For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Oh don't be so pedantic. Yes it's life just as it is with those with kids. Doesnt mean there aren't a large proportion of grown men who don't 209% manage their own "life" or whatever you want to call it when they live with a woman which is why I was asking if he does everything for himself. Don't be so naive.

Don't marry the man. He's not acer you, he's after what he can get out of you

After you

I don't really understand your question.

Of course there are places outside of London where millions of people live for under 35k a year.

Or is your point that she's better off in London being skint every month to live with a man that wants a lifestyle she can't afford?

To be bankrolled by a partner then the partner needs to agree. Surely.

I say this as someone who earns much more than my DH and I gladly share everything I earn with him - but if he decided to drop his income dramatically I would probably feel quite resentful as that luxury isn’t open to me.

I wouldn't necessarily resent my Dh if he did that. I'd want to know why. If the job is causing stress or ill health id gladly encourage him to decrease hours/pay

However after 35 years together ive learned that fiance in a relationship is a roller coaster. There's been times when both of us have had little money, when one has out earned the other or we've both been the same. The only consistent thing is we've both had each other's backs and made sure the other is comfortable and not gone without. After all we are partners that care and look out for each other.

But if OP wanted to be a housewife for the same reasons as reducing her hours because it was affecting her mental health and her partner didn't agree, would you also be saying he's being fair letting her go without? Your comment is basically saying her life has broken easier (even though it's gone to the same hours and level of stress as gis life) and that's unfair.

I don't think it sounds like he is getting all the downsides at all. He has someone paying in an equal amount that he does while he also gets them to pay 50/50 on lavish food or purchases that only he really wants leaving him with more left over and the OP actually short of money. You can argue it if you want but the person happier to their their partner without money while asking them to pay 50% of a takeaway only they want is a shit partner and you can't reasonably say they're the one getting the short straw. By paying 50/50 OP is already paying more % of her wage (something that's unfair apparently when reversed) and presumably has nothing left to save while he can squirrel money away and splash out while she pays 50% of a lifestyle he wants.

OP has only just said they didn't change the split when she earnt more, she hadn't actually said that before.

What about HE starts a discussion on all the points you mentioned (even though I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t thought about many of them) instead to telling the OP to stuff it?

The issue here is not whether it’s better to stay in London etc…
It’s tge fact theyre getting married but can’t even contemplate having a discussion on what the future could look like.
It’s the fact he is assuming that it’s his way or the high way (ie I’m staying in london or we split OR I want this food therefore we’re buying it). It’s the fact Theres no negotiation going on. No allowances for the fact she has less money now
It’s the fact they’re not fully open with each other on finances. The fact prices went up and he saw cost of utilities going up but didn’t say a word about it says a lot.
It’s the fact he is blaming her. Theres no wish to help, support, put himself in her shoes.

Ahhh, martyrdom and busy work? That's usually unasked for and not appreciated. If you choose to do unpaid admin for another adult, thats on you (and irrelevant here?)

Better than being in rent? Judgemental match are you.

What's wrong with ranting. It's far better than a shared ownership property where the service charges are normally extortionate, and can and do increase at a moment's notice. You can't just get rid of a shared ownership property and it might be on salable once it's stock with an extortion at service charge. and with rental.You can just leave. It's much more flexible.

I have lots of sympathy for you, having also quit a successful, but stressful, career once upon a time.

It seems to be that the two of you don’t share or communicate well. The news about increases in bills shouldn’t have been a surprise to you; how you were both going to manage a change and disparity in income levels should have been discussed and agreed much sooner. i think that lack of effective and honest communication about key issues is a red flag for any relationship, imo.

And if you start saying no, you can't afford it. And he goes anyway. Well, you will be afforded a preview of what your married life with this skinflint will look like.

Do not have children with this man unless you are married and all money is pooled. See the millions of thread on mn where women do everything on a shoestring whilst husband controls all money - it’s financial abuse.

are you planning on marriage the two of you? It needs to be discussed… eventually if you are a couple you should be looking to put all
income into one account; and all bills paid for from this, savings included etc. Then what’s left is split between you somehow.

His behavior would concern me tbh and I would be questioning my commitment to him…

OP I'd think very carefully about having children with this man, he doesn't sound like he will be happy to support you when you are on maternity leave earning significantly less.

Sorry just saw marriage is on the cards. You need to discuss money before you get married- the set up you have no won’t be ok when you are married. Legally you are a unit so assets income etc is ideally pooled. Otherwise it is complex and requires a lot of thought.. what does he think will happen when you are married?? What do you think will happen when you are both married? I mean are you going to do separate food shops??? Really. And if there’s children later on how will paying for them work? I’ll bet you’ll be doing nearly all if not all of the drudgery and he’ll be penny pinching. Big big talk is needed. I’d be making sure he heard you on this before you get married. X

In terms of how we're financing the wedding, my mum is loaning us money

Do not borrow money to fund a wedding-your relationship sounds on incredibly dodgy footing!

Your mum might need to lend you that money to help you get a house on your own before too long...

You need to find a new job - one that pays more.

Why is he solving a problem she created?

Sorry, I just realised I did miss two things. First, a few people have questioned my decision to leave law entirely and not just move firms or work in something law-adjacent like legal publishing.

I really did explore all my options at the time and spoke to lots of different people at the time - career coaches, in-house lawyers, etc.

I interviewed at some firms with 'better' work-life balance, though I wasn't successful. In-house options were fairly limited given how junior I was and given how utterly miserable I was, I didn't feel enthused about slogging away for another 2 years until they became more widely available. I was also nervous that some of the better WLB options didn't have great career progression. I didn't really enjoy the job either but I'll admit that's a nice-to-have...

I felt like it would be better to take a temporary earnings hit to start again in a growing area with great career progression/earning potential doing something I loved, than stay at £75k indefinitely as a paralegal and hope that AI didn't come for my job. The best time to plant a tree is 10 years ago, the second time is now and all that. So far I haven't regretted my decision at all. I actually love my job and don't get the Sunday scaries.

The other thing people have mentioned which I forgot to comment on was who picked up most of the domestic load when I was working long hours. I would say it was pretty fairly split when I was working my last role and it hasn't changed much now!

Also your mum lending you the money for wedding to me is a huge red flag.. I think you should postpone it until your DH can see what being married entails…!

Totally agree it's on both of them to discuss, and pretty important to have these conversations before getting married, as maybe they'll discover they just aren't compatible. And you're right - he may not be considering those future costs and how to build a good financial future - we can't know.

I can't agree on the utilities point - we're actually going to blame him for just silently paying the increased cost rather than itemising the increases and asking for more every month? That sounds like a positive, not a negative.

I still think there's a balance of short-term and long-term here, and his attitude to finances may be a good thing for the long-term, even if not (from OP's viewpoint) for the short-term.

So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage

In a good relationship, this would be phrased as "We need to sit down and talk about our finances".

Yes this was a huge factor in my decision to retrain - so many senior lawyers had to leave because they had children and/or burnt out and couldn't deal with the hours anymore. I thought, If I'm going to sack it in and do something else then I'd rather do it now while I'm still young enough to retrain in something else, than at 5PQE where my options are more limited!

I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.
The solution is you pool your money and buy what the person doing the food shopping wants to buy, within that joint budget.
If you were made redundant, would he chuck you out and expect you to starve?
Either share all your finances or leave him. Those are the only two options.

What's with the attitude? You do know it's possible for it to be neither martyrdom or busy work and just be shit that needs doing that can't be left undone? Do I personally want to do absolutely everything with my partner that requires one person to do it? No, I'm happy to sit down and look at our bills for example, I just think it's fair that it's acknowledged particularly if one partners being an arse about 50/50 fairness so it's absolutely relevant if he's also watching OP do more at home.