To want a child but be terrified of the baby/toddler stage

[Helpmeup]

I am 31 years old, my finance and I are planning to TTC after we get married but I am very very nervous and questioning myself and whether I can do it.

I know that I want a child and a family but I always picture an older child/teen/adult and am pretty terrified of going through the baby and toddler stage. I know I will hate it and find it so difficult that I’m not actually sure I’d be able to cope. I have said for so long that I don’t want children but I realised the reason why I was saying this is because I was picturing crying babies and toddler tantrums. People say they are only this little for such a short amount of time and I feel like if this is something I want, I will have to grin and bear those years and just get through them somehow.

I know that every stage and age comes with its challenges. It’s not as if they turn 7 years old and suddenly everything is perfect and you never have a problem again. But I feel like I may be “better” with the challenges that older ages bring.

My question is, if I feel this way should I just accept it’s not for me, even though I really do have the maternal urge and long for a family? Or is it normal to not like these stages? Has anyone else felt the same?
I know myself and I know I would suffer (or maybe I’ll surprise myself and enjoy it more than I’m expecting). But is suffering through the first 3/4 years or so worth it?

Can you explain what it is that you’re so worried about with the baby & toddler years OP? I have a toddler (and now pregnant with my second baby) and I have to say it’s been really lovely. Not without it’s challenges of course but nothing is, don’t believe everything you see on social media which makes it out to be hell on earth all day every day there is a lot of fear mongering!

Well I didn't fear the baby stage and it took me by surprise just how hard it has been 🤣🤣🤣 if an idiot like me can do it, so can you.

Seriously, my baby is a terrible sleeper and the sleep deprivation is off the charts. Allergies and colic. Zero family support. Yet here I am, he's 11 months, and his cute little face and his little chubby hands on my face make up for it.

In a lot of ways, they don't need much as babies. Physically it's extremely hard for you and quite tedious at times, but it's SIMPLE. They need love, cuddles, food, play.

Once they go to school it's a whole different ballgame, it gets complicated, hormones, you're no longer the main influence so you lose a lot of parental control etc.

It's a rollercoaster. I wouldn't fear a particular stage if I were you but I would say think carefully about the total loss of freedom you will experience.

I won't lie the 18months-3 years is HARD. But coming from someone who doesn't really like other kids you deal with it when they are your own. I'm in the trenches with my sassy, stubborn, wants to be independent all the time 20 month old but I know it will pass and I will miss these times like I do with my 6 year old. Plus, the way I see it is you work up to this stage, you don't just wake up one morning and they are terrorising you. Its like you build up resilience before to be able to handle the terrible 2's. The good outweighs the bad.

@Mrsttcno1 you either had a good sleeper or can deal with sleep deprivation better than others.

I mean, each stage of babyhood/ toddlerhood and childhood has tricky parts and also amazing parts.
I spent a fair bit of time around kids before I had a baby and saw enough tantrums etc to be a bit worried. But, it’s different when it’s your own child. It’s not just a loud toddler being annoying, it’s the little person who you love more than anything. So yes those moments are difficult, but you also have more tolerance than you think you will. You understand that they’re only X years old and can’t help certain things because they’ve not learnt it yet etc.

I’ve also done youth work and I can firmly say that I’m much much more fearful for the teenage years than baby and toddlerhood. And I reaalllly hated the newborn stage (But I am due my second any day, so you do kind of get over it).

It always helps me to remember that everything is temporary. Each stage will end, which is great for some moments and absolutely heartbreaking for the amazing ones.

I think you have talked yourself into thinking the baby and toddler stage will be way worse than it is. Yes some of it is hard and realistically there will be bits you will hate, but the good but still massively put weight the bad.

Many men who have children feeling the way you do that it will only get good when the child is older, or only reluctantly because their partner wants children, and are then very surprised how rewarding and wonderful they find it from Day 1. A bit of a leap of faith is required here.

But looked at another way, even if you do hate the first three years, isn’t that worth it for the lifetime of fun and joy after that? Think of it as being like the early years of your career where you have to do lots of hard grunt work to progress to the point where the job gets good. Or starting a new hobby or exercise routine or learning a skill which seems impossible and no fun when you are an absolute beginner but is worth it when you learn how to do it.

Lack of sleep for one, I already suffer with insomnia and when I go through a pad patch it really impacts my mental health.

And I have just heard about how difficult toddlers are. Tantrums and not listening etc. it seems like it’s just a battle. Stories that my colleagues tell me, everything I see online about how boring and lonely and monotonous and exhausting it is raising a small child. It just doesn’t sound fun and most people that I know seem like they don’t enjoy it. I get a lot of “don’t have kids” comments from friends who are struggling with toddlers just being standard toddlers. There are no children in my family so I don’t have any experience at all. It’s just from what I have heard

Well, if you like the idea of having an older or adult child, that's a good thing, because they are an older child for much longer than they are a baby or a toddler, and they are an adult for even longer than that. I would argue that it's the people who only like the baby and toddler stages who might want to reconsider whether having kids is really for them.

For what it's worth, I don't think you can possibly know whether you will like the baby and toddler stage until you've been through it. I thoroughly enjoyed both my maternity leaves and have found the toddler stage challenging, but also rewarding/brilliant/hilarious/full of love.

The thing is that everyone finds different bits tricky and all babies are different. You might get a doddle baby who turns into a tricky teen, you can't know. For me once they got to about 2 and I was able to communicate more effectively with them it got easier. The tiny baby stage was by far the hardest for me. But it all passes.

As another poster said, what are you dreading?

The sleep deprivation that comes with babies is hard and I found the first 0-6 months the hardest for a variety of reasons (I have two children) but as they approached one and from them onwards it was such a joy. Yes I had toddler tantrums to deal with and the usual issues that every other parent of a toddler has to navigate, but the upsides massively outweighed any of the stressful times.

Me and DH had been on the fence about about having children but we decided to go for it and hope for the best, and when the first one came along it was a big shock to the system and our lives, but it was also wonderful. Then we had baby number 2 and the joy within the family doubled.

My children are 8 and 11 now and it’s indescribable how much I love them.

Ultimately, if you want children then you are just going to have to grin and bear those early years because they can’t be avoided!

At the end of the day though, there’s no way of knowing how you will react to becoming a new parent, it’s a roll of the dice really. Maybe it’s a case of prepare for the worst and hope for the best?

Sadly not! My daughter is still and has always been a sleep hater🤣 and I’m absolutely no superwoman, I’m also not saying it’s easy- it’s definitely not easy but nothing is. All I’m saying is social media (a lot of what I saw when I was pregnant anyway) shows a lot of doom & gloom, worst thing ever, and I really don’t think that’s helpful to new mum’s or mums to be or an accurate reflection of what life with a baby/toddler is all of the time. You have crying but you also have the most lovely cuddles, you have winging but then you get to see your baby meeting a milestone for the first time and feel so so proud, you have sleepless nights but then you have the first “mama”, you have toddler tantrums but you also start to have little chats and watch them start to develop their own personalities (and attitudes😂).

It’s not easy, I’m not saying that, but it’s also not the absolute worst thing in the world- at least not for everyone.

I do appreciate though that I was very lucky to not suffer with PPD/PPA, and have a brilliant husband who is a truly amazing dad and partner.

Nothing in this world would get me to go through the baby toddler years.
Yes i had my son young by MN age.

Honestly I think the narratives online here have a lot to answer for here! There seems to be a whole load of content like "you'll never have a hot drink again". People have been having babies for ever.

Yes babies can be hard but they also can be perfectly lovely and your hormones do a lot of the work for you in completely adoring them. I have personally found babies easy apart from being tired. Toddlers- well they are unreasonable but they are YOUR unreasonable toddler if you get what I mean. It's amazing to see them develop into people.

I've not got any further yet but I'm sure there are challenges down the line from teens and adult kids. In some ways a lot harder as their needs are more complex.

What's your support system like? That is a HUGE factor in people's experiences.

On the other hand not having kids is becoming an increasingly mainstream lifestyle choice. Also you have a bit of time to decide, especially if you only want one.

I think it's normal in your situation to be anxious and/or worried about coping with a baby/toddler. After all - you've never done it before.
There's no doubt that being a parent is challenging - difficult even. But only you really can decide if it's for you - and it seems like you do want a family so I'm absolutely certain you will cope.

Personally I wasn't very maternal as such at - all - I had no idea how I would react when my first was born. I needn't have worried - I actually loved the baby stage, toddler stage was challenging as because by then I also had a 2nd baby on the scene but I still look bake on t hose years with a smile so they can't have been that bad! LOL You do actually get a fair amount of support as a new Mum - Ante natal classes - mid wife and health visitors - baby groups and so on. And of course your own family so you wont be entirely on you own.

I was exactly like you OP. I was a primary school teacher and could imagine myself with kids that age, but not babies and toddlers. I didn’t like other people’s babies and toddlers. I decided to get through it as I did want older kids. I was surprised to find I didn’t hate it! Don’t get me wrong it isn’t always easy but I adore my children and genuinely enjoy them even before they’re 4/5! Not every minute but the good times outweigh the bad. I now have a 6 and 1 year old, and the 6 year old isn’t always the easier one 😂

Thanks everyone, I definitely feel a bit reassured. It’s nice to hear some positivity 💕

In a way, I think perhaps the lack of sleep is less of a shock for people who already don't sleep well than it is for people who are used to getting a blissful 8 hours' uninterrupted sleep each night. I've never been a good sleeper, my son didn't sleep through the night until he was 18 months old by which point I was heavily pregnant with my daughter, and my daughter still doesn't sleep through the night now at 2. Yes I'm tired, but I don't think it has affected me that much because poor sleep is what I'm used to.

I would much rather be awake because of my child than awake because of insomnia. When I am awake due to insomnia I feel angry with myself for not being able to sleep despite having the opportunity. Sometimes when I have insomnia I actually feel grateful when one of my children wakes up because it gives me something to do, and I usually end up bringing them into bed with me which actually helps me to to sleep.

I think the people who think raising a small child is boring and lonely and monotonous are the ones who stay at home with their child and perhaps aren't really cut out for it. I went back to work full time when my children were 7 or 8 months old, and I've never had the chance to find time with them boring, lonely or monotonous. I made the most of the maternity leave I had, and now I make the most of early mornings, early evenings, weekends and holidays with them. It also helps if you have a partner who is an equally engaged parent (if he can take shared parental leave after you've gone back to work it helps set up this dynamic really nicely), so you're not the default parent. This also means that after a certain point you can go out, or even away for a few days, and it's not an issue.

I can't say little kids aren't challenging or that mine don't wind me up at least 10 times a day, but seeing them grow into little people who can walk and talk and swim and ride a bike is just brilliant.

Sleep deprivation goes on past the baby stage. My three year old still thinks 4/5 is a good time to wake up!

Having had both little and big kids, I will say that the baby/toddler years are absolutely not the hardest ones. Their needs are quite simple as babies and the hard bit is just being tired. Preteens/teens is hard. I think people see a 14 year old and think, oh, they can sit and have a pleasant conversation without screaming and throwing juice, which they can.

What people who aren’t their parents don’t see is the screaming ‘I hate you!’ because they aren’t allowed a sleepover, or the stress of constantly managing online safety (because no matter how much you don’t allow them to have Snapchat, one of their friends knows how to hack their parental controls so they can download it), or the worries about friendships or body image or the anxiety of witnessing a fight at school and worrying about retaliation. Big kids are hard work.

So I do think you need to think about the long road, not just getting through the first couple years and if you want to do that.

That said, you are still young, no need to make any decisions now, as long as you’re honest with your partner about your uncertainty.

Hi OP, so the good news is that if you go into it thinking it’s going to be dreadful then you may be pleasantly surprised at how well you handle it. Regarding sleep, I actually found that a baby really helped with my insomnia because I was so tired and it wasn’t really about me anymore, I fell asleep because I needed to sleep.

However, the most important thing here how involved and committed your partner is - you will thrive as long as your partner is a good and committed and engaged father who pulls his weight and truly shares responsibilities 50/50. If you suspect he’s going to be rubbish, then you’ll be in for a rough ride.

I absolutely loved the baby and toddler stage with both mine.

I think sometimes people put their horror stories and exaggerate parenting stories for likes online. Some women make chaotic parenting their personality trait. Yes it’s hard but it’s also very rewarding and my toddler makes me laugh every day.

Op there is loads you can do to prepare in advance to try and mitigate the hardships of the early years. Of course a lot depends on whether you have an easy baby who cooperates or not! 😃. But if you feel relaxed and prepared, that can only help!

One of the most important things I learnt when raising my dc was that children often watch, learn and behave in response to how you react to things yourself.

My view is that how much a new mother enjoys the baby and toddler years, and I think studies bear this out, correlates directly to how much your partner steps up and supports you and the household and gets stuck in with nappy changing and night wakings. If you are a supportive team, it’s all so much more enjoyable. It’s crap when you feel sleep-deprived, isolated and let down.

So your choice of partner is crucial! It’s definitely worth a serious conversation about expectations and how parenthood roles and how task distribution worked in his family!

The other thing is good mh support in case of post-partum depression - again a partner’s involvement can be a game-changer - but I wouldn’t recommend someone with poor mh trying to conceive until they have good support systems and strategies in place.

Finally, I think financial stability can help too, so there is a bit of slack in your schedule so that you have the time to go at the pace of a baby and toddler when necessary, and sometimes when it’s not strictly necessary but you are feeling tired. Of course this is not always possible but it helps if you don’t have to always get up after a bad night to rush to fit in with the demands of work and the crèche and you can build in a recovery day every week or so or whatever.

Good luck op! Parenting is roughly a two-decade marathon or longer. Everyone has bits they enjoy and bits they find more challenging! You need to have confidence and faith in your own way of navigating the tough patches. The irony is, that as soon as you get a handle on one phase, they grow and everything changes! No one does it perfectly! But most stumble through ok and you learn to roll with the punches!

Totally agree with this re. the importance of a good partner. I have no doubt that my experience of motherhood would have been vastly different and much harder if I didn’t have a great husband who is truly a real partner in every sense of the word.