To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

I don’t believe for one minute that this was only planned recently btw. You only found out recently.

My exH went to a stag do abroad when I was heavily pregnant. Note he is EX.
It was a good indication of how awful he went on to be.
Insist he stays home. See what happens.

I bet he did want the baby, in theory, even did the decorating and naming thinking. But, and it's a big BUT, then something more interesting came along.
Sorry, OP, you lost me at 'ruining his life'.

Whoever invented overseas stag/hen parties needs shooting, they cause so much trouble

@Featureso I am so sorry that your husband is such an immature man-baby. It doesn't sound like he is going to be any support to you either now, or in the future after your baby has arrived.

I asked my DH for his views and he said, that the situation is ridiculous, your Husband shouldn't even WANT to go abroad for 4 days and there must be something far wrong with him for even wanting to go when you are so close to having your baby. This is from a man who took on my two kids, as a step parent, but has never had any children of his own and even he understands what a complete w*er your husband is being

Yes, he did actually say I was trying to “ruin his life”

Well DH, you should have thought about that when we agreed to TTC.

I have to be honest OP,I read with utter dismay and disgust your quote from him about 'ruining his life'. That kind of talk is just contemptible - at a time when you are facing the undergoing of pain & risk to bring his child into the world! I am so sorry you had to listen to that.

I am really glad your mother is coming to see you as your 'D'H is so utterly failing to support you. No way should he be going on this trip. And to plan it all behind your back with not even an attempt to arrange support for you while he is away - he is either culpably ignorant or he just doesn't care.

My 1st baby also arrived early, at 28 weeks. I had an uneventful pregnancy, felt a little unwell at work one day so contacted the hospital who told me to come in straightaway. As soon as I was there they diagnosed pre-eclampsia & I had a CS that same day.

I am telling my story not to alarm you (all was well in the end), just to make the point that a baby's arrival is unpredictable & things can change so quickly. You really need to be looked after at this time as you are vulnerable - as 'D'H has now so egregiously let you down please try to arrange the support you need instead.

'My mother is coming to stay. She shouldn't have to, but she will, because she is concerned for me and our child. If you prioritise your piss up, of which there will be many of in the future, over the birth of your first child, then we need to have a discussion about our marriage. If you miss the birth of our child, I will never be able to forgive you, and you will have missed the most special moment of your life. The choice is yours'

Yes, especially if it's his "best mate".

OR, it HAS been planned last minute and he's sulking like a baby because he knows perfectly well that he should say no.

I hate posts like this because it makes me hate men. which isn't fair.

@Featureso I’m sorry you are being put in this position.

When you next speak to him I think you need to lay out the situation and specifically the implications very clearly.

1. First babies are not always late. Like other posters I was 37 weeks.
2. What are his plans if the baby is born before the holiday, especially just before it? Does he intend to go away leaving you with a baby potentially just a few days old?
3. If you go into labour whilst he is away there is zero chance he will make it back in time. Has he considered that every birthday your child has you will automatically be reminded of his actions and priorities?
4. While the likihood of the birth going well is high, what if there are complications? What if key medical decisions need to be made? I assume he is comfortable delegating those choices solely to you (assuming you are able) and for you in turn to be without his support at a difficult time?

I cannot see that he has considered the long term implications of this decision.

Even if all is well and baby is born at 40 weeks, personally I’d find it very difficult to forgive him for taking such a huge gamble by going away.

In all honesty I’m pretty sure I couldn’t forgive because he’d demonstrated that he couldn’t be relied upon as a partner or father, so this baby with him would be the first and last and the next bag I’d be packing after my maternity one, would be his to leave outside the front door on his return from his stag do.

You shouldn’t have to be “telling him”!

Tell him “do what you have to do” and walk away from the conversation. If he is a decent person he will make the correct decision not to go. If he does go, you know what and who you’re dealing with.

If you tell him he cannot go, he will always hold it against you if the baby doesn’t come until 40 weeks.

YANBU

My first was born at 38 weeks exactly.

The fact he wants to go is a big red flag in my opinion.

It’s not just about the baby coming early. All sorts could happen. I fell down the stairs at 38 weeks. A few days later had no movement for 5 hours and had to go to the hospital to be monitored.

Of course lots of women have no issues but some do.

I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to be close by just in case. If it was 1 over night in the uk then that would be a completely different story.

Yes and I do wonder how many of his friends' wives/partners would be 'fine' about the trip if they were about to give birth .......

Your 4th point is a big one. And what if, god forbid, OP is incapacitated and decisions need to be made about her and/or baby. He’s okay with OP’s mum or a friend making choices in his absence? It’s worst case scenario for sure but most of us know someone whose labour and delivery didn’t go perfectly smooth.

Anything from 38 weeks is perfectly normal, my first was 38 + 3 and the woman in the next bed was 38 something as well - it’s far from an exact science and I was in denial until they said I was off to be admitted as I too completely believe first babies were always late. If I was being super generous to him I don’t think some guys don’t come to terms with how life has changed until after they see the baby (unlike us who have to change what we do / eat / drink from the moment of a positive test) and possibly he’s freaking out if his mates are winding him up. Struggling with the ‘ruining his life’ bit though 😡 Really hope he is being a tool and steps up, but if he remains a man child remember you can do this and he’s the one missing out.

Absolutely no way. My first baby had to be an induction at 38 weeks on the dot as my placenta suddenly stopped working!

Tell him to go.
Arrange your family and friends to support you.
Hope the baby arrives when he is away and misses it. Let him know when you go into labour and then don’t give him any further updates after that. Let him stew.
Actually ignore that advice, had to get it off my chest as I’m cross for you.
He’s a prick and a selfish one at that.
Don’t think you’ll forget his attitude.

As a dad of 3, I have never and would never have even considered this. Especially with my first - I wanted to be there and not miss a thing

Not read the full thread however with my first my waters went at 37+6 and DD was born the following day. I also believed that first babies never arrived on time and I presumed I’d be going in for an induction at 42 weeks to get her out! No way would I be okay with this.

Im normally a bit eye rolly at these posts where the woman is 20 weeks pg, or if the DC is a few months old. But going on a lads holiday when his partner, the mother of his child, will be 38 weeks pg takes the literal piss and that would really change what I thought of him.

I will say, if hes bold enough to do this, and/or he honestly cant see what a horrible person this makes him, he'll do something similarly shocking again and think nothing of it.

perhaps quietly, the partners of his friends, and possibly some of his friends, will shocked at his behaviour.

Im sorry hes doing this to you op.

Yanbu. I’m sad for you OP. BTW all three of my babies came at week 38

YANBU at all! My first came at 38 weeks. No way would my DH be going away at that stage of pregnancy, not even in the UK never mind abroad.

OP, do his relatives know about this, and if so, what are their reactions?