To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

36 weeks is technically considered full term. As in... your baby would not be premature if it arrived at that time.
He is being a selfish twat.

I'm also doubting this was in any way 'last minute'. Ibiza, in August? And how much is that costing given you've got a baby on the way? Selfish, ridiculous arsehole of a man.

I don’t even know what to say. I’ve had to put my phone down a few times reading through these replies, it’s all just hit me in a way it hadn’t before. Thank you so much to everyone who’s taken the time to respond – honestly, it means more than I can say.

A few of you have said it’s not just what he’s doing but that he wants to do it – and I think that’s really stuck with me. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t even consider leaving him at such a vulnerable time, let alone argue about it or try to make him feel like a burden. That’s been hard to swallow.

He’s back later tonight (ironic again) and I think I am going to show him this thread. Not as a “gotcha” but because I genuinely think he’s in some weird little bubble where he thinks this is normal and fine and that I’m just hormonal and overreacting. I want him to see how this reads to other people.

I haven’t told my mum anything yet – I didn’t want to worry her – but I think I might ask her to come and stay for a few days, just in case. The idea of being alone while he’s off partying is making me feel really panicked now. I also booked an antenatal class this morning (last minute panic!) so hopefully that helps too.

Still haven’t packed my hospital bag. Will do that today.

Thanks again everyone – I don’t feel so crazy now. Just sad.

He only told me earlier this week, and I think I just went into a bit of shock.

I assumed when I started reading that you were maybe 3 months pregnant, and that this was all set up a couple of months ago when nobody knew and the holiday was months away.

Something planned so last minute suggests he would just rather go on holiday than support you.

Yes. This. It doesn't bode well for the future.

At 38 weeks both of mine were almost 3 weeks old!

Did he actually use the phrase "ruining his life"? I'd be seriously reconsidering my future with this man child. He's never going to put you or his child first.

It's far too close to your due date to be out of the country. Lots of first babies come early, and even if the baby doesn't he should be looking after you. Even if it was local I'd say he shouldn't be drinking. I'm amazed he even had the audacity to ask.

What a knob, tell him to grow up. Actually if he's going to talk to you like a spoilt teenager tell his mum. X

"but I think I might ask her to come and stay for a few days, just in case. "

This is a really good idea. This is not a time where it's a good idea for you to be alone. Does she drive?

Go ahead and pack your bag. You need to be ready for anything coming up. Get support wherever you can.

This guy doesn’t even deserve you to be their when he gets back if he’s going to act like this what a bellend if he goes pack your bags and leave and tell him jokes on him acting like a twat

My husband went to a festival when I was 35 weeks pregnant- he wasnt going to go but I insisted as it felt aaaages before the baby was due and I wanted him to have a last hurrah. He had a great time (it was UK and he kept constantly in touch) but I gave birth 4 weeks early 3 days after he was back out the blue!

It would be a hard no from me and he's incredibly selfish to consider it tbh.

This is awful op. Even if he hopefully doesn't go I bet it's put a dampener on the whole thing as no doubt he'll feel resentment and you'll be disappointed at having to tell him what to do.

The issue shouldn't ever even have come up, he should have realised all by himself that you don't go on a stag trip abroad whilst dp is about to give birth.

Good luck with your baby and I really hope this is just a one off blip and he isn't usually a selfish prat

I actually asked my DH whether we were being female centric and over sensitive in all feeling that OP’s DH was out of order.

He likes a good drink and goes away with mates twice a year (very boozy sports based trips with 8-12 lads), and has done so for more than 30 years now, being in his 50’s. He was horrified. In fact he said, ‘even if OP was only 35-36 weeks along’ he still feels it would be too close to the due date to leave her. He felt there is not a single man among his mates (some of whom have been guilty of serious fuckwittery in the last 3 decades) who would feel any differently to him… and he would think very little any of them if they chose to come on boys tour when their wife needed them for pregnancy/operations etc.

OP, your DH is being a w@nker, to quote my DH. I hope he reads this. And that he sees that it highlights that there are still masses of opportunities to go away with the boys (or girls for the mums) once you become a parent, but some years you have to prioritise your partner and kids and accept there will be another trip next year.

Please take support from all of us on here.
Just a thought, if you tell us broadly where you live, there maybe someone fairly local who could check on you and give you a lift if you pm them? I'm retired, I have a car and am pretty flexible.
Just a thought.
Now pack your bag and leave it by the front door!

If my DH had insisted on doing this I would have divorced him.

I'm not joking either

Hope he sees sense and puts you first

I wondered this. I was still driving at 42 weeks pregnant, and he was nearly 9lb.

He shouldn’t want to go, to an event he would enjoy only at the expense of knowing you are alone and scared at home, feeling abandoned, and that he might miss the birth of his first child.

I don’t think you should forbid him to go, though, because that makes you the baddy. Just tell him how him wanting to go makes you feel. If he still goes ahead so be it but I’m afraid I don’t rate your future prospects of happy family life very highly.

Yes, show him this thread so he knows how many people think he is childish and despicable.

What a complete twat. My first baby came at 36 weeks and labour was 1 hour ten mins and second 38 weeks and 45 min labour. Not all babies are late. I can't believe he'd risk missing the birth of his first child to go get out his face in in Ibiza.

Unfortunately I think this'll be a sign of things to come.

I know THIS. Sadly if he goes or stays home and sulks for 4 days because you didn't give birth your relationship will never get over this - it will always be the little worm that won't disappear for one or both of you. I'm so sorry.

@Featureso sounds like he's not going to like it when the baby shows up at all

Given that he is so dismissive of how you feel and your explanations, I would get someone else to talk to him about this. His parents maybe, or bring him to a midwife appointment and have the midwife tell him anything could happen from 38 weeks. So he knows it's not just you trying to ruin his life or whatever.

*To avoid comments from people saying this shouldn't be needed, I know.

I couldn’t drive from 36 weeks - prolapse, couldn’t get in and out of the car unaided, though could drive it ok when in.

The fact it has only just been booked is even worse - he could have said any number of things to the groom like “this is really close to the due date - no way can I go then, can we go sooner or later?” Or maybe he doesn’t know groom well enough. In which case - either talk to you and see how you felt, or not go. As for the other wives being ok with it - unlikely in your shoes, if due imminently @Featureso

YANBU.
FWIW both of mine came before 38 weeks x