To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

You poor thing. At 38 weeks I had to stop working as I could no longer walk the 2 minute walk from the train station to the bus stop it was that exhausting. DH would get in from work and cook for me, do jobs and barely let me lift a finger out of concern for my health (I was extremely big towards end of pregnancy and very anaemic). At 38 weeks I also had times where I couldn’t feel kicks and had panicked rushes to the maternity unit for checks and I’d have struggled without the support there.

How unbelievably selfish of him. It’s crap to miss out on stuff sure, but you’re weeks away from the biggest change you’ve probably had thus far in both your lives and going off to LARP as a 21 year-old on a boozy trip to Ibiza would make my skin crawl. I’m sure his mates’ partners aren’t bothered because they’re not literally about to give birth! You’re not in the wrong here and I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship if my husband couldn’t forgo one trip for my sake.

Please do send him a link to this thread.

The trouble is he should want to stay and if he doesn’t then you can’t dictate to him he can’t go.
He’ll be a total man baby if you manage to get him to stay, sulk and been unbearable.
I would stop asking him to stay but make it clear by him choosing to go he’s making it clear what his priorities are.
I would put a plan in place that doesn’t involve him based on him being away and hopefully you won’t need to implement it, a close friend on standby and the number of someone able to drive you/taxi.
All my babies were late but several friends had theirs early, I can’t believe this is the first time he has shown such selfishness, but now you are on notice that he is somewhat unreliable.

Also just to add, the fact that he thinks is acceptable at all would be very worrying (even if he decides not to go) He's showing you that a piss up is more important than being there for his family. If I were you, I'd go to your mother's if possible and tell him if he chooses to go that he won't be there for the birthday whenever it happens, as you need someone who will prioritise you to be with you.

You can probably make him cancel but then he would still have chosen to go and prioritise the trip over you and your baby and I am not sure how you can get past that.
He shouldn't even be considering it, he should have said "sorry lads too close to babys due date"

Sorry to say it, but I’d start preparing to be a single parent @Featureso. Your DH doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be a decent father. In case you show him the thread:

Mr Features - your best mate can always have another stag party or even another wedding, if this one fails. You will never have another chance to see your first child being born. Your wife is risking her health and body to have this baby which you both chose to have. She needs your support, respect and kindness now and always. It’s time to decide exactly what your priorities are and to finally grow up.

I wouldn't make the decision for him, he's an adult and it's up to him.

If he decides to go I would be very clear about how much respect you have lost for him and how you'd hope he wouldn't treat you this way during a very vulnerable time

Potentially missing your child’s birth and not being there for your partner- her having to give birth without your support….

For a fucking stag.

Tell him that if he goes it’s over. End of. What a waste of human skin.

I think the only way I'd be comfortable with this would be if someone could come and babysit me the whole time DH was away. But then DC 1 & 2 were born at 36 and 37 weeks (4 hour labours from first twinge to babies) and dc3 arrived in under 30 minutes and was delivered by my DH before ambulance and midwife arrived.

Let him go, if he wanted to be a supportive partner he would be, if he didn't want to miss the life changing event of watching his first child's arrive into the world he would make that a priority, instead he is making himself an embarrassment as how can he explain his reasoning behind this to friends and family?????

I agree I would make it clear it is of course up to him if he goes but it is up to you how you respond to that and exactly what he is telling you and how he will be when the baby is here

we can’t always get what we want and with children there is more often than not sacrifices that come with it such as not being able to do things you did before. Either he gets that or he won’t and if he doesn’t you have your answer

Honestly, OP, I'm horrified at how he's acting. My son's dad wasn't exactly a prince (he's my ex now), and our son wasn't even his first child, but he was present and excited all through my pregnancy, and even stopped going on lads nights out towards the end because he didn't want to risk being drunk or hungover when I went into labour.

This man needs to learn and needs to learn fast that having a child means putting your hobbies, wants and needs second. You cannot just swan off to Ibiza.

This starts from the moment you're pregnant by the way not after the baby is born.

Definitely too close and not worth the risk. I went into labour with DD at 38 weeks (our first and only), no signs at all until I started getting contractions and she was here 24 hours later!

There is absolutely no guarantees he would get back in time in peak holiday season.

Sorry you are having this stress while heavily pregnant. It really shouldn’t even be considered that he go away so late in the pregnancy!

Another thing that would concern me is if he does agree not to go and then if you don’t go into labour during the stag do dates - would he hold that over you and blame you for that?

I think that he doesn’t really deserve it but to be fair to herself the op needs to explain that nothing will ever be the same if he goes. He thinks he can go and return and of course she wont have had the baby, because that would spoil his fun. But actually if he goes she knows she can’t trust him to be there for her or the baby. And if she’s had the baby, then they are over and he’s single.

Oh dear, you're in a lose lose situation here.
If he stays and the baby comes after 38 weeks, all you'll get is 'I told you so" and he will be forever, full of resentment for you. Oh and it will be brought up in every argument forevermore....
If he goes and you go into labour whilst he's away, you'll never forgive him.

I'd send him on his merry way and use those 4 days to get copies of everything ready for your ducks in a row.....

Also, even if he manages to go and come back without missing the birth, what sort of state is he going to be in when he gets back after the four day bender? You need a lot of stamina in those first few weeks (even the man!) because you likely lose sleep during the labour and then you don't, as a rule, get a chance to recuperate. It's hardly preparing to support you, is it?
And is he taking annual leave to go on this trip? Annual leave that could possibly be used when you have a baby and need some respite. Pfff.

Wow. Yeah, you shouldn't be telling him he can't go because he should never in a million years have signed up for it in the first place! Neither of you have the first clue when you'll go into labour or how long the labour will be so for him to just flippantly say that he'll come back if you need him is just shocking.

I've read enough "partner was previously decent, then I gave birth and he turned into a rubbish excuse for a human being" posts here to tell you to be on your guard. If he's willing to risk you giving birth alone, what is going to happen when the baby arrives? I would be using this time to do everything you can to build a support network. If you have no local family, are you in touch with local groups for new parents? You may find them an invaluable source of support.

This is a very good point.

Oh OP that’s such a shame, and I feel really sad for you. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Of course he should be at home with you - to support you but equally I can’t wrap my head around why he would risk missing the arrival of his new baby. All for a weekend of drinking with the lads? That’s terribly sad.

You and your baby deserve a lot better and I hope he sees that. My husband wouldn’t even dream of behaving like this.

Sending hugs and congratulations to you OP on your pregnancy, you sound like you’ll be a fabulous mum and baby is lucky to have you. Xx

WT-actual-F have I just read?! Astonishing. And not in a good way.

What an absolute copper-bottomed bellend your husband is. At the most vulnerable time of your life, when you need to feel secure and supported, he has put his selfish wants above you and your babies actual, physical needs.

And he had the gaul to accuse you of “ruining his life”?! What are you, his Mummy and you won’t let him go out with his teenage friends? Flaming Nora.

I almost have no words. My ex-husband turned out to a lying, cheating, selfish dick-wipe, but he never for a second actually planned to possibly miss the birth of DC. As it turned out, his presence and the fact he advocated strongly on my behalf - when I was delirious with pain - is a major factor in both DC and I actually being here today.

I wouldn’t bother even trying to ‘tell’ him that he can’t go. The real issue here is that he WANTS to go. You and your baby should be his top priority, no questions asked. Ultimately, he’s going to do whatever he wants to do. But, I would expect this to have real implications and repercussions for your relationship further down the line. If he lets you down so severely, at such a crucial and vulnerable time, then your opinion/view of him will be forever altered. He’ll no longer be your secure, safe place, you won’t feel like you can trust in him as he’s clearly demonstrated that his priorities are completely messed up.

This sort of event starts the rot and contempt that kills
love and destroys marriages. In the short term, focus solely on you and your baby. In the long term, get back into full time work as soon as you are able. NEVER be financially reliant on this pathetic man-child. Bide your time and enjoy your baby, build up resources to be independent and if, in time, the marriage comes crashing down about your ears, then you’ll likely deal with it easier as you already mentally have one foot out of the door.

Good luck with everything, OP. Remember that you and your baby deserve better.

38 weeks is too close. I would be upset even if he stayed because it would only be because I kicked up a fuss - I would want him to want to be there, not be there because he was forced. Both mine were induced at 38 weeks and a few days - I’d hoped to go full term but complications set in. My DH wouldn’t have missed the births for anything. I’m so sorry OP!

My first came at 36w+1 and my second at 38w+0
No prior indication that they were likely to come early.
Very fast labours too. First one less than 2hrs, second was 45 mins.

That's very well worded and definitely worth sending to him OP @Featureso however the fact that it would have to be pointed out to him in toddler-speech would make me completely shut down where he is concerned. I'd definitely be thinking 'what kind of person have I married here?!' and ensuring his bags were packed on his return from his sad little binge fest. 😤

To answer a few questions - yes, it’s been booked quite last minute. He only told me earlier this week, and I think I just went into a bit of shock. I didn’t even argue at first, I just sort of shut down. He says he didn’t tell me earlier because he “knew I’d react like this” which is… telling.

Indeed.

What an arse.

I'd be reconsidering the entire marriage tbh