To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

First baby came at 37+4. Labour was 2 hours from contractions starting to birth. There would have been no time to just head back from overseas!

There will always be more holidays but you can never redo the moment you become a father for the first time. I really hope he comes to see sense.

I went into labour with my first in week 38 of pregnancy

This. He sounds like a petulant, spoilt 14 year old! It’s completely pathetic.

My OH is a big party animal, and he didn't even go to a wedding in the same city of one of his close friends when I was 38 weeks as he was worried he'd miss the birth.

If you were 34/35 weeks I'd probably say on balance of probability it's fine, but I know loads of people who've had their first baby at that stage.

I'm not sure I could get over the vitriol he spouted. 'Ruining his life?' Pfft.

He sounds like he's shaping up to be one of those men who feel children/ pregnancy is a favour he's given you, and you mustn't ask for too much.

The examples you gave op, painting/ discussing names is really superficial stuff. This isn't.

Although he may not feel the baby is a reality yet ( many men feel that way), he IS a husband. Wanting to leave you when you're uncomfortable, nervous, and when your body can stop you from being able to do many things is beyond selfish. Saying that you're being controlling and ruining your life is hurtful and verging on the unforgivable.

So sorry this is your DH OP….this is how he’s going to be I’m afraid. Jeez my DH wouldn’t even have considered a night out at this stage, let alone a 4 night stag do.

This only applies if you are married to a child.

@Featureso I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position - you shouldn't be. So your DP is referring to a 4-day stag do in Ibiza as a "once in a lifetime" event - does he not understand that being present at the birth of his first child is actually a once in a lifetime event? Is he really prepared to risk missing that amazing experience for a ruddy stag do? 😡 I wonder how he would feel if he did miss it, if/when other first-time fathers talk about being there and experiencing that wonder with their DPs and supporting them, all he would be able to say is "I wasn't there". And the inevitable question as to why not could only produce the answer "I was on a stag do in Ibiza". It's pathetic. It's beyond pathetic. He needs to grow up. He seems to view impending fatherhood as an end to all fun in life. Does he not think he can have fun with you and his new child - both now and in years to come? He needs to understand that there can be plenty of fun to be had with his family, creating memories and a legacy. It just won't be the getting hammered in Ibiza type of fun. 🙄
Again, I'm so sorry OP, but I'm relieved to hear you've arranged for your mum to come to stay early to support you - she sounds lovely. And so do you. Very best of luck with the birth - I hope everything goes well and that your DP is there too. 🤗

@Dontlletmedownbruce but isn't this a bit like the age old excuse when men don't step up until the child gets interesting, so they don't do nappies, or night times, or just looking after their baby. But once the child is walking, talking, kicking a football then they start parenting. Women don't get that choice. Why do we have such a low bar for men? Yes he isn't pregnant and so won't fully understand it, but that doesn't give them a pass to be an idiot or a useless fuckwit.

This ⬆️ 100% .
Why is the bar so low for men? Why do some women think it's ok?

He is clearly telling you that he would rather go on a lads trip, than be there for the birth of his first child. He would be more sad to miss the stag, than sad to miss the birth.

I would be seriously questioning his priorities and his vision of parenting going forwards.

FYI my first was born at 38w, completely straightforward pregnancy.

No husband or father-to-be worth the name would entertain going.

Op if he was on the wait list for a significant operation with a fairly high chance of being called over a set period would you even THINK of booking a holiday?

A sordid stag do in Ibiza! He’s preferring to act as if he’s an immature single man getting up to God knows what, to fit in with his peers. Shouldn’t be going even if you were not pregnant!

Good that you told your Mum and she's coming to help. I bet she is seething at your DH.

I personally couldn't forgive him this. He's showing you his priorities, and where you are in them. Its unforgiveable OP - for you, and for your unborn child, and he's shown you who and what he is. I'd get him gone now, before baby arrives.

I’m sorry op, but this is your preview to the type of parent he is going to be.
not to scare you, but it will also be his ‘big’ trip before becoming a father so he is going to go hard and do all sorts of shit.

sickening that he is calling you controlling. It’s already started.
please show him this thread when your mum comes over.
he needs to know what a bad father he is starting of as

What strikes me about this is that this guy thinks he is entitled to have some fun at a really crucial point in your lives together.

This entitlement for 'fun' seems to be a mainstay of many men. Women don't need fun, right? Are they even capable of having fun?

For some men, it isn't that they conveniently forget that women like to have fun, hobbies, no responsibilities, holidays, laughter etc. It's that those men genuinely believe, really deep down at a level that couldn't be reached even by a military-trained psychiatrist, that women don't want fun, or need it. They are fulfilled and satisfied by becoming mothers, by creating a home, by keeping the home running, organising clubs and activities for their children, helping with homework, cleaning the toilet, walking the dog.

And so those types of men feel this leaves plenty of space for them to take up time-consuming hobbies, like golf or cycling or training for a triathlon. Or going to Ibiza With The Lads because you're Ruining His Life (did you marry Kevin from Kevin & Perry?) and he wants to Have Fun and you just don't understand.

Of course, the timing means you can't have Ibiza fun right now Op because you're physically unable to - heavily pregnant, vulnerable, can't go on a bender, but it doesn't mean that you've ceased to exist as a PERSON. You still have wants and needs. Imagine if you were trying to arrange a last-minute trip on a hen's do to Ibiza at 38 weeks pregnant (suspending the fact that you wouldn't be able to fly for a second). What would he say? What would his reaction be? Laugh it off, initially, and then as it dawned on him that you were serious... Incredulity? Eyeing you up, pregnant tum and all, and thinking, 'how massively irresponsible. How selfish.'

What about later, when the baby's here and you're sleep-deprived and haven't had a shower and just need a break. Is he off down the pub? Or is he saying you need to shower and get down the pub with your friends and have a break? My money's on the former.

Join the queue. It is hard to find partners for young relatives these days.

I was in your position many years ago. exH couldn't really decide whether his priority should be the jury service he'd been called to, or to attend my elective caesarean for our first child, a much wanted, 2nd attempt at IVF, arrival. It was indicative of his utter narcissism that got worse over the years, hence now an exH. Looking back, we were probably never right for each other, but when you grow up together, you are often too young to realise/see or admit this. I know personally, I thought he'd grow up and change. He didn't, he got much, much, worse. Hope you get it sorted OP.

You can't stop him going, but you can be clear to him that its a red line for you and he's the only one that can decide if a stag do in ibiza is worth fucking up his whole relationship for. That if he cannot put you first and have your back when youre literally about to drop , and risk you facing childbirth alone, then you'll clearly never be able to rely on him.

Obviously a stag weekend in ibiza sounds amazing fun, and youre not pretending it doesn't, but its ridiculous what he is proposing

You appear to be married to an adolescent.

You shouldn't have to, god knows, but it's time to make it quite clear to him that you see he's happy for you to:

Go into labour alone while he's away

Fend for yourself, get yourself to hospital

Give birth without his support

Cope with anything that happens afterwards

And for himself to miss the chance to bond with his own baby in those first few days and take his share of newborn baby care.

Make it absolutely clear that if he goes - that is what he is saying to you.

Tell him to want to and to actively step up and see his path as partner and nearly-father as infinitely more important than being on the razz with his mates.

Maybe put it in a letter.

How he responds will give you a snapshot forecast of what your future life's going to be like with him.

It's crunch time.

(What does his mum say? If that were my son I'd be 😤)

Look I get the point that he won't be experiencing pregnancy first hand the way op is and won't be feeling exactly the same way. But you dont have to experience something to be sympathetic to how others are feeling and to support them. He's a grown adult, the concept of putting someone else's feelings above his own (let alone the person he is supposed to love most in the world, whom he has chosen to have a child with and hopefully spend the rest of his life with) shouldn't be beyond him.

Even if he doesn't feel the necessity of being there himself OP has been very clear that she wants (and needs) him there, and for any halfway decent partner that should be enough.

So i accept the possibility he might still be a good dad once the baby is here

But the way he's acting now means he is not a good partner, which IS concerning for the long term happiness and stability of them as a future family.

You can't completely separate the two roles. A man who doesn't support his child's mother when needed isn't as good a dad as one who does.

So you are 'controlling and paranoid' and 'trying to ruin his life' by suggesting he remains in the same country as his about-to-be-born baby and heavily pregnant (so barely mobile and very vunerable) wife?

I'm presuming by his reaction that he didn't want a child and you sneakily milked his sperm whilst he was asleep and got busy with a turkey baster as I can't believe that a man who actively wanted a child, took part in creating it and is about to become a father would act like this :(

My thought entirely - bit sad

Just a slightly separate thought. You say your partner so I'm assuming not married. Think very carefully about what surname you will give your baby if you don't share one. Anyone who can think to leave you this pregnant for a lads holiday and say you're ruining his life isn't possibly going to stick around.