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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

135 replies

Helpmeup · 31/07/2025 12:35

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 31/07/2025 13:20

Helpmeup · 31/07/2025 12:52

Lack of sleep for one, I already suffer with insomnia and when I go through a pad patch it really impacts my mental health.

And I have just heard about how difficult toddlers are. Tantrums and not listening etc. it seems like it’s just a battle. Stories that my colleagues tell me, everything I see online about how boring and lonely and monotonous and exhausting it is raising a small child. It just doesn’t sound fun and most people that I know seem like they don’t enjoy it. I get a lot of “don’t have kids” comments from friends who are struggling with toddlers just being standard toddlers. There are no children in my family so I don’t have any experience at all. It’s just from what I have heard

Not all toddlers are like this I promise. It’s a bit of a lottery but some are a real blast. Don’t listen to the noise, you’ll find your own way.

Cacktus · 31/07/2025 13:23

I won’t sugar coat it for you OP. Yes it’s bloody hard, but for me, I had a very fussy baby who then became a real handful up until the age of about 4. I also had very limited family help and a husband who worked away a lot. Those factors almost certainly played a huge part in why it was so hard because I was doing so much of it alone.

anyway I only had one child because I couldn’t face going through it again. He is now ten and absolutely amazing and I’m so glad I had him.

But, it’s taken a decade to feel somewhat back to my old self, happy and content (mostly!)
So yeah, it’s a long slog and you’re being very sensible for considering all of this before you take the plunge.

Id say that if you really do want to have kids (or perhaps just one) then you’ll probably hugely regret not going for it. But just go into it prepared.

WhiteNoiseBlur · 31/07/2025 13:30

It’s so difficult because you genuinely don’t know how you will feel until you’re doing it. There are multiple threads on here weekly from mums saying they hate their kid, they hate their life, they wish they’d never decided to have a baby. That could end up being you. Or there are parents on here who love being parents more than anything in the world. That could also be you! Another thing to consider - My friend has two autistic children, and her day to day life looks so tough as an outsider watching her. She is on antidepressants and is in therapy. But she loves her kids beyond measure. Good luck x

BumpyaDaisyevna · 31/07/2025 13:32

Just to say, you don't actually know how you will feel about your own baby, until you have them.

You might anticipate that you will find it hard, but really you have no idea. It is one of life's great unknowns!

I think the challenge you may be wrestling with is committing yourself for life to something you can't truly know much about. It makes sense that it causes a lot of anxiety, because it is absolutely bonkers that we all do it.

But also wonderful ...

BumpyaDaisyevna · 31/07/2025 13:33

And also, you wont feel one thing about your baby, you will feel a whole load of contradictory feelings, sometimes simultaneously!

TheAlaskanTrail68 · 31/07/2025 13:35

BumpyaDaisyevna · 31/07/2025 13:33

And also, you wont feel one thing about your baby, you will feel a whole load of contradictory feelings, sometimes simultaneously!

Absolutely this!

DoorOpening · 31/07/2025 13:36

One thing to remember, which is maybe obvious but maybe not, is that you won’t just be dealing with “a toddler” that’s having a tantrum. Random children screaming are pretty alarming and awful!

But this will be your toddler. ie a tiny person about whom you will know everything there is to know, and with whom you have a profoundly bonded and intimate relationship. It’s hard to imagine that relationship until you are in it.

(It’s definitely tiring though!)

HappydaysArehere · 31/07/2025 13:39

If you don’t have children then you won’t have grandchildren. They are a rich reward.
Babyhood is such a short time. Just see it as a really interesting time. Their development is fascinating. Of course they are all time consuming but it is a challenge you can get through. You will love them more than you could ever imagine. Also it will be the only time you are in complete control so no worrying about what they are doing. When I took my new born somewhere so many years ago a man looked at us and said “that’s the best age”. So set yourself up with books about babies that tell you all sorts of things about their care and development. It’s laughable now but in 1963 I bought Dr Spock. I remember being amazed that he knew so much about my child. Later for some reason he was discredited. Don’t know why! You may well find a book to pick up whenever there is something to worry about; and you will worry about that nappy rash (zinc and caster oil was all that was needed) etc etc. However, once the first three months are got through and colic is over when more solids are introduced you will have a gorgeous, wonderful little cherub…as for those first steps …..well it’s just miraculous. Go for it girl or you will regret it.

ItsNotMeEither · 31/07/2025 13:40

I do understand and the baby/toddler stage is both hard, hard, hard and wonderful.

Pre kids, I used to say, I wish someone would just deliver my kids to me once they’re 10, although, I’d have been willing to accept 4 year olds. 😂😂

I knew I wanted children, but not necessarily babies. But, I had four children in six years and they’re all adults now. I Just wish one of them would eventually have a child, so I could still get some of those baby cuddles.

Go for it, you’ll be fine. Tired! But fine.

SarahAndQuack · 31/07/2025 13:42

Just anecdata, but FWIW, I also assumed the baby/toddler stage would be horribly hard and I'd really struggle. I actually found I really liked those stages. DD was a terrible sleeper and it was hard, but an awful lot of what I had assumed would be difficult, just wasn't. You don't know until you try - which is terrifying in itself, but I do think the early stages get unfair bad press.

I actually found it really fascinating how much you can communicate with and understand and enjoy being around a non-verbal baby and a young toddler. They can be absolutely delightful - not in a cute 'aww, how adorable' way, but just because you can see how much they are thinking and figuring things out, and they are often very funny. I did not know how early on babies develop a sense of humour!

Helpmeup · 31/07/2025 13:42

mindutopia · 31/07/2025 13:10

Having had both little and big kids, I will say that the baby/toddler years are absolutely not the hardest ones. Their needs are quite simple as babies and the hard bit is just being tired. Preteens/teens is hard. I think people see a 14 year old and think, oh, they can sit and have a pleasant conversation without screaming and throwing juice, which they can.

What people who aren’t their parents don’t see is the screaming ‘I hate you!’ because they aren’t allowed a sleepover, or the stress of constantly managing online safety (because no matter how much you don’t allow them to have Snapchat, one of their friends knows how to hack their parental controls so they can download it), or the worries about friendships or body image or the anxiety of witnessing a fight at school and worrying about retaliation. Big kids are hard work.

So I do think you need to think about the long road, not just getting through the first couple years and if you want to do that.

That said, you are still young, no need to make any decisions now, as long as you’re honest with your partner about your uncertainty.

Edited

I feel like the root of my fear comes down to tiredness. I feel like if I was guaranteed a full nights sleep, I wouldn’t be AS worried about the baby and toddlers years. But dealing with everything that it involves on only a few hours of broken sleep I feel like will make me spiral and depressed. I know what I’m like when I’m tired, it’s a wonder my fiancé puts up with me. I am irritable, not patient, highly emotional, I can’t seem to cope with small tasks. I’m a much better person when I’ve had decent sleep, which I know is true for most people but I can’t imagine having to deal with a toddler while I feel like that.

Other stages of their lives also sound scary and hard but I don’t dread them. I can look at them more in a nuanced way and know that you take the good with the bad and muddle along and get through it. All I see for those first few years are exhaustion and tears and questioning what the hell I have done!

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/07/2025 13:45

Helpmeup · 31/07/2025 13:42

I feel like the root of my fear comes down to tiredness. I feel like if I was guaranteed a full nights sleep, I wouldn’t be AS worried about the baby and toddlers years. But dealing with everything that it involves on only a few hours of broken sleep I feel like will make me spiral and depressed. I know what I’m like when I’m tired, it’s a wonder my fiancé puts up with me. I am irritable, not patient, highly emotional, I can’t seem to cope with small tasks. I’m a much better person when I’ve had decent sleep, which I know is true for most people but I can’t imagine having to deal with a toddler while I feel like that.

Other stages of their lives also sound scary and hard but I don’t dread them. I can look at them more in a nuanced way and know that you take the good with the bad and muddle along and get through it. All I see for those first few years are exhaustion and tears and questioning what the hell I have done!

Just as you're questioning what the hell you have done, your baby will give you a beautiful smile, or your toddler will give you a sticky kiss and tell you they love you, and you'll forgive them anything.

Don't underestimate the power of the love people have for their children.

WaltzingWaters · 31/07/2025 13:46

I absolutely love the baby and toddler years. My DS is 3 1/2 and I can honestly say we’ve literally only had one tantrum at all, and that was when he was so ridiculously overtired after a busy holiday then a day at nursery. But I know I’m lucky with a pretty chilled child and it can be a hell of a lot harder (as I’ll maybe find out with my second due in December!). I have nannied for some toddlers who have had frequent monster tantrums so I do know that side of things too!

Is your partner the type of man to be hands on? Does he willingly do his fair share of housework and would he be someone to help with night wakings and getting up in the morning to allow you a bit of a sleep in when needed? Obviously a hands on partner makes the biggest difference to how easy and enjoyable parenting can be.

RoseAlone · 31/07/2025 13:47

The baby/toddler stage are the easiest ones!!

tinygigolo · 31/07/2025 13:48

I felt the exact same way- I knew babies were never going to be my favourite and I planned accordingly - made plans to go back to work early, put in place good childcare, instilled good sleep habits from day 1, made sure my partner was fully involved and shared our parental leave. I treated the baby days as something to get through. It’s got better every year since then, I now have older primary kids and it is wonderful, so life enhancing - a bit of self awareness makes it easier I think

Bimblebombles · 31/07/2025 13:51

The bit I loved about that stage was the friends I made with other mothers who were going through exactly the same shit as I was. I would recommend joining a pregnancy yoga group or NCT or something, so that you connect with others before the birth and you have friends ready to hit the ground running with when your baby is born and you need that support. I spent so many nice times sitting in my friend's living room, us both breast feeding, having had very little sleep, just drinking cups of tea together and bonding. Or my friend would come round to mine for lunch and maybe a cry, and I'd send her home with a Tupperware of food as support, and we all got each other through the difficult times.

It is difficult having a very small child, and there were many parts I found hard, but community gets you through it and the bonds last a lifetime.

I look back on that time with pride now; I got through it, even though I struggled. It made me resilient and I think increased my patience and compassion for others.

TaborlinTheGreat · 31/07/2025 14:05

They aren't all terrible sleepers (mine weren't) and they're not all demon toddlers. I found 14-16 the hardest age tbh, and I was (and still am) a secondary school teacher with decades of experience of teenagers. I found the baby age ok and toddler age a breeze, even though I was never the type to be interested in other people's babies and toddlers before I had my own. Tbh the worst bit is childbirth...

FortheloveofCheesus · 31/07/2025 14:08

Blimey they don't cry constantly!

My eldest barely ever cried. Just ate, slept and shat. Found silly faces highly funny and would sit giggling like a chubby little bear.

Yes they cry sometimes and it can be normal for them to have phases where they seem to cry inconsolably. But they can also be cuddly sweet little balls of joy, who laugh and smile and snuggle into you.

TheAlaskanTrail68 · 31/07/2025 14:15

Also, don’t feel you have to slavishly follow current parenting trends if they don’t suit you op.

Somewhat controversially, I did sleep train my two for a brief period, because I felt that when they reached a stage when they became too tired, adrenaline kicked in and it was that which was keeping them awake.

Also I didn’t do baby led weaning as the mess gave me the ick (so shoot me 😆). I put my focus on food quality and variety and made home made purees and fed them with a spoon and a bib. And then when it was appropriate, moved them to a small table and chair set and fed them finger foods. They are both good eaters now as young adults!

So choose your own way op and have confidence in those choices! By all means read the latest research and science and keep an open mind but be aware that parenting fashions change like everything else and some come full circle.

What is often forgotten in our bid to do our absolute best for our dc, is the welfare of the mother, and how directly that impacts on the welfare of the child,

The expectations on women now are so ridiculously high. You have to hold down a job, breast feed for six months or longer, parent perfectly with exceptional emotional intelligence at all times , live in a pristine designer house, be lovingly emotionally present to your spouse and family, exercise and look good, facilitate your child’s education, hobbies and sports and extra curricular activities while providing healthy delicious food every night! It’s just impossible! The way through it op, is to choose a few things that are most important to you and contract out or lower your standards on the rest and have confidence in your choices. And allow those priorities to adapt and change as the years go on!

It’s easy to say from a distance of around twenty years, but many young women who think deeply about things like you op - which is definitely a positive btw - are prepared to sacrifice so much of themselves to give their babies and young dc the best care ever, when it would be better for those children imho, if their mothers chilled a bit more and focused on being more relaxed and happy
themselves.

There’s obviously a balance to be struck; there are serious and important sacrifices you have to make as a parent for your dc, but the whole experience shouldn’t feel like one long dreary punishment. It is gently relentless in the early years and the hardest thing for me was the fact that there were no breaks in the demands during weekends or holidays. But it’s amazing what you can get used to! And people don’t talk so much about the unconditional love and huge rewards that come with it.

FortheloveofCheesus · 31/07/2025 14:26

I feel like the root of my fear comes down to tiredness. I feel like if I was guaranteed a full nights sleep, I wouldn’t be AS worried about the baby and toddlers years. But dealing with everything that it involves on only a few hours of broken sleep I feel like will make me spiral and depressed.

Your body does change. If you breastfeed, it helps you fall back to sleep after a night feed. Not all babies are bad sleepers, and with a supportive partner you find ways to manage together. Don't seek parenting perfection, it doesn't exist. Plan to muddle through and you'll be fine.

Catsandcannedbeans · 31/07/2025 14:27

In my opinion how “bad” the baby/toddler stage is depends a lot on your DH. There’s other factors, and some babies are definitely harder than others - DD was easier than DS, but now it’s the other way round lol. Having a hands on and supportive partner makes a massive, massive difference. It obviously impacts all of parenthood, but for me it made the biggest difference when they were babies. I was physically wiped out and they were pretty much stuck to me in the very early days, so he had to do everything else.

DaveWatts · 31/07/2025 14:29

I was never interested in babies, hated small children and thought I would be gritting my teeth until they were about 7. To my surprise I actually loved the baby stage - even with a bad sleeper. So you never know until you get there!

Beamur · 31/07/2025 14:33

It's good to go into thinking about children very carefully.
Some babies are easier than others. Some teens will push you beyond the end of your patience, some are easy to parent.
What you don't feel or see as a third party is how children make you feel.
Granted not everyone loves being a parent (or is any good at it) but assuming the middle ground - being a parent has made me very happy. I have enjoyed every stage even if I didn't love every part of it! DD has by far been the best thing I have ever done and will hopefully always be my favourite person. I have no regrets.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 31/07/2025 14:38

I think we're all just muddling through life really OP - those of us with DCs and those without!
It's worth remembering that it is the best time to have children now. By that I mean, there is so much more we know about babies, their growth, development, sleep patterns and we have so many more tricks and techniques and gadgets when compared to 20 or so years ago and there is so much more help and support out there.

I'd recommend you do two things. Try to sort your own sleep issues - apologies if you've already gone into detail about this but I didn't see it. Have you had therapy about it, medication or seen sleep professionals yourself? Might be worth trying to get to the bottom of your sleep problems. The second thing is I would do lots of homework to find out what support is available locally. Do you have family or close friends nearby that would offer practical and/or emotional support? Never underestimate a little old church toddler group for some incredible support on everything from breast feeding clinics, play experts and other parents who will offer support and a shoulder to cry on.
You sound like you are expecting to be alone with this but you don't have to be - although for some being a new parent can be lonely and isolating. Do your homework and read some positive posts and stories on babies and toddlers.

Also, for what it's worth my two DCs who are now adults didn't really have toddler tantrums - they were a pain at times but it was all fleeting and very manageable. It is not a definite!

Scorchio84 · 31/07/2025 14:42

TeddyRocknRoll123 · 31/07/2025 12:45

@Mrsttcno1 you either had a good sleeper or can deal with sleep deprivation better than others.

This is true in fairness, all babies & toddlers are different so it's arbitrary & a bit disingenuous to compare like with like, that said don't fear the toddler stage, the laughter & absurdity of watching life through a toddlers eyes is priceless

I'd go back in a heartbeat

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