For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

The crux of this is that you are not compatible. You want different things in life and neither of you are willing to compromise. You took a massive pay cut and expect him to fund that. I am all in favour of couples paying proportionally and supportin geach other, but th epoint is that you aren't married yet. You're at the point where notwithstanding being engaged, you are thinking about what you both want long term and it's clear that what you want is NOT the same thing. He is not supportive of your choices and whether or not that makes him a good/bad person is irrelevant. You're not compatible.

It should be proportionate, we did it this way before we got married and now he pays it all apart from half of the food shop because I reduced my hours after we had a child.

Please explain this further as
She left her job
She took a pay cut
She wants to move
She wants him to pay even more of the bills than he already is.

He is already paying more of the bills.

Financial abuse does really make sense unless you flip it.

Are you playing dumb that those without children don't also have schedules, appointments, social events, people birthdays, house maintenance, laundry, cooking cleaning etc and that women by far remember, plan, remind and do more of this?
They absolutely should have equal shared responsibility of it just as a couple with kids should. In asking OP is her partner actually did take equal responsibility for all of it

Don't go out for meals or go on holiday. You can't afford it. Did you discuss your finances before taking the pay cut?

There’s no shared mental load. People without kids look after their own life admin. It’s not naive, it’s based on over 50 years of adult life experience.

This is how I handled a similar situation and it did change his mindset and he came around. Some men are just selfish until they learn better ways or until they lose a great partner.

I do wonder the opposite to be honest.

Looking back over the last month:
DD had a hospital appointment that needed to be moved.
DD had a birthday party that required a present and a card.
DS had an optician appointment, new prescription, new glasses to collect.
DS needed forms filling out to get the 30 hours funding.
DS and DD both needed childcare paying for.
DS needed a school trip signing up and paying for.
DS needed us to pay for school photos.
DS needed us to sign up for his lunch options on sports day.
DS needed to take chocolates in for a non-school uniform day.
DS needed a costume for that same non-school uniform day.
DD needed us to sign up for her parents morning at nursery.
DS received his school report - which we obviously reviewed.
DD needed to have her vaccinations.
I had to respond to two other invitations to birthday parties we can’t go to.
I had to buy DS all new school uniform on the school portal.
DS needed snacks taking in for the last week of term (snack supplier wasn’t operating that week).
DS needed to renew his sports clubs and pay for them.
…that’s just off the top of my head… not life admin, just DC admin. It definitely adds up and it definitely takes mental load not to let any balls drop.

dump the selfish arse

I mean why would you change your career to something that pays less? Did you discuss this with your patner?Would you afford life financially life without them?

Of course it’s unfair for one half of a “partnership” to decide, without agreement with their partner, to quit their job and insist their partner cover them! Of course that’s unfair!

Even if that job is causing unhappiness and stress? Why would the partner not agree? Especially if between them they can still afford the bills. The OP and her partner are not a team, this is not a partnership that should lead to marriage.

My DH was in a high earning job, but was very unhappy. When he wanted to quit and take on a job that paid way less than half, I was very supportive. It meant tightening our belts, we had three kids, I didn't earn much, and it wasn't easy, but the difference it made to my DH and our marriage was chalk and cheese.

We did discuss it first, but the alternative was that DH carried on in a job that was making him deeply unhappy. Luckily we both put mental health and happiness above money.

She still would have been choosing to quit her job to be a housewife, so why the difference? OP chose to reduce her hours which were far more than her partners while they earnt the same amount and now works the same hours as him but is paid less. She's not asking him to be the sole breadwinner, she asking him to pay proportionately to what they both are left propertionstely with money left over rather than OP being skint and him having money left over to splash on things.
If you think marriage or children would change this kind of attitude you're dreaming. You're either partners or you're not.

That's not mental load that is life. Your own life that you are responsible for and can decide to participate in as much as you like. Chucking a buzz word on it is meaningless especially when that buzz word is used to describe actions done on behalf of another usually vulnerable person like a child. Sorting out your diary and managing your own bills isn't "mental load".

I never understand any of these threads when partners aren’t pooling resources. If you are in a long term relationship then the fundamental premise should be that you support each other.

When DP and I first got together he earned more
than me. Then he made a career change and I earned more than him. Throughout our relationship when have supported each other emotionally and financially as needed. Currently he earns far more
than me. I mostly look after family and work part time. This may or may not change in the future.

if your partner cannot see that partnership is not always a 50/50 financial split then I’d be seriously questioning the validity of your relationship long term.

From the moment we started to live together all our money was just "ours".
We got a joint account, everything goes in and out of there.
Surely love is about sharing everything?
I really couldn't be with someone so petty.

Because if they made a joint decision for her to be a housewife then:
a) it would be a joint decision
b) he would benefit from her contribution.

Her living off him isn’t a benefit to him in any way. Why should be get all the downsides while she gets all the upsides? That’s not a partnership. A partnership is not about one person always getting the short straw - that’s what OP wants here.

You’ve conveniently ignored the part where OP earned a lot more than him and didn’t pay more. I wonder why you don’t want to discuss that…

The thing is a salary that low allows little lee way in terms of buying a house. It would be an empty threat to say. She's going it alone and leaving the area because even moving to a cheaper area, I very much doubt she d be afford to buy anything on her own.

Private rent for a one bed flat in the southeast is about fifteen hundred pounds, excluding bills. That's what she's currently paying to live in a big house with her partner. So she might as well stay put. It won't be cheaper if she goes it alone.It will be more expensive and she'll be renting not buying.

You are not "prepared" to move somewhere cheaper. You want to move somewhere cheaper that will benefit you and he ends up travelling to cover what you want.

Something that I don't think has been mentioned - the OP wants to move out of London. How easy is to sell the it property? How much equity? Is it a flat? Leasehold? Cladding? Location? When is the fixed term of the mortgage due to end? Were these things considered before changing job?

People in relationships without children doesn't mean they have 100% separate lives - they share a property and a mortgage fgs, how is that not a mental load they should split or in most cases one partner has to take on responsibility of remortgaging, scheduling overpayments for example? Who is arranging for repairs? Who is remembering to buy a gift for X's wedding next month and arranging transport there etc?

I'm agreeing each adult should be responsible for their shares which is why I'm asking if that was the case when OP was working more hours and much more unsociable hours. I don't know why you're playing dumb that because people don't have children they don't have shared life admin and that women tend to do more of it u paid and unrecognised by men who insist on 50/50 everywhere else

There is wayyyy more to this than some of the simplistic comments.

He is right - if he earns £90k he doesn't feel like he has to scrimp on food etc. You cut your earnings voluntarily, and it doesn't necessarily follow that he has to make up the difference. If you think your earnings will grow rapidly, then maybe you should fund the gap due to your career change from your own savings. I bet that's what folks would say if it was the other way round...

There are also a bunch of positives which you shouldn't forget. He is probably also thinking about things like paying the mortgage down, upsizing the home, paying for kids when they come along, saving for retirement etc.

Even staying in London - it's expensive in the short term, but in the long run maintaining London earnings and buying and paying off a London-priced home will see you much wealthier later in life. Moving somewhere cheaper for the benefits that come with a lower cost of living tends to be a 1-way ticket - it's much harder to then come back to the higher cost of living location if you find you want to a few years down the road.

Maybe your discussion with him should include all of the above? As if he's thinking about those things he is looking out for both of your futures anyway.

On balance I'd probably try to agree (and hopefully he would) something like a 60-40 split - which is probably a compromise for both of you. But you also owe it to the partnership to be bringing your income up again as quickly as you can.

So sorry for the slow replies, the comments are coming in faster than I can read them! I'll try to respond to some of the questions that have been asked (don't mean to trip feed, just didn't want to overload my first post with loads of information!):

• Yes, my mental health was poor when I was working in law and it was a big factor in deciding to quit. This feels so morbid to write now but I used to regularly fantasise about getting hit by a car on the way to work - not fatally or anything, but just enough to put me out of work for a few weeks so I could have an excuse for a proper break! I am so much happier in my job now and genuinely enjoy going to work.
• He has a slightly bigger share in the property to reflect the deposit we put in - it's split 55/45 I think.
• I was earning more than him at one point and we continued to split the bills 50/50. Honestly, it wasn't a conscious decision and if he'd wanted me to pay more I happily would've done so. It's more that we were earning the same when we first took out the mortgage so it made sense to split it 50/50 and we never really revised it from there. It's only come up now because I'm struggling to afford it for the first time.
• The mortgage was much lower when we took it out. We unfortunately got stung hard by interest rates, plus bills have gone up (bloody Thames Water!) so I hadn't necessarily anticipated costs would go up so much.
• In terms of how we're financing the wedding, my mum is loaning us money and has made it clear that she is very easy on when we pay it back, so my assumption is that we'll just pay it back once my salary has gone up.
• I don't have a second job but I'm in the process of setting up a side gig and am in conversations with my director about my employer funding a qualification which will improve my earning potential.

I hope I haven't missed anything! Thanks everyone for your input.

Is this really a man you want to spend your life with. Any good partner would be more supportive about a career change if you were burning out. It isnt as if you've asked him to support you through college, you are earning a decent wage for a bottom rung role. You also have potential for more income too, so it's only a short term issue. He sounds quite selfish and there is better out there.

She could get a shared ownership property - not ideal but better than being in the private rental sector and perhaps better than being in this relationship. She also has the advantage of her work not being location dependent.

Yeah. One day a week travelling to London from somewhere outside reasonable commuter distance would cost hundreds of pounds and take at least 6-7 hours. Commuter belt is down as far as Portsmouth now for daily commuters!

OP is talking about him spending about 15% of his take home income and increasing his hours by about 15% too. But that’s no biggie - he should just do it, even though he doesn’t want to so that OP can have what she wants.

OP clearly has form for not thinking through her decisions and making poor financial choices. I’d be running for the hills.