For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

What has led you to make these assumptions?

I agree with others that 50/50 is unfair when he owns a larger share of the property, not that this would make a huge dent, but it's the principle. I wonder what difference it would make if backdated too.

I would want a clear understanding on expectations if you have children. I just don't see him changing his current stance and would expect 50/50 forevermore, even if you take a huge financial hit for maternity and childcare reasons.

I'd be thankful to have seen the future with him while I had a chance to change it, and I'd get out of the relationship.

I think that though I have some sympathy with the op. Married couples or those living together and have a child or children usually do work out finances proportionately but in this case she needs to pay an equal share or else not do all the expensive things her partner enjoys (and no doubt she also enjoys). It was her choice to take a substantial cut in salary and earning £35k is really not much, something has to go.

This is the crux of the problem isn't it, if you don't agree, what then? Why should her fiance get his way, why should OP get her way? Neither should happen IMO, anyone married or seriously planning on getting married should have been able to come to a solution to this problem between themselves before decisions were made, compromise is what it is all about.

The fact that her fiance is so rigid in his thinking that OP has had to do what she needs to do for her mental health without his approval proves that they are not compatible for marriage in the slightest and he will never care about her more than he cares about her financial input and his lifestyle.

Don't get married OP and don't ever consider having children with him, the fact that you are borrowing the wedding money from your mum instead of him financing it is another red flag, are you sure he is as keen on marriage as you are? Think VERY long and hard before you tie yourself to him legally!

@AnyPomegranate can you communicate all of this to him that you don’t want to spend money on that stuff and reach a compromise

1. payments should be at least 55/45 to reflect the split

but also if he only wants things one way (his) and won’t compromise at all or listen to you is this how you want your life to be?

You don't need separate food shops, you need separate lives.

I wrongly assumed she had no savings (sorry).

OP has said she’s borrowed money for the wedding.

Totally agree. DH have a similar earnings disparity, no kids but we split everything proportionately to what we each earn. I think his attitude tells you a lot about who he is as a person, OP, and in my opinion YANBU.

Threads like this tend to attract some very depressing responses on MN, though. If a person (of either sex) isn't working full time and beyond and earning the highest salary they can (regardless of childcare needs or the absence of them) then that person is apparently a cock/fanny lodger. I see so many posts on threads like this that read as money-obsessed. There are so many other things in life that matter too when two people are living life together supposedly as a team.

My partner gave up a high paying job and now I am the higher earner. I just pay more than him. We have kids and I needed him happy and healthy, not worked to the bone and miserable.
If youbare planning a life, marriage and kids then you both have to want the same things. What would have hapoened if you stayed in corporate law and were on say 200k to his 90k. What would you think is fair. I would think its fair for 200k person to pay more than the 90k person. If you would be happy with that then you should suggest that tbe tables could very well turn again, or get even more skewed if you were on mat leave or had a child with additional needs and needed to stay home.
Its a good time to have all of these discussions.

Divorce him, take half of everything you have, buy somewhere up North for a fraction of the price and find someone who doesn't treat you like a housemate.

Hello @AnyPomegranate

Ive read all your posts - but not the full thread.

I worked those hours for a firm in London. I get it. You’ve made the choice you’ve made - but I would be very encouraging about a good life in law outside London. But it is what it is.

It seems to me that the balance in this relationship is off. When all is well and you’re conforming things seem ok. When things aren’t balanced exactly nothing can be adjusted and then there is no room for negotiation. Like he wants you to pay for his expensive items - that’s taking advantage.

I would not get into debt for your wedding - especially from your mother. Save for it - see if he will make the sacrifice / invest in it ahead of time. Or cut your cloth to suit.

If he doesn’t need to be in London for work (seems like only one day a week) the he is choosing his comfort over your ability to live.

He has you in a double bind. He wants you to live a life you can’t afford, but won’t share resources.

Get financial counselling before marriage at a minimum. It will only get worse from here and you’re clearly not happy.

I think the main issue here it appears he did not agree to you cut your hours and he not a provider type of man.

Get some legal advice if you can.

Overall YANBU. However, it does sound a bit like you've decided to change careers unilaterally and I could understand why that might annoy him as he now needs to contribute more.

There are two possibilities here- either you fundamentally value different things- for him it is money, whilst you value quality of life. You may no longer be compatible.

Or, you've moved into a lower paying job and will climb back to earning more- closer to what he earns or more than he earns. In which case he isn't acting like a partner in a relationship and is a selfish ass. If you end up earning more than him, watch the worm turn.

Either way, I wouldn't marry him.

Say no to the holidays and eating out.

I would postpone the wedding, as I can see a divorce in a few years time as you are not both on the same page re so many things.

Why would you get yourself into debt to pay for a wedding, even if it is to your mother you would be owing the money.

How much is he contributing to the wedding.

Agreed. Marriage means two people becoming one. I don’t actually think either is wrong but of they cannot reach a mutual agreement now I doubt this marriage will last. Good to reassess now before the wedding day.

Or any type of decent man

the house spilt is 55/45 yet the mortgage payments are 50/50

all the decisions are based around what he wants

I suspect the housework isn’t 50/50

he will make an awful dad and husband!

is he paying towards the wedding?

A cocklodger is generally described as a man doing fuck all work both in and out of the house and expecting the woman to run herself ragged keeping him in his preferred lifestyle. OP is working hard and is willing to compromise on lifestyle. She’s not asking her partner to subsidise her lifestyle, she’s saying she cannot afford to subsidise his. She is willing to cut back, he is not, and he expects her to keep losing money every month in order to maintain his spending levels. The only reason OP is asking him to pay more of the mortgage is because he won’t accept any reduction of lifestyle. If he’s insisting on the lifestyle he should pay for it. It certainly wouldn’t be acceptable for OP to be expecting her partner to pay for her to have expensive habits, but it’s also not acceptable for him to be expect her to live beyond her means to keep up with him. She’s doesn’t earn as
much as him. Even if we ignore how disgusting it is that he would have preferred her to have a mental breakdown than leave her job, right now his choice is that he can either pay more to subsidise OP, or he can accept that she will not be joining him in his extravagant lifestyle, he’s refusing to do either and demanding that she keep losing money every month.

For goodness sake OP just leave him. A man who refuses to compromise when your mental health is crumbling is not a man you want to settle down with.

The house split seems fair based on the fact he provided more of the deposit.

She's overpaying her share of the mortgage while he underpays and is paying 50% of the cost of items he wants and insists on buying allowing him to be left with money left over for himself. Hardly Wonderland.

Of course but he should be paying that share if the repayments as well then, not expecting he to pay 50% of the repayment and only get 45% of the equity

That makes no sense.

If I pay the 20% deposit then a fair split is for my deposit % to be ringfenced and we split the rest 50/50 which the remaining mortgage payments do.

The split is fair.

She is not overpaying her share.

But she couldn’t afford the mortgage without him…he on the other hand could! He is subsidising her, she signed up to pay half and the. Reduced her pay when he wasn’t keen, and now wants to pay less..SHE needs cut her cloth accordingly