To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

He says YOU’RE trying to ruin his life. You’re a heavily pregnant woman, many many many women have babies at 38 weeks, and you’re suddenly stressed about being alone with your mum 4 hours away and your husband who agreed to have a baby with you will be off in another fucking country at a fucking party and you might be giving birth or being ill, and he thinks you’re trying to ruin his life. I’d tell him I am so far from trying to ruin his life that as of this moment I will set him free, pack a big bag because you might be at your mums and not coming back, you haven’t worked out your plans for giving birth alone the only thing you know is you need plans for giving birth alone because the man who was going to have this baby with is nobody you know, and free to live his life, tell him to leave and you have a lot to plan and go live his fucking wonderful life. Tell his friend to party because it’s awesome to go make some vows to a woman who will believe them but actually what they mean is ‘until I have to skip something fun, then it’s friends are the most important thing in the world and my wife can fuck off and get herself to the hospital to have my baby why the fuck would I care?’
even if the baby didn’t arrive while he was away for the rest of your life you’d know if it had, you’d have been alone in labour with your first baby, relying on strangers to help, because you don’t have a husband.

I'm not sure how helpful all of the posts starting 'The majority of first babies are born late / at 41+ whatever' are when there are four dozen of us on here saying that we all thought that until ours arrived early...

Haven't rtft but in case you do show him this a friend of mine, who was pregnant same time as me with her first went into labour at 36 weeks, and had the baby very quickly. My mother also had her first child 2 weeks early. So not all first babies are late.

Either way, his wife bears the brunt. Lose/lose for her.

Two babies in my antenatal class arrived before 38 weeks. One at 35 and one at 37 weeks.
He’s being a dick! Ask that he plans to put in place if you do go into labour and how he will feel if he misses the birth and you have to go through it on your own. Then ask him again if he thinks he’s being selfish.
Show him this thread.

Absolutely too close ! It would be different if it was a stag do close by but abroad is unreasonable

I wouldn't think that OP would be crazy if, hypothetically, she were to decide to let him go, the baby may well not have come then, but it's entirely reasonable for her to want him around, especially given that her family seemingly live far away, I'm afraid he just has to suck it up. The birth of your firstborn is several notches higher up the 'life event' scale than any stag do.

He's definitely shown you who he is OP. If you don't dump him over this I strongly suggest you make sure you are always in a position to leave him in the future (separate savings accounts, etc.) as he is likely to continue to whine that you're 'ruining his life' whenever you ask him to contribute to his child's care.

How could anyone prioritise a stag do in Ibiza over the birth of their first child? He doesn’t deserve you or your baby.

At the end of the day it’s irrelevant what anyone else thinks. If you’re not comfortable with it then he shouldn’t go and he shouldn’t want to go if he knows you’re uncomfortable with it, and I say that as someone whose husband did go to a wedding a 7 hour drive away for the weekend when I was 38 weeks (I gave birth at 39). I didn’t mind, I was still happy driving, mucking my horse out etc. but if I hadn’t been happy he wouldn’t have gone and he checked in on me a lot.

When I was pregnant with ds1, dh’s best friend also scheduled his stag night a couple of weeks before ds was due. However, as soon as he realised the issue, he changed the date of the stag night (actually long weekend away) so that there was no stress for me or DH, and so that DH didn’t have to even make the choice (he wouldn’t have gone as his friend knows, so he didn’t think about having it so close; while he is dh’s best friend he is also a good friend of mine now and just didn’t even want to think about being responsible for that sort of conflict and wanted to know how far in advance s would be happy with and went a bit before that with a date.

That’s what a decent partner and friend should do! As it was ds1 came a week early and I ended up in hospital a few days before that with pre eclampsia so while technically he wouldn’t have missed the birth if he went on the stag do a couple of weekends before, him not being there might have made me more stressed (even just more tired at having to do stuff without him around) and it would have made it more difficult to get into hospital when I needed it, plus wouldn’t have had him around to visit as much!

i was definitely very glad that he was around and not at a stag do when I was 38 weeks pg - think it’s really rotten of your dh to expect you just to put up and shut up. 🤬

Trouble is, he doesn't see it that way.

With that comment, I wouldn't want him to be at the birth! He's showing where his priorities lie

38 weeks is not the baby coming early! I had no signs until the day before my first was born at 37+6. It's also not unusual for a baby to be born within a few hours of first labour signs. It's very possible he'll miss the birth if he's abroad. Is he making the decision because he doesn't know this? Or regardless of it?

Like so many men, he didn't actually realise what becoming a parent really meant. I personally couldn't forgive the degrading way in which he's spoken to you when you're literally putting your health/life on the line to have his baby. Sorry to say, it doesn't bode well for the future OP.

He sounds like a petulant teenager. Seeing as he is intent on going - ask him to write down a plan on what exactly you will do if you go into labour. You have no family nearby / friends don't drive . You can't rely on a neighbour. Ask him exactly what you will do. I bet he can't. Selfish prick.

Hang on, he's only just recently booked it as well?! It's one thing them having a pre-booked trip maybe before you were pregnant or whatever (though he should still cancel it), but to organise one without you knowing last minute is bloody disgusting. He is clearly pathetic. Trying to have one last "lad's holiday" before having a baby. Clearly he still IS a baby, because that's not how life works.

Tell him to cancel it or he can go and stay with his mum if he still wants to be a child.

I bloody love this and I would copy and paste it and send it to him if it was me 🤣👍💪

What a selfish idiot! Surely, if this was planned last minute he could have opened his mouth to say to do something in the UK or to not take part completely. Are you sure the stag do wasn’t organised before? And as best man why didn’t he organise the stag do earlier?
He should not be going anywhere full stop. Both our dc came at 38 weeks, there is no way he can risk going abroad and not being there for you.
he says you are ruining his life but he he’s ruining the birth of your first baby and your marriage. Even if the baby comes after the stag do he still needs to be here supporting you
If it were me I’d be giving him an ultimatum: me and the baby or his stupid friends. If he goes tell him not to come back. Fuck him the selfish prick.

Both my DC arrived at 38 weeks too. At 37 weeks, you're considered full term. I'd be furious with his attitude to be honest, you should be his priority right now. If he chose to go and you went into labour whilst he was there, I don't think I would bother to let him know.

What an overgrown child.
his “last chance” to do something fun before becoming a dad - rather than stepping up to some responsibility because his wife is about to go through a traumatic experience, and he should be there to support her.

The way he's couched this makes it sound as though he's expecting to never have any fun again. As though being a parent won't be run, rewarding or fulfilling. He needs to seriously rethink his priorities.

Well it sounds like you’ve already told him you are against him going and he hasn’t taken that into consideration so if you tell him he can’t go will he even listen?

Personally I’d be making plans to be a single parent as it doesn’t sound like he’s very committed to you or baby.

Missing a stag do is "ruining his life"? Has he listened to himself? If his friends were real friends, they would be telling him not to be so ridiculous, of course he has to prioritise you. As for what his friends' wives allegedly say, I'm prepared to bet they either haven't been consulted or don't have children.

If he can't work out his priorities by himself, you need to think seriously about what this tells about what he'll be like as a father.

You know what isn't the norm for first time moms to be when they're 38 weeks?

For their husband who is old enough to know better to go off to a foreign country to party rather than sticking to their pregnant wife like glue.

Not only can first time moms deliver at 38 weeks, they can have rapid labours.

Bloody hell, I'm so sorry OP. What a cruel thing for him to throw at you, no consideration at all for the huge stress this puts you under.

My DH, who was a bit flakey during my pregnancies, would never ever have suggested this. In fact, I can't imagine any of the men I know thinking this was OK. It's disappointing to miss a fun event but that's life, he needs to grow up. I expect you'd prefer to be at a fun event rather than heavily pregnant.