To tell my DH he can’t go to a stag do in Ibiza when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant?

[Featureso]

DH’s best mate is getting married and the stag do is a 4 day trip to Ibiza. It just so happens to fall when I’ll be 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

He says I’m being controlling and paranoid because “first babies never come on time” and apparently all his mates’ wives were “fine” with it. I get that it’s his best friend and he doesn’t want to miss out, but I’ll be the size of a house, unable to drive, potentially going into labour while he’s off drinking god knows what on a boat.

I said I’d feel more comfortable if he stayed in the country at least, but he says I’m trying to ruin his life. He’s 34 by the way, not 21.

I’m trying to be fair and not unreasonable but I feel completely abandoned at such a critical time. If something did happen early and he missed the birth I honestly don’t know if I’d forgive him.

AIBU to say no? Or should I just let him go and hope the baby doesn’t come early like he says?

First time mothers on average will naturally go into labour at 41+1 neither of mine came till 41+5

However, you can't guarantee that , nor if you will need an earlier section/induction and if you have made it clear you are uncomfortable with him going that late in your pregnancy then really that should be the end of the conversation.

My partner is a party clown, 100% this is a situation he would put me in.

I would say 100% no, but if becomes an ass / I would tell him-

1. You can go for 1 or 2 nights. Remind him that everyone always parties hardest the first night, then it’s all downhill after.
2. If you go into Labour he needs to be reachable and on next flight out - wasted or not.
3. If you have the baby while he’s gone, there needs to be some sort of ??

Go thru with reality with him. In case you do go early. He needs to be realistic, make him some offers.

Flat out no, and he misses it he will be an asshole. He needs to compromise, or at least see his wrongness by going thru how it will be for you if he’s not there.

Telling clown men No, is a bad idea. Make them make the decision that is the decision you want.

I thought he was unreasonable to want to go at all then I read he booked it behind your back?! He knows he being unreasonable to have done that. He's done it so you can't say no. Like others have said I'd be telling him to take his stuff and not return if he's set on going.

When's your next midwife appointment? Could he go with you, and you ask her advice (and ideally pre-empt her reply by messaging beforehand!). Maybe letting him hear it from a professional might be effective?
I am a GP and I would absolutely advise against your birth partner travelling after 37 weeks unless essential for a dying relative or military posting etc. 37-39 weeks is considered early full term birth ie completely normal for baby to come at any point. I have never understood some people claiming their babies arriving at 38 weeks were 2 weeks early, that's just not true. Due date is a guide, that's all.
I was so worried in my late pregnancies that I asked DH to stop drinking from about 35 weeks and hospital bag was packed from 33. He was happy to do it even if he rolled his eyes a little (and both babies were 41-42 weeks in the end!). Appreciate that's my bias coming across from my experience seeing prem babies at work though.

Ah well, off he fucks and you change the locks. Imagine choosing a piss up in Ibiza over your heavily pregnancy wife and the birth of your first child! Awful man, doesn’t deserve you or baby.

He's right! Babies never come on time. My first was born at 37 weeks.

The vast majority of babies come on time or late. However most people on here will know a few women who have given birth early. The point is you don't know if you're one of the minority or not (although there are signs eg if you have had any higher risk indicators in pregnancy it's more likely to come early). I thought anything from 37 weeks onwards was medically considered full term and people were advised to have hospital bags etc packed from then, partners generally stop drinking from then incase they need to take their partner to hospital etc

So I agree with pp that willingly wanting to go abroad at this stage is really off.

And its really awful accusing you of being controlling and paranoid because you're vulnerable and worried about being alone - yes it's more likely everything will be fine but it's not unheard of to go into labour then, and no one would bat an eyelid if he cancelled due to his wife being about to give birth. I think it's shit that he is more worried about missing out on partying, than he is about potentially missing out on the birth of his firstborn, and definitely missing out on supporting his wife in their last few weeks as a family of 2.

If he does cancel make sure there is no 'I told you so' if the baby is late, the point is neither of you knew at the time.

Honestly, I think that whatever happens now, even if he reluctantly and sulkily agrees not to go, the damage is done.

He deliberately booked the stag do abroad without consulting you and delayed telling you because he didn't want to deal with your justifiable worries and hurt.

I would be reconsidering whether or not this was the relationship for me. The saying 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them' applies in this case. He is being an unkind and uncaring husband and is showing all the signs of being a disengaged and selfish father. He is putting himself first and will very likely continue to do so after the baby has been born.

At least he’s showing what his priorities are and sadly it isn’t you OP or your unborn baby.
I had dc1 four weeks early (1 hour 15min labour), dc2 in 25 minutes at 35 weeks.
It is sad what pathetic, selfish gits some men are, certainly not good men to have for the father of our children, but obviously we only find out when it’s too late 🤬
As for you being paranoid and controlling ….. he’s immature and selfish too.

I don't dispute this. But being told he has to fork out for coming back might make him see reason. It might not. His decisions so far don't seem strong. But I do believe he will be an absolute arse if he feels he has been stopped from going, as opposed to coming to that conclusion himself. That will only leas to an awful experience for OP. Especially if she doesn't go into labour until after the others get back and the stag do is over. Then it will be "I told you" and everything will be her fault.

Absolutely not.
I know loads of first babies who came 2 weeks early. It's anytime from 38wks normally.
If he is happy to prioritise his mates stag to his wife having their baby, I'd seriously be regretting having a kid with him.

Just seen your update that he booked it without discussing it. So wasn't even in the calendar before you were pregnant / he'd have lost money. And he didn't tell you because he knew how you'd react I think means knew he was in the wrong. If he really thought it was OK he would have just told you about it. Unless he is saying he thinks you're generally a controlling selfish person that over reacts to perfectly reasonable things..in which case why the fuck is he having a baby with you

If you do show him this thread:

Oi! Mr Featureso!

Stop being a dickhead. You are not a teenager, you are a grown man about to be a father and your wife needs your support. Not just for the birth but the time leading up to this. How dare you cause her stress and worry at what is supposed to be a joyful time for you as a couple. Stress that is harmful for her and for the baby. Do you even care?

I hope for everyone’s sake this is a wobble on your part. Time for you to grow up, face your responsibilities and put your wife and child first. Go, and you’ll be a disgrace of a man and everyone will know it. Stay, your mates might rib you, but you’ll have earned some respect back and done the right thing by your family.

You have one chance to redeem yourself. Cancel the trip with good grace, apologise to Featureso, and dedicate yourself to being a good and supportive husband and father. You have a lot to lose if you don’t make the right decision, because she will never forget this and nor should she.

My first was 38 weeks, labour started the day after I went on maternity leave. He's a massive dick. I'm sorry he's put you in this position.

I would ask him to go for a shorter period of time.

1. 2 nights only
2. will fly home immediately if signs of labour
3. if baby arrives and he misses it then the baby get your surname.

It’s not even just the physical aspect of the baby coming early. It’s the mental support and comfort you need. Knowing that someone is there for you when you’re due is very important to keep you calmer.

My DP stopped drinking at this point and drove me to my last midwife appointments at the drs because I couldn’t manage the walk there anymore.

I couldn’t eat towards the end and he made me smoothies etc

My waters broke so I went in and got checked and then I got sent home again for 24 hours so he drove me there and back

had the same idea that first babies never come on time and then mine was born - spontaneous labour - at 38 weeks, with less than 12 hours from first tiny twinge to holding a baby.

this sucks for your husband, and yes of course there’s a high chance he won’t go and you won’t go into labour early. But surely if it’s his best friend, he won’t mind pulling his stag 2 weeks earlier to enable his best made to come

Getting home from Ibiza early is going to be hard. Realistically even if he can get a plane home it’s still a few hours to the airport and going through the departure process and flying and then getting home from the airport. If he comes across as drunk he wouldn’t be allowed to board or perhaps capable of sorting out travel arrangements.

If something were to go wrong with the birth and he isn’t there, you will never forgive him and would he forgive himself?

I think I’m normally the sort to be referred to as a cool wife on here. I encouraged my DH to go to Benidorm for a stag weekend and to Portugal. He is going to fit a bathroom for a female friend this weekend and staying over as I’m working. However there is no way I would tolerate this and tbh I would be packing his bags whilst he was at work and taking them to his parents and explaining the situation to them.

My MIL could then lecture him until he saw sense. There is no way I would tolerate him going away that close to a birth for anything short of a very close relative being on their death bed.

My first was born at 36.5 weeks, and my second was 39 weeks. Both times, very rushed, lots of decisions to be made.

He is literally risking missing the birth, all for a piss up. He's never going to be Dad of the year, is he? And what about him wanting to be there to support you, whilst you birth HIS baby?

Jeezo.

Honestly I'd be rethinking my whole marriage at this point, but one thing you should point out to him is that if something happens, if he misses the birth or there's complications, it's going to look really bad that he was in Ibiza on a stag do. Really, really bad.

Both my dcs were early 1st 36+6 and second 38+2, so he should be staying home.
He sounds completely selfish and if he goes of reconsider the whole marriage.

100% this. With bells on.

Yet another 'man-child' whose life isn't going to change once the baby comes along because you OP, will be the one to pick up ALL the slack.

I'm guessing he wanted to start a family as much as you did?

I'm sorry but it looks like you married a selfish and ignorant man who prioritizes partying with his buds over being present to support you and possibly missing a huge life event. You have just found he's an unreliable partner.

Would he really rather go drinking in Ibiza than be present while his child is being born? Especially given you can't drive yourself to the hospital if necessary and there's no one nearby who can.

That's your first priority, set up emergency transportation!!!! Ask a neighbor, ask a nearby church, tell your doctor, they might have knowledge of a transport service. Also let your doctor's office know you will be home alone for a stretch! Have your provider's # on speed dial. Taxi service too. Can you set up regular checkins with a neighbor?

Set up a support person for the birth. You might have to hire a doula.

Set up someone to help with aftercare, you won't be able to drive to the store to get things.

Your husband should be ashamed leaving a very pregnant woman who could go into labour at any time to go party in another country. He's really the worst.

What a selfish knob.

My first arrived in 37 + 5, and the labour was less than 12 hours so every chance he wouldnt make it back in time, especially if he is partying hard.

This man is a selfish bastard. No thought for anyone but himself. If it were me and he went, he wouldn't be coming back. If he stays but moans about it, marriage is over.

Fuck that and fuck him. I'm so tired of hearing about substandard men and their behaviour.