For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

You would be an absolute fool to marry or have children with this man.

he couldn’t be clearer via his actions about the fact that he doesn’t see the two of you as a partnership.

dismiss his obvious feelings it at your peril.

This doesn't get better when you have children and go on maternity leave. Your income is further reduced, your lifelong earnings are reduced, you will probably end up paying nursery fees. Have the hard conversation now about money, before you are married.

You are taking a big risk getting married to someone who is selfish with money.

You can't assume you will always both be able to max out your earnings - there are often bumps along the way - kids, health problems, job losses etc etc

The main thing is to approach all your decisions, including money as a team, not as individuals or flatmates.

I would also write up a loan agreement that you BOTH sign…if he’s not willing to sign then don’t marry him.

I agree with him. But then you have a difficult decision to make.

Did you discuss with him before quitting your job and what this means in the short and long term?

You sound like you have somewhat different priorities in life, but most importantly very different ideas about how relationships work and what makes a true partnership. I don't think getting married when you aren't on the same page is a good idea. It sounds as if you imagine a somewhat more traditional relationship where everything is shared and "family money", and soon-to-be-DH is happy to shoulder more of the financial burden. He wants more of a modern partnership where you both aim to earn and contribute equally - rather more like a partnership of two individuals rather than a traditional married couple where "the family" comes first. Neither of these types of relationship is necessarily wrong if you both love each other, want the same thing and have a clear vision of how it will work, are flexible and good at compromising sometimes etc - but getting married when you don't have the same vision isn't likely to end well, especially if you plan to introduce children into the mix.

I think you should consider doing some sort of financial counselling as you are both approaching this very differently. Couples need to work together once you’re sharing things and if you have children together, that will make any niggles much worse.

OP, although you point out that your gross household income is 25k higher now you are on 35k and 90k rather than both on 50k, the tax bands mean that your net household income has increased by less than half that. (~ 12,400 unless you have investment income).
The median average salary in London is 47k. Your decision to take a less-stressful job seems to be predicated on your DP shouldering the financial strain for a few years until you are earning well again, and he doesn't want to do that.
Of course many couples are ok with that, and DH and I have both taken it in turns to be the high earner, but if your DP is not comfortable shouldering that responsibility then there has to be a conversation about how you jointly go forward with something more sustainable than you living off your savings, before you do something as serious as getting married.

Difficult.

When you were a high earner with no kids, did you build up savings to support yourself through retirement-training / career change!

Honestly, I think you are asking a lot of your partner. To financially support you , and to move out of London! Someone who loves living in London ( me!) would not be happy to move out at this stage. Selling and buying is hugely expensive, I doubt you have yet built up much equity and moving back will be even more expensive.

But… is this exposing fault lines in your relationship? The unequal domestic work would make me very wary.

Are you planning children in the longer term? If so how would he then view finance pooling and domestic / child related work?

In the shorter term how does he see things after marriage? Does he still envisage separate finances? Does he see marriage as a ‘with all my worldly goods ..’ type contract? Did you plan marriage before or after your salary cut?

In an ideal world someone who is your life partner needs to be team partnership: you are at one over how you respectively support both the partnership and each other.

At the moment he is not in the same page as you over your roles in the partnership.

It’s a conversation that goes beyond who pays for what.

Would couples counselling help as a way to have the wider conversation?

Don't bother to get married then.

What about "for richer, for poorer?"

I wouldn't spend much on a wedding, OP, because I can't see your relationship lasting much longer. He doesn't want to share with you and you want some of his money. It's not a good match, is it? You started off equal and that's how he liked it. You didn't share when you earned more than him, but now that you're earning a hell of a lot less - completely voluntarily - you want him to fund you.

You'd have to be insane to borrow in order to marry, especially borrowing from your mum and even more especially when you don't have a clear repayment plan. Between you you earn over £100K - why are you borrowing money to get married anyway? You know damn well you'll get carried away with the wedding and it'll end up costing a fortune. He will then say he didn't want chair covers or whatever and when you split up he'll want you to pay that debt.

You are clearly rubbish with money. You don't even know what proportion of your home that you own. Live within your means and if you do marry, marry within your means, too.

Sorry I see you did discuss, he opposed it and you did it anyway. I am not sure what the solution is. You have very different approaches to relationship finance and poor communication skills. You need pre-marital therapy to properly discuss these big topics.

Would it make any noticeable difference if you at least paid the mortgage as per your split? I totally understand the share being different based on what was put in, but why pay 50% of the repayment and not 45%?

Are you planning kids because will it still be the 50/50 then
is everything else 50/50 housework etc

I think you need a long hard chat about the future how it will all work once you are married and the impact a huge mortgage is having

and then make some very hard decisions about your future

What about “making big decisions collectively”.

If my partner jacked in their job for me to make up the financial difference without us clearly agreeing this - I would have an issue.

Incidentally, what did he say when you proposed that you would like to reduce your hours down?

And did household expenses figure in the discussion? But I have no idea how people manage to live together if they don't have joint finances. DH and I rise and fall together with money.

And that is a fair point why is the house split 55/45 on deposit but 50/50 on mortgage - he is basically gaining 10% of the payment

at the very least it should be 55/45 that is £150 each payment so far

OP is happy to spend less and move somewhere cheap. She's now subsiding his lifestyle.

OP just tell him that either he accepts that you're moving somewhere cheap and can't afford the things he wants to do or that he's going to have to chip in. We were on far far less but dh was never tight about "his money" before we got married.

In terms of how we're financing the wedding, my mum is loaning us money and has made it clear that she is very easy on when we pay it back, so my assumption is that we'll just pay it back once my salary has gone up.

Honestly...
Do not progress the wedding until you've bottomed this out.

Right now you arent travelling in the same direction.
You do not have the same fundamental outlook on your future and shared goals.

If this were the other way round and the man had voluntarily taken a large pay cut and expected the woman to subsidise it and they weren’t married there would be cries of cocklodger!

Did you read though where OP was fantasizing about being hit by a car to not have to go to work? I've been there when desperately unhappy in a job. The idea her partner needed to basically agree and give her permission to change jobs is completely missing the point that he doesn't give a shit about her mental health as is painting her changing jobs as "jacking it in". She said they discussed it and he didn't agree so she should have continued to hate her life? Fuck that for a relationship.

He wasn't listening though was he? She had to leave her extremely stressful job due to her health - it wasn't a real choice.

I am a lawyer and so is my best friend.

I went in house on qualification and have a great work life balance in a job which fits in well around having kids. I have never earned anywhere near as much as my friend though.

My friend trained in a big London firm and then moved to a US firm after a few years. She earned very very well, but then when she was pregnant with her second child they got rid of her. Obvious illegal discrimination, but when they are willing to pay you more to leave than the maximum compensation you could get from an employment tribunal if you fought it, you take the money and go. She's fine for money at the moment but has no idea what she is going to do next.

It seems to me that even if you had been able to stick the job out for a few more years, you wouldn't have been able to do so long term, especially if you want to have children. What would have been the plan then? Would your partner have expected you to keep paying 50% of the mortgage whilst on maternity leave? And then what? It's much easier to cut your losses early on if you realise you're in the wrong career, rather than keep going until you really can't. If the job you're in now will allow you to have the kind of work life balance you can maintain after having children, you'll be in a better position in the long term.

It seems to me that the problem is you and your partner aren't very good at communicating. If he'd said to you a few years ago that he only wanted to be with you as long as you were paid a certain amount, would he have stayed? Did you get engaged after you'd made your decision to change careers? Why get engaged if he wasn't happy with your financial situation at that time? You really need to talk more openly about what you both want from life in terms of money, lifestyle, location, children or not etc.

One thing is for sure, he can't force you to spend money you can't afford on things you don't need. If he wants to go out for dinner and take nice holidays, fine. But he needs to decide whether it's more important that you both pay your way equally, or whether it's more important that he gets to share these experiences with you. Because you are perfectly within your rights to say you can't afford these things at the moment.

The food shop is more of a difficult one. I don't see how doing separate food shops so he can have nice things while you eat baked beans is really a sign that you should be getting married.

And I also don't think a man who earns 90k and by his own admission likes to splash his cash around should be accepting a loan from your mum to pay for a wedding. What's the hurry to get married anyway?

That's not the case. She's good with money. But the man doesn't live her.

OP has already said these are not her circumstances, so this is solely a you problem and I'm not sure why you've raised it here again. You doing admin for your partner is your decision, if it is his admin, he could do it. If it is joint admin, it should be shared. If it is your admin, you do it. This isn't rocket science. It's also not mental load and no one deserves a special sticker.