To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

[Helpmeup]

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

If you don't want a relationship with the baby you will not have a relationship with an older child. You should think very carefully about what sort of mother you will be.

You end up loving your own babies, even if you don't like others. Also, accept that babies are kind of boring and don't really do much. My kids are older primary age and I do prefer it to when they were tiny. But their interests grow over time and you can be a part of that instead of getting a fully formed being at once.

Raising a small child is not boring, monotonous etc. Yes, the first 6 weeks can be somewhat sleep deprived, but it’s only a few weeks.
You are getting a whole new human being. The opportunity to learn about the world through their eyes.
They are born as a bundle of reflexes. They know nothing, can control nothing. They can’t even see more than a couple of inches away and that’s in greyscale with eyes that aren’t coordinated to work together.
You have the joy and privilege of watching their brains learn to control arms hands and legs. To teach them how the world around them works. Everything they do is a first experience and you get to share and enhance it.

You teach them about shapes, colours, stars, moon and the sky, what water feels like and how it moves, where rain comes from, the different animals there are and the sounds they make. What you can do playing with sand and mud, plasticine and water. Building blocks, Lego, to collecting sticks and stones, or shells to decorate ‘art’ To walk and talk and swim. Go to parks and climb, the beach and paddle the hills and find deer, foxes, all the different birds …the list of experience is enormous and you get to share the wonder of it all all over again.

Books and finger painting , pencil rubbings of leaves. Make them realise where their food is from, that water does not come from taps or milk from the fridge.
It’s the best time of their lives and yours, when their brains are like sponges absorbing so much, so quickly and they are yours. Before the outside influences of school and other people wreck it,

A lot of parents seem to think they have a small adult in a toddler. They are bad, naughty, need punished.

They don’t. Tantrums are children processing feelings and emotions. They never had feelings and emotions. They have to learn to handle those and even what they are when the emotions hit them, sometimes a whole series at one time and it’s overwhelming. They aren’t being ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ . They are having new overwhelming experience and it takes time to learn to deal with these frightening times.
My mistake#2 once commented that my grandson, not his, should not be allowed to be angry or upset . I told him, the child is 3, has hardly had time to learn about emotions,
you are 63 and get angry and throw tantrums several times every day. What’s your excuse?

Children need guidance, and understanding and help to cope. Not punishment or anger thrown back at them.
Once you see a child as a ‘blank canvas’ rather than a miniature adult that just needs to be told what to do, it all falls into place and it’s fun. You know why they do what they do and it’s not because they want to wind you up.
That comes later

I have 3 children.
Newborns are hard work and you don’t get enough sleep 😴 however if you can get a support network in place for some help that makes a huge difference.
That might just be getting someone in to keep your house clean and getting your partner to take over with baby / do the cooking / laundry etc .
Other stages have advantages and disadvantages, the main thing is you need a support network/ babysitter / daycare so you can carve out a little bit of time for yourself.
That really needs to be guaranteed.
I didn’t have that at all so it was very tiring .

Fearing it is the best way to go into it. I was expecting it to be hell on earth. I wanted kids but not babies. Because I was dreading it so much, I ended up surprised with how enjoyable parts of it were.
The people I know who had pnd were people who thought having a baby would be some sort of dream come true. Much better to go into it with your eyes wide open and on the pessimistic side.

Some really great replies already, and glad they’ve been helpful.

I’ll be honest I’ve not trawled through everything, as I should really be going to sleep, but have you considered adoption? Obviously their own challenges, but there are loads of older children who would love a loving home.

I hope you work it out.

My toddler didn't have tantrums but would get hangry. We used to find they only happened when a meal was late.

My friend once likened small children to duty underwear. It's much easier when it's your own than other people's. It was the most comforting and accurate advice I ever got.

The thing is, every child is different. My daughter as a baby was amazing, slept well, barely cried. As cute as a button in toddler years and her strong personality and intelligence started coming through, so a little challenging at times but really great age. It’s incredible experience to see your own child growing up. Undeniably, there are ups and downs but it’s very different when it’s your own child. I wish I could have had more than one, which for me has been the most challenging part and now she’s a teenager I feel the loss as she’s moving away from needing me and spending more time with her friends.
do you have good support, someone a child could have sleepovers at regularly of sleep becomes an issue?

My son was a lovely baby and toddler then a nightmare from 7 to 19, fine now he is an adult. Daughter was a difficult baby and toddler (didn’t sleep much) but she was lovely as a teen and adult. They are all so completely different you just won’t know what it is going to be like. Also, I’m am not a maternal type or a cuddly mum really but I love my kids and we get on so well now, I was also wondering whether I should have any as I don’t really like them much (other peoples anyway).