To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

This. Sounds like even if he does reluctantly cancel he'll be moaning about it forever, and will be glaring at you and making pointed comments if you haven't gone into labour by the end of the stag do, which will probably stress and upset you - not good for you or baby, let alone your relationship.

He sounds awful. Wanting to go at all is already ridiculous - I can't imagine many first time dads would even consider this as a possibility. Booking it behind your back is hardly indicative of a healthy relationship, and then moaning about it being his 'last chance to have fun' - wow really sounds like he can't wait to be a dad!

It wouldn't be as bad if it had been something booked for ages before you got pregnant and he'd been looking forward to it and feeling guilty about letting his mate down - although I maintain all decent men would still do so without a second thought. But he's literally decided to book it last minute!

My dh would not have even thought about it. He gave up drinking completely at 34 weeks each time. One baby arrived at 34.2 and one at 38.1.
Tell your dh to grow up. He can do a smaller version of the stag do a few weeks earlier at home.

This

Its not about his feelings but his responsibilities and need to care for and support OP.

Ruining his life? Is he 12? He sounds like Kevin the teenager! 😅

Yup, your problem is that he wants to do this. He actually booked it for then at short notice. My husband would never have wanted to risk missing the birth of any of his children.

No point stopping him, in his head, he comes first and that's that and you're just the thorn in the side of his fun.

I think this tells you a lot about your future together tbh.

I can't believe he would even entertain the possibility of going.

It's not like you're going to the dentist to have a filling or something, you're having a baby! It's a major medical event and you need someone to be there for you and to advocate for you if you're unable. The birth might be quick and easy, it might be long and complicated, and he's considering abandoning you for a piss up.

Can you even imagine the gaul that takes!

And I bet he's the sort than needs looking after through man-flu and would be raging if you left for a holiday while he was having a medical event.

I'd be needing a major apology and a massive change in attitude/behaviour from him. I'd also be preparing for him to be completely useless and mentally prepared to be a single mother.

I really hope you show him the thread OP so he realises that he’s being an unreasonable selfish arsehole!

My first arrived bang on 38 weeks, my DH drove me to the hospital as I had a bleed and felt funnny. I went into labour through the night, baby arrived the next afternoon. It happened fast. After birth I wasn’t too well and DH had to take over with the baby as I wasn’t able to.

When you put that he said you’re trying to ruin his life, he didn’t tell you because he knew you would be like this and the other wives were fine. I literally thought is he 15? Because this is the shit you say to your mum or dad as a CHILD when you’ve tried to do something you shouldn’t and been caught!

I think you need to get quite tough when you speak to him but try and stay calm with how you speak to him. Tell him you can’t believe he thinks any of this is okay. You couldn’t care less what the other wives think as they’re not going to be 38 weeks pregnant. That it isn’t as simple as just jumping on a flight if the baby is on its way. Flights aren’t like Ubers. And it isn’t about what he is going for, the fact is by not being here, he is risking missing the birth of his child and putting you at risk if things don’t go to plan.

If he argues don’t even get into tit for tat as I’d be telling him you’ve said all that needs saying and it’s up to him but he needs to think carefully about next steps.

If he still wants to go after you’ve outlined the risks then I’m sorry but if it was me I would have to say go but don’t bother coming back. I wouldn’t be able to accept that from my DH. It is that unreasonable. It would be a dealbreaker.

Some pp’s have said he will bring it up in the future at every argument but honestly if he does I’d be thinking that he hasn’t grasped the issue at hand at all and would feel he’s not mature enough to stay with

The fact that he’s causing you this stress in the first place when you are a few weeks from giving birth. ‘Trying to ruin his life’ - he really needs to grow up.

With my first, my waters broke at 38 plus 4. What followed was stressful enough with my dh, I'm not sure I would have forgiven him had I been forced to go it alone because he'd gone drinking in Ibiza.

No absolutely not and I’d be concerned that this is just the start of his behaviour.

He’s shown you his true colours and the baby hasn’t even been born!

Good grief, I’m usually on the more laid back end of the spectrum on these threads but absolutely not, 38 weeks is far too close for him being in another country getting pissed for four days. I’m surprised it even crossed his mind, let alone went any further! No way my DH would even have considered it. I really hope this is just a one-off thing and not a sign of things to come.

Your husband is wrong. First babies often do come on time or early.

A four day stag do abroad is ridiculous for a grown up married man with a pregnant wife, there's something unwholesome about him even wanting to. That's a single lad thing. A night out in the same country, meal and pub, fine but not jetting off leaving responsibilities behind. It would be different if you were not pregnant, then you'd be free to have all girl jollies occasionally but not now.

It's also an unnecessary expense at a time when you probably need to conserve money (unless you are very well off).

Tell him to grow up.

He thinks you are ruining his life! How old is he, 5? Good luck raising that 34 year old man baby!

He is in denial about the realities of late pregnancy and birth. Speaking as he did to OP is on another level though. How dare he cause her anxiety like this. OP it must be so overwhelming at the moment. Take time out to be quiet on your own without striving mentally for an answer, and hopefully you will know what is the right thing to do about your relationship going forward. Wishing you well for the birth and arrival of your lovely DC.🌺

@Featureso

Can you please ask your DH what he plans to do about the trip if your baby is born before he is due to leave?

Will he still go and leave you with a brand newborn baby?

Because it's a possibility.

Totally agree with this, don't expect much input when the baby arrives.
He's live will really 'be ruined ' then. What a complete twat he really is.
Sinlgle motherhood is a real posibility here OP, just be prepared, I've been through a similar situation.

You already know this OP but everything can go to shit real fast in the last few weeks of pregnancy. Even if the baby doesn't arrive at 38 weeks, you're still very likely to find yourself spending time in hospital for one thing or another and may develop serious complications like pre-eclampsia. To be honest, the baby arriving is one of the least scary parts about being that pregnant, trust me. I'd die on this hill if I was you, either he stays and acts like a father or he isn't on the birth certificate. The fact you're having to convince him and he isn't coming to this conclusion himself is appalling.

This is all so last minute I wonder if he’s been offered the place because someone else dropped out? So not that close a mate, then…

You shouldn't have to tell him, he should realise it for himself and do the right thing.

My DH works all over the UK but actually took 2 weeks off when I was 38 weeks, just in case. And not because I told him to, but because he desperately wanted to be at the birth.

If he was that good a mate then the stag do wouldn’t be organised with this timing.

My fear for you OP is that this is a sign of things to come, that you and your child will never be his first priority.

My first baby measured small, and they expected my due date to potentially go over - she actually came at 36.5 weeks. So no, 38 weeks is far too close. He’s being a selfish idiot.

He's being very selfish. I was 29 weeks pregnant when my husband's invited to a stag and wedding abroad. He declined as he needed to take care of me. Your husband is wrong and should not go.

@Featureso giving birth is the most dangerous thing that most women ever do.
My dm was a midwife, one woman was quite distressed in labour. Her dh told her that giving birth was only natural.
My dm said ‘ so is dying but it’s not very pleasant is it.’

Imagine if your dh was going into hospital to have surgery and you took yourself to Ibiza for 4 days. He’d be full of righteous indignation.
He needs to sort out his priorities.

You shouldn't have to "tell" him. A grown up would realise that it's unreasonable. What a baby.