.