To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

Wow that's one of the most selfish things I have ever read (your H obvs - not you!). How can someone who supposedly loves you not want to support you around this time, regardless of when baby actually arrives? I honestly can't get my head around it.

Just posting to say I hope you are okay. This is a lot to be going through at this stage in your pregnancy. He's making a crappy decision but you are right, at least you now know where you stand in his priorities. Which is incredibly painful for you. However hard it is, please just focus on yourself and the baby. X

Ah op I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking.

I think if I were in your shoes the damage would be already done in that:

• he seriously thinks this behaviour is OK and he's actually happy to potentially miss the birth of his child
• the fact he's prepared to leave you in quite an underhand way when you're the most vulnerable and dependent on him that you'll ever be
• that he's been manipulative and childish in his response to you challenging this instead of acting his age and stepping up as a husband and father to be
• the fact you'll always know he was prepared to do this and that you now know that you and your child are not a priority for him and that's a shadow over your relationship now.

I actually think I'd be raising this at your next appointment so the midwife or consultant can really bring this home to him.

I can understand him being gutted to miss out, and I can understand that for men sometimes it doesn't fully sink in that a baby is coming until it arrives because they don't have the same physical symptoms of pregnancy we go through - but he should be buzzing to become a dad, he should have been the one to say no way lads and be strong in his role as a man and a husband and a father without you having to chase this. It's also the fact that babies are expensive, you'll be on a reduced income and he's spending money on a lads holiday when most men would be saving.

He's really let you and himself down here, and he's shown you that he thinks he can bully you or sneak around you to get what he wants (at your expense and leaving you vulnerable) instead of working with you as a team.

Having a new baby is hard even on really solid couples- lack of sleep, lack of intimacy, lack of time together, lack of fun or variety in life, increase in responsibility all can grind people down and build resentment in a couple so this is something he needs to be prepared for and ready for or he's not going to be the best dad he can be.

If he's quietly freaking out then he needs to talk to you, or someone he trusts, he doesn't stealth book a lads holiday for the time when you could be in labour.

Personally op, I'd be listening very carefully to his behaviour and what he's shown you as opposed to his words and I'd be making sure you have a separate bank account with money you can leave with if you need to.

My ex started an affair the week I gave birth - never would have expected it of him and I was really glad I had money for myself to leave with ds and I never ever looked back. Utterly devastated at the time but it's doable and if you need to do it you will be just fine.

You want this man, you do not need him and he needs to act accordingly because being in a marriage with someone who loves you is a privilege for both people.

DH had a stag do in the UK and one in a city in Europe....it then meant it gave everyone chances to go to one they could manage for whatever reason or both (some did do both).

”He framed it like it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing - but I honestly can’t see how it trumps being here for your heavily pregnant partner.”

😂😂😂 once in a lifetime thing a piss up in Ibiza as opposed to the birth of your child 😂😂😂😂

He can go on a trip to Ibiza with the boys when they are drawing their pensions. But pretty sure you don’t get a chance at seeing your child being born again. Honestly I don’t know how you are so calm. I would be fuming and as I said before, if something were to go wrong then how would he ever live with that. He is a selfish arsehole. Time to grow up or fuck off.

Surely he can be flexible about it his best man?

OP, your instinct and need to have your partner close at 38 weeks is completely and utterly right and shared by every woman I know. To be honest, this isn't something that would have to be explained to most men, the vast majority of whom would themselves want to be close.. I personally wouldn't tell him what to do, but what he chose to do would influence my actions.
This is really selfish behaviour - caring so little about a heavily pregnant partner - I can't imagine that this character trait hasn't already reared its head in your relationship. Please make sure you have a good support circle around you now and particularly AFTER baby is born.

OP your husband is a twat.

Instead of your mum coming to you why don’t you go to hers? That way you can settle yourself up there, be surrounded by people you know (guessing it’s your hometown) and be away from your dickhead husband.

He should be definitely picking your mum up. Nice hard think on the way up why he’s having to drive an eight hour round trip….

The fact he’s gambling the slightest possibility of missing the birth of his child/not wanting to support you is really showing his real colours. This man has no conscience.

Ohhhhhhh dear, all I’ll say is get ready to be a married single mother 🥲🥲

This.

I can't believe that your DH would even think of going on a stag do this late in pregnancy. I would be so disappointed. In a few days, 37 weeks, you are considered full term and could go into labour at anytime. Your DH should be supporting you now and you should his priority before, during and whilst you recover from the birth of your child.

My DH travelled for work frequently but didn't fly once I reached 36 weeks, this was his choice.

This.

I can't believe that your DH would even think of going on a stag do this late in pregnancy. I would be so disappointed. In a few days, 37 weeks, you are considered full term and could go into labour at anytime. Your DH should be supporting you now and you should his priority before, during and whilst you recover from the birth of your child.

My DH travelled for work frequently but didn't fly once I reached 36 weeks, this was his choice.

Agree with everyone and hope you are ok OP

also - I’d be amazed if some of the MEN on the trip don’t say to him - ‘er what you doing here mate if your wife’s so pregnant’

I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. But he’s shown you who he is and that you can’t rely on him. Let him him on his stag do, going forward you put you to the top of the pile just like he’s doing now.

I think (and hope) there is truth in this wise and measured response.

Even without the risks of labour and missing the birth at 38 weeks, more women than not are very tired and uncomfortable and in need of more support than usual. Each week gets more draining quite rapidly.

Admittedly I was huge, but by 38 weeks I could no longer stand at the sink to do jobs like washing up because my SPD pelvis couldn't cope with leaning forwards to reach the taps longer than it took to fill a glass. At 36 weeks I conceded that I could no longer fit behind the steering wheel to drive after months of my bump rubbing the steering wheel. I couldn't leave the house to go anywhere solo because I couldn't walk 400m to the bus stop.

The fact that he's recently booked it is worse than if it was booked prior to pregnancy or even at an early stage when dates still seemed distant and abstract (and that would still have been twatty once pregnancy was known)

What's the plan for the wedding? Surely that will fall around the time you have a new born baby/ recovering. How flexible is he about prioritising your needs for that?

I really hope that he has a change of perspective about his attitude, and do not make choices about any future siblings lightly.

I am so sorry that you are going through this at a time when he should be waiting on you hand, foot and finger.

There is I believe a Russian saying that once you get married you might as well get pregnant as you already have one baby. Fortunately many men do grow up/step up once they realise what childbirth involves and the child arrives. I hope that at some point very soon yours does, and realises that a party in Ibiza is much less significant and infinitely less 'once in a lifetime' than the birth of your very first child.

Does his mum know he is planning this? She might talk some sense into him.

BTW I read your post to my OH who said ' what a fecking knob'

Sending you all best wishes. I hope that he comes to his senses very soon, and that you are able to forgive him.

I'm sorry but I agree with those saying it doesn't bode well for the future when you have a screaming newborn at home.

I'd tell him that if he goes to not bother coming back.

Me too. And I always end up ranting about men to my lovely husband who is the kindest, sweetest person who ever lived and he sits there patiently waiting for me to finish 😅

Why should her mum step in for her actual husband/ the FATHER OF THE CHILD?

I had my first at 38 weeks.

YANBU. To be honest he sounds incredibly selfish, immature and horrible. Gaslighting you and guilt tripping you to get his own way. Pathetic. I’d be ending the relationship at this stage and being a single parent - the birth included.

Let him go, in fact pack his bag for him and whilst his gone change the locks. If you give birth whilst his gone don't tell him, wait for him to notice. Sod him, sorry my ex had this type of behaviour and now lives in the pub

My DH didn't go to his best mates stag weekend as he was well aware baby could come any time, I was 37 weeks, baby came a week later.

I'm glad your mum is coming to stay, I hope it doesn't make your DH feel justified in going, though he's being such a twat, he probably will.

Honestly it's cringe-worthy to be going on some Kevin and Perry piss up in Ibiza, when he's 34 and due to be a dad very soon.

My eldest arrived at 38 and a half weeks. My youngest was a day ‘late’.

"Instead of your mum coming to you why don’t you go to hers? That way you can settle yourself up there, be surrounded by people you know (guessing it’s your hometown) and be away from your dickhead husband."

Because her healthcare team is where she is. They know her history. It's very different than just showing up at a different hospital in labour when they don't have your medical history and records.