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Original poster

It's not "passed" or "passed away", it's "died"

473 replies

SherlockHolmes · 31/07/2025 19:32

So sick of this euphemism being used everywhere. It's not factual - no one has passed anywhere, they're dead.

I get it if it's someone close to you and you can't bring yourself to actually mention death, but it's being used in news reports etc. Utterly ridiculous.

OP posts:
andanotherproblem · 02/08/2025 06:22

I say passed away as when your in the position at work of needing to tell a love one their family member has gone, it’s a hell of a lot nicer to say passed away opposed to your mums died.

ItsStillWork · 02/08/2025 06:37

When I worked in the care sector (over 15 years ago) I went on a course called “death and dying” and it was about the process people go through when someone has died.

the trainer was very big on when someone is being told their loved one has died, it’s the words you use that affects how the brain processes what’s been said.

so we were told never to use words like

  • gone to heaven
  • passed away
  • gone to be with (insert another dead relatives name)
  • gone on to another life

etc etc..

we say (insert name) has died. They have died.

using words like passed away, gone to heaven etc stops the brain from processing that that person has died and therefore the person doesn’t accept that their loved one has died.

gone to heaven, gone to sleep etc processes in your brain that they’re still around and they haven’t actually died. People who use these terms take much longer to accept and process death.

muddyford · 02/08/2025 06:43

ItsStillWork · 02/08/2025 06:37

When I worked in the care sector (over 15 years ago) I went on a course called “death and dying” and it was about the process people go through when someone has died.

the trainer was very big on when someone is being told their loved one has died, it’s the words you use that affects how the brain processes what’s been said.

so we were told never to use words like

  • gone to heaven
  • passed away
  • gone to be with (insert another dead relatives name)
  • gone on to another life

etc etc..

we say (insert name) has died. They have died.

using words like passed away, gone to heaven etc stops the brain from processing that that person has died and therefore the person doesn’t accept that their loved one has died.

gone to heaven, gone to sleep etc processes in your brain that they’re still around and they haven’t actually died. People who use these terms take much longer to accept and process death.

Thank you for that . When I was rung to be told my mother had died, that's what they said. Died. Any euphemism would have blunted that reality and made it more difficult to absorb.

musicismath · 02/08/2025 09:20

ItsStillWork · 02/08/2025 06:37

When I worked in the care sector (over 15 years ago) I went on a course called “death and dying” and it was about the process people go through when someone has died.

the trainer was very big on when someone is being told their loved one has died, it’s the words you use that affects how the brain processes what’s been said.

so we were told never to use words like

  • gone to heaven
  • passed away
  • gone to be with (insert another dead relatives name)
  • gone on to another life

etc etc..

we say (insert name) has died. They have died.

using words like passed away, gone to heaven etc stops the brain from processing that that person has died and therefore the person doesn’t accept that their loved one has died.

gone to heaven, gone to sleep etc processes in your brain that they’re still around and they haven’t actually died. People who use these terms take much longer to accept and process death.

You're saying that like it's true for everybody, but it isn't. I understand the reasoning, but imo it's a bit like insisting everyone needs to look at the dead body to properly accept death has occurred - again, true for some people but not the sort of universal truth it's made out to be.

EBearhug · 02/08/2025 10:44

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2025 06:08

Usually though you would get a hint from the person's demeanour/tone that they were not talking about passing a driving test, etc.

Also context: if the person's mother was 94, there's a good chance they weren't taking their civil service entry exams.

Although I did know of a 99 year old who died in the middle of her Duke of Edinburgh Silver Award but there's always one.

Show quote history

True, but I'm in my 50s and have an exam next week, so ot seems normal for me for people to take exams through life.

(Though not DofE, there's an upper age limit of 25 or 26 - I only just got my last bits in before it was too late.)

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/08/2025 11:44

EBearhug · 02/08/2025 10:44

True, but I'm in my 50s and have an exam next week, so ot seems normal for me for people to take exams through life.

(Though not DofE, there's an upper age limit of 25 or 26 - I only just got my last bits in before it was too late.)

Show quote history

Surely though they would say their mom passed an exam not just that she passed.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/08/2025 11:48

ItsStillWork · 02/08/2025 06:37

When I worked in the care sector (over 15 years ago) I went on a course called “death and dying” and it was about the process people go through when someone has died.

the trainer was very big on when someone is being told their loved one has died, it’s the words you use that affects how the brain processes what’s been said.

so we were told never to use words like

  • gone to heaven
  • passed away
  • gone to be with (insert another dead relatives name)
  • gone on to another life

etc etc..

we say (insert name) has died. They have died.

using words like passed away, gone to heaven etc stops the brain from processing that that person has died and therefore the person doesn’t accept that their loved one has died.

gone to heaven, gone to sleep etc processes in your brain that they’re still around and they haven’t actually died. People who use these terms take much longer to accept and process death.

Having gone through shock and loss the denial is real no matter what the words are.

I saw my husband and still asked the coroner the next day if he woke up.

The year of magical thinking by Joan Didion talks about the first year when you still expect them to come home.

Her husband died in front of her on Christmas Eve and she still left his shoes by the front door for when he came home. They were there for months.

The brain protects itself no matter what words are used.

EBearhug · 02/08/2025 12:35

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/08/2025 11:44

Surely though they would say their mom passed an exam not just that she passed.

Show quote history

That's the point though. It's ambiguous. I hadn't seen her for a couple of years, I was thinking about exams because of things in my own life. She didn't seem particularly upset until after i had said, "that's great!" If she'd said passed away or died, it would have avoided both of us confusion and upset. But just passed isn't clear. She'd have appreciated me bot reacting like it was a good thing, I'd have appreciated it being clear she had died. As it was, all I could do was apologise for misunderstanding.

mondaytosunday · 02/08/2025 14:15

@EBearhugcome on. You ask someone who’s parents are presumably elderly, how
they are, you are asking about their well being. What is more likely, that they are taking exams in their (perhaps) 70s or 80s? Or that they are dead? Just because YOU took some exams in your 50s? That sounds like you can’t think beyond what’s happening in your own life.

Notanartist81 · 02/08/2025 15:07

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Notanartist81 · 02/08/2025 15:08

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Theyreeatingthedogs · 02/08/2025 15:59

I don't want to pass away. Dying is good enough for me!

XWKD · 02/08/2025 16:01

"Passed away" isn't bad, but "passed" makes my skin crawl.

Clawdy · 02/08/2025 16:11

A friend whose brother committed suicide used the phrase: "Freed himself in his own way..." I found that very moving.

Notanartist81 · 02/08/2025 16:21

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UrbanOasis · 02/08/2025 16:23

Hate passed away or even worse passed. Horrible euphemisms. Humans die. That's it. However naturally people can use what terms work for them.

Ffflover · 02/08/2025 17:04

Better than "unalived".

poppy48 · 02/08/2025 17:07

SherlockHolmes · 31/07/2025 19:32

So sick of this euphemism being used everywhere. It's not factual - no one has passed anywhere, they're dead.

I get it if it's someone close to you and you can't bring yourself to actually mention death, but it's being used in news reports etc. Utterly ridiculous.

Everyone has their own words when someone dies. I always say passed away. Personally I can't see why it makes you sick tbh.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 02/08/2025 17:12

I agree OP. I recall when the paramedic brought us into the lounge to tell us the CPR on my dad had failed l, she used the word "deceased" .

Brutal but matter of fact and very clear. Not meant with any harm. Just clarity.

Alliod40 · 02/08/2025 17:12

Do you hear yourself fgs the people that say this probably cannot or do not want to use the word died,dead or whatever else is used as it extremely upsets them..let them use whatever is easiest for them and you stick with your miserable life you lead..

poppy48 · 02/08/2025 17:12

That's rather harsh. Does it matter how someone takes their life. It's a very sad situation for those left behind. Not everyone would want to say "my son cut his writs". It's easier for them to say he took his own life.

Notanartist81 · 02/08/2025 17:13

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poppy48 · 02/08/2025 17:17

Not really sure whose post needs rereading tbh.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 02/08/2025 17:17

ItsStillWork · 02/08/2025 06:37

When I worked in the care sector (over 15 years ago) I went on a course called “death and dying” and it was about the process people go through when someone has died.

the trainer was very big on when someone is being told their loved one has died, it’s the words you use that affects how the brain processes what’s been said.

so we were told never to use words like

  • gone to heaven
  • passed away
  • gone to be with (insert another dead relatives name)
  • gone on to another life

etc etc..

we say (insert name) has died. They have died.

using words like passed away, gone to heaven etc stops the brain from processing that that person has died and therefore the person doesn’t accept that their loved one has died.

gone to heaven, gone to sleep etc processes in your brain that they’re still around and they haven’t actually died. People who use these terms take much longer to accept and process death.

Yes. I appreciate the paramedic using the words "he is now deceased" for my Dad. No disrespect just absolute clarity.

I thought it was weird wording a few days later and I remember the word she used, but I guess that's why.

tuvamoodyson · 02/08/2025 17:18

It’s whatever people are comfortable with…

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