To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

[Helpmeup]

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

I'd say the baby and toddler stage is easier than when they start school, both from a finding childcare perspective and how they are to handle. I found I actually slept more with a newborn than while pregnant as I suffered horrible insomnia and still had to get up for work. About ages 4 - 10 is rough, really rough sometimes. You have to navigate wraparound childcare. And from the child's perspective expectations grow but ability to meet them doesn't always keep step. But you kind of get through all the stages, whichever you don't find easy and they are worth it in the end.

This is pretty much what I’m expecting tbh. After a bad nights sleep I already find it incredibly hard to get through the day. I drive to work thinking I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day. I go into the toilets sometimes to just close my eyes. Then I get home and sometimes have to get straight into bed because I’m so exhausted that I feel physically ill. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel like that AND also look after a child. I honestly don’t think I would be able to do it, and I don’t know how anyone else does it

Oh no! I hope it gets better for you… how many do you have and how old are they?

In my opinion, how much you'll enjoy the baby and toddler years is directly correlated with how supportive your partner is and how equal your partnership is. If he is the kind of person who notices when stuff needs done, gets on with things including mental load, would be keen to share paternity leave, then you're less likely to be the default parent, more likely to get a physical break and mentally feel less like its all on you. This is the most important thing to consider when you have a baby. Sit down and discuss all the practical stuff, as boring as the detail sounds - how would night feeds be split, how will finances work especially if one of you go part time, how will house chores be split especially if one of you is on pat / mat leave, what will you both do about hobbies, holidays with mates etc, how will pat leave be shared, how will nursery or school pick up or drop off, and emeregency days off to look after your sick kid when they can't go to school/ nursery all be shared? What if the baby really prefers one of you at the time and won't settle for the other etc?

For what it's worth I enjoyed these years much more than I thought I would. The innocence of it, the way their brains work, how quick they develop, the toddler logic, the wonder they find in really simple things like splashing in puddles us all fun and makes you feel good and makes up for the tantrums and refusal of keeping socks on etc. Neither of my two particularly tantrummed either, I think if you're very consistent about never giving in / distracting/ reasoning when they're a bit older they learn it's not worth it.

By contrast I've found the late primary school years more challenging. Moodiness, pointless arguing, over dramatics, whinging etc is all much harder than I anticipated to deal with

It's fine not to want to have a child, for whatever reason.

The days and nights are very very long when you sleep deprived.
But yeh they grow up.
How do you manage other challenges and tricky situations?

How do you approach challenges generally?
Go on some adventure holidays outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself. do you give up or keep going? Do you walk away and say I cannot do not want to do this? Or look to the end goal?

But it s OK to choose not have children as well.
Make your life easier!!

It's probably the most difficult thing you will ever do... but once you get into the swing of it, it doesn't seem as hard. And when they're your own they aren't as tedious.

I would say since my baby turned 12 weeks (shes 5 months now) we've been pretty happy and content, no other time will you have a little babe lock their gaze onto you and only you and follow your every move, smiling when you catch their eye. Some moments at this age are like golddust. I actually get nostalgic of those horrendous early days as she is growing so fast. My girl is a fairly good sleeper though since we started cosleeping, and I think that makes a difference day to day.

I had a good sleeper. But you're never allowed to mention it, because people think you're lying or pretending about how long they sleep. Mine was sleeping through - from 10pm to 7am - from 6 weeks old.

OP, you only hear the horror stories/times. For every shouty moment, there is a cuddle with mama. For every "NO!!" there is a giggle.

God that sounds twee, but mine is now 21 years old and I don't regret a moment of it.

Some babies / toddlers are just much easier than others, but you don’t know what you’re going to get! If you have good family support and live in a community with lots going on for parents and toddlers then you might find it easier. Honestly the hardest age is probably 1 year old to 2.5 when their language is only just starting to develop. After that it does get better, but it is still hard work. I have older children / teens now and do sometimes feel wistful about their younger years. There is so much joy to be found though in amongst the tiredness and crazy moments.

@Helpmeup you get on with it. I work full time, have done so since he was 6 months. Your standards just have to drop. You don't look as nice, you get fat, you can't exercise and diet, you don't socialize as much etc. You give your baby and your work everything and know that some day they'll start sleeping more and you can start recovering.

It will be tough but if you have your Mum nearby to help, you will cope. It’s amazing how much better you feel just handing the baby over for an hour or two and having a shower and a nap. Everything feels more manageable afterwards and the day has been broken up/less of it to get through. You should also chat to your partner about how you want to handle nights. Some people want their partners up at nights with them. It will depend a bit on whether you breast feed or bottle feed. But find a system where you both get some sleep. I used to be up in the night breastfeeding. My DH would sleep in the spare room but then take the baby at 5am so that I could have a few hours sleep before he went to work.
I had to accept that we would have good days and bad days. On good days we all got some sleep and I managed to get out of the house with baby. On bad days I was in my dressing gown feeding and crying all day. But the cuddles were worth it and we came out the other side. Wishing you the best when the time comes.
ETA, I don’t suffer from insomnia but do suffer from migraines with lack of sleep being the biggest trigger, so I understand your fears!

You sound exactly like me OP- same lifelong issues with sleep and OCD around it. I've had 2 kids. I've managed with frequent naps- i still nap every Saturday and Sunday and I used to nap on weekdays too, during mat leave and even after I went back to work (luckily I wfh). I sleep trained both kids and my husband started taking the monitor every night when I finished breastfeeding.
With a supportive partner and leeway to WFH you'll be OK even if your baby is a bad sleeper.
Edited to add- i take sleeping pills too. There are some you can take even while breastfeeding.

I realised it was hard because it wasn’t the baby, it was DH. He changed and made everything more stressful. Our parenting styles were opposites too (me more relaxed and he was uptight). When I look back, I realise it was hard because I didn’t have the supportive partner and also a support network either with no family support.

DC is now 3 and everything is easier. DH and I worked through our issues. I won’t be having another though.

I loved the toddler years. Two was my favourite age for both my children. They are so funny at that age and you can literally see them learning and developing before your very eyes. Neither of mine had tantrums.
Sleep deprivation during the baby years on the other hand? Yes, that sucked, but somehow you cope.

I hated the baby stage, hated it but it is short and I knew if I wanted DC, I had to get through it which is what I did.

Things that helped me which may or may not help you (also depends on baby to a certain extent of course).

I formula fed from birth which meant I didn't have the pressure of being the only one that could feed baby, it was much easier to deal with feeding knowing that it was also shared just like nappy changes etc.

I went back to work earlier than the standard maternity leave. This without a doubt made me a better mother as it really helped me feel like 'me' again.

I was very routine orientated and mine slept through from an early age, I also taught them how to self settle. It was much easier to deal with knowing they would sleep 7-7 unless they were teething or poorly. Obviously helped not always feeling exhausted too.

I had DC with a good man who believes parenting is just as much his responsibility as it is mine. Don't settle, if you are with someone who slacks around the house and can be quite lazy, don't have a baby with him.

No I felt that way as well.

i had horrendous sickness during my pregnancy and then turned out to be having twins.

honestly the baby stage I found hard but I think anyone would with twins. Toddlers by that point I’d got the hang of it. Obviously tantrums aren’t fun but I still remember chilling out by the side of a road one summer chatting to twin 2 for 45 mins while twin 1 got on with having his tantrum.

it gets bettter surprisingly quickly.

I sounded so much like you, op, especially with the sleep. Luckily ds was a good napper and slept through at 12 weeks. There were a few days that I didn’t get much sleep but not nearly as many as I thought. However, you really don’t know what you’re going to get, and have to decide if you want to take the ‘gamble’. I’m so glad I did!

It doesn't always have to be a negative experience so try not to assume it’s going to be terrible! My first was the easiest baby alive, slept and fed really well and everyone used to say he was the happiest baby they’d ever met. They used to say just wait until he’s a toddler it’s going to get so much harder, and I can tell you that he’s now a feral toddler who gives zero fucks, doesn’t listen, charges around like a bull on steroids and maxes out my energy every day… but my god I love this age so much! He’s so fun, funny and full of personality that I look back and think this is way better than the baby stage! And I say that having also having recently had a newborn who doesn’t sleep, feeds round the clock and keeps me up alllll night 😂 and I still wake up and look forward to starting the day with them. Just be prepared to be bloody tired and having to muster up energy that you didn’t know you had, but it all passes and your body weirdly adjusts to new sleeping patterns and it naturally gets easier to cope. You will be fine 😊

Sitting here with my 3-week old and can confidently say today is going so much better than how I felt in my first week, when I truly felt like I couldn’t cope. It’s still hard - harder than I expected, because I wasn’t as insightful as you - but the knowledge that things are on an upward trajectory, albeit a rocky one, is getting me through the tougher moments. You will adapt; I have adapted so quickly because I’ve had to. As others have pointed out, a supportive partner is EVERYTHING. A week ago we introduced formula feeds through the night so I could start getting some sleep, and salvaging that has been a game-changer. You are really wise to consider how sleep deprivation will affect you. But my answer to that would be to not aim for an idealized version of motherhood. You don’t have to do everything, you don’t have to exclusively breastfeed, and your partner can and should take some of the load off you in a way that protects your sleep as much as possible. The perinatal mental health team at your hospital should be able to help you during your pregnancy to prepare for how you might feel after the birth. Someone has written in a previous post that birth was the worst bit, but for me in week one I was thinking I’d rather go through labour every day than face some of the mental strain I was under. Just to say: it’s different for all of us. But the fact you’re forward-thinking about very real issues like sleep deprivation will help not hinder you!

Teens are by far the worst stage. The fact is you love them and you get through it. I’d recommend a decent dh/support system and if you are worried about sleep etc just have 1 or leave a 4/5 year gap.

I always said pre children I wished I could get mine at age 4. I’ve now got a 2yr old boy, and I wouldnt exchange it for the world. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. I’m so tired and feel like I need a month in a a quiet and dark room. But I never expected how much I’d laugh on a daily basis, how much his smile would melt my heart, how I’d do anything just to feel his head under mine when he sits on my lap to read a book, or to have his bedtime bottle of milk.
i didn’t love the newborn-6month stage but I appreciate it helped with the bonding. But from 6months onwards it’s been amazing. (Probably because it coincided with me going to work and him going to nursery which gives me a break). I still sometimes think gosh I can’t wait until you’re 5 and we can do xyz but then I regret wishing the time away.

I hate the baby stage but was surprised how quickly it gets better. From about 18 months it’s much better (also cos I’m back at work so not relentless). I thought I’d hate it til they were 5ish! I also knew I’d hate the baby stage and I did! But those formative years help to make the toddler and older years better and closer relationship.

I currently massively regret having a baby, I haven’t had more than two hours sleep in a row for 9 months and I’m on the verge of a breakdown.

i feel like I probably find it harder than everyone else though because everyone in our antenatal class seems to be thriving so I’m the shit outlier.

I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and honestly in many ways the 6 year old is harder work than her younger brother. Personally I am not a fan of the baby stage but 2-3 is brilliant and so much fun as you get to see their little personalities. Already dreading the teen years…