To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I couldn't read this and not send a note of support to you OP. I don't think it's even about whether you go into labour while he's away, it's about him being there with you to help you, protect you, calm you, care for you and his baby, in the last days/weeks before you give birth. Anything could or couldn't happen but why doesn't he want to be with you while you're in the most vulnerable time? You might not give birth but why wouldn't he want to be the one to rush you in for a last minute check up if you felt something wasn't right, or to take the pressure off you if you needed it, protecting his baby and you. I cannot get my head around his thought process. Ibiza will still be a party island in 1, 2, 3 years time.

Very glad your mum is travelling to be with you. And you have so much support here when you need it

Assuming his mate is roughly the same age, this is the reality of getting married in your 30s. Some people can't make it because they have family commitments. Your DH needs to start accepting that life is changing and he can't be footloose and fancy free.

What's you DH plan if you go into labour while he's whooping it up in Ibiza? Is he going to get an earlier flight or carry on partying???

You are NOT being unreasonable in expecting him to give the stag party a miss.

.....and breathe. You are right though 😊

Ask this man child for his list of priorities. Wife, baby, parents, siblings, work, bloke he's known for years but only meets up with twice a year, piss up in Ibiza. Or is his list different?

There are only one thing under discussion that is once in a lifetime. Everything else is something you get another stab at. The birth of your first child. Imagine talking about missing the birth of your first child and saying it was because GOING TO IBIZA is a once in a lifetime thing.

(For most men supporting their partner through the last month of their first pregnancy is also a once in a lifetime thing, as she will be tired and painful and frightened usually as she’s never done this huge thing before, but he seems to be making a solid tilt at that being a multiple times in a lifetime thing as he might marry again after he irretrievably fucks up his first marriage.)

wow what a dick!!

both my pregnancies I had issues from 36 weeks in and out of hospital for growth scans, monitoring, was told to have my bag ready as any visit could be me being brough in for induction or c section!

It's an uncertain time

I think you are right just leave it now its his decision but if he misses the birth of his first child it's unforgivable when he chose to leave the country so close to the birth

it really doesn't seem off to a good start as a family man!

Once in a lifetime trip..🤦‍♀️ it's a once in a lifetime you're having your first baby together.
I think the Sabrina carpenter song sums up your other half quite well.. MANCHILD

seriously though OP he's an idiot and selfish. You are about to drop and babies will come whenever they want. I was 6 days early, another friend was 4 weeks early, my niece was 3 weeks early.. all first babies. Come to think if it most of my friends were early.. only one was late I think.

if he goes I think you genuinely need to look at your future with him. I'm glad you are making back up plans for birth and your mum is coming to see you. Focus on you and the baby ❤️

My friend's first grandchild just arrived at 31 weeks...... Hmmmmm
He's being unreasonable, and he knows this

If he goes yu will know where you stand OP, and tbh even if he doesn't I think you know given how he has reacted.
Focus on having your baby and start planning, because you need to enter motherhood with your eyes open.
Is your employment secure and do you have good RL support around you?

So my baby was over 6 weeks old by '38 weeks' so I probably am a bit skewed but this would be a deal breaker for me.

He'd be welcome to go, of course, he's a grown adult and he's allowed to make his own life choices, but he would find that he was no longer my birth partner or life partner on his return, whether I'd given birth by then or not.

I'm sorry this is happening to you x

I’d tell him to go and not come back. Any man that says you are ruining his life when you are about to birth his child needs gone imo.

OP I want to say something because I think you may be freaking out right now about what kind of man you are with. Many men are absolute idiots during pregnancy and have no concept of what's going on. You are a mother for 9 months before he will be a Dad. My dh showed no interest in understanding the foetus or my body or organising things, he said really stupid things like this baby won't affect our lifestyle etc. If he was your Dh he would have gone to Ibiza without thought. I was disappointed frustrated and very lonely in late pg but the minute he met the baby he absolutely fell in love and stepped up. I know many others who say the same. Only you know your DP but try to remember the way he is now does not mean he will be a useless dad that needs discarding. Maybe he will but you don't know that yet.

DD was our first baby and came at 36+6…. They absolutely can and do come early.

Id not even be keen on a UK stag do that late, unless in our town so he could leave if need be. Abroad is completely unreasonable.

I'm not sure I could ever trust him again after that conversation. So sorry OP. I hope the rest of your pregnancy and the birth goes well for you.

This

Honestly tell him to go! But to pack all his stuff and don’t bother coming back. Such a selfish manchild. Yea it’s a shame to miss out on fun events but that’s life and it’s especially life with kids!

At this point I would go into action mode, sorting everything you possibly can for yourself to have an easy time of it if he is not there. If there is a hotel opposite the hospital I'd get a room for you and possibly your mum / a labour partner as soon as labor starts. Do you have any professional doulas in your area? Night nannies for the day after you give birth and are knackered and need help?

I'm assuming if he can afford the flight and hotels in Ibiza he can afford these things too.

And I'd proceed as if you'll be doing everything on your own thereafter.

Not to add to the frenzy, but I also had my first child, a son at 37.5 weeks. It took 16 hours from water breaking to baby in arms. And I was 37 yrs old and it was a V birth. I almost bled to death after, so having my DH in the room, to hold our son, was helpful. But if you're in hospital you'll have enough hands on deck anyway.

Good luck to you.

My first was born (perfectly healthy and naturally) at 37 weeks 6 days. We were back home 6 hours after the birth. Your DH is a bad egg I’m afraid.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you are about to have your second baby. Do not put up with this behaviour as it will not get any better once the baby has arrived.
My husband’s work asked him to go on a last minute 36 hour trip to Sweden when I was 38 weeks pregnant and he refused, My waters broke about 4 hours later

A ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’ going to Ibiza with his mates, vs seeing the birth of your first child! Errrr he sounds like a bit of a bellend

O P had to pick up on your DH saying you are trying to ruin his life.
Poor diddums!
And here you were thinking you and baby may be in a more precarious position - all alone!!

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid
You're not.

because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it.
Who made him the expert on childbirth?
Are all his mates' wives going to be 38 weeks pregnant with their first child when the stag do is?

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but m trying to ruin his life.
He's trying to ruin his own life.

If I were you, I'd let him go, and see a divorce lawyer.

This. I'm sorry. You're stuck now. I honestly think you have to prepare to be a single parent. In substance even if you stay together.

Is there any chance this is a completely out of character mental breakdown?

I think I'd be preparing to move to my mums amd have the baby without him. It's your only choice if he goes to ibiza.

He framed it like it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing

How many times does he think his first child will be born??

I’m usually in the LTB camp, but this is reasonable and balanced. OP, I hope your DH comes to his senses and stays home, but I don’t think the doomsday comments are what you need right now.