Page 11 | For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:22

Tiswa · 01/08/2025 11:17

And that is a fair point why is the house split 55/45 on deposit but 50/50 on mortgage - he is basically gaining 10% of the payment

at the very least it should be 55/45 that is £150 each payment so far

So basically if they were splitting the mortgage as per the split, OP wouldn't be short at least

JHound · 01/08/2025 11:24

SulkySeagull · 01/08/2025 11:20

If this were the other way round and the man had voluntarily taken a large pay cut and expected the woman to subsidise it and they weren’t married there would be cries of cocklodger!

Yep.

LemondrizzleShark · 01/08/2025 11:25

FinancialThyme · 01/08/2025 10:31

I do wonder the opposite to be honest.

Looking back over the last month:
DD had a hospital appointment that needed to be moved.
DD had a birthday party that required a present and a card.
DS had an optician appointment, new prescription, new glasses to collect.
DS needed forms filling out to get the 30 hours funding.
DS and DD both needed childcare paying for.
DS needed a school trip signing up and paying for.
DS needed us to pay for school photos.
DS needed us to sign up for his lunch options on sports day.
DS needed to take chocolates in for a non-school uniform day.
DS needed a costume for that same non-school uniform day.
DD needed us to sign up for her parents morning at nursery.
DS received his school report - which we obviously reviewed.
DD needed to have her vaccinations.
I had to respond to two other invitations to birthday parties we can’t go to.
I had to buy DS all new school uniform on the school portal.
DS needed snacks taking in for the last week of term (snack supplier wasn’t operating that week).
DS needed to renew his sports clubs and pay for them.
…that’s just off the top of my head… not life admin, just DC admin. It definitely adds up and it definitely takes mental load not to let any balls drop.

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Hmm, so we sit down every half term and book breakfast/afterschool care in a block - usually takes 30 mins or so. Hobbies/sports clubs are on direct debit. Snacks etc go in the online shop. We stop off for class presents on our way home from swimming lessons, and that isn’t all that often. School uniform generally lasts for two years (and we buy it from John Lewis or M&S, so click and collect). DS goes to the dentist when I do, and doesn’t have any other health needs (I did say that children with SEN would probably need more admin).

We genuinely don’t spend more than 30 mins a week on any of this, usually less. There no way two adults flat sharing, like OP and her DP, should have hours and hours of life admin, and what there is should definitely be done equally by both and not all done by the woman.

JHound · 01/08/2025 11:25

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:20

Did you read though where OP was fantasizing about being hit by a car to not have to go to work? I've been there when desperately unhappy in a job. The idea her partner needed to basically agree and give her permission to change jobs is completely missing the point that he doesn't give a shit about her mental health as is painting her changing jobs as "jacking it in". She said they discussed it and he didn't agree so she should have continued to hate her life? Fuck that for a relationship.

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Yes.

Doesn’t change what I said.

Big decisions need to be made as a couple not unilaterally.

If she wants him to support her and he doesn’t then she has to decide what this means for the relationship. Not just shrug and do it anyway.

IsItatrashmarriage · 01/08/2025 11:25

Elephantonabroom · 01/08/2025 09:21

whose mortgage is it? Joint?

what do you think will happen once you are married and potentially DC are in the scene.

I am in a marriage where I pay 50/50 and DH is earning 3 times as much as me and I work part time as I am the primary carer for our DC (both with complex needs). He holidays alone and I holiday (much cheaper with the DC). He didn't show is true colours until DC1 was born. I can see a lot of red flags in your post. I would have a good and hard think what you want from the future and this relationship and also discuss finances post marriage with him. If he intends to keep going like that, just run!

For now, I would cut back on going out and hols and maybe separate food shopping but the big question is really how you both see that working out long term esp with marriage and kids.

Edited

Exactly. She doesn't realise this man will skin her and give her children insisting that this is all women want anyway, so give then a room, kids, kitchen and nothing else

mylovedoesitgood · 01/08/2025 11:27

No, she’s shit with money @IsItatrashmarriage When she was a high earner, she seemingly didn’t even bother to save anything for a rainy day like she’s experiencing now, and has borrowed money to pay for her wedding.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/08/2025 11:27

Did you tell him how you were feeling about wanting to be in a car crash? If he sat there knowing you were heading for a serious mental health crisis like that and still would not support you changing to a less stressful job he is a nasty nasty man. He doesn’t love you, he just views you as an acceptable business partner for the lifestyle he wants. Anyone else with similar earning potential who he got along with would do. Sell the shared property and leave him.

Lafufufu · 01/08/2025 11:28

SulkySeagull · 01/08/2025 11:20

If this were the other way round and the man had voluntarily taken a large pay cut and expected the woman to subsidise it and they weren’t married there would be cries of cocklodger!

Because it's NOT the same.
Despite the tropes Women and men are not equal in this world...
Especially in OPs circs where they are planning a family.

Op will also be a high earner in 3 yrs or so...

I am also confident if the women was demanding her low earning partner keep up with her "luxury lifestyle" while refusing to contribute there would be a fair few posters would be saying "either end it and find someone earning more or accept you are building a life together"

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:28

ohdelay · 01/08/2025 11:22

OP has already said these are not her circumstances, so this is solely a you problem and I'm not sure why you've raised it here again. You doing admin for your partner is your decision, if it is his admin, he could do it. If it is joint admin, it should be shared. If it is your admin, you do it. This isn't rocket science. It's also not mental load and no one deserves a special sticker.

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It's not a me problem and no one's asking for a stickerz jeez this is a really sore point for you for some reason particularly for some reason the idea that two people can have SHARED responsibilities without having children. I was coming from the POV of someone in a relationship where this is shared in an equitable way as are our finances, god knows why this rattled you or why you're jumping to assume I'm an angry martyr doing all my husbands admin because I'm not? Mainly because I didn't marry a selfish arsehole who expects me to do everything which fits with him being someone who wouldn't want to see me go without financially. I was ASKING about this in the OPs situation and you got your knickers all in a twist. She's now clarified they were splitting this equally while she was working till 2am and an weekends.

You don't get a special sticker fot being an angry snark either btw.

Butchyrestingface · 01/08/2025 11:28

I would end this relationship. The two of you are no longer compatible.

You took the unilateral decision to leave your job, after entering into a joint mortgage, for a much lower salary. You did so knowing full well he was unhappy with this new set up. I suspect you probably thought he would be willing to support you financially whilst you attempted to reset professionally.

By the same token, he is not willing to adjust to your now reduced joint income. He won't consider a move out of London (understandable) but seems to expect you to be able to match the same lifestyle you had before on a now dramatically reduced income. That isn't reasonable or realistic either.

Move out of London. End the relationship. Find someone who is more compatible and he can do the same.

BIossomtoes · 01/08/2025 11:30

MascaraGirl · 01/08/2025 11:17

Incidentally, what did he say when you proposed that you would like to reduce your hours down?

And did household expenses figure in the discussion? But I have no idea how people manage to live together if they don't have joint finances. DH and I rise and fall together with money.

We’ve been married for 25 years and have never had joint finances. It’s never been an issue.

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:32

JHound · 01/08/2025 11:25

Yes.

Doesn’t change what I said.

Big decisions need to be made as a couple not unilaterally.

If she wants him to support her and he doesn’t then she has to decide what this means for the relationship. Not just shrug and do it anyway.

Edited

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By that same logic he could have decided to leave the relationship also? Given only she was the one doing this work, you're basically saying he didn't give her permission to quit when her mental health was on the floor. He's not supporting her, it's about paying for their joint costs and outgoings meanwhile he's the one finally better off and doing better out of the situation - and going to gain more when they split as she being paying overpaying her proportion of their mortgage!

40YearOldDad · 01/08/2025 11:32

Too many people are coming at this from a married-with-kids perspective.

Married /kids, it's 50/50 all day long- it's not the hokey cokey. You're all in.

Coming from a 50/50 split, both earning around the same money, and then having a massive hit to wages, to the point you can't afford the lifestyle, it hits different when you're not married and don't have kids.

If it were the other way round, the word 'cocklodger' would have been thrown about and told to piss him off as he's now living off you.

I never understand why couples who are married don't have a joint account and go from there. Typically, men outearn women when children are thrown into the mix. like i say, married etc, it's all in.

ohdelay · 01/08/2025 11:33

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:28

It's not a me problem and no one's asking for a stickerz jeez this is a really sore point for you for some reason particularly for some reason the idea that two people can have SHARED responsibilities without having children. I was coming from the POV of someone in a relationship where this is shared in an equitable way as are our finances, god knows why this rattled you or why you're jumping to assume I'm an angry martyr doing all my husbands admin because I'm not? Mainly because I didn't marry a selfish arsehole who expects me to do everything which fits with him being someone who wouldn't want to see me go without financially. I was ASKING about this in the OPs situation and you got your knickers all in a twist. She's now clarified they were splitting this equally while she was working till 2am and an weekends.

You don't get a special sticker fot being an angry snark either btw.

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No one's angry at you, it's just not relevant. You're derailing the OPs thread now, maybe start your own about the mental load in a shared childfree home and I'll see you there.

PollyBell · 01/08/2025 11:33

SlipperyLizard · 01/08/2025 08:57

I voted YABU because you made the choice to cut your income, and presumably your partner didn’t agree beforehand that he would pick up the slack/contribute more? You’ve made yourself reliant on him seemingly without checking he’s ok with that - what if he wanted to take a similar step back?

Now you need to cut your cloth - if that means you can’t go out as much etc then that’s the consequence of your choice.

I say this as someone who earns much more than my DH and I gladly share everything I earn with him - but if he decided to drop his income dramatically I would probably feel quite resentful as that luxury isn’t open to me.

I would agree with PP that you shouldn’t have kids with him, though, unless you have a clear understanding of how the finances will work.

Yes exactly, when you decided to lessen your income did you actually tell him he would have to pay more or just assume you would get away woth ot?

JHound · 01/08/2025 11:36

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:32

By that same logic he could have decided to leave the relationship also? Given only she was the one doing this work, you're basically saying he didn't give her permission to quit when her mental health was on the floor. He's not supporting her, it's about paying for their joint costs and outgoings meanwhile he's the one finally better off and doing better out of the situation - and going to gain more when they split as she being paying overpaying her proportion of their mortgage!

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If he had written a comment asking for advice I would respond to him.
He has not. She has.

I did not say she needs his permission to quit.

She is not asking about that. She is asking about his financial support. Yes I think you need to agree with somebody that they will financially
support you.

And yes if they incur costs equally and she wants to pay less that requires his financial support - or an agreement than he will start contributing more financially.

Soontobe60 · 01/08/2025 11:36

JustAQuietSpotPlease · 01/08/2025 08:59

I think this might be the point where you realise you want different things. He was more than happy when you were earning the big money but now he seems to be punishing you for the career change and pay drop.

It hardly screams loving and caring especially as he is your fiance. He is happy to see you absolutely skint whilst he still has money. When he takes his wedding vows do you think they will mean anything? You are meant to be a couple, most people combine finances and split is proportionately. I have been the higher earner, then the lower earner, then the no earnings at all sahm. Dh has never been selfish with money, ever.

You could say the OP was ‘punishing’ her DP by expecting him to fund her career choices or reduce his standard of living .
OP, if the house is owned as Joint tenants, you should pay the mortgage in equal amounts. Other bills such as gas / Electric / Council tax / house insurance also split equally. Food - tell him you’re going to buy your own. Eating out - don’t go!
Sadly, you chose to choose a lower paying job, now you’re paying the price.

TeeBee · 01/08/2025 11:37

Espressosummer · 01/08/2025 08:54

Maybe he thinks the OP is selfish. She has unilaterally decided she would significantly reduce the household income and now expects her partner to shoulder the financial burden she has created. Perhaps he would like a less stressful, lower paid job too. They took out the mortgage together based on their combined earning then the OP moved the goal posts. He's already subsidising the OP and now she wants more.

@SaladAndChipsForTea have to disagree with you. It is the OP who is acting like what's hers is hers and what's his is also hers, not the partner. The OP wants claim to what's his so she can have a nicer job.

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Totally agree with this. You can't just decide to take an easier job and then complain that you can't cover your half of the bills.

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:38

ohdelay · 01/08/2025 11:33

No one's angry at you, it's just not relevant. You're derailing the OPs thread now, maybe start your own about the mental load in a shared childfree home and I'll see you there.

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It is relevant because on top of having her mental health on the floor and wanting to be hit by a car on the way to work, OPs partner wasn't even supporting her by picking up the slack on labour around the house while he has more free time just like he expects a 50/50 split financially while he has more money and is financially benefitting from her contributing 50% to an asset she'll only get 45% back on when they sell. I'm not detailing the thread, I was asking to see if OPs partner believed in fairness as a principal or only when it benefits him.

Phobiaphobic · 01/08/2025 11:42

Honestly, I don't understand the point of being married if it's not to pool your resources and support each other when needed. If you're planning to have kids, OP, you sound on the road to potential financial abuse.

overwork · 01/08/2025 11:42

Completely off topic, but what industry have you gone into?
Back on topic, I don’t think either of you are particularly in the wrong here, but I’d be nervous for your married life. He seems to want the big shot high flying wife and lifestyle to match, you seem to be prioritising a steadier pace of life with less luxuries but more time.
Both valid choices, but both very removed from each other

Yelleryeller · 01/08/2025 11:42

JHound · 01/08/2025 11:36

If he had written a comment asking for advice I would respond to him.
He has not. She has.

I did not say she needs his permission to quit.

She is not asking about that. She is asking about his financial support. Yes I think you need to agree with somebody that they will financially
support you.

And yes if they incur costs equally and she wants to pay less that requires his financial support - or an agreement than he will start contributing more financially.

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Splitting joint costs in the fairest way isn't financially supporting someone though. Id agree if OP was staying at home and not earning or contributing anything. Instead she's earning less, paying more as a proportion of her income towards their JOINT costs and paying more towards their joint asset while owning less of it. A 50/50 split looks fair on the surface but usually it deceptively is benefitting the higher earner in a way it could be argued she's financially supporting his lifestyle, it's just not as obvious.

BIossomtoes · 01/08/2025 11:44

it could be argued she's financially supporting his lifestyle

Only in Wonderland.

Original poster

AnyPomegranate · 01/08/2025 11:44

mylovedoesitgood · 01/08/2025 11:27

No, she’s shit with money @IsItatrashmarriage When she was a high earner, she seemingly didn’t even bother to save anything for a rainy day like she’s experiencing now, and has borrowed money to pay for her wedding.

Edited

I do have savings which I am using to top up my income - the issue is that I am eating through it rapidly, partly because of my partner's decisions e.g. holidays (I'm happy to go without), service charge (wouldn't be an issue if we left London and bought a house), meals out (not crazy expensive but it does add up) plus attending weddings (I seem to have hit an age where it's 3 a year right now), bills going up, etc...

If I get a promotion before the savings run out that's fine, but I would rather either (a) reduce my expenditure so that it doesn't get to that point, or (b) alternatively if partner doesn't want to compromise on lifestyle then pay a little bit more so that I'm not required to dip into my savings so much. If anything I think thinking ahead like this makes me sensible with money

Be nice! You don't need to swear to make your point

OP posts:

familylawyer01392 · 01/08/2025 11:45

AnyPomegranate · 01/08/2025 08:46

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

similar to me and my DH i earn around the same as you and he earns 140 + 100% bonus. he pays for far more than me. actual mortgage we divide 50/50 (only about £500 each) and he pretty much pays for everything else. would be entirely unfair for me to pay the same or even just £200 less. youre supposed to be building a life together, he is coming off as stingy.