Page 22 | To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

Featureso · 2025-08-01T08:30:24+00:00

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby. He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat. I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21. I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him. AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

luckylavender · 01/08/2025 15:10

I was admitted to hospital at 36 weeks, delivered at 37. I’m not a fan of telling DH what to do but I would be really uneasy with this.

Pottlee · 01/08/2025 15:10

He shouldn’t even want to go at a time like that… so he’d be happy to potentially miss the birth of his first child? And he’d be happy to leave his wife to potentially go through birth alone?
I think the fact that he wants to go is the crux, like others have said. If you put your foot down and say no he can’t go, he’ll use that against you forever if you don’t have the baby on one of those 4 days.
Ideal situation is that he realises how wrong it would for him to be pissed in Ibiza whilst his wife is giving birth to their baby, but if he’s adamant on going, I’d let him - he’s shown himself for what he is.

Notmyreality · 01/08/2025 15:15

Asunciondeflata · 01/08/2025 09:33

This x 💯

Show quote history

Yup

AmyByTheTrain · 01/08/2025 15:16

My first baby was born at 37.5 weeks. First babies are definitely not always late.

ClimbEveryLadder · 01/08/2025 15:18

With respect your DH is a selfish idiot.

Sounds like he may have been invited to fill a space by someone who couldn’t make it if he’s only just got the invite. An August stag do in a resort would have had to be booked up ages ago.

First births can be early. Whilst I don’t want you to worry problems can start to occur at the later stages even if your pregnancy has been plain sailing up to now. All easily dealt with medical care but what you need is someone on hand who can take you into hospital for a check at any point you’re feeling anxious and that someone needs to do it without complaining. If you’re feeling a bit off during the night you’re not going to knock on your neighbours door.

Assuming everything goes smoothly and you’re on time or late it’s also your last few weeks pre motherhood and everything is going to change much more for you than him so he should be looking after you.

Teenytwo · 01/08/2025 15:19

I’m 37 weeks and the idea of DP being away for one night fills me with dread because I’m struggling in general. How far along are you, maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet? My DP suggested something similar and I said no, I mentioned it the other day and he laughed saying that wouldn’t have happened now would it. I think for men because they aren’t going through it they don’t always realise - which isn’t an excuse for his dickhead comments.

CloudywMeatballs · 01/08/2025 15:19

I'm glad your mum is coming to stay with you. That will be reassuring for you, if you do go into labor while he's away.

(I'm another one who didn't go late with their first. After a completely normal healthy pregnancy my oldest child was born at exactly 36 weeks.)

Curious though - who told you you couldn't drive that late in pregnancy? That's something I never heard before. I drove earlier in the day my second child was born before I went into labor, and that was at 40 weeks.

Lostworlds · 01/08/2025 15:20

My dh didn’t want to go a 6 hour trip down south when I was 37 weeks pregnant incase something happened. I think your dh is being stupid and not thinking clearly.

He’s focussing on what ‘fun’ he’ll miss out on and not thinking of the potential child birth that he may also miss out on.

BunnyLake · 01/08/2025 15:22

Well I hope he does see this thread and realise was a useless jerk of a husband and father-to-be he’s being. Disgraceful that he wouldn’t want to be with you at this vulnerable time because he’d rather be pissing it up in Ibiza. How could he even enjoy himself knowing he has left you alone.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/08/2025 15:23

CloudywMeatballs · 01/08/2025 15:19

I'm glad your mum is coming to stay with you. That will be reassuring for you, if you do go into labor while he's away.

(I'm another one who didn't go late with their first. After a completely normal healthy pregnancy my oldest child was born at exactly 36 weeks.)

Curious though - who told you you couldn't drive that late in pregnancy? That's something I never heard before. I drove earlier in the day my second child was born before I went into labor, and that was at 40 weeks.

The only parts where I’ve seen the op say she can’t drive are she doesn’t really want to drive 4 hours to her mums and maybe she won’t drive herself to the hospital in labour, but maybe I missed something. Driving can be very painful late pregnancy if you’re having sciatic issues.

diddl · 01/08/2025 15:26

Chances are you won't have the baby in those 4days.

Of course he shouldn't want to take the risk.

I'm assuming he will go so could your mum be there for those days?

apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it.

So they have all left wives near the end of pregnancy to go on stag does?

Sounds unlikely.

I true then he's as shit as the company he keeps!

Original poster

Featureso · 01/08/2025 15:28

Well, he came home early from work and caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting him for another couple of hours, and now I’m sat in the bathroom trying to calm myself down before I go back out. My chest feels tight and my head’s all over the place.

He said he’s “still thinking about it” and that he “hasn’t made a final decision yet” - and I honestly don’t know how to respond anymore. I just stood there and nodded while feeling like I could crumble. After everything I’ve said - how scared I am, how alone I feel, how close we are to the due date - and he still hasn’t ruled it out. It’s like he’s trying to keep both options open so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy either way.

I told him that my mum is coming tomorrow and a local friend has offered to be on standby, and he just said, “Good - that means you’ll be covered then.” Covered? Like I’m a parcel delivery or a work rota? I wanted to scream. I know it’s good to have backup, but the fact he thinks that’s the point makes me feel so unseen. This isn’t about logistics. It’s about the person who’s supposed to be by my side wanting to be there.

He keeps repeating that he’s “not just going to disappear” - but the thing is, he kind of already has. He’s emotionally checked out. He’s not trying to understand what this is like for me at all. He’s just focused on whether he can still go have his fun and not be “the bad guy.” I don’t think he sees what this is doing to us - to me.

He’s upstairs now, apparently “clearing his head.” Meanwhile, I’m sat here wiping tears off my shirt and wondering how I ended up in this situation with someone who thinks missing a stag do is going to “ruin his life.”

I feel really small. And a bit pathetic. Like maybe I expected too much thinking he’d just know not to do this.

OP posts:

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 01/08/2025 15:30

Ah gosh, I'm so sorry Op. Big, big hug.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/08/2025 15:30

Worst case?! There’s no option for a best case that shifts tectonic plates to bring Ibiza closer, 2.5h is way way better than the BEST case since he has to find a flight to get on and travel to the airport and travel from the airport. Plus this one first has to not be too drunk to check his phone, and not be too much of a dick to think it worth coming back earlier when the op says they are wheeling me in for a section.

op, he thinks your mum is there to cover for him. He doesn’t realise your mum is there because you need someone and he’s a piece of shit, so you really need support from someone who cares whether he goes or not. I think you should show him the thread. Because this will be what women in his life think of him. Forever.

Tothink · 01/08/2025 15:31

SIL had her first baby at 38 weeks. Echoing what others have said, I’d feel comfortable with him going up until 36 weeks, by 37 weeks he needs to be home waiting for babies imminent arrival - how bloody naive and selfish of him.

Gloriia · 01/08/2025 15:31

'I feel really small. And a bit pathetic'

Oh don't feel small or pathetic. He is the pathetic one

What is he like normally, is this a blip is he usually 100% present and supportive?

Roosch · 01/08/2025 15:31

Featureso · 01/08/2025 15:28

Well, he came home early from work and caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting him for another couple of hours, and now I’m sat in the bathroom trying to calm myself down before I go back out. My chest feels tight and my head’s all over the place.

He said he’s “still thinking about it” and that he “hasn’t made a final decision yet” - and I honestly don’t know how to respond anymore. I just stood there and nodded while feeling like I could crumble. After everything I’ve said - how scared I am, how alone I feel, how close we are to the due date - and he still hasn’t ruled it out. It’s like he’s trying to keep both options open so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy either way.

I told him that my mum is coming tomorrow and a local friend has offered to be on standby, and he just said, “Good - that means you’ll be covered then.” Covered? Like I’m a parcel delivery or a work rota? I wanted to scream. I know it’s good to have backup, but the fact he thinks that’s the point makes me feel so unseen. This isn’t about logistics. It’s about the person who’s supposed to be by my side wanting to be there.

He keeps repeating that he’s “not just going to disappear” - but the thing is, he kind of already has. He’s emotionally checked out. He’s not trying to understand what this is like for me at all. He’s just focused on whether he can still go have his fun and not be “the bad guy.” I don’t think he sees what this is doing to us - to me.

He’s upstairs now, apparently “clearing his head.” Meanwhile, I’m sat here wiping tears off my shirt and wondering how I ended up in this situation with someone who thinks missing a stag do is going to “ruin his life.”

I feel really small. And a bit pathetic. Like maybe I expected too much thinking he’d just know not to do this.

Take your time in the bathroom.
Deep breaths, count to 3.
You need to tell people (under the guise of needing help/back up) that he would be embarrassed by - his family, his supervisor, people who’s opinion he respects (sadly that is not yours).

Travelodge · 01/08/2025 15:32

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 01/08/2025 15:30

Ah gosh, I'm so sorry Op. Big, big hug.

You didn’t expect too much at all. You expected a caring husband and an excited first-time father, as you had the right to do, not a selfish immature twat. Sorry.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/08/2025 15:32

Honestly, the most of the posters on here don't even know you but we would look after you if we could. I just can't understand how and why he doesn't want to. It makes me feel really sad for you and very protective. I can't imagine how your mum must be feeling. If someone treated my daughter like this, I don't know what I'd do.

PoppyRoseBucky · 01/08/2025 15:33

Put it into perspective here.

He wants to go on a 4-day bender with his mates and is more than happy to risk missing the birth of his first born child to do so.

Not husband material nor father material. Throw him back.

Merrymouse · 01/08/2025 15:33

Featureso · 01/08/2025 15:28

Well, he came home early from work and caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting him for another couple of hours, and now I’m sat in the bathroom trying to calm myself down before I go back out. My chest feels tight and my head’s all over the place.

He said he’s “still thinking about it” and that he “hasn’t made a final decision yet” - and I honestly don’t know how to respond anymore. I just stood there and nodded while feeling like I could crumble. After everything I’ve said - how scared I am, how alone I feel, how close we are to the due date - and he still hasn’t ruled it out. It’s like he’s trying to keep both options open so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy either way.

I told him that my mum is coming tomorrow and a local friend has offered to be on standby, and he just said, “Good - that means you’ll be covered then.” Covered? Like I’m a parcel delivery or a work rota? I wanted to scream. I know it’s good to have backup, but the fact he thinks that’s the point makes me feel so unseen. This isn’t about logistics. It’s about the person who’s supposed to be by my side wanting to be there.

He keeps repeating that he’s “not just going to disappear” - but the thing is, he kind of already has. He’s emotionally checked out. He’s not trying to understand what this is like for me at all. He’s just focused on whether he can still go have his fun and not be “the bad guy.” I don’t think he sees what this is doing to us - to me.

He’s upstairs now, apparently “clearing his head.” Meanwhile, I’m sat here wiping tears off my shirt and wondering how I ended up in this situation with someone who thinks missing a stag do is going to “ruin his life.”

I feel really small. And a bit pathetic. Like maybe I expected too much thinking he’d just know not to do this.

Sorry if I missed this, but has he been to any ante natal classes?

Does he have any understanding of fairly normal things like un-planned c-sections?

He says his life will be ruined if he misses a stag do, but has he thought through how he will feel if he misses the birth of his child? From what you say, he is treating attending the birth like a chore that he would be happy to unload onto somebody else.

Goodadvice1980 · 01/08/2025 15:35

OP he really is a selfish twat. This gives you a glimpse of how supportive he will be as a parent.

For me, his behaviour would destroy any feelings I had for him. Use this time to really consider your future OP and the future for your baby.

Canijustsayonething · 01/08/2025 15:36

Just utterly speechless. He's shown his true colours. Tell him to pack ALL his shit while he's packing for ibiza.

Asunciondeflata · 01/08/2025 15:36

Listen to us: you are not small or pathetic
It's fine to cry, you are feeling very vulnerable and very anxious, and the person who should be helping you and caring for you is treating you badly. He's using offensive language to demean you and imply that you have a problem.
Please take courage from everything on this thread. Whether he goes or stays, he's shown you who he is. 🌸

Henbags · 01/08/2025 15:37

Why the heck are you just standing there nodding?! This doesn't bode well for the future if you can't stand your ground and defend yourself against this utter cunt! You shouldn't have said that your mum was coming or a co-worker because you've gotten him off the hook, don't you see that? That's basically you giving him the green light.